Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Bam.
Top Seven Reason that Lucius Malfoy is Balding
'It is surely a dark day in Hell' Lucius Malfoy thought as he slipped into his hair salon, hopefully unnoticed. He was not there for his usual twenty-three and a half precise brush strokes, no, today Lucius Malfoy was going to do something he never thought possible. He was going to get hair plugs. (gasp)
It was Severus Snape who had pointed out his rapidly thinning hair at the last revel. To his merit, Severus had not laughed at Lucius, merely pointed out that as a member of the inner circle, he could hardly stand to have his impeccable good looks tarnished by a bald head. Though, he had added, it might help Lucius gain more favor from the Dark Lord as he could easily be promoted to Tom Riddle's personal mirror. It was this last comment that had prompted Lucius to hustle to the very place he was now, Madam Harriet's House of Hair, to purchase hair plugs. The blonde haired man had briefly considered buying a wig, but then reasoned he couldn't really rape, pillage, and plunder to his full extent if he had to be constantly sliding his wig back in place.
Madam Harriet had been, to Lucius great relief, very discrete about the whole business, except for the obvious question why this had happened. 'Why, Indeed' Lucius wondered as he sat in the plastic chair, 'Perhaps I should look into the matter'. The man started slightly as he had an ingenious idea. He would make a list!
Number Seven. It simply must be the shampoo!
Steam billowed out from under the bathroom door as Lucius Malfoy turned on the hot water for his early morning shower. Death Eaters must rise early, after all, there is much rampant mayhem to construe and that takes time. After depositing his favorite dressing gown in the hamper, he stepped into the shower. Cursing Narcissa, he rummaged through the various potions until he found the object of his search.
Lucius has found this very unique bottle one night after returning from a revel, it had attracted him with its strange light. Most sensible men would have known to leave this particular bottle alone, what with the strange glowing green light and all...but green always had been Lucius's favorite color. He had no clue as to the contents of the bottle, but seeing the photo of the smiling goat on the cover, he concluded it must be shampoo.
He poured a generous amount of the neon liquid onto his palm, enjoying the feeling of the grainy texture before rubbing it all over his scalp. It was in the midst of afore mentioned rubbing that he remembered today was Sunday, and Sunday meant waffles for breakfast. Lucius loved waffles.
The platinum haired man was in such a hurry to consume the grand waffle splendor, that he never noticed the clumps of hair flowing down the drain.
Number Six. Draco is in love with a House Elf.
Crash. Yet another precious antique vase flew across the room to meet its untimely demise at the base of the study wall. Lucius was enraged, his only son, his one heir to the Malfoy fortune had just announced his intentions to marry. Normally this would have been a joyous, momentous occasion, full of Brandy and Cheer, but not tonight, no, tonight had been full of anger, tears, and the occasional hiccup. If only Draco had followed Lucius's plan and married that Parkinson girl! Sure she was hideously ugly and dumb as a rock, but everyone can be beautiful with a little magic, what is the point of being a wizard if you can't enhance your wife's charms anyway? But no, Draco had to go and fall for that....that...Punchy, that, dare he say it? House Elf.
Now it couldn't be said that Lucius hadn't experimented with House Elves in his youth, but he never would have dreamed of marrying one! Honestly, what would society say? He needed a drink.
"Punchy! Get me a whiskey!" He screamed at the air.
"Yes, dad!" Punchy squeaked disappearing seconds before a vase crashed onto the floor where she had just been.
'Well I hope the Dark Lord doesn't have anything against Elves,' thought Lucius, not looking forward to being the butt of the next revel.
Number Five. The missing Anniversary present.
The summer sun was shinning nicely through the large windows in the living room. Altogether it would have been a very nice day for playing Muggle Hunter, but instead Lucius Malfoy was hunting a hamster. The hunt was proving very difficult, and Lucius was becoming angrier with every passing second. 'Of course Severus would want a live animal for his anniversary present!' Lucius snarled, now crawling on all fours peering under the sofa.
Severus and Lucius had been secretly together for two years...two years today, thus the reason this search was so important. Severus was arriving in exactly ten minutes for their private anniversary party. Lucius lunged across the floor and grappled with the gray rodent only to have it slip away and scurry under the Grandfather Clock in the corner.
There was a brisk knock at the front door which made Lucius jump up and straighten his dress robes. Severus walked in the room carrying a large bouquet of lovely looking lilies, and a box of what appeared to be a year supply of hydrating shampoo samples. Not wanting to appear empty handed, Lucius grabbed the nearest object off the end table behind him.
"Happy Anniversary Sevie, I bought you a ..." Lucius glanced at the object in his hand, "table lamp!"
Number Four. Too many damn Lemon Drops.
This was his tenth meeting this week with Dumbledore, and consequently, his forty-second lemon drop since Monday. Lucius hated Lemon Drops vehemently, in fact they made his insides squirm at the mere mention of them, but he graciously partook of them in the hopes that the Headmaster would see his politeness and take his offer seriously.
Personally Lucius thought that Hogwarts was the perfect place to hold The Folk Music Convention this year, but try as he may he simply could not seem to make Dumbledore see the light! Sure, Lucius Malfoy maybe the Dark Lord's biggest supporter, but that did not mean he didn't have a soft spot for Folk Music, and he just simply could not believe that not even Severus wouldn't support him on this issue.
'And to think I gave him my best table lamp!' Lucius though angrily.
"Fine Headmaster, but please think about it, and I will be 'round tomorrow to present the idea again." Lucius stated, standing.
Albus Dumbledore's eyes sparkled annoyingly, "I'm looking forward to it Lucius," He stated rising as well. "Would you like a lemon drop for your trip home?"
Number Three. Major Scheduling Problems.
Lucius Malfoy eased himself onto the sofa; even sitting was painful after that evening bout of Crucio the Dark Lord had plagued him with that evening. He cursed loudly as his rear-end came in contact with an air hockey puck, no doubt left there as a result of the bit-o-fun himself and Severus had enjoyed on the Hockey table that morning.
'Damn that Tom Riddle,' Lucius thought angrily, 'Leave it to him to ruin the one day of fun I hold dear!'
The Dark Lord was convinced that his followers, though loyal to him, were not quite as friendly with each other as he would like, and so he had announced that Thursdays would now be called "Bonding Days". Most of the other Death Eaters were happy about this, but Lucius was not. Thursdays had always been his and Severus's day to play Air Hockey, and now he was forced to spend the day with fools like that Pettigrew man.
Slowly, Lucius pulled out his pink day planner (a gift from Severus) and carefully marked off 'Air Hockey Tournament' and replaced it with 'Bonding Day'. Life was miserable.
Number Two. Loneliness.
The date was October 22, and it was Lucius's birthday, normally a momentous occasion with clowns, balloons, goats, and the works. But this year found Lucius Malfoy sitting alone on his bedroom floor a Air Hockey paddle in his hand. The unthinkable had happened, Severus had forgotten his birthday. Well not forgotten it exactly, it just didn't seem to matter to him any more.
'The dumb man,' Lucius thought sadly, drying his eyes, 'I gave him my heart and to think he was hetero all the time!'
Lucius reached into his pocket and took out Severus's letter and read it for the tenth time, he wrote:
Dear Mr. Malfoy,
Though we have long been involved, it is time to not be. I have met a fantastic blond woman who has a lot of things to offer that you don't including...big tracks of land.
Not yours any longer,
Severus S. Snape
PS- Happy Birthday.
Lucius was distraught; nothing could mend his soul, 'except maybe some nice fluffy waffles' He thought.
Lucius headed down toward his kitchen.
Number One. Harry Potter has gotten Contacts.
Nothing in Lucius Malfoy's life seemed to be going right, he was all out of his favorite shampoo, his son was marrying a House Elf in less than a month, his Air Hockey tournaments had been postponed indefinitely, Severus no longer loved him, all those Lemon Drops had given him three cavities, and to top it off the one constant in his life had changed. Lucius simply could not believe it, in a world spinning out of control, he thought that he could always count on 'The –Boy-Who-lived' to have those damned ugly glasses, but no longer.
He had been given contacts as a birthday present and now wore them every where he went. Poor Lucius had had enough, it was time to kill the person responsible for this madness. Lucius had to hunt down Remus Lupin.
Lucius gathered the best tracking equipment that money could buy, he bought a map, a wand, a guide, and even a boarhound. The platinum haired man set everything in a great heap in the entrance hall of his house, and was waiting for his taxi when he heard a voice from behind him.
"You do know it is a full moon, dad." Draco Malfoy drawled from the living room, the ever present Punchy next to him.
Lucius took out his new star chart and saw that, yes indeed his son was right. 'Well damn,' he thought, 'that was going to occupy my whole afternoon, what do I do now?'
"Say Draco," Lucius said turning to his son, "What do you say we mend some fences and play a bit of Air Hockey?"