A/N: Emily: This week started so badly I have no hope for the rest of it. Some idiot pulled out in front of my car which provoked an emergency stop resulting in major whiplash. My back is killing me!

George: I wasn't in the car, I'm fine.

E: That's nice for you dear, now if you could wipe that smug grin off your face we can begin chapter eleven.

Disclaimer: We own Kai, Kalin, ourselves, Cumquat and Gem (well not for much longer), other than that nothing.

Chapter Eleven – Splat.

"Aragorn?! What the smeg in all off smegdonia are you doing here?!" Asked George while gesturing emphatically.

"Other than having my eyes gouged out, you mean?"

"Oh yeah sorry about that." George winced as he removed his fish that was dangling from Aragorn's now bloody eyelid. "Cheers by the way. Would have been stuck in there for a while if you hadn't shown up when you did."

"Yes well I am the hero of the story." Aragorn pranced onto a rock. "Wherever danger may lurk. Whatever fiend may strike. Aragorn shall be there!"

"Nice speech. Work on it for long?"

"Just a few hours. Do you think I over did it?"

"You could try pronouncing 'fiend' with a bit more 'oomph'."

Aragorn considered this and nodded his head in agreement. "Where are you headed?"

"Back to Rohan I suppose. I have to stop Kai and Legolas from getting physical."

"I thought they were best friends. Surely they wouldn't fight."

"Not that kind of physical. You see Aragorn the danger that has lured you here is in fact a rather comical situation of the entire Rohirrim reverting to the back path."

"The back path?" Asked Aragorn as George led him in the direction of Edoras.

"This is going to be a long journey." Muttered Gem.

……

"Kai's missing." Informed Haldir.

"Missing?!" Screeched Emily.

"Calm down dear." Legolas said. "Perhaps I should go look for him."

"If you do that Kai won't be the only person showing you the meaning of the phrase anal trajectory." Scowled Emily.

Legolas gulped as Emily picked up his bow and began pointing it ardently.

"I suggest Emily that you lock Legolas in here and secure the windows." Boromir scouted the room for any other entrances. "We'll let you know as soon as we have found him."

"And what about George?" Emily fidgeted nervously.

"As soon as Kai is locked up I will personally go and get him." Promised Haldir.

"They'll never find him." Remarked Legolas as the honeymooners left the room.

"Why do you say that?"

"As far as I can remember, Kai always beat me at hide and seek. I could never find him, even using all my elven senses. He has honed that skill brilliantly especially now that he has to hide from all those disgruntled husbands he has to flee from." Began Legolas.

"It's not just husbands though now days." Muttered Emily as she dreamed of all the things she would love to do to the dark elf when she got her hands on him.

Legolas continued, "If I remember rightly only his brother has ever found him."

"I remember him, Kalin right?"

"Did someone call?" A head popped round the door.

"Kalin!" Cried Legolas. "What are you doing here?"

"I had that funny feeling."

"What feeling?"

"The one that tells me Kai is out causing trouble." Kalin made himself at home on the window seat. "So what has he done now?"

"He has gone missing."

"I like a challenge." Grinned the younger dark elf. "Why?"

"He wants to get his cheating hands on my husband." Glared Emily.

"You must be mistaken Kai is most definitely a ladies elf."

"Let me explain…"

……

"George can I have a word?" Gem pulled George away from Aragorn leaving the man alone with a curious chimp that had developed a strange interest with his beard. "Are you sure this is a good idea? Taking him to Edoras."

"Why not? I'm up for a laugh." George smiled slyly.

"Are you mad?! He'll turn like the rest of them, a damn sight quicker seeing as he is human!"

"That's the genius of it. I mean what respectable slash writer could pass up the chance of the classic Legolas/Aragorn story line."

"I am not entirely sure this is on the up and up. Are you not worried to what Emily may think of this?"

"She'll get over it."

"Help!" Aragorn yelped.

"Cumquat! Bad monkey. No, give Aragorn his…that's not supposed to come off is it?!" Winced George.

……

"You can't leave!" Legolas grabbed Kalin as the elf attempted to flee Edoras.

"Hey! He's hitting on me!" Kalin yelped and delivered a sharp blow to Legolas' groin.

"Watch that! I need that!" Shouted Emily as she had a shot at catching Legolas but failed miserably letting him topple to the floor and curl into a protective ball.

"I'm not staying here!" Kalin was halfway out of the door when he caught the look Emily sent him. "Fine I'll stay and find Kai but as soon as I take a liking to knitting I am out of here."

"Thank you Kalin."

"Well I'd best be off finding that idiot brother of mine." Kalin spared Legolas an apologetic look and disappeared into the corridor.

"Come on Legolas let see if we can rub it better."

……

"If I was Kai and wanted to get into Legolas' pants, where would I go?" Kalin peered out of his brother recently vacated room. "Oh who am I kidding the last time I was anywhere near Legolas' pants was when I filled them with green jelly when I was fifteen." Kalin let out a sigh, "This call for desperate measures." Kalin hopped out the window and scouted the area quickly. 'He'd want to go straight to Legolas but he'd know Emily would be there.' Kalin thought. 'Naturally he would need a distraction to get rid of Emily leaving the way for him.'

"Any luck?" Emily asked.

"What are you doing here?!" Yelped Kalin.

"Apparently Eomer has worked out the perfect cocoa and milk balance to form chocolate. Damned if I am going to miss this!" Emily scuttled off leaving Kalin alone with his mouth open.

"Damn brother!" Cursed Kalin as he burst into a full sprint towards Legolas' room.

……

"Hello Legolas." Drawled Kai causing Legolas to jump up in shock.

"Kai! How…where…why are you here?" Legolas stammered.

"I would have thought that was pretty obvious." Kai stepped closer.

"Kai...I…can't…I mean…"

"Are you telling me that you don't want me?"

Legolas gulped and tried to step back.

"Come now Legolas you were far more malleable in the hallway."

"I can't…Emily…" Legolas fought hard to defy what the place he was in made it so natural to do.

Kai pushed the flustered blond elf up against the wall.

"Please Kai…I can't…"

"I think you'll find you can."

"No really I can't, your brother put a stop to that when he elbowed me in my groin about ten minutes ago." Legolas finally babbled out.

"Huh? My brother?!"

"Good afternoon, gwanur." Kalin strolled in and plucked a gaping Kai off the Prince of Mirkwood.

"Kalin! What are you doing here? Dad doesn't want to see me does he?!" Kai practically jumped at this idea.

"Unfortunately no he doesn't. Though I'm sure the husbands of Mirkwood would love to hear about your sudden liking for males. This could mean an end of having to watch their wives constantly. Although they may have to watch out for themselves!" Kalin burst out laughing at the malicious glare his older brother sent him.

"Ah there you are." Haldir breathed a sigh of relief. "Mae govannen, Kalin. Your presence here is most timely."

"Is that code for 'please remove Kai from my sight'?" At Haldir flush of being read so well Kalin continued, "Do not worry, I am used to clearing up my wayward brother's mess. I shall find great amusement in dragging him back to Mirkwood."

Kai grumbled under his breath but made no attempt to protest as Kalin pulled him out of the room.

"Are you all right Legolas? You look a little hot." Smirked Boromir.

"Fine…I'm…"

"Not one bloody piece of chocolate!" Emily huffed as she swept into the room and fell onto the couch.

Legolas could not help but roll his eyes as he settled down next to his wife.

"Well I had best be off." Began Haldir. "I have a certain King of Gondor to find."

"No need." George staggered into the room and launched himself at the bowl of fruit.

"Why are you sucking a lemon?" Grimaced Emily.

"Food!" Mumbled George as his eye twitched in acidic pain.

"Cheese toasty?" Offered Emily which was snatched out of her hand promptly.

"Aragorn!" Welcomed a surprised Boromir. "I must say you are looking much better these days."

Haldir stepped forward to welcome Aragorn when a strange blue thing fluttered in front of his eyes. Working on instinct he waved it away with his hand and when that failed he picked up a copy of Eomer's Cosmopolitan and squashed the flying thing against the wall.

"This calls for a hearty meal." Suggested Emily. The group descended upon the dining room.

George picked up Cumquat and took a quick look around. "Anyone seen Gem?" His question was met with silence. He shrugged. "Nevermind."

……

A/N: George: There goes Gem, may she rest in peace. holds in a snigger

Emily: Hoped you enjoyed the Kalin cameo, but do not fear. Kai and Kalin will be back. Who else could be the godfathers! Here are the thank yous:

Angel's Heart, Demon's Mind – The last time I saw sunshine was in a dream! Stupid rainy England!

Lil Smartass – Ack! I'm going on a date with Craig! I haven't been on a date in ages! Help!

Poolbum – The K brothers just for you!

Limpet666 – I think Kai should put in every story. No fic is complete without him, Perhaps he could come round and kiss your wrist better.

Galasriniel – You spotted my dig at George Bush. Yes my little comment of my political persuasion! Right now I'm glad I live in England despite the rain. Yay Kalin is back kinda. I promise there will be more of him. Who knew he would be so popular?!