A/N: Emily: Guess who's missing again! Yes George is decidedly absent; apparently he is far too busy and important to hang out with us plebs! Any how, I've just started college and all seems good and well so far… just wait till they find out about my lotr obsession! They won't know what has hit them. I'm surprised I've kept it in this long!

Disclaimer: I'm begging you down on my knees not to sue me!

Chapter Three – Pan Troglodytes.

"Emily, I must put my foot down and insist that we leave immediately. I know you want to stay and figure out what has happened here but for the safety of your brother and my own I am adamant that we leave this accursed place." Declared Legolas

"Why are you talking to a mirror?" Asked Emily who walked into the chamber they had been given.

"I was practicing." Admitted the elf.

"Practicing for what? Are you writing me a poem?"

"No."

"Why not? You never write me poetry."

"I've never really thought about it."

"Can you write me a poem?"

"Well I suppose I can try."

"Go on then."

"Go on then what?"

"The poem."

"I haven't written one yet."

"We've been married for nearly a year now; you are sure taking your time!"

"I promise it will be done before the baby arrives."

"Lovely! I'm just off to show Gambling how to do a French plat."

"Wait! I need to say something."

"Can it be postponed I have people waiting."

"No I am afraid it cannot."

"Is something wrong, did George make fun of you again?"

"Well, he did but that's not the point. This place is wrong. We are leaving as soon as the horses have rested enough." Announced Legolas.

"You would make a wonderful King." Giggled Emily as she left the room.

"I must say you handled that brilliantly." Laughed George who crept out of his hiding place. "You sure told her."

"I do not see you trying to get us out of here!" Snapped Legolas. "Now if you don't mind I need to have a word with my wife!"

Legolas stormed out of the room leaving an amused George to help himself to Legolas' lembas.

…..

"No it needs to be slightly longer."

"I cannot just force it to be longer."

"Maybe if you stretched it a bit."

"Will that work?"

"It worked on Legolas and I play with his every morning."

"I suppose his does look very long."

"Can I borrow my wife for a second?" Legolas interrupted Emily and Gambling's discussion about plats.

"What's wrong Legolas?"

"I am sick of you treating me like a floor tile!" Shouted the elf once they were out of human hearing range.

Emily raised an eyebrow, "You have my undivided attention Legolas."

"We are leaving Rohan and we are leaving now."

"But how are we supposed to solve what is going on if we leave?"

"I don't care. I am sick of being treated like a piece of meat. If we do not leave I fear for the safety of my ar…"

"Whoa there elfy! I told you that I would make sure you were okay."

"But you didn't, you wondered off with Eomer and left George and I to fend for ourselves! Now I am telling you, you are to return with me to Mirkwood this instant!"

Emily stood in stunned silence, suddenly her knees went weak and if it was not for her husbands quick reflexes she would have collapsed to the floor.

"Emily!" Cried Legolas. "Someone fetch me some water she's fainted!"

…..

"Where am I?" Asked Emily.

'This is your sub-conscious.' Explained Emily's brain.

"Why am I here?"

'You fainted.'

"Cool! So how long am I going to be here?"

'You have precisely six minutes and three seconds until you wake up.'

"Wow! Isn't this place pretty? It's like a giant, lilac mushroom."

'If you say so.' Scoffed Emily's brain.

"Whoa what's that?!"

'I believe that would be a Pan Troglodytes.'

"A what?!"

'Or more commonly known as a Chimpanzee, did you know the gestation period of a chimpanzee usually lasts for 236 days?'

"Why is there a Chimp in my subconscious and how in Jebus' name do you know that?!"

'This is your subconscious, anything can happen.'

"And the know it all thing..?" Probed Emily.

'Like I said, anything can happen.'

"Here lil' monkey, come to Auntie Emily." She cooed.

'Auntie? Give George more credit than that!'

"Quiet!"

'I'm your brain you muppet, only you can hear me!'

"Oh right. Here little primate come here."

The chimpanzee seemed incompliant for a few moments but then slowly began to make its little chimpy way over to Emily.

"Can I have a hug?"

'You do realise that it can't understand you.' Mocked Emily's brain.

"Don't call Cumquat an it! Cumquat's a smart monkey aren't you?"

At this point Cumquat poked Emily in the eye.

'I like him already!'

"Oh shut-up! Well Cumquat we cannot just leave you here, we will have to find you a new home."

'This is a subconscious monkey, you can't rehome a subconscious monkey!'

"Oh yes I bloody well ca…"

Emily was suddenly released from the land of subconscious and found herself staring up at Legolas.

"Emily! Thank the Valar!"

"Baby! Did I land on the baby?!" Cried Emily suddenly.

"The baby is fine sweetheart. How are you feeling?" Asked Legolas.

"Woozy."

"I should never have shouted at you. I am so sorry."

"It would have taken a lot more than you yelling to knock me out. Maybe riding to Rohan wasn't such a good idea."

"I should have put my foot down earlier, this is my fault."

"Hey don't say that, I'm not exactly the easiest of people to persuade."

"I should have made…uh…Emily…why…"

"Monkey!" Yelled George as he entered he room.

Emily looked down beside her bed and there seated on the floor was Cumquat.

"Cumquat! I thought you said I couldn't rehome a subconscious monkey."

"Who are you talking to hunny?" Asked Legolas.

"Myself." Answered Emily simply.

"Monkey!" Yelled George again.

"George meet Cumquat. Cumquat meet your new owner."

"Owner? Really?! Oooh I love you, love you, love you. My monkey! Come to daddy little Cumquat." George picked up his newly found monkey.

"That should keep him happy when I announce that we are to stay in Rohan until you are due to give birth." Said Legolas begrudgingly.

"What?!" Exclaimed Emily in surprise.

"Hell no!" Shouted George.

"Emily is to rest for the next two months. I am not risking her fainting again!"

"But we are under attack!" Yelped George.

"My main priority is my wife and our baby and if this means we have to stay here for eternity then so be it!"

"Wow Legolas actually said something forceful." Commented George.

"I really don't think I could love that elf anymore than I do right this second." Gushed Emily.

…….

"Right the plan is this…" Began Emily. She sat on her bed surrounded by Legolas, George and Cumquat. "Firstly we need to start asking some questions."

"Yes because…'Eomer why are you as bent as Legolas' bow?' will go down brilliantly!" Said George sarcastically.

Decking counter: Four.

"Sorry reflex movement." Flushed Emily.

"Emily is right we need to start asking questions. The first one being; 'Where are all the women?'" Stated Legolas.

"If we find them we will probably uncover some answers." Agreed Emily.

"But where do we start looking?"

………

"Eomer may I ask you something?" Legolas approached the King of Rohan carefully.

"Absolutely anything Legolas. Why don't you come and sit next to me?"

"Uh…I'm find here really."

"But you are right next to the door."

"I need to get back to Emily soon, she just wanted to know if she could…um…talk to some women…about child birth that is."

"Women?!"

"Yes you know, females, the fairer sex…"

"My dear elf I must say that you put the fairer sex to shame." Purred Eomer.

"Right…well…I'll just be leaving now." Legolas turned to make a quick exit.

"Wait…you wanted to know about the women. It's the darndest thing really, one minute they were everywhere the next they were all screaming blue murder and moved out." Explained Eomer

"Moved out?"

"Yes. They set up home on the plains."

"Thank you for your help." Legolas was now halfway out the door.

"Anytime sweetie."

……

"They moved out?!" Questioned George. "Are you sure?"

"That is what Eomer said." Answered Legolas.

"But why? It doesn't make sense."

"It makes perfect sense." Began Emily. "I know I'd be pissed if Legolas smelt better than me and he was more stylish and beauti…hang on."

"Bad example sis." Sniggered George.

Legolas rolled his eyes.

"Damn you elf! You're even cute when you do that!" Emily yelled.

"Duck and cover! Mood swing alert!" George grabbed Cumquat and crawled under the bed.

"Emily?" Legolas watched as Emily sat fuming.

"Legolas would you do me a favour?"

"Anything darling."

"Could you wear this?" Emily produced a brown paper bag with two holes in it.

"Excuse me?!"

"I am feeling fat, frumpy and ugly. You and that annoyingly cute face of yours is not helping."

"Is it safe to come out yet?" Whimpered George.

"Yes you are safe." Replied Emily.

George pulled himself out from under the bed and placed Cumquat on the bed.

"So what are…" George stopped. "Legolas, you do realise there is a bag on your head."

"Really? I never would have noticed."

"Was that sarcasm Master Greenleaf?" Smirked George.

"Come on guys we need to concentrate, what are we going to about the women?"

"George and I are going to find them and get some answers and you my love are going to stay here and have your every whim seen to by the men of Rohan."

"My every whim?" Asked Emily slyly.

"Within reason." Warned Legolas.

……

A/N: Emily: And so the mystery continues… Well hopefully George will be back on board to write the next chapter, which will involve a heart to heart between Legolas and George on their way to find the women of Rohan. Oh and to all you Kai fans get ready for the return of the bad boy himself!

Thank yous:

Ayiicaalime – Hunny I love you too! I miss you. Gay is in this season!

Limpet666 – Red dwarf is smegging genius! Lembas! I shall be copyrighting that you little Je/bas thingy!

Chaotic Jinx – Ooooh not up to your expectations. Sorry! Hopefully this chappy is better?!

Poolbum – One of my genius ideas. I also didn't tell Karl Urban the plot of this story! Monkey!!!!!!!!!!!!