I'm working on making this better, though it helps when other people tell me what's wrong with it. So, let me know. What do you have to lose?
Dracula was walking on the ceiling. This didn't actually serve any purpose, but the filmmakers thought it would be fun...anyway, Dracula is becoming anxious. Will the heinous experiment work?
"Just Do it!" he says, voice cracking. He had always admired the Nike Corporation, with their child labor policy...they never settled for MunchLoompas.
Anna and Van Helsing are walking as cautiously as is possible through the castle. It isn't easy with Anna falling over every few seconds. Van Helsing clucks like a mother hen, but to no avail.
They come across rows and rows of cheap hair care products.
"What is all of this for?" asks Anna, bewildered.
"This is the secret! Cheap Hotel hair care products! It's so simple!" says Van Helsing in awe.
"If the secret to the perfect hair was cheap Hotel hair care products, we would have found this before now!" disagreed Anna. "It must be something else."
They then notice that each bottle is hooked up to a cord. An electrical cord at that.
"Well, he's obviously trying something here. I mean, three gorgeous women for four hundred years? They would have nagged him to hell and back by now about his hair." Says Van Helsing, in his brief, shining moment.
Velkan is deciding that he no longer likes this plan. Him being electrocuted was not what he had in mind.
"Agh! I'm being electrocuted!" he exclaims.
"Ah, you are ever observant, Velkan." Says Dracula, nodding and smiling.
As Velkan is struck by lightning once more, the electricity is finally enough. Electricity runs from one cord to another, bringing life to the cheap hotel hair products. Obviously, Red Bull has joined the mix. You can't simply ignore the invigorating essence of Red Bull.
Anna and Van Helsing shriek. The Red Bull has given the cheap Hotel hair care products wings! It is rather reminiscent of the flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz. Except not as furry. Van Helsing makes a grab for one. Anna hits his hand aside, and glares at him.
"Just one?" he pleads.
"No." Anna hisses. They have no idea the power it holds. It would be stupid to touch an unknown substance. Especially cheap hotel products.
The Cheap Hotel Hair Products, hereafter referred to as CHHP, fly off to wreak revenge upon The Village People.
The experiment has failed. The CHHP actually makes your hair look worse. Dracula is distraught, and throws his remaining two brides from the balcony of his lovely castle. They shriek like banshees for a bit, but they can fly, so that's all right.
"That's a bit disappointing. Well, if I can't have perfect hair, no one will!" pouts Dracula.
Van Helsing decides that now would be the opportune moment to shoot a few CHHP out of the air. This angers the Count. Doesn't Van Helsing know that Violence Hurts? So, Dracula launches himself off of the balcony, and hits the parachute button. It takes him several minutes to reach the ground. By this time, Anna has already run/tripped off to find her brother.
Van Helsing has been making sure that his gloves are in place. It would not do to let the Count see his sparkly black nail polish. Cher had run out of pink.
Finally, we have gotten to the good part. Carl.
Carl is perusing various books, looking for the information to save their asses while Anna and Van Helsing go out on their pleasure jaunt. Anna's ancestors appeared to be very self-centered. They hadn't written down anything terribly helpful. It was mostly just "Today I did this..." "Today I did that..." or in Horace's case "I got a new skirt with Frankenstein at DEB..." it was all useless to Carl. Blackmail was out, as all of these people were dead.
His musings are interrupted by a tapping at the window. It appeared to be a shampoo/conditioner in one from the holiday inn. As he peers out of the window, he notices the helpless Village People being assaulted by the CHHP. This cannot be tolerated. Carl throws on his batman t-shirt, and grabs one of the conveniently located sabers from the wall (this movie seems to be rampant with conveniently located weapons...go figure...) Carl to the rescue.
Dracula is looking for Van Helsing, who is apparently playing hide and seek.
"I can tell the character of a man by his heartbeat. Usually, when I approach, I can waltz to the rhythm. You are obviously rhythmically challenged. I can't dance to this pathetic pitter-patter! Learn how to keep a beat freak! Though I suppose you simply can't help it, what with your inferior tresses!"
Van Helsing lets out a gasp. This has given away his position.
"Keep up the electricity! Fry 'im!" instructs Igor.
The MunchLoompas, however, are too busy doing the hustle. The experiment was a complete and utter failure. Igor sighs, knowing he wouldn't be getting anything for at least a week.
As Dracula continues his search for Van Helsing, He is sneakily staked by the afore mentioned hair bandit.
Van Helsing feels that this is an excellent time to do the sign of the cross, though he uses his left hand. It doesn't go as smoothly as he had hoped, and he ends up punching himself.
"Ow! That hurt you idiot! Ith thith your thilver thtake?" lisps the Count.
"I'm sorry." Van Helsing apologizes.
Dracula shakes his head as he draws the steak out of his chest. "You always were an idiot, Gabriel." He says, sadly.
Van Helsing's eyes go wide. "Father?" he gasps.
"No."
Anna has run/tripped off to find her brother Velkan. She quite literally stumbles upon Dracula's workshop. Unlike Jolly old Saint Nicolas, however, this is not where he decides who has been naughty or nice. This is simply a really cool factory type game room. Dracula has spent many fun filled hours finding that, yes indeed; his hairpiece is a conductor of electricity.
Anna is trying to be sneaky, but she is not wearing stealthy shoes. She trips over some power cords. She is immediately spotted by the MunchLoompas. They run at her, trying to interest her in their new song and dance. Anna lets out a shriek of terror, and tries to run away. She must use great amounts of violence to accomplish this, much to the MunchLoompas' dismay. They would have thought that the "Violence Hurts" song would have been enough of a deterrent. They are sadly mistaken. As they chase her about, demanding hugs, she throws them off handy ledges, and stabs them with her saber. "No, no more intimacy! It's too much!" she yells, fending off their tokens of affection. She finally reaches her brother, who is tied up to an electrical devise.
"Do you ever wonder why you have no memories, Gabriel?" asks Dracula.
Van Helsing simply blinks a bit.
"Amnesia. It's one of the oldest tricks in the book. Instant plot! Used as a crutch by authors all over the world! You are simply a shallow undeveloped character! Take that!"
Van Helsing is deeply hurt by this accusation. He turns away to pout.
Anna rushes to her brother's side, and frantically tries to untie him.
"No, Anna, don't untie me! The Brides are coming for our S & M hour! Don't unstrap me!" he yells, desperate now.
Anna gasps at this betrayal. The Brides have decided to make an appearance.
"HISS" they hiss at Anna.
Anna becomes frightened, and runs away to the sound of minstrels.
Van Helsing remembers the crucifix that Carl gave him at the beginning of their journey. He decides that this would probably be a good time to try it out. He holds it directly in front of him, like a shield.
Dracula chuckles at it. Knocks it from his hands, and advances, heinous grin in place.
Suddenly, sounds of S & M reach their ears, and Van Helsing uses this distraction to make his escape.
Van Helsing runs with Anna. "Do you have a plan?" he asks, a bit anxious now.
Anna searches through Van Helsing's pockets, and finds a handy escape rope. She wraps an arm around Van Helsing, and takes both of their weights on her right arm. She must spend a lot of time at the gym. That isn't easy.
Van Helsing enjoys the view of the seemingly bottomless crevice. In a weird quirk of fate, the rope breaks, and they swing to the other side. This has never fully made sense to the author. According to my knowledge of geometry, they would hit the cliff wall, not land in the grass on the other side. But, then again, this is Hollywood. The rules of Geometry often do not apply here.
Carl steps out of the Mansion/Castle thingy. At the approaching CHHP, he merely shakes his head. He knows what he has to do.
He steps into the middle of the square, and strikes a dramatic pose. He shakes his mane of golden locks, and the CHHP stop in amazement. They drop a stunning young woman, and Carl catches her.
"How can I ever repay you?" asks the young maiden, breathlessly.
Carl considers this. He whispers in her ear.
"But, you can't do that...you're a monk!" she says in shock.
Carl shakes his head. "Actually, I'm a Friar, Doll face. We live by our own rules."
The young maiden is speechless at his eloquence.
Yes, Carl has indeed saved the day. Well, him and the batman shirt. We never were quite sure what made the CHHP pay attention...
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