Dear Diary,
It's been very interesting since a few days ago. My friends saw me crying, and were a bit stunned for a moment. They realized, even though they are so utterly stupid, that I loved him: a freshman loser. They dismissed me with some hurtful parting words: "We never liked you anyway."
As they brushed me out of the clique, I wanted to screech, "Then why did you hang out with me? Why did you say you thought I was so devious and cool? Why didn't you leave me in the first place?" I knew the answer. They wanted my power and my clothes. They knew the answer.
I couldn't go home with my eyes red and my face puffy, so I stumbled to the park to get some air. I sat on a bench, waiting for someone to come along and pity me and ask what's wrong. But something different happened.
I sat there and then after ten minutes, some nineteen or eighteen-year old girls walked by, and they were laughing about some movie. I recognized one of them. It was that one girl who terrorized me when I was seven. The one that changed me. I stared as I sat there, and watched her look oh-so-happy, not knowing she ruined my life.
I sat there, thinking if she never, ever bullied me...then I'd be different. I would be with Robbie, I'd have real friends, and I wouldn't be a snob.
I don't know what came over me the next second. I just couldn't stand how she was laughing, while I felt like crying, because of what she did to me. Suddenly I jumped up, not able to control my thoughts or actions, and ran over to the tall girl and punched her in the face. "I hate you!" The followers were speechless and they fell to the ground to see if she was okay.
"Marley?" They asked her, checking if she broke anything. The girl, "Marley", looked stunned. I guess I would be too if a girl, out of the blue, just attacked me.
"I hate you so much! Why did you push me to the ground and say nice guys finish last? Why the hell did you change me?! Why did everything turn out like this?"
Then I started hitting her, kicking her. I wanted her dead. I wanted her to die. I couldn't stand to look at her. Because she was me. She changed me. She was the evil shadow that crept onto my heart and made me turn bad. I hated her. Her friends tried to stop me, but I pushed them away. I was stronger than I thought.
"Why aren't you getting up and fighting me?! Are you weak?! I'M JUST TEACHING YOU A LESSON! Right? Right? Isn't that what you did to me? What you tried to teach me?!" The friends finally pulled me away and stopped me. I looked at what I did to her. Her hair was messed up, her nose was bloody and she had scratches and bruises all around her.
I felt so alive. I wanted to do more. I wanted to see her begging for mercy.
One of the friends, who escaped, came running back with a policeman. I didn't care if I was still trying to kill her while he was watching. I still wanted her to die. The policeman gripped my hand and I started screaming. "Let! Me! Go!" I shouted. "Let me kill her! I hate her! She changed me! She ruined my life!"
The man whispered something to me, but I didn't hear above my screaming.He gave up and thentook out a cell phone and started dialing ashe put meinto a car. After some more yelling,I sat there in silence. I kept screeching in my head. Why did she torment me that day? Why didn't I ignore her? I was cursing myself and cursing her. I couldn't stand her. I couldn't stand me.
I was taken to a police station and into an empty room. It was so cold and bare and I felt so alone. Then a woman came in and sat on a chair across from me. The questions started coming. "Who are you?"
"Kim Carlisle."
She scribbled something on a piece of paper and without looking up, she said, "I'm Charlotte." Glancing up, she asked, "Why did you hit Ms. Marley Edwards?"
"I hate her." I said it like it was so simple to do, without any hesitation.
"And why is that? What did she do?"
"I remember her face and her eyes from when I was seven. I was playing alone in the playground and then she came along and started hitting me with her pals, telling me only nice guys finish last and I should toughen up...and because of her, I turned into something I never wanted to become. All...all because of her." I finished, and some tears starting plopping out.
"So, when you saw her, you wanted to hurt her? Bring pain to her?"
"I wanted to kill her." The words floated out of my mouth. "I wanted to make her realize that she did something wrong. Something that changed a person into a monster."
"Did something happen? Something bad before you saw her?"
"My boyfriend..." I hesitated. "I loved this boy, he's 14 and I'm 16, and because of my social status and my reputation and how I'm so afraid of being made fun of, I never told anyone. And I ditched him for my fake friends. Then he came and broke up with me. So I started crying and my so-called friends saw and thought I wasn't very cool, so they ditched me."
"Is being popular everything to you?"
"Being perfect is everything to me. To my parents. To everyone. I'm Kim, the one who's tough and popular and always making fun of people but..." Tears started gushing out even more. "I hate it. I hate myself."
"What about your parents?"
"I hate them. They think I'm such an angel, so calm and wonderful...but...if I had the choice, I'd kill everyone I hate and run away."
Charlotte paused and scribbled something down, and then looked up. She stared at me, and I stared at her. I didn't feel self-conscious or scared or anything. I felt good. I just told someone what I was feeling for the past years.
"Am I the first person to hear about this?"
"Pretty much, yeah."
"Aren't you feeling betrayed by your mouth?"
"I feel kind of happy I told someone actually. My mind is clear."
"Do you still want to kill Ms. Edwards?"
I stopped for a moment and thought about it. My anger was almost all gone. I didn't want to kill her anymore. I just wanted to tell her what she did to me was wrong. "No."
Her tense face relaxed, and said, "That's good." We sat in silence for a moment then she said, "I'll let you go, but you have to tell Ms. Edwards you are sorry."
So, off I went to the hospital and to room 285 to see the person I wanted to kill. It would have been horrible if I did kill her. Her parents would be running after me, telling me I'm horrible...it would be on my record for years, forever. I'd hate myself even more.
I opened the door after some failing tries and long deep breaths and looked at the girl in the bed. "Uh, Marley Edwards? I-I'm Kim." I said as I walked over to the bed, stumbling; my knees weak. Her face was scratched, and she looked as if she wasin hell, but nothing looked severe.
She stared at me. I was expecting her to scream at me,but then something shocking happened. Shestarted crying. "I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry I made you feel horrible that day, so many years ago! But my parents got a divorce and my friends wanted to bully someone and I was the leader so I just..."
Shocked, I stood there, amazed that the person who hurt me actually hurt herself. "I'm...I'm sorry I wanted to kill you." I started sobbing. We were a sad sight to see. I told her what happened to me and she told me what happened to her.
It's so weird that killers in the world feel remorse shortly after and if they had the chance to do it again, they would have changed it entirely. It's like Marley and me. If I had a second chance, I wouldn't take what she said seriously. And if she had a second chance she wouldn't have bullied me.
When I told her about Robbie, she said, "I know how you feel." Then she continued to tell me about the guy of her dreams but her friends didn't accept him so she had to turn him down. "He didn't even want to be friends with me after that," she whispered.
Diary, it's strange that she apologized and I did too. I thought she would start jumping out of her bed and start yelling and hitting me. And it's so odd that she was still in Roscoe. And that I saw her, at that moment. Was it fate?
How is it that enemies can become friends? We talked for hours and then she confessed, "I was jealous at that moment I saw you. You looked so happy. I wanted to take it away from you."
"That's exactly how I felt when I saw in the park today. I kept thinking, 'How can she be happy when she just ruined my life? Why and how?' Then this anger started bubbling up and I exploded." There was silence as I stared at her bruise on her cheek. "Sorry about that."
Laughing, she said, "I'm fine. Don't worry." Then she pointed at my heart and remarked, "Sorry about that."
"Thanks, I'm better now. I can't stay the way I am. I have to work harder, you know?" I told her, looking out the window. "I'm not weak."
"Tell me about it," she commented, touching her arm like she was in pain, laughing. I laughed with her.
When we stopped giggling, the nurse came in and told me I have to leave. As I got up, I said softly, "So, are we friends?"
"Sure Kim."
And suddenly, as I looked at her, the sun set in the background. And at that moment, I felt as I was truly alive. The rift was gone; she was the start of my shadow and the finish. Now I'm at the start of having her as my light.
I felt so light in the knees and everything felt so amazing. As I walked out of the hospital, I saw Robbie there talking with his friend Lily Randall. If this was yesterday, I would have walked away. But this was now. I raced over to him and jumped onto him, giving him a hug.
"I love you Robbie!" I shouted at the top of my lungs, "I love you! And I'm not ashamed! I'll never be ashamed of you again! I love you Robbie, and I'm not letting you go! I'll change for you. You'll see a new Kim."
Lily looked surprised, but she also looked like she knew we loved each other since the first day we fell in love. Robbie was more shocked then she was. "Do you mean that?" he questioned me.
I thought for a moment -- how Marley hurt me, how I became spoiled and a snob, how I fell in love, how I got dumped, how I got ditched by my friends, how I hurt Marley.
"Yes," I whispered. "I do."
Is this going to be a happy ending for me? Am I actually going to be someone that I accept? Or will I fall, fall down and never be able to get up?
I don't know any of those questions, but when I stood there in his arms, things that I always cared about -- my reputation, clothes, my taste of boys -- faded out.
I hope it stays that way.
Goodbye Diary, this is my last entry. I may not have the most interesting life, but knowing someone or something listened to me...it helped.
Forever yours,
Kim
---------
There. I'm done. Dear Diary is done. It was, in fact, an amazing thing to write. This story flowed out of my mouth, it was easy -- well, sort of -- to write. This chapter was hard to write though. I kept changing it; trying to make it flow more. In the beginning, it was just like, Kim attacked a girl and OHMIGOD, she's gone psycho. LOL, yeah...
Thanks to:
fictionlynchick
Erilina Silverstra
Ra-Power
Dangrassi
Sparklegirl Sassy
Reviewchick14
renisanz
luvsrobbie
n/a
rainbowishprincess
You were very kind and and even though I hardly updated, you kept reading. Thank you!
Allie
PS: Oh, fiddlesticks, is it really over? I'm going to miss Kim. But you'll see more of her in my new fic "Robbie Who?" coming out sooner or later!