It will get better, I promise. Bear with me!
Van Helsing decides that he should probably get some handy gadgets. Because that's what people do in these kinds of situations. I know I do. Van Helsing succeeds in irritating all of the various inventors in the "secret lab" and Carl finally rescues him from the hands of a Turkish nun.
"Why don't you ever learn?" asks Carl, shaking his head in amazement.
"Because I'm so dashing!" responds Van Helsing, charming hero grin firmly I place.
"Right. You might want some garlic, silver stakes, and a crucifix. I've heard these are somewhat useful when fighting the undead."
"Why don't I get any fun toys?" asks Van Helsing, pouting some more.
"Because, don't you remember what happened last time?"
Van Helsing ponders this for some time, and Carl rolls his eyes. We all know who the genius is here.
"Well, I suppose you could have this really cool super arrow shooter thing." Says Carl, with a sigh. He knows he won't get it back in any sort of working condition.
"Oh, and you get to come with me." Says VH, staring at his new toy with reverence.
Carl gasps involuntarily. That would be suicide. Van Helsing was not exactly the most successful of combatants. "What the fuck?" asks Carl.
"Carl, you're a monk, you're not supposed to curse!" says Van Helsing, hurt that Carl doesn't wish to accompany him on his daring quest.
"I'm a friar, I can curse all I want, you fuckhead. I don't want to go to Transylvania with you. You're incompetent!"
Van Helsing drags Carl along anyway, making him carry the equipment. Poor, poor Carl.
Prince Velkan is tied to a pole in the middle of a clearing, hair shining, eyes alert.
"Come on, Dracula unleashed you for a reason." He hisses in his phony Transylvanian accent.
Suddenly, out of no where, a sheep dog runs out of the trees, yipping and slobbering, looking for a treat. The "hidden" rescue team shrieks in fright, while Velkan rolls his eyes.
"All right, you can pull me up now... waiting...waiting..." but alas, everyone is too busy shrieking to notice his order.
Cut scene to his sister, Princess Anna, with an equally phony accent, in a manner which draws attention to her ass. Cue hero music here. Audience wonders how she has avoided being burned as a witch for all this time. Anna turns to camera, looking menacing, threatening the audience with her various weapons. She rushes to aid her brother, but a villager stops her.
"No! You won't stand a chance against such creatures! It's evil matted fur will attack you shining curly locks!"
"But my extremely hot gypsy brother is out there!" she exclaims breathlessly.
"I suppose, we really don't want such a hot gypsy prince to die. What would we do without his striking features?"
Anna courageously rushes the sheepdog, who whines at her. The trap is sprung, and the sheepdog is enclosed in ribbons. It begins snarling at the offending material, making the villager who is in charge of the trap tremble in fear. He drops the net of ribbon, just as Velkan drops his "special" gun. The Villagers begin showering the sheepdog with streamers. This has little to no affect. Velkan rolls his eyes again.
"Anna, get my gun! Mine!"
Anna unnecessarily pushes people out of her way, looking for the "special" gun.
"Use Velkan's gun! It is loaded with pretty silver bows!" she yells in her unnatural Transylvanian accent.
The sheepdog, enraged by talk of more bows, breaks free of the offending ribbons, and yips after Anna.
"RRRRRRUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!" she shrieks, leaving her brother swinging from a tree.
The race continues, but alas, our heroine reaches a cliff. She can go no further! Agh! The sheepdog approaches, sending fear into the maiden's heart. Suddenly, Velkan magically appears, and whistles. The dog sits back on his haunches, tail wagging, salivating at the thought of treats to come.
Anna kisses Velkan with great passion, much to the disgust of Velkan.
"Eww. Let's go home." He says, and they troop back to their castle/mansion thing, dog in tow, ready to be added to the collection.
Our brave and fearless hero (Carl) accompanied by Van Helsing is crossing an unidentified body of water. Hero music abounds. Van Helsing snivels,
"My hair is getting wet!"
Carl smirks to himself. He has a nice friar hood thing to keep of the rain.
They cross various picturesque locations, and find themselves magically in Transylvania. As they enter the Village, Carl decides this is an excellent time to ask some deep emotional questions.
"So, what do you remember?" he asks
Van Helsing ponders this for sometime, trying to remember anything. Finally he says, "Well...um...I think I remember greasing up my hair while singing and dancing..." shudders all the way.
"Dear God! I've never heard of such atrocities!" exclaims Carl.
"You asked. It's downright frightening." He says, shuddering a bit more for dramatic effect.
The Village People have gathered round, and greet their guests with their favorite song. Carl covers his ears in agony, while Van Helsing joins in. Over the noise, Carl shouts, "Why is it so important to kill this Dracula anyway?"
"Because he insulted my hair." Van Helsing yells back.
"Oh, well I'm glad that isn't a ridiculous reason for risking my life." Responds Carl, loosing all hope of survival.
"Of course it is! Well, I suppose you wouldn't understand, what with your 'less than perfect hair'" he taunts.
"BITCH!" yells Carl, enraged by this unwarranted attack of his tresses.
This progresses into a bitchfight, and Anna comes up behind them, attempting a sexy look. The Cher guy decides to join in on the fun.
"Welcome to Transylvania, land of song and dance!"
"Turn around." Anna commands.
They do so, and ponder...
A) How she can do anything in those heels
B) How she manages to breath with the corset on
C) How she has managed to avoid being burned as a witch thus far.
When Carl expresses this last thought, Anna draws her gun and hisses menacingly.
"Oh...that's how..." laughs Carl nervously, trying to maneuver himself behind Van Helsing.
Anna can no longer stand the noise. "STOP SINGING! I HATE THIS SONG! CAN'T YOU SING SOMETHING ORIGINAL FOR ONCE?"
Immediate silence follows, as the Village People are forced to admit to themselves that they have no original songs.
"We will now disarm you, cuz I think you're a fox." Anna says, matter of factly.
"Really? Me too!" exclaims Van Helsing. The two stare at each other in mutual admiration, mouths open at their shockingly similar thoughts.
Carl, growing tired of this says, "Um...Van Helsing...Wouldn't it be a bad thing to be disarmed?"
Van Helsing ponders this for a time. "You're right Carl."
"You refuse to obey our laws?" asks Anna, hissing again.
"Laws suck! Anarchy all the way!" yells van Helsing, fist raised in triumph.
"Riiight. Kill the Anarchists!" yells Anna.
"But, wait, I'm here to help you..."
"GOD?" asks Anna, wondering expression in place.
"No."
"Oh, well do you think I really need help from someone with such inferior tresses?" asks Anna, scathingly.
The Village People feel inclined to comment. "Oooooo...SNAP!" they yell, glad that their slang has come in handy.
"Wanna go, Bitch?" challenges Van Helsing.
"Bring it on, hair whore!" yells Anna.
Velkan has been watching the scene unfold from the castle/mansion thing. He sighs, and decides he should probably break up the bitchfight.
Suddenly, they are attacked by Vampires! Agh!
Velkan cracks his knuckles, and smoothes his hair. He knows what to do. He makes his presence known to the brides, and they immediately stop trying to gorge themselves on the Villages People's blood. Velkan manages to seduce them all at once. (Which is not that difficult, when you think about it) and they go off to their usual room for a foursome. Van Helsing, thinking that Velkan is being taken to his death, and not wanting to face the Bishop/cardinal's wrath, attempts to save him. He ends up shooting one of them with holy water. Velkan rolls his eyes. When do these foreign idiots ever learn? The remaining Brides of Dracula collapse in a blubbering mess again, finally flying away to their master.
The Village People cannot believe Van Helsing is so stupid. There are many shouts of "Kill the lousy fucker!" to which Van Helsing wonders if they have ever met the Bishop/Cardinal guy.
"But...you can't kill me! I'm just doing my job!" he protests.
Anna makes her way through the crowd. She is now seeing his hair in a whole new light. She gasps. "It is Van Helsing, of the shining locks!"
An "Ooooooooo..." travels around the croup of Village People.
"I want to have my filthy way with him before he is killed." She says.
There is some sighs and moaning at this announcement. Oh, well, more fun later.
One girl- We will just have to see about that!
Person who's name I can't remember because your review hasn't been posted yet- I 've checked out the "Village People" story, and it isn't anything like mine. No YMCA to speak of. Thanks!
MischiefHobbit- Thanks!
Kokoro Okami- I'm not all that good with slash, but you never know...I'm glad you like Dracula's hair. I do.