A/N: Emily: Damn it! I know this is uber late but when the shit lands on you it takes a while to dig yourself out of it.
George: What a beautiful analogy.
E: Well maybe if you had have helped this would have been ready by the weekend!
G: I am busy an important!
Disclaimer: It's all yours Mr. T.
Chapter Seven – Honeymoon hotel.
"You die!" Screamed Emily.
"Hello campers!" Came a greeting from the door.
"Haldir? What are you doing here?" Asked Kai who was still perched on top of Legolas.
"We're on our honeymoon." Announced Boromir as he bustled through the door with a multitude of bags. "So it is true about this place." He continued as he noted Legolas and Kai's position.
"Get out of my way!" Fumed Emily as she attempted to get past the honeymooners wielding a bag of Scottish porridge oats.
"I don't think you want to bludgeon your husband to death." Advised Haldir as he held Emily in her place.
"You're right." Emily closed her eyes and calmed herself in her happy place. "No I don't want to kill Legolas…I do however, WANT TO KILL KAI!!!"
"Whoa there." Boromir grabbed her just before she could land a solid thwack to Kai's head. "Perhaps it is best if we lock her in her room."
"WHAT?!"
"Brilliant idea my love. Hand her over." Haldir picked a flailing Emily up and marched off with her.
"This is ridiculous! I haven't even done anything!" Protested Emily.
"Now as for you two." Boromir turned towards Legolas and Kai. "If you would like to stay an eternal being I suggest you get off Legolas. Right, you two are to be separated and quarantined."
"I thought at least you would not separate us." Pouted Kai.
"I may love the idea of an entire gay male population; it would certainly make sanitation more widely appreciated. However, I also love the idea of two of my friends remaining married. Now Kai, you will remain in your room until otherwise instructed, go now." Kai reluctantly wandered off. "As for you Legolas, I know this spell isn't your fault but I thought a Prince no less would know better to start boning his bodyguard in public!"
"We fell." Defended Legolas lamely.
"Elves do not fall. Now, I want you to give Haldir and I ten minutes to calm your wife down then you may see her. Agreed?"
Legolas nodded.
"Did you notice how poignantly I said wife?"
Legolas nodded again.
"Good."
……
"I'm going to strangle him until he turns blue, then I am gong to shove a pinacolada complete with cocktail sticks and umbrellas down his throat. Then I am going to shave all his hair off and feed it to him in a jalapeno pepper roll all the while playing Westlife at top volume right into those pointy ears of his!" Emily took a breath. "And then I will cut off his brain."
"I don't think you can cut off the brain, not unless you remove the entire head." Pointed out Haldir.
"This is Kai we are talking about, he doesn't think with the brain in his head!"
"Have you ever considered anger management classes?"
"I am not angry. I'm bloody livid!"
"You have to calm down. Think about your baby."
"Calm down?! Calm down?! My husband is gay with the bodyguard, my brother is stuck down a hole with a monkey and a fairy, we are no closer to solving this Rohan catastrophe, I have the most illogical craving for Pimms and I have a horrible feeling I put a pink sock in the white wash." And to top that all off the cramp in my foot has spread up my entire leg!"
"Sssh. It's okay." Haldir hugged Emily and rubbed her back soothingly.
"How is she?" Whispered Boromir as he quietly entered the room.
"Successfully venting."
"Good good."
"This is the suckiest adventure yet. Even the Orc cave had its fun moments." Pouted Emily. "Anyway, here's me going on about myself when I should be asking how is married life treating you?"
"It's wonderful, but then again I haven't had to deal with my elf changing sexuality." Grinned Boromir.
Emily had a sudden thought. "You don't think that what with you two being gay already this place could…like…reverse it?"
Haldir and Boromir looked at each other in horror.
"Don't worry guys, I'll be the first to warn you if you start leaving the toilet seat up!"
"You are most kind." Smiled Haldir.
……
"That went well." George grumbled.
"I take it she didn't react to kindly to that piece of information." Gem commented.
"I think she's forgotten we are here."
"So that was all for nothing."
"Pretty much."
"We are going to die in here!" Wailed Gem suddenly.
"You're not going to cry are you?"
sniff
"Because I have a real issue with mucus."
"I…just…hiccup…haven't done…everything…hiccup…I wanted…to…do."
"Like what?"
"Meet…a…wonderful fairy…sniff husband." Gem wiped her eyes.
"There are fairy guys? Yeesh they gut a raw deal. Let me guess – they wear corduroys."
"Well…yes but what has that got to do with anything?"
"My mother taught me to never trust a man in corduroys."
"She did?"
"Well no actually it was my French teacher."
"Are you as lost as me?" Gem asked Cumquat.
The monkey nodded.
……
"Do you want to see him?" Asked Haldir.
"About as much as I want a lobotomy." Huffed Emily.
"He is your husband, and it isn't really his fault." Boromir reasoned.
"Whatever."
Boromir and Haldir left the room and sent Legolas in.
"It might be best if we escape from this side of the building dear." Suggested Boromir. "I would hate my ears to bear witness the destruction of the Prince of Mirkwood."
"A most excellent idea."
The honeymooners wandered off leaving Emily and Legolas alone.
……
A/N: Emily: Ack! I know it is short. I just need to work out a routine where I can have a space reserved for writing. It also should get better after I visit George in two weeks and patch up a few ideas.
George: Apparently my ideas are crap over the phone!
Emily: Here are the thank yous:
Ayiicaalime – I heard about the whole Orli engaged thing. Hmph… I think I shall just ignore it and retreat to my happy place!
Chaotic Jinx – Thank you for the names , you'll have to wait and see when the baby is born. You love George? Best not tell him his ego will never return to normal size. George: I have a girlfriend, but I doubt she would appreciate faling into middle-earth and putting up with me in a hole.
Galasriniel – Thank you. It is awfully challenging being random (well that's what we defend our weirdness with, even when questioned separately).
Voyd – Hey you're back! There is definitely one death coming up.
CloakedInsanity – Nice name dude! Good to see you back on
Limpet666 - I keep missing you online. I have that Craig Parker pic to send you! Have fun glomping Faramir!
Gustav – Welcome! I love it when new people review it gives me a funny feeling in my belly. (That could be the dinner I ate!) Feel free to review every chapter if you want!
Poolbum – Don't die laughing yet. There is still more to come.
Lil Smartass – A Lemming would make a better godmother.
Wow you guys excelled yourself on reviews this time! All shall be rewarded with…um…well…I'll let you know.
Until next time… XxX