A/N: George: Eh up chucks!

Emily: You sound like a scouse farmer.

George: sticks tongue out Who's feeling immature today? I am!

Disclaimer: I own nothing including the gum I nicked from George's room.

Chapter Five - Fairy Godmother.

"I thought I'd just swing by and see how my favourite human duo was doing." Kai tousled Emily's hair fondly as Legolas narrowed his eyes.

"They are fine, now you can leave." Snapped Legolas.

"Be nice." Chided Emily. "Kai said he would help us figure out what is going on here."

"How king of him." Replied Legolas through gritted teeth.

"Emily told me you went in search of the women of Rohan, any luck?"

"Yes actually…" And so Legolas and George relayed what they had found out.

"Gandalf? What motive would Gandalf have?" Asked Emily.

"I would think that was abundantly clear to the girl that got him banned from every kingdom because he 'freaked' her out." Pointed out George.

"Well he is freaky." Pouted Emily.

"That still does not explain why he decided to punish the men of Rohan." Added Legolas.

"What about this whole Gimli thing?" Asked Kai. "You said they went missing…"

"Yeah and..?" Asked Emily.

"Is anyone else thinking what I am thinking?" Groaned the elf.

"We are trying not to." Gulped Legolas.

"They went to summer camp where they learnt to braid each others beards." Suggested Emily taking herself away from the disturbing images to a happy place.

"But how does Gandalf and Gimli's extra curricular activities link to Rohan? Something does not add up." Sighed Legolas.

"We need answers." Said Emily.

"From the only wizard that can give us them." Finished George.

"How do you go about finding a missing wizard?" Pondered Emily.

"Look in a hat." Answered George.

"That's a magician dumbass!"

"Ask his short, stumpy assistant." Answered Kai. "If we find Gimli we find Gandalf. I mean how hard can it be to find the noisiest Dwarf in Arda?"

"Well you guys best be off then."

"I'm staying here." Stated Legolas. Before Emily could protest Legolas continued, "Who knows how long this will take. At this precise moment my priority is you and the baby."

"Does that mean I am going on my own?" Whimpered George.

"Oh grow up; you're supposed to be the King of Gondor." Laughed Emily.

"Why doesn't Kai go with him?" Smirked Legolas.

"I couldn't possibly. I have already promised Lady Emily to take up the position of Mirkwood royal bodyguard."

"Is that so?" Legolas practically growled. "Then it looks like George is going alone."

"Stupid, proud, jealous elves." Whispered George as he hugged his sister and went off to ready Durex.

……

"You are the King of Gondor, you are brave, fierce and absolutely…bloody terrified." Mumbled George as he made his way over the plains of Rohan. He was headed for Lothlorien t try and pick up some clues as to the whereabouts of the bumbling Dwarf.

……

"Legolas may I have a word with you in private pleas?" Asked Kai. Legolas reluctantly dragged himself away from doting over Emily.

"What can I do for you Kai?" Asked Legolas coldly.

"We have been friends for all our lives. I do not want that that to end over a silly little mistake…" Kai was interrupted.

"You kissed my wife!"

"It was not intentional."

"Not intentional!"

"I thought we had put that behind us."

"Yes well the thing in Lothlorien did not help the situation."

"What thing?"

"You kissed me!"

"Well technically you initiated the kiss…" The look on Legolas' face told Kai it was probably best never to mention that again, "…and I am sure that George's Jedi tricks had something to do with it."

"I suppose so." Relented Legolas.

"Friends?" Kai held out his hand.

"Friends." Legolas grasped Kai's forearm in a friendly warrior greeting.

"Excellent! So now you wouldn't mind accompanying me to the dining hall."

"Why?"

"I am sure your majesty has noticed that us elves are more than passing fair and in a place like this need all the help we can get walking room to room."

"I'll watch your back, you watch mine." Smiled Legolas.

"Just like old times." Grinned Kai.

……

"Ah Cumquat, on such a fine day it is a shame we have been banished from a place of safety…well relative safety…and sent on a mission of great import that only the valiant King of Gondor would do to carry out such a task." Announced George trying to make himself feel better.

Cumquat scoffed.

"It's all right for you, you're a monkey. You don't have to face certain death everyday of your life. Would you like me to tell you how many assassination attempts I have narrowly avoid?"

Cumquat nodded.

"Fifty-Three!"

Cumquat patted George on the head.

"I know you love me Cumquat."

"You don't think exiling every Harry Potter fan had anything to do with the assassination attempts?" Came a female voice.

"They had to be punished!" Defended George. "Hang on…Am I speaking to myself?"

"Nope."

"Are you my conscience?"

"Guess again."

"Is that you Cumquat?"

"Monkeys cannot talk." Laughed the female voice. "Besides that chimpanzee is a boy."

"Then who in all that is cheese and toasty are you?!"

"Your fairy Godmother." As if by magic (actually it was magic) a little blue fairy appeared on Durex's mane.

"I really need to separate my weed from my oregano; I knew that Casserole didn't taste right!"

"I am not a figment of your 'above the clouds' exploits!"

"I am sorry but I don't believe in fairies."

The little blue fairy toppled over, rolled down Durex's neck and curled into a heap in George's lap.

"Urm…little fairy…are you okay? Cumquat I think I just killed the fairy."

Cumquat nodded then with his cute little chimpy hand picked the fairy up and with the intent of eating her moved his cute little chimpy hand towards his cute little chimpy mouth.

"Ahh! Put me down!" Cried the fairy.

"I thought you were dead." George raised an unimpressed eyebrow as he extracted the fairy from Cumquat's cute little chimpy grip.

"I was trying to scare you. You shouldn't say things like that; it does no good for a fairy's disposition." She scolded.

"Sorry. May I ask what your name is?"

"Gem."

"That's an annoyingly pretty name. Well Gem you can go now."

"What?!"

"I'm sorry but fairy Godmothers do not just appear randomly."

"Whereas, magic bags, TNT, floating trifles and the fact that you're on Middle-earth is completely normal and happens all of the time! Hmm?"

"Fine, what is it that you want?" Sighed George.

"I don't want anything, I am here for you."

"Oooh do I get three wishes? Oooh I want an elephant with pink ears and a…"

"That's a genie."

"Can I have a genie then instead?"

"I am here to help you on this quest!"

"You're nice an all Gem but I still think I'd prefer a genie."

"You are intolerable." Snapped Gem.

"Thank you!" Replied George brightly.

"Look do you want me to help you or not?!"

"Go on then. You can start by telling me where Gimli is, actually scrap that we might as well go straight for Gandalf."

"Why do you want to find Gandalf?"

"To get him to quit the frankly quite lame spell of his. Between you and me; he's losing his edge."

"What spell?"

"How are you supposed to help me when you know even less than Cumquat does?!"

"I am here to help you solve the Rohan problem."

"Hence the need for Gandalf." George practically yelled.

"Gandalf has nothing to do with the Rohan problem."

"What?!"

"So where are we headed?" Asked Gem changing the subject.

"Well nowhere now since my one and only lead has been disintegrated by a shiny blue toothpick!"

"Hey don't fret so at least you don't have to witness what Emily is." Gem smiled.

"Huh?"

"You know…the changes."

"What changes?"

"Weren't you listening to what that woman told you?"

"The men begin to change, so?"

"Any male who enters Rohan changes. You are only exempt from that because of your origins."

"And Legolas because he is an elf." Added George.

Gem shook her head slowly.

"No I can assure you he is fine."

"What were the first changes?" Asked Gem trying to make the penny drop.

"Style and general hygiene…but Legolas looks clean anyway…he couldn't possibly…" It dawned on George that it could be possible. "Emily will go mental! He can't be gay, Emily will kill him!"

"I suppose this would be a good time to go back and warn them." Suggested Gem.

"Good plan." George turned Durex around and headed back to Edoras.

Unfortunately…

"Look out!" Screamed Gem.

Durex halted abruptly at the edge of the hole, consequently being the only one who did not fall in.

"We're in a hole." Pouted Gem.

"I had noticed." Frowned George as he checked Cumquat for injuries. "Wait! Urm…hole…I know something…Ah! The Mirkwood army will save us!"

"Are you sure about that?"

"They saved Legolas."

"He is their Prince."

"Good point." George took a big breath. "HELP!!!"

"That will not work; we are in the middle of nowhere."

"Durex…good horsy…go fetch Legolas and Arod…go on…go to Edoras." George cooed.

Durex began to move obediently…in the wrong direction.

"Where is he going?" Cried Gem.

"Towards Gondor it would seem." Huffed George. "Okay fairy it's your turn. Go and poof off to Edoras and get help."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I can only transport into a bodily form in you presence."

"So much for helping." Grumbled George. "Oh well we have some time to spare I suppose."

"How so?"

"Well if Legolas was to like guys he would want someone as sickenly handsome as him, which rules out the entire human male population. He would want a fellow ellon."

"Well he won't find one of them in Rohan." Smiled Gem feeling slight relief.

"No he wo…Shit!"

"What?"

"Kai! Kai is in Edoras!"

"Is he cute?"

"I will not answer that in fear of losing my title of the 'final straight guy in Rohan.' We still have some time though; Kai was looking his normal scruffy self when I left." Concluded George.

……

"You are looking rather smart today Kai." Noted Emily.

"You look very nice," Added Legolas.

"Thank you Legolas." Smiled Kai sweetly.

……

A/N: Emily: Dudes! I can't believe I am doing this to Legolas! Oh well all I the name of comedy! Here are the thank yous:

Meg-the-sexy-beast - I am glad you are back! George doesn't become gay because he is not from Middle-earth, spells and things will not work on him. And from this chapter you can see that Legolas is not getting away with it!

Poolbum – Kai appreciates the kisses.

Pretendingtobesane – Simple deffinately, clean? You may become increasingly disappointed!

Random-Shiny – Poor you. I hate being sick, especially when it's purple. Hello Charlie can I pet you? Ack! It bit me!

Emerald Eyed Cutie – I once had a friend called Lemon who told me what to do. The whole 'what's with the gay' will be revealed in due course.

Limpet666 – Lembas would like it in Rohan! It is so weird that I am writing this thank you and talking to you on msn!