A/N: Emily: Hello! It's my birthday! Yay! And George hasn't given me a present!

George: I'm working on it.

Emily: Whatever, we're seeing Blink 182 on Sunday, YAY! Here we go…It's time to go to Earth.

Disclaimer: We have decided that we own earth. If an idiot like Bush can rule America, two idiots like us two can rule the world! 'evil laughter'

Chapter Thirteen – Soggy Sandals.

"Where's the Magic bag? We need trifle…trifle…" George ran round in circles did a funny dance and collapsed.

"Well he is certainly useful." Commented Haldir dryly.

"Three…Three and a half…Four…Four and a half." Counted Boromir.

"What are you doing?!" Yelled Emily who grabbed the magic bag herself.

"Counting the minutes between your contractions."

"Well stop it! It's disconcerting!" Emily opened the Magic Bag and summoned up a fridge complete with trifle. "Come on Legolas we have to…" Emily turned to face her husband. "Not him as well!"

Legolas was lying a few feet away from where George had landed.

"Men!" Emily removed some flowers from a vase and poured the stagnant water over the elf's sleeping head.

"Wh…ssphllh!" Spluttered Legolas with a jolt.

"Are you going to keep doing that?!" Scowled Emily as she stormed off and promptly disappeared into the fridge.

Legolas approached the kitchen appliance dubiously. He could remember the trials Orlando Bloom had went through to get back home during the Quest. Legolas looked back at George,

"Emily will want him to come to Earth."

"Don't worry. We'll see he gets there." Smiled Boromir giving the sleeping Gondorian King a nudge with his foot.

With one last nervous smile Legolas entered the fridge.

……

HOOONNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Legolas squinted as an extremely bright light accompanied by a low rumbling and loud horn drew closer.

"Jebus Christ!" Emily grabbed Legolas' arm and pulled him out of the road.

"What in all of Arda was that?!"

"That is a car, and we aren't in Arda anymore. Next time you see a car coming towards you…move!" Emily looked her elf over for any damage. "Well you look…Shiiiiiit!" Yelped Emily as another contraction hit.

"We have to get you to a healer!" Legolas had almost picked Emily up when she poked him in the eye.

"It's Doctor! Damn could you be anymore conspicuous?!" Emily looked at the pointy-eared, long blond haired, greenly dressed elf in front of her complete with weapons. "We need to get you a change of clothes…and maybe a hat." She added as an after thought.

"You are in labour it is hardly the time to be coordinating!"

"Fine! If you want to be probed by the government that's fine by me but I'm not going to hospital until my waters break!" Emily waddled off.

Legolas quickly followed after her. "Emily…I'm sorry, I'm just worried…I can't just let you walk the roads of…" Legolas looked around at the bright lights that surrounded them. He had never seen anything like it. Cars fought for space on the roads, the air was thick with smoke and the sound of brassy music filled his ears. "Where are we?"

"Welcome to Christmas in London." Grinned Emily. "Come on."

Emily took Legolas down some of the quieter back roads.

"Where are we going?"

"Kensington."

"Why?"

"You'll see." Emily made her way up to some steps of a stately Kensington apartment that boasted an underground garage fit for five Ferraris. She knocked loudly on the door.

The door slowly opened. "Emily! Legolas!"

……

"Argh! Baby!" George sat up with a start. "Emily! Where is she?"

"Earth. Which is precisely where you should be." Haldir placed a cold cloth against George's head.

"Well let me up then."

"Oh no you don't, you have mild concussion, you cannot go anywhere alone. One minute you will be fine then next you'll be asleep on the floor!"

"I have to get to earth!"

"We'll escort him." Kai and Kalin grinned sweetly from the doorway.

……

"Hey Orli man, how you doing?" Emily launched herself into the arms of the actor.

"I'm great! Look at you! Wow babes you're pregnant! Congratulations." Orlando ushered Emily and Legolas in. "What brings you to earth?"

Legolas gave Orlando a quick glare still bearing a grudge from the last time they had met. "Emily is in labour." He finally answered.

"What?! Come on I'll drive you to hospital!" Orlando grabbed his keys.

"No, not yet. I was hoping you could spare Legolas some clothes. He isn't exactly blending and what with you two being the same size." Emily smiled.

Orlando returned Legolas' glare and replied through gritted teeth, "Of course, I'll go find something suitable now."

Orlando was half way up the stairs when Emily let out a scream.

"Mellamin! What is wrong?" Cried Legolas.

"Was that a contraction?!" Orlando asked in disbelief.

Emily shook her vehemently and wildly pointed at a dresser across the room. "You have a fricking Furby!!! I hate Furbies!"

Orlando picked the offending toy up and quickly shoved it in a drawer. "Better?"

"Why would you do that?! Place that fiendish object in your home!" Sniffled Emily who was being calmed by Legolas who was trying to hold in his sniggers.

"It isn't mine, it belongs to Kate." Answered Orlando also hiding a smirk.

"Kate?" Emily narrowed her eyes.

"Yes, my girlfriend, she moved in here last week. Her stuffs all over the place at the moment."

"Your girlfriend!" Emily looked practically murderous.

"Are you okay?" Asked Orlando worriedly.

"Perfectly fine." Snapped Emily who promptly fell into a nearby sofa doing her best impression of a beached whale.

"I'll just go and get those clothes." Orlando disappeared off into his maze of a house.

"Who would have thought it? Someone actually lives with that guy." Commented Legolas snidely as he settled next to his wife. "How are you feeling?"

"Like there is a bowling bowl sitting on my bladder." Sighed Emily and she wilfully bit her lip riding out another contraction.

Legolas grabbed her hand, "Just think, soon will have our own baby to love and take care of." Legolas pulled off another award winning look that had Emily melting. She was promptly brought back to solid form as a blond woman strolled into the room with a big package in her arms. She walked straight past Emily and Legolas and deposited the parcel on the table.

"Hide." Whispered Emily and within seconds the elf was nowhere to be seen.

"Orli!" Called the American woman. "Orli are you in?!"

"He's upstairs." Answered Emily from the sofa.

The woman visibly jumped, "Who are you?"

"An old friend of Orlando's."

"Oh how wonderful, I haven't met many of his friends. I'm Kate." She giggled as she extended a beautifully manicured hand.

Emily looked dauntingly at the hand. "Sorry I'm allergic to plastic."

Kate furrowed her brow in confusion, let out another giggle and went back to unpacking her parcel. "I'm sorry I didn't catch your name."

"I don't recall throwing it." Mumbled Emily.

"What?"

"My name is Emily. Orli and I go a long way back."

"Really…I suppose you met in Canterbury then?"

"Will these do?" Orlando walked into the room holding some clothes. "Kate?! You're back early."

"I bought the most beautiful bed linen." She chattered excitedly. "What are the clothes for?"

"Um…they are…um…for the baby! I mean…when it grows up of course." Orlando scratched his head uncertainly.

"Oh wow! You are pregnant!" Kate squealed. Emily rolled her eyes.

"So what did you buy?" Orlando threw the clothes behind the sofa where he figured the elf was hiding.

"It's Egyptian silk." She fussed as she shook the sheets out.

Emily saw the receipt flutter to the ground and slowly lent down to retrieve it. "Bogging hell! Ten grand for some sheets!"

"Oh Orli doesn't mind. Do you Orli?" Chirped Kate as she neatly folded the sheets back up. "I mean you could always do another one of those Lord of the Rings movies. That really brought in the money."

"No babe." Orlando sat down next to Emily which earned him a glare from Legolas who was now behind the curtains.

"Why not?"

"Lord of the Rings is a trilogy babe."

"You could make the fourth in the trilogy."

Emily had to shove her fist in her mouth to absorb the laughter. "You actually date this girl?"

"Trilogy is three babe." Sighed Orlando.

"Oh. Well perhaps you could be in The Hobbit."

"Legolas wasn't in The Hobbit babe."

"I'm sure Peter wouldn't mind adding you."

"It isn't Peter's story, its Tolkien's babe."

"Then ask Tolkien then."

"Tolkien is dead babe."

"Well this is thrilling." Grinned Emily.

Orlando placed a comforting hand on Emily's leg.

"Remove your hand!" Yelled a newly attired Legolas darting out from behind the curtain and practically manhandling Orlando off his seat.

"Man you need to chill out!" Snapped Orlando.

"Will you two stop?! Stop fighting!" Yelled Emily.

"He started it." Shouted a mature Legolas.

"Did not!" Retaliated Orlando.

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

While this 'intellectual' argument rage on everyone failed to notice the gob smacked look that had come over Kate's face.

"He…he…you…look…who…how…" Stammered Kate.

"Orli attend to your girlfriend before she has a fit." Commented Emily who then in turn scrunched up her face in the wave of a contraction.

"Kate I would like you to meet Leg…Lee my twin." Orlando shrugged when Legolas began to have a coughing fit.

"You have a twin? How come you never told me?"

"Yeah Orlando, why didn't you tell her about me?" Smirked Legolas.

"I…um…well you see…Emily used to be my girlfriend and Lee stole her from me. I didn't want him to do it again." Orlando's unconvincing lie would have been spotted by anyone…anyone but Kate.

"Oh you poor thing. You must have been so upset." Kate turned to Legolas. "How could you do that to your own brother?!" She landed a well placed slap to the elf's face.

"Now wait a minute!" Emily dragged herself up. "No one touches my husband without me…" Emily failed to come up a good finish.

"Without what?" Sneered Kate.

At that precise moment Emily's waters broke…on Kate's beautifully crafted Gucci sandals.

"Well that could work." Grinned Emily before promptly falling back onto the sofa and wigging out. "Shit! I'm having a baby! Legolas! Bollocks!"

"Orlando get us to the hospital, NOW!" Legolas with all his Elven strength picked up his rotund wife and followed the actor out the house leaving Kate standing on her own with soggy feet.

"Who's Legolas?" She sniffled to the empty room.

……

A/N: Emily: The birth was supposed to be in this chapter but it got kinda long so we split it in two.

George: The next chapter we will give to you when we feel like it, because we are evil and can! Ha ha ha! You could always send us loads of reviews to massage our egos!

Emily: Ignore him, as soon as the chapter is finalised I'll put it up! Here are the thank yous:

Lil Smartass - Stop plugging your own fic, no one wants to read your trash! My commas are perfect, stop moaning about my grammar there is no way I'm letting you beta read!

CloakedInsanity – I know it was short! Sorry! Hopefully this one is of a more agreeable length! Poolbum has sent me a lovely long list of baby names so all is taken care of.

Gustav – I'm not sure what Legolas would think of Gustav but Me and George like it!

Angel's Heart, Demon's Mind – George loves big words it makes him feel smart!

Poolbum – Loving the baby names. Look out for them!

Limpet666 - Damn you write KAI! I love it when Legolas hits Gandalf it was a pleasure to write. All shall be revealed soon with the baby names.

Galasriniel – Wow you say uber too! Hope the chicken eggs were nice!