A/N: Emily: Wow after being at college for a total of four days I managed to make…are you ready for this..? Drum roll please…one. Yep you heard me. On the plus side she is just as crazy as me so on the whole a pretty good start.

A/N2: Oh yeah George is still absent but he has promised to text me a note by the end of this chapter!

Disclaimer: Although the idea of handcuffs is very appealing I rather not be sued and arrested.

Chapter Four – Weird Fish.

"Are you sure you don't want anything?" Asked Legolas for the fifth time.

"I am positive! You and George just go and find the women." Answered Emily.

"We are leaving in a moment but I just want to make sure you will be okay without me."

"Legolas, I will absolutely fine. I don't need a babysitter! Well… I might need one at some point but they will not be looking after me."

"And you are sure you do not need anything?"

"Nothing!"

"Fine, fine I'm going. Look after yourself, and remember that I love you."

"I love you too you silly elf, now go!"

Legolas had almost made it out the door when…

"Wait! I would like one thing…" Called Emily.

"And what would that be?"

"A snickers flapjack."

"I am going in search of migrating women not a Tescos."

"You explained Tescos to the elf?" Sniggered George who turned up with eighteen travel bags.

"You pack like a woman." Stated Emily. (A/N: Little dig at how much crap George carted off to Uni).

"Is all that really necessary?" Asked Legolas.

"Yes." Assured George.

Emily sniggered, "For someone who sure does complain about this place you seriously do fit in!"

"I am prepared for every eventuality."

"Including the misplacement of your precious fish keyring?"

George's hand went straight to his belt buckle where his weird fish keyring was (and WAS being the operative word here) kept.

"Nooooooo! Where is my beloved, hand made, steel crafted and most treasured weird fish keyring?!" Cried George.

"I borrowed it." Whispered Emily.

"You borrowed it? And..?"

"And…temporarily placed it in a location that cannot be spoken of."

"Huh?"

"I lost it."

"What?!" George lunged at his sister but was held back by Legolas.

"I think you may be overreacting, it is just a keyring." Reasoned Legolas.

"Just a..!" George was outraged, "That was a limited edition, handmade icon of everything I stand for!"

"A fish?"

"Yes! However. The conformist in me also holds the monkey as a base of where to construct the theory of ones behaviour."

Legolas did not know what to say to this. In fact not even the author knew what to say to that.

"I promise I will have it back to you by the time you return from this mini quest you were supposed to go on twelve minutes ago." Said Emily.

It took the good part of an hour for Legolas and George to depart.

"I think we should head east." Suggested Legolas.

"Why?"

"I sense a disturbance there."

"And you want to head towards the disturbance?"

"Yes."

"I am not entirely sure that you are in complete possession of your faculties."

"Then what do you suggest?"

"I say we go that way." George pointed.

"That is east."

"In that case we shall go that way." George pointed again.

"That is where we just came from."

"Oh so it is. Well then that leaves us with only one option…"

"Two." Interrupted Legolas.

"Excuse me?"

"We have two options. Since you have ruled out east and we have just come from the west we have a choice of north or south."

"South! Who ever heard of riding south?! We ride north." Decided George.

Legolas reluctantly followed.

Two hours later…

"You wouldn't happen to have any food would you?" Asked George.

"You are telling me that you did not pack any food in that multitude of bags."

"In a way…yes." Began George. "In my defence I was thrown of course by the untimely separation from my beloved fish."

"How in the name of the Valar did you become so enthralled by an inanimate object?"

"It is a long story of much woe."

"At the rate we are going I think we have some time to spare."

"Well where to begin really? Hmm…It all started on the morning of the 25th of July in the year of 1993. I was dressed in all my finery as the family was invited to a family reunion at a distant cousin's abode." George let out a pained sighed. "It was all going so beautifully, the family was all together, the barbeque was splendid, a five year old Emily had been successfully pushed in the pond. Everything was of the utmost perfection until the time when nature called. I was quite a bright seven year old therefore had no problem finding the bathroom all by myself, so in I went. It was only when I wished to leave the bathroom I noticed the peril of my situation."

"What happened?"

"Some bratty nine year old twins had locked me in! I called and called but to no avail. I suppose someone would have noticed me missing sooner or later but I simply could not wait. I absolutely despise small spaces to an extent."

"To an extent?"

"Put me in a small space with Sarah Michelle Gellar and I am hardly going to complain! Anyway, there in that toilet I frantically searched for a key or a paperclip, anything I could use to my advantage on the lock. It was then when I stuffed my hands into my pockets in frustration that I discovered the fish. Upon close examination I noticed that the tail was the perfect size and shape to set me free. I carry that fish around as a sign of freedom." (A/N: E: The tragic thing is that this story is actually true). "I don't suppose you have ever been locked in a toilet before Legolas?"

"Cannot say I have, although I did get trapped in a hole once."

"Oooh embarrassing elf story!" Cheered George.

"I was also seven, Kai and I were playing hide and seek. I was running to find a suitable hiding place when the all of a sudden the ground caved in beneath me. It turns out that I had fallen into a long since forgotten bear trap. It was far to steep for me to climb out of. It also turns out that Kai is really bad at hide and seek and gave up looking for me after five minutes!"

"That sounds like Kai. How did you get out?"

"I didn't. I had to be rescued." Grumbled Legolas turning slightly red. "After a good three hours father decided that his seven year old son was not as safe as he previously thought he was alone in Mirkwood forest. Eventually half the Mirkwood army turned up and stood around staring at me in the hole."

"If only the ground could swallow you up."

"Well after that literally happening I decided that accepting their help was a much wiser option." Finished Legolas.

"Probably for the best." Agreed George. "Otherwise you wouldn't have been able to impregnate my sister and in turn I wouldn't have been able to give you this…" George moved Durex over to Arod and kicked Legolas in the shin.

"Hey!" Objected the elf.

"I still haven't forgiven you!"

"It has been months now."

"I don't care, you still must be punished."

"You do not think that locking me in Gondor's dungeons for a month was punishment enough?!"

"You had it easy in there!" Defended George.

"I was not fed for half of it!" Yelled Legolas.

"That was not intentional; I just forgot you were there."

Legolas let out a growl.

"Don't get prissy with me; I thought I handled the situation rather well."

"If it was not for Emily paying you an extortionate sum of money you would have had me castrated!"

"Yes well it would have stopped you from sowing your wild oats."

Legolas threw George a dirty look.

"I do not see why you are so objectionable to the idea of becoming an uncle."

"Bad things will come of this baby, mark my words." Uttered George pessimistically. "Other than that I quite like the idea of becoming an uncle. I think I'd make a great uncle, I'd take little Spike to the park…"

"Spike?!"

"Or Buffy depending on the sex…"

"I am not calling my child Spike or Buffy!"

"That's up for discussion."

"No it is not."

"I wouldn't want to be you when you shatter Emily's dream names."

"Emily chose those names?!"

"Yep." Lied George. "Hey it is not so bad; at least she is not naming it after a collection of leaves."

"I really do not know why I put up with you."

"Because we would be lost if we had gone east." Grinned George as he pointed to a group of women setting up camp.

"You do realise that we did a full circle and are now actually east of where we left off." Smirked Legolas.

"Hmmm…That may be but where is this disturbance you were rattling on about?" Countered George.

"There." Legolas pointed at the women.

"I know this is hard for you to grasp being married to Emily and all but not all women are dangerous."

"I never said it was a dangerous disturbance. I said it was a disturbance."

"What's the disturbance?"

"They are squashing the grass."

"You have spent way too much time as an elf!"

As George and Legolas approached the women watched them warily.

"Maybe they are all men hating lesbians." Whispered George.

"Greetings women of Rohan. I am Prince Legolas of Mirkwood and this is King George of Gondor."

"My Lords we are honoured. What may we do for you?" Asked one lady.

"We have come to enquire about the goings on in Edoras." Stated Legolas eloquently.

"Why are all the guys gay?" Asked George bluntly.

"You must leave Rohan immediately!" Gasped the woman. "You are not safe."

"Why?"

"We don't know rightly. One day everything was fine and the next everything started to change."

"How did they change?" Asked Legolas.

"The men started to wash properly. Then they began to take pride in their appearance and brush their hair."

"You said we were not safe…" Probed an antsy George.

"Any male who enters Rohan starts to change like the Rohirrim." Warned the woman.

""We have been in Rohan for three days now." Explained Legolas. "We have not experienced anything."

"Maybe it is just the men then."

"I'm a man." Yelped George.

The woman furrowed her brows in confusion as she looked George over. George borrowed one of Legolas' dirty looks and threw one at her.

"You are not of this world." Legolas reminded quietly. "Thank you for your help, hopefully we can sort this situation out as soon as possible."

"Well that was useful!" Grumbled George as they began their journey back to Edoras.

"What could cause a city of men to suddenly change sexuality?" Pondered Legolas.

"Too much pink lemonade?"

Legolas ignored this.

"What could hold such a power over the race of men?"

"Brad Pitt in a skirt." Offered George.

"You are not helping!"

"Okay okay, what about an AWOL wizard with a screwed sense of humour?"

"You could be on to something."

"Who are the candidates?"

"All the Istari's have left these shores except…"

"Gandalf." They said in unison.

"When was the last time we saw him?" Asked Legolas.

"Boromir and Haldir's wedding. Gimli and he went missing."

"What?!"

"Well nobody was that bothered so we forgot to tell you."

"We had best get back to Emily and let her know what we have found out."

……

"Here little fishy, come here little fishy." Emily was crouching under a table frantically searching.

"Are you sure you should be doing that in your condition?" Came a voice form the door.

……

Legolas and George came bursting into Emily's room only to grind to a halt when I saw who was also there.

"What are you doing here?" Asked Legolas bitterly.

Sensing Legolas' mood Emily decided to lighten the mood.

"Look who found your fish."

"Woohoo! Dude you are immense!"

"It is good to see you again Legolas, it seems you have been busy." Grinned Kai.

…….

A/N: Emily: Yay Kai is back!

George: And so am I!!!!! Sorry guys I am such a student slacker!

Emily: Nobody is going to disagree with that.

George: Yeah whatever! Anyhow who is excited about this 'any male who goes in Rohan becomes gay?' Did you really think elves got out of it that easily? He he just wait till it all kicks off.

Emily: Speaking of slackers some of you people out there aren't reviewing! Here are the thank yous to those who did review…

Pretendingtobesane – I'm glad you think it is getting better. I had a horrible feeling my standards were slipping!

Ayiicaalime – Go me! Everyone needs a subconscious monkey!

Emerald Eyed Cutie – George is back so you can save your air fairs. I get the distinct impression that you are as insane as us.

Lil Smartass – The Red Dwarf was a moment of pure genius on my part and I am guessing that a few people got it.

Poolbum – Kai is pronounced K-eye. Ahh Charlotte and Cumquat should date!

Limpet666 – We are taking the world wide available drug of way too much spare time, good old fashioned rock music and a strange substance we found down the back of the sofa.