Chapter 6: The World Between Worlds
Beep. Beep. Beep. Leon shut his eyes maybe if he did that he could just drown out the incessant drone of the machines monitoring Claire's condition. Beep. Beep. Beep. Nope, the noise was still there boring a hole through his skull. To Leon's ears the sounds of the monitors was akin to mocking laughter. Each beep, beep, beep, sounded more like ha, ha, ha. He couldn't save her and somehow this place knew it.
Everything about Saint Jude's Hospital seemed to mock him; seemed to belie the true situation. The room the girl – a victim of her own hand – rested in was much like the one her brother had occupied only a day ago. Pristine white tile flooring and walls the color of pearls made the small area shine. The sun's golden arms stretched in through a pair of spotless white drapes and bathed them both in what should have been soothing warm light but Leon wished it had been pitch dark and the room encrusted with filth. Then it would have suited the mood of death and despair, of utter hopelessness, that seemed to be consuming his soul with every beep, beep of the machines. The place was so clean, so pure and yet lying amongst the soft cushions of her bed, looking deep asleep, the strongest woman Leon knew was slipping away from him. By her own hand.
Reaching across from his seat beside her bed Leon took her small hand – the one without the bandage wrapped about the wrist – in his larger one. It was just the two of them in the room, he had not gotten around to telling the others of this tragedy yet, not with Chris' death so close in their hearts. News of his sister's attempted – 'God let it stay as just an attempt!' – suicide would only send them deeper into the abyss of grief and loss. Besides, Claire had never really cared for big crowds. They made her nervous she had told him once.
"Just me and you then, kid." Leon said with a small smile, smoothing the hair back from Claire's pale face. While he spoke the words to her the officer knew he might as well have been speaking to himself. Wherever she was now – stuck in the world between worlds, between life and death – she couldn't hear him but he had to say something. Leon was sure if he was forced to listen to nothing but the laughter of the monitors he would go mad. "Just me and you. Just like old times. You remember those times don't you, Claire?"
Silence. Nothing but the beep, beep, beep to be heard. Claire's face was shut and deathly pale but she could have been napping if not for the bloody gauze wrapped about her wrist. She was dying. She was dying and there was nothing Leon Kennedy – sworn to protect and serve – could do to help her. That was funny, he thought, his second time in Saint Jude's and once again he felt completely and utterly useless.
Why couldn't she just wake up and smile at him? It must have been an eternity since last he had seen that warm, glowing smile split her face. Why couldn't he just wake up and discover it had all been another of the horrid nightmares that had plagued him ever since Raccoon City? Why could he not just shoot up in his bed, blanketed in a sheen of sweat, screaming like he had so many other nights and then Claire would be there at his side with a gentle hand on his shoulder, assuring him that everything was alright. It was only a dream, she would tell him, lie down and get some sleep. Leon didn't think he would ever sleep again after this.
"How could you do this to me?" Leon said, the mad cackle of the monitors seemed louder now and the annoyance of the noise in his ears only helped to feed the rage burning in his heart. Fury gnawed inside him, threatening to turn every fiber of his being into ash with its heat. Didn't she know how he felt about her? He had never told her outright, no, but…still she just should have known. "What am I supposed to do without you? Six years we've been together and now you just want to up and leave like this? No way. You owe me, Claire. I saved your life in that diner in Raccoon City. You owe me. Do you understand that? Now you wake up and smile at me!"
Nothing. Silence. Leon's hand quivered on her cool forehead and felt his lips doing the same. His eyes burned, the anger inside him burned. How dare she make him cry! How dare she make him care this much, it wasn't fair, it was unjust. A choking sob escaped Leon's lips and he felt the inferno in his chest blown away in one swift gust. No…no she was not the one to blame here. Not Claire. It was his knife she had used. He should have watched over her better.
"I'm so sorry, Claire." The young man said, not bothering to wipe away the tears streaming through the thick hair on his cheeks. He squeezed her hand harder. "It's my fault. I'm not angry with you, I'm angry with myself. I promised your brother to look after you. I…I should have paid closer attention. I should have stayed up all night with you. I gave up. You never gave up on me after I dropped Ada, no matter how many times I sent you way you came back. It's my fault. I quit on you."
What a failure he was, Leon thought, a sob sending a tremor through him as he rested his hand on the cold guardrail of her bed – cold like her hand. There had only ever been two women in his life that he had felt so strongly for and he had let them both down. Ada died when he let her drop off that bridge – true she had chosen to let go of his hand but there was still more he could have done…should have done…should have been able to do – even if he did not know what at the moment. First Ada and now Claire. Claire was as good as d- 'No! No she's not! Not her! I'm not going to quit again. Ada made a choice. She chose to let go and there was nothing I could do about it but this is different. I won't give up on Claire this time. I won't let her choose to end it this way. Maybe…maybe if I just keep talking…'
Words were coming out of the young officer's mouth before he was even aware he was speaking. He spoke of positive things Claire had never liked to dwell on the negative. She used to stick her tongue out at him when he had moved on to a subject she deemed too dreary. "No one likes a pessimist, Leon," she would say and he would find himself smiling.
"It'll be Christmas soon." He told her, smiling. If she woke up while he spoke he wanted her to find him smiling at her – no accusation, no anger. "I was thinking that I could book some time off work…take my vacation early and we could go up to Quebec for their Winter Carnival. You always told me you wanted to see it some day. I know Barry has a cabin somewhere up in Canada maybe I could get him to lend it to us. How's that sound? Not a bad way to spend a holiday right?"
Claire lay in place, silent as a stone. The machines laughed at him. The room so pure, so clean, made Leon want to tear his hair out and utter every curse he knew. Wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, Leon tightened his grip around the girl's fingers.
"Please Claire," he said, cupping one of her cheeks in his hand. Her skin was so cold, like winter's heart. "I don't know what to do. Just tell me what to do and I'll do it, I swear but you have to help me, I can't do it on my own." Suddenly he fixed her stoney face with a firm look. Why did she have to make this so hard? "I won't let you go. Never. You're going to stay with me Claire. You're not going to make this easy on me so I won't make it easy on you. You are staying with me."
Leon paused, starring down and watching as his friend slipped steadily away from him. 'You can't save her,' his mind chided mercilessly, 'you couldn't save Ada, or David or John. You're useless Kennedy. Protect and serve the public? That's a joke, you can't even protect your friends. You should take the easy way out too – just fling yourself off a bridge or eat a bullet. You'd be doing everyone a favor.' Leon picked his head up. Easy way out? He had survived Raccoon City with the undead and a host of other horrors jumping at him from around every corner. He had survived the Utah facility when a madman had locked him and two others in Umbrella's own sick little obstacle course, complete with creatures that could fly and spit acid. He had survived the final raid on the European HQ where he faced off against the full force of the corporations military might. Easy way out? Nothing about his life had been easy. 'No. I've felt sorry for myself long enough. I'll never take the easy way out. I'm a survivor and so is Claire. Ada took the easy way out. Claire is better than she could ever be and she's a survivor. I won't let her take the easy way out. Not now. Not ever.'
"You listen to me, Claire." Leon said, voice hard as granite, gripping the girl's cheek tight in his palm. "You fight. I don't care how hard it is, you fight right now. You're going to survivor, never once have you rolled over and said die. So you fight. You've lived through too much to go out this way. Fight. You're a fighter Claire, you showed me that a hundred times. Now fight! Fight! FIGHT!"
Leon knew he must have sounded like a raving lunatic to anyone passing by the room but he didn't care. It didn't matter what anyone thought of him as long as he had Claire back. He would give up anything to have her wake, to have her smile at him once. He watched her, silently urging her to fight over and over again in his head…but she just lay there looking so hauntingly peaceful, so hauntingly beautiful. She was sleeping. She was dying.
"I know you can do it, Claire. Please." What more could he say? What more could he do? He wouldn't give up, not this time, not when Claire needed him. There had to be something more he could do, something more he could say. Something. Something… "I love you, Claire." The words seemed to spill out of his mouth all on their own but that didn't mean he meant them any less. "I love you more than anything in my life. Now, please, you have to wake up. You have to wake up for me."
Beep. Beep. Beep. The laughed of the monitors rose to a shrieking din amid the silence that followed. Slowly, Leon lowered his head onto Claire's shoulder and began to weep. 'That which is lost can never be reclaimed.' Leon cried for everything he was about to lose.
Death was a strange experience for Claire Redfield. While she had not known exactly what to expect she was under the impression that there should have been bright lights or harp music or something to assure her that she was, in fact, dead. Instead, she found herself drifting through an endless black void – much like the one in the nightmares she had about Steve Burnside.
There was surreal feeling to the void as if it were a kind of dream. No, it was more like a state than a dream. Limbo. That's where she was – the world in between worlds. Claire had no form here, no shape, only a sense of being. A sense that one way in the nothingness lead to death and the other way lead to life. Where was Chris, she wondered, why hadn't he come for her yet?
"Just me and you then, kid." A voice spoke from somewhere outside the dark void. A familiar voice, Leon's maybe? Claire was not certain. "Just me and you. Just like old times. You remember those times don't you, Claire?"
Old times. Yes, Claire Redfield remembered a great deal about the long years before she had wound up drifting along this sea of darkness. She remembered days and weeks spent squatting in dingy motels and vermin infested apartment buildings with a young police officer – well, he would have been a police officer anyways – named Leon Kennedy. Claire remembered the many nights she had spent crying herself to sleep in his lap, with him running calloused fingers through her hair, because the dark had brought back so many painful memories. Claire recalled laughing with him when he had teased her good-naturedly about not being able to prepare cereal properly; she recalled throwing up her arms in the air and yelling at the foolish man when he was being stubborn. She recalled being terrified when Leon would lock himself away in his room for hours, brooding over the death of a woman whom she knew only by name, and feeling such relief when he had reappeared unharmed that she flung her arms around his neck, not caring how perplexed he had looked.
Those memories hurt a great deal – not because they were unpleasant but because of all the emotions mixed up in them: fear and joy, heartache and compassion and a host of others. So much emotion, it made Claire – wherever she was – fill with nostalgia, with a wish that she could go back to those times when hope had seemed so tangible and real. But no, those times were long passed. She had to let them go. She had to leave. She had to.
"How could you do this to me?" The voice spoke again and it was distinctly Leon's. She would never forget the way his normally light tone would dip ever so slightly when he sounded cross and the angrier he was the lower his voice became. Right now, it sounded to be coming from around his ankles. "What am I supposed to do without you? Six years we've been together and now you just want to up and leave like this? No way. You owe me, Claire. I saved your life in that diner in Raccoon City. You owe me. Do you understand that? Now you wake up and smile at me!"
Her friend's words struck Claire as odd. She had never, in all the time she knew the man, heard him speak like that. He had never sounded so furious, so broken but it was more than that as well. What he was saying simply made no sense.
What was he to do without her? Anything. He could do anything now without her to hold him back and drag him down. Didn't he understand that she had no choice that she had to leave him this way, to make it easy on them both? True he had saved her life back in Raccoon City but what she was doing now would save his life. Those whom she got closest to always died. Always. She most certainly did not understand. Why did he care if she smiled at him?
"I'm so sorry, Claire." Leon's voice was much different now. Strangled and desperate, again, she had never heard him sound like that. Why the sudden change in tone? He went from white-hot rage to frigid sorrow in a heartbeat. "It's my fault. I'm not angry with you, I'm angry with myself. I promised your brother to look after you. I…I should have paid closer attention. I should have stayed up all night with you. I gave up. You never gave up on me after I dropped Ada, no matter how many times I sent you way you came back. It's my fault. I quit on you."
Why was he saying all this? She didn't blame him for anything that happened, none of it was his fault. Everything that had taken place had been her choice. Didn't he see that? And the way he prattled on about what she had done for him after Raccoon City made her sound like some kind of superhero. She was only concerned about a friend, worried what he might do as guilt over this…this Ada person…ate him up inside. He had done the same for her countless times after the debacle on Rockfort Island.
Claire wished she had a nose in this place so she could wrinkle it in irritation. This was just like Leon, always trying to pin the responsibility on himself, trying to weigh him down with it to prove he was strong. She knew he was strong – stronger than she could ever be – she didn't need him to prove it but the man would never believe in himself. She wished he would. He was making things so difficult now, so confusing. Please stop talking. She urged him silently for she had no voice inside the void.
"It'll be Christmas soon." Leon's voice was brighter now but still with a tinge of effort to it, as if it pained him to speak. Please stop, talking Leon. He could not hear her though and so he went on in that choked tone. "I was thinking that I could book some time off work…take my vacation early and we could go up to Quebec for their Winter Carnival. You always told me you wanted to see it some day. I know Barry has a cabin somewhere up in Canada maybe I could get him to lend it to us. How's that sound? Not a bad way to spend a holiday right?"
More memories began to surface as those words faded. Claire and Leon stretched out on a couch in some crumbling flat while hiding out in Montreal. They had been watching Global News when a commercial came up advertising the Winter Carnival to be held in the next city in a few months. It had all looked so wonderful: castles of ice, men and women in costumes skating along frozen lakes, and fireworks bursting in the sky in brilliant hues of red and blue and purple. It had been Claire that had suggested returning to attend it once Umbrella had been taken care of. She was surprised Leon still remembered that, it had been almost a year ago.
"Please Claire," Leon's tone was pleading now, almost as if he was begging with her and that scared the girl deeply. Leon was never the type to beg with anyone…for anything. "I don't know what to do. Just tell me what to do and I'll do it, I swear but you have to help me, I can't do it on my own."
God, why was he saying all these things? You can do anything on your own, Leon, you above all others. Claire thought the words she could not speak and knew that if she had eyes in this place they would be clouded with tears by now. You have to let me go now though. You have to do that on your own. I'm so sorry for making it so hard but you have to.
"I won't let you go. Never. You're going to stay with me Claire. You're not going to make this easy on me so I won't make it easy on you. You are staying with me." The young man's voice was solid now, all traces of weakness lost as if he were stating irrefutable facts and Claire felt startled. Surely he couldn't hear her thoughts? No, that was impossible.
The stubborn fool, couldn't he see what she was doing was for his own good? Couldn't he see she did it because she loved him? Why did he have to make it so hard; have to make her want to give up and come back to him and feel safe again. Where was Chris, she wondered again, why hadn't he come to save her from all this misery and uncertainty? Didn't he love her anymore?
"You listen to me, Claire." His voice, sounding made of stone yet still as gentle as his fingers were when they had stroked her hair while she cried bitterly during those long nights on the run, drew the girl's mind back to him. Back to one end of the void. Leon could be as persistent as Chris was – as he had been – sometimes. "You fight. I don't care how hard it is, you fight right now. You're going to survivor, never once have you rolled over and said die. So you fight. You've lived through too much to go out this way. Fight. You're a fighter Claire, you showed me that a hundred times. Now fight! FightFIGHT!"
Surely, he could not have been talking about her. Claire had never been strong or brave she had merely done what she had to do at the time. She had never done anything beyond what any other person would have done. Her brother had been a brave man. Leon Kennedy was a brave man.
Still, his words made the young woman want to fight and she hated him for it. Who was he to make her want to give up so easily? She just wanted to be free of despair and grief…to let him be free of despair and grief. Why did he have to care about her so much? She was not deserving of it, certainly. Still…suddenly she did want to fight. To beat against that darkness until it shattered to dust and wake in bed with Leon smiling down at her. No, she hoped he was glowering at – enraged at her for showing such selfishness whatever he motives had been at the time. It was no less than she deserved.
"I know you can do it, Claire. Please." Could she do it? She wanted to, now more than ever. But could she? Could she give up on Chris, give up all the agony and remorse dwelling in her soul and go back to a man who was hanging onto her with everything he had? A man who had said he would never let her go. She wanted to.
"I love you, Claire." Leon's words were soft as if whispered and Claire was not certain she had heard him right at first. No, surely she was mistaken. But even the though – even the fantasy – that he had really said such a thing to her was enough to fuel her desire to fly from that suffocating black void. Could she though? Did she have the strength left in her? She had seemed so weak lately, not at all like she remembered herself being at one time.
"I love you more than anything in my life." She had heard right that time. Leon loved her and she had tried to tear herself away from him in the most violent way. Oh, how she hated herself at that moment, how badly she desired to weep. Pushing against the void, she tested her might. Did she have the strength in her anymore?
"Now, please, you have to wake up. You have to wake up for me."
For him. She had the strength for him.
With his head on her arm, sobbing wretchedly against her shoulder, Leon thought the endless laughter of the monitors must have finally driven him insane when he felt the smooth, slender fingers plow softly through his hair. He had to be imagining things, he thought, crazy people always did but then he hesitantly raised his head and saw Claire Redfield smiling down at him. Her eyes were wide, alert and consumed with guilt. Leon could have jumped a foot through the roof as joy crashed over him in a wondrous wave. Wiping tears hastily from his eyes and painting on as genuine a smile as he could muster the young officer smoothed the girl's bangs back from her forehead for the hundredth time.
"Hey there," he said lamely, a lingering sob making him choke on the words, "enjoy your nap?"
Claire laughed weakly, the guilt seeming to burn in her gray eyes now. "A little longer than I would have liked but I do feel refreshed." She snorted suddenly and tugged on the point of his scruffy beard. "You could have at least shaved this awful thing off before coming to see me, Leon." She teased but those eyes, so full of pain and self-blame belied her weak smile.
"I don't think you're in any position to be making demands, missy." Her friend laughed but his smile quickly faded into a frown. "If you ever scare me like that again I'll wring your neck, Claire."
"I know." She nodded sadly, looking at the end of the bed as her cheeks began to color. "Leon, I-I wanted to thank you…thank you for everything you've done for me. I'm sorry. Please, believe that I'm so sorry for seeming so ungrateful and um doing what I did."
"Don't apologize, Claire." Leon gripped her hand tightly in his, relieved to feel the warmth of life and energy flowing back through the girl once more. It seemed only a minute ago she had been colder than ice. "You're back now and that's all I care about. We can talk about…about this later. Everything's fine now though okay? I won't let anything happen to you again. I won't."
Again, Claire nodded before twining her fingers through Leon's. "While I was sleeping I…I could hear your voice."
This time it was Leon's turn to grow red and drop his gaze. He looked up again after a moment with a weak laugh. "Hope you didn't hear me say anything bad about ya." He smiled.
"No," She said, returning his smile with luster, some of the guilt fading from her large, gray eyes. "No, I heard just what I needed to."
Leon let out a surprised gasp as Claire threw her arms about his neck with violence and grabbed the hair at the back of his head with an almost animalistic ferocity, pressing her face into the crook of his neck. Taking a moment to recover from his friend's sudden embrace, Leon wound his arms around her slender figure and gently stroked her back. 'I'll never let you go.' He thought, repeating the words aloud into her ear. "I'll never let you go."
With her arms secured tightly around Leon and her face buried against the soft flesh of his neck, Claire contented herself with merely sitting there, drinking in the officer's clean, soapy scent and the warmth of his hold. He was right, she was back now and everything was going to be fine. Sitting there, listening to the steady thump of Leon's heart Claire Redfield, so wracked by fear and loss, grief and despair, felt that life might be worth living after all.
Author's Note: Here you are my Readers. I hope you enjoy this chapter and pray that you will continue to review my work, as feedback is what keeps me inspired and writing. Stayed tuned for the next installment of Come Clean soon and for those of you reading Three Days In A Nightmare as well, a new update for that should be available on the site shortly. Thank you for reading. Enjoy.