George: Happy New Year! It has taken Emily four months to discover where the headphone port on her laptop is! There is no hope for IT skills exam in March! He he he!
Emily: It was camouflaged!
G: Whatever.
E: The Phantom of the Opera!
G: If you sing that one more time I shall have to decapitate you!
E: 'Gulp'
G: Anyhow this is the penultimate chapter guys and have we got an ending for you!
E: Oh a big thank you to Lil Smartass who really helped with the ending of this chapter. So any complaints you can blame her!
Disclaimer: We own two major hangovers, a surplus of turkey and those weird mini sausage roll thingies. Other than that we own nothing.
Chapter Sixteen – Meet the parents.
"Hey, he kinda looks like me!" Suggested Orlando with a cheeky grin as he held Xavier in his arms. The third baby had dark hair with ran in neither of his parents families.
"Are you sure you didn't sleep with Orlando?" George asked his sister.
Legolas was on the verge of killing someone, he was not sure who he wanted to strangle but George was looking to be the most likely target.
"How could anyone sleep with a state?" Asked a bemused Kate.
"Who invited her?" Grumbled Emily.
"She does live here." Reminded Orlando who had kindly put up Emily, George, three elves and three new born babies.
"Argh!!!!!!!!!!!" Everyone turned to Kai who was yelling.
"What?"
"What is this?!" Kai threw the offending object across the room which neatly landed in Emily's lap.
"Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Emily leaped up despite still being in pain.
"It's just a Furby." Kate picked her toy up.
"Someone really should get rid of that thing." Commented Legolas.
"No!" Protested Kate who hugged her Furby fiercely.
"Sorry love but I'm only following orders." Kalin grinned as he pushed Kate out of the back door and locked her out.
"I meant the Furby not the girlfriend." Legolas re-put.
"Oh well." Kalin ignored Orlando's glare and went back to eating Orlando's supply of chocolate.
"What happens when we take him back to Middle-earth where there is no chocolate?" Whispered George to Emily.
"Remember that time we had to wean Professor Roberts off of chalk dust after we coated all his cigarettes with it…"
"Yeah…Jesus, I've never seen a grown man weep so much in my life!"
"It will be a bit like that, only about twenty times worse!"
"Kai don't touch…" Too late Kai had pressed the on button for the television.
Bright pictures transmitted into the room and the three elves gaped in wonder.
"What is that?" Asked a mesmerised Kalin.
"That is a television; it's like a theatre only smaller and less people bursting into song every time they feel an emotion." Explained George. "Unless of course they are showing a musical."
"What's a musical?" Asked Kalin.
"The Phantom of the Opera is here inside your mind!" Sang Emily.
"Who's in my mind?" The elf was now mightily confused.
"The Phantom!"
"Phantom?"
"Stop plugging that bloody movie!" Yelled George.
"It looks familiar." Commented Legolas who was now sat right in front of the screen.
"That is because this years Christmas film is 'The Lord of the Rings.'"
"Hey look Legolas is in the box!" Cried Kalin.
Legolas turned back to the screen to be greeted by the sight of a miniature him running out of the mines of Moria. "It's me!"
"Actually I think you'll find that is me." Corrected Orlando.
Legolas grimaced slightly but then went back to watching the film, "Look we're going to Lothlorien! Haldir!"
"Are you all right Kai?" Asked Emily who noticed the dazed look on Kai's face.
"He's in the box! We have to get him out!"
"Huh?"
Before anyone could stop him Kai was upon the television and dismantling it with his long knife.
"My TV!" Yelped Orlando.
"Kai! Kai!" Legolas grabbed the darkling elf. "Kai! I'm not in the box!" It was no use Kai was blabbering and swinging his knife in a crazed frenzy. There was only one thing for it. Legolas landed a solid thump to Kai face sending the elf sprawling across the floor.
"Brother are you all right?" Kalin rolled Kai over.
"I had the strangest dream. Legolas was in a box, and Emily had three babies and then there was this guy who was Legolas but had better hair…"
"Shall I hit him again?" Growled Legolas.
"Perhaps it is time we thought about going home." Suggested George.
"I think you may be right." Agreed Emily.
"No we can't go home yet!" Protested Kalin. "I want to explore this world a bit more."
"I'm afraid it would far too dangerous for you three elves to go gallivanting around earth." Said Emily.
"It cannot be that bad out there."
"It not you three I'm worried about!"
……
"Are we there yet?" Whined Kai.
"We've only just got on the bus!" Yelled George.
"I still don't see why we couldn't take Orli's car." Grumbled Emily. "We would be at the shopping centre by now!"
"I would have loved to see us two plus three elves fit into his sleek sports car!"
"Ssssh! Stop mentioning the word elf! People are looking!"
"Well we are hardly the most inconspicuous of people are we?! What with an Orlando Bloom look-alike and those two!" George looked over to Kai and Kalin who had raided Orlando's wardrobe for hats and ended up with a Kalin wearing a random beret and Kai supporting the same feathered hat Orlando had worn in Pirates of the Caribbean.
"We are so going to be busted. It's been nice knowing you brother." Groaned Emily.
"Don't worry Em, it will be those three that get probed." Sniggered George.
"I don't want Legolas to get probed, what happens if he likes it?!"
"Excuse me?!" Legolas began to cough violently.
"What happens if I press this button?" Asked Kai staring at the little red button in front of his seat.
"That's if you want the bus to stop." Replied George.
Ding, Ding.
"Don't press it!"
"But I want the bus to stop."
"Why?"
Kai shrugged and went back to staring at the button as the bus pulled up to stop.
Ding, Ding.
"Stop it!" Yelled Emily.
Ding, Ding.
……
"You got us thrown off the bus!" George curled into a heap on the pavement.
Kai shrugged.
"Great! I thought you wanted to get some souvenirs of earth before we went back home?" Emily joined George on the pavement.
"Maybe we could just find stuff, like…this!" Kai suggested.
"That's a traffic cone Kai."
"It's not just A traffic cone it is now MY traffic cone."
"Okay keep the traffic cone."
"What is a significant part of your culture?" Asked Kalin looking around for something to filch.
"Fish and Chips." Answered George.
"Ignore him. Music is a big thing…maybe you could take a CD back to Middle-earth, something like Iron Maiden!"
"And yes while he is playing his 'cultured' music on his non-existent CD player he could reminisce about the time I tried to wire up Middle-earth and ended up frying like a an egg on a bald man's head!"
"Oooh we could get him a guitar!" Squeaked Emily
"A guitar?" Kalin helped Emily off the floor as she wriggled about impatiently.
"It's an instrument." Explained Emily. "And I know exactly where we can get one!"
"You're not thinking of going to…You are aren't you! Are you mad?" George shrieked.
"What's going on?" Asked Legolas worriedly.
"Legolas darling, how would you like to meet my parents?" Emily smiled sweetly.
"Do I have a choice?"
"Nope."
"I guess I'm in then."
……
"Press the doorbell then." Instructed Emily.
"Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean what do you expect Mum and Dad to say? 'Oh hello kids, would you like me to warm up your dinner for you, the chicken might be a bit dry!'" Snapped George.
"Chill out. Mum will be fine once she finds out she has some grandkids, and don't worry about Dad he'll just carry on watching whatever film he has decided to put on today."
"I hope you are right."
"I'll press it!" Kai jumped forward and poked the bell repeatedly until his ringer went through it. "Whoops."
"Did we have to bring him?" Grumbled George as the door slowly opened.
"Emily! George! I hope you are hungry I've just cooked a lovely roast. Oh you've brought guests; well there is plenty of food to go around!" Greeted Emily and George's mum with a beaming smile.
"See, told you so." Emily followed her mum in. "Mum I'd like you to meet Legolas, my husband."
There was a slight pause.
"Your husband! Well I'd better have a look at him then!" Mum looked the now quite frightened elf up and down. "He's a bit on the skinny side and he could do with a haircut." She paused again and circled him slowly. "Does he have any tattoos?"
"They have triplets!" Piped up Kai helpfully.
"Grandchildren! Three of them! Oh well you must make yourself at home young Legolas. So where are you from then?"
"Um…Mirkwood."
"Is it warm there because Emily gets ever so moody in the winter complaining about the cold?" Continued Mum.
Legolas smirked at his wife. "Yes it is lovely and warm in Mirkwood."
"So mum?" Began Emily changing the subject. "Where's Dad?"
"Oh he's watching The Pink Panther. You couldn't be a dear and tell him dinner is ready could you?"
"Sure." Emily wandered off to the living room.
"So George are you married?"
"Not yet, working on it." George shifted nervously; the 'm' word always produced an odd rash on his arm. "Hey mum, this is Kai and Kalin, they are the triplets Godfathers!"
"What?!" Legolas tripped over the rug.
"Oh how lovely! Won't you two come and sit down." Mum directed the three elves and George to the table.
……
"Um…Dad…dinner's ready." Announced Emily.
"Oh good." Dad got up and walked out the room only to quickly run back in. "Emily! I thought you'd disappeared off to Middle Earth or something." He laughed.
"What a ridiculous idea." Emily grinned and begun to nervously hum.
"Are you here to stay?"
"Unfortunately not. Um…dad there is someone I want you to meet." Emily led dad into the dining room. "Dad this is Legolas, my…um…husband."
"Is that so?" Dad said ominously as he sat down slowly opposite to a now terrified Legolas. "And what is it that you do Legolas?"
"Not a lot." Mumbled Kai as he shovelled potatoes into his mouth.
"Well I…um…I was a member of the Fellowship…and I…I'm an expert archer!"
"And does that pay well?"
"He's a Prince. He's got loads of money." Added Kalin.
"Prince! Pah! That is nothing I'm a King." George announced smugly.
"Oh George how wonderful." Smiled Mum indulgently.
"A Prince you say? I never really thought much of the monarchy." Commented Dad.
"Me too!" Agreed Kai.
Legolas glared at his 'royal' bodyguard.
"Will Emily be expected to produce an heir to your throne?" Dad asked threateningly.
Legolas went white and found the gravy on his plate rather fascinating.
"Oh she already has!" Kai downed his wine and nearly spat it out when he saw Legolas' eye twitch nervously.
"Oh really?"
"Not just one, three!" Added Kalin.
"So not only did you marry my daughter you impregnated her three times!"
"Well would you look at the time!" Emily jumped up and knocked over her chair. "Legolas, come and help me find the guitar." Legolas did not need to be asked twice and almost sprinted upstairs.
Emily led Legolas into her old room and began rooting around in her wardrobe.
"Emily?"
"Yes dear."
"What is that?"
"What?" Emily stood up and turned to see what Legolas was pointing at. "Oh…that would be my cardboard cut-out of…um…well…you…really."
"That is creepy." Legolas circled it warily. "It's shorter than me."
"Could fold it in half so we can take it with us?"
"Fold it! I can't do that, he's looking at me, I mean I'm looking at me, no wait…" Legolas sat down on the bed thoroughly confused.
"Why don't you just hold the guitar hunny?" Emily thrust the instrument into Legolas' hands. "Right we had best be off before Dad decides to resume his Spanish inquisition."
"I like that idea. Emily…do we really have to bring the cut-out?"
"Why, don't you like it?"
"Kai will use it for archery practice." Sniffed Legolas.
"We could hide it!"
"Where?!"
"You could use it as camouflage in battles! Oh and think of all the fun I could have with two Legolas'!" Giggled Emily.
"Are you two done up there?" Yelled George from downstairs.
"Look Kalin we found you a guitar! Kalin?!" Emily looked around for the youngest elf.
"He found mum's chocolate stash." Explained George.
"Do you really have to go?" Asked Mum. "You've only just arrived and I really would love to feed your husband a bit more."
"We really have to be off." Emily paused as her phone began to beep incessantly.
"Here, take this cooking book. Perhaps Emily can learn to cook a nice meal for you." Legolas accepted the book gratefully. Anything that would stop the jelly and peanut butter sandwiches Emily made nightly would be a blessing. Peanuts did nothing for an elf's complexion.
"Orlando's on his way here with the triplets, he said if one more squiggly baby poo landed on his carpet he would have to throttle them!" Emily informed.
Orlando arrived ten minutes later looking sorely worse for wear and promising never to have children. He said his goodbyes, gave Emily a kiss much to Legolas' annoyance and shot off again in his shiny car that had George drooling in green eyed envy.
"Well I think that went very well." Sighed George as the group set off to find a quiet spot where they could place their teleporting trifle. "Considering Kalin was sick over the bathroom wall as well as the ceiling."
"Are you sure it isn't in my hair?" Asked Kalin hurriedly scraping his fingers through his hair.
"Why am I holding everything?" Moaned Kai as he struggled to balance Xavier, a guitar, a cardboard cut-out and a traffic cone in his arms.
"Quit whining Kai and listen up, I'm going to teach you elves some road safety." Began Emily who passed Ellette to Legolas. Emily turned so that her back was to the road and that she faced George and the three elves. "Firstly, you must always look both ways."
Legolas rocked Ellette back and forth and sighed, 'Where did Emily get all her energy from.' He was an elf and could do with a months sleep and anyway weren't women who had just given birth supposed to stay in bed?
"Secondly," Continued Emily, "You must wait until there is nothing in your path. You must not leap into the road and challenge it to a combat." Emily looked at Kai poignantly. As she continued to explain the wonders of zebra crossings and the marvels of traffic lights Emily took a step back off the kerb.
George held up a hand, "Why are you teaching us road safety? You've been hit by a car on many an occasion."
"Yes and I pride myself on my expertise of not dying when hit by said automobiles. Besides, some good things come of nearly being run over. Remember Adam?"
"Your ex-boyfriend? The one who looked like a younger version of Orlando Bloom?"
"Yep. I met him by almost getting run over." A car was speeding along ominously close to hitting Emily as she discussed her past conquests.
Legolas pushed Ellette into Kai's already full arms and lunged forward intent on pulling Emily to safety. Emily, however, wrongly informed by the murderous glint in Legolas' eyes at the mention of Adam leapt backwards, right into the path of the on coming vehicle.
……
A/N: George: Oooh cliffy!
Emily: Here are the thank yous:
Poolbum – yes we used the name Ellette! Feel free to use Kai and Kalin. They like being used!
Angel's Heart, Demon's Mind – My house is practically brimming to the pointof explosion with chocolate! I think the idea of triplets is cute! Three lil babies!
Lildoe – Thank you, it was a tough experience but was worth it in the end!
Limpet666 – Hey you! Yay for new KAI chapter! George is obsessing over X-Men as you can probably tell! Now go and spread the joy and drunkenness of Kai!
Galasriniel – The Russian was courtesy of a little Russian dictionary. George and I are actually roughly a quarter Russian so it was quite fun to use the language!
Chaotic Jinx – Hey you are back. I've been missing your reviews! I've met Eomer. He he he. Very cute in real life and also not gay! I'm with you on the word 'fish'. You can use Kai and Kalin we don't mind. Describe them? Well… think Legolas but slightly butcher and with very dark hair. That would Kai (he kinda reminds me of what I would imagine Elladan to look like). Kalin is basically a slightly shorter Kai with lighter hair.
DreamWeaverEveninMist – We love new reviewers! Welcome to our world.