Title: Surviving
Author: Willow
Summary: Josh knows what will happen if he goes to sleep.
Spoilers/Episode: Post season 1, The Crackpots And These Women
Characters: Josh POV
Rating: PG
Part II
I'm really not sure what was I suppose to think. This was my get out of jail free card. Except that I don't want it and that's why I gave it back. I thought Leo of all people would understand. I can't believe he tried to talk me into keeping it.
God I'm tired, I know I should go to bed and get some sleep but I'm scared. If I sound like an 9 year old, then that's about right, because at the moment, that's how I feel and I really thought Leo would understand that.
CJ and Sam both asked, why would they get an NSC card. Their reasoning kind of makes sense, it's just that, I don't see why my life should be worth more than theirs. I'm not a better person than they are. I haven't done anything that means I deserve to survive, instead of them.
I really should go to bed, but I know what'll happen if I go to sleep. I can hear my grandfather's voice echoing down through the years. "You can't stay awake for the rest of your life, Joshua," he use to tell me. "You have to sleep. If the nightmares come, they can't hurt you." He knew what he was talking about. I miss his wise words, spoken gently in Polish. I wonder I could still understand Polish. I still know the words, but would I understand them spoken with the correct accent? okay, my minds wandering now, I really need sleep.
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I can hear her calling me, telling me to get out. She tells me that it'll be okay, she'll put the fire out and then she'll follow me. But as I leave the kitchen and go through the den, there's a roaring sound behind me. I spin round. There are flames climbing up the wall next to the kitchen door. They're shooting across the ceiling above my head. I can't go back in there, even though I know she's there.
The smoke is filling the downstairs now. I can't stay in here. I don't want to die. I'm scared. I have to get out. I try to run for the front door, but I stumble and fall. My eyes and throat hurt. I struggle to my feet and run to the door. It's locked. Oh God. My hands are shaking as I turn the key. I pull the handle. I run outside, across the lawn. The grass is so cold after the heat in the house.
I hammer on the Jennings's front door, still coughing. Mrs Jennings opens the door and calls her husband. Him and his two sons run to our house. They can't get in. We stand and watch as flames shoot from the windows. I can hear screaming. I imagine it's Joanie, but it could be me. Mrs Jennings tries to make me go into her house, but I'm not going anywhere. I have to watch. I might see Joanie. I might be able to help her. The fire department arrive. An ambulance comes. I'm put in it and driven away. I want Joanie. I can't stop crying.
I'm lying here, cold and sweating, telling myself that I'm not 9 years old, that I'm safe. That nobody's been hurt tonight. I turn the bedside lamp on. My hands are shaking. There are tears on my face. My grandfather wasn't completely correct. Nightmares can hurt you, maybe not physically, but they still hurt. I've not had one that bad since my dad died. Last night was bad, but not like this. I thought giving the card back would make me feel better. Obviously I was wrong. I have to sort this out in my head.
I'm not going to talk to Toby or Donna about the NSC. Toby would tell me I was idiot and to go away and let him work. Donna would say the same as CJ and Sam. And what about my mom? She'd drive down here, to beat the crap out of me for even thinking about giving the card back. My dad would have too. My grandfather would have understood why I did what I did. He knew what it was like to survive and to feel guilty. His eldest son, his parents, his brother, two sisters...... all his family, my family, except my grandmother and father, were killed by the Nazis. He survived. He was reunited with my grandmother a few weeks later. It took them over a year to find my father. He'd been smuggled out by friends. They'd made their way to the US. They had relatives in Connecticut and had settled there. When the war ended, they tried to find out what had happened to my grandparents, eventually, with the help of the Red Cross, they found each other. But my grandfather never understood why he survived when others didn't. But I understood. He had to look after my grandmother and my father, and me.
So he would know why I gave the card back. He wouldn't have agreed that it was the white flag of surrender though. He'd have said that lying down and dying was the surrender. Surviving was the victory. That was how you beat your enemies. By showing, that no matter what they did to you, you'd still be alive.
And what about Joanie, what would she have said? She was 16 when she died, I was 9. In truth I have no idea what she would have said. Of course she would probably be just like me and mom and dad. In which case she'd have kicked my butt and called me an idiot. On the other hand though, if she were around to yell at me for being an idiot, I wouldn't be lying here now, scared and not daring to go back to sleep.
And here we come to the heart of the matter. The real reason that being given that card by the NSC shook me up so badly. In case you haven't already guessed, let me enlighten you. I left my sister, my sister who would have done anything for me. I left her in a burning building. I left her to die, because I was scared. I don't give a shit that I was only a little kid. I don't care what Stanley says, it's not what you're suppose to do. What you're suppose to do is look out for each other. I don't know if I can be the survivor again.
Leo has a point though, I do know that. My parents both told me that there was nothing I could have done. That they thanked God that I'd done as Joanie told me and ran out of the house. If we'd both died, it would have killed my parents. Joanie's death almost did that. Even at 9 years old I could tell, I could see what it had done to them and my grandfather. They tried to act normal, but I knew. At the time it made me feel more guilty. I'd done that to them. I'd wanted popcorn, I hate the stuff now. I'd left Joanie in the burning house......
Yes, I know I was 9 years old. I couldn't possibly have got back into the kitchen and survived. But there you have it don't you. In the weeks that followed, I didn't care. If I could have done those last few minutes of Joanie's life again, I'd have gone to her, just to be with her. Leo knows that, like he said, he was there. Him and Jenny were at the party with my parents. They were with them when the police came and told them. They went to the funeral. He knows exactly how I feel, that's why I thought he'd understand. And that's what's making me think. Maybe he does understand. Maybe that has nothing to do with this after all.
The reality is this. Giving the card back, won't bring Joanie back. She's been dead for thirty years. Maybe if I keep the card I can do some good. Not that there's ever going to be a need to use it. This is all hypothetical you understand. How many other White House staffers have had these NSC cards and how many have ever had to use them? Precisely. So here I am, loosing sleep and worrying over nothing. Perhaps I'll talk to Leo again, maybe he can convince me of that.
It's getting light now, thank God.
Part 3.....