I know I said I would update more often but…I'm a pathological liar. Sorry.
Igor grunts a bit.
"We don't have smarts." He says, grunting a bit more, stating the obvious.
Dracula rolls his eyes. He goes to the telephone- yes, he has a telephone- and dials.
"Hello? Who is this?" he asks, eyes narrowed, "Ah…Yes, me again…yes…I don't want to hear about it…I need to sign 'Homeboy Igor' up for 'Hooked on Phonics.' …It works very well with the brides…they are more subservient than ever…I owe it all to you…eww! Shut up! Honestly, that's just sickening…it's no wonder I get all the chicks. I'm going to hang up now…" and he does so. Dracula has been scarred for life. LIFE. Nothing like a chat with an old friend to strike fear into one's heart. Fear of what you might have been…shivers!
Dracula turns back to Igor.
"Everything is all right…soon, you will be hooked on Phonics! Muh hah hah!"
Igor grunts, and slouches off. Perhaps he needs more than phonics…finishing school is looking increasingly necessary.
&)(#($&#!&
"A silver stake?!?! A crucifix?!?! Idiot!" yells Anna, smacking Van Helsing upside the head, causing his hat to fall off. Van Helsing is greatly affronted by this grave insult.
"It would have been prudent to tell me such things, you hag!" he huffed.
Anna does not appreciate being called a hag. She works very hard to maintain her flawless appearance. It's no joke, really, wearing a corset and heals all day, every day. Not to mention those crazy diets…Needless to say, she was not particularly pleased with Van Helsing at this moment.
She beats him soundly.
Anna sighs, pleased with herself. The moment is ruined however, when Van Helsing manages to drag himself into an upright position, and eyes Anna's leather clad body with interest. She rolls her eyes.
"Don't give me that look…Carl has ruined me for all other men." She scoffed.
Van Helsing is saddened and betrayed by this news. Carl was supposed to be his friend!
Here we interrupt this chapter for a special message from Carl.
"I do not consider Van Helsing my friend. He's far too incompetent to be considered a friend of mine. Also, you should really review this story…"
Chiefhow gives him a glare.
"It's true!" insists Carl.
"Such self promotion is so tacky!" Chiefhow protests.
"Well, moving on…" interrupts Carl, trying to change the subject.
This ends the special message from Carl. We will now return to our usually scheduled chapter.
Anna is forced to admit that Van Helsing isn't a complete idiot. (Readers gasp…)
"You're right. He's not my brother anymore. Unrequited love sucks. I think I'll fuck you on the rebound." She announces, studying his rather bedraggled appearance.
Van Helsing could not be happier with this news. Apparently, it doesn't bother him that he is her second…wait no…third choice.
It was then, while Van Helsing was drooling, that Anna fist noticed the plethora of empty Absinthe bottles peppering the ground. They had reached the old abandoned brewery, so the sight of empty alcohol containers was not unusual. But their number was what caught her attention. Some one must have gotten seriously wasted… her alter ego made an appearance, and if you looked close enough, her hair was red tinted. Yes, Nancy Drew, teen sleuth was in the house. Or the brewery, whichever you prefer. Anna/Nancy bent to examine one of the empty bottles, hoping to find a clue that would inevitably lead to the capture of the heinous criminal. The problem with this, however, was that there was no actual crime involved. Just as Anna/Nancy was about to give up, the floor gave way instead. She and Van Helsing tumble through the hole, flailing. You see, it simply wouldn't be a book with out Nancy falling through the floorboards of some descript building or another…but wait, she has already been knocked unconscious, we might be able to scrape by without the floor boards bit…but too late. It can only boost the ratings.
Anyway, so they have hit the ground, and miraculously, neither of them has sustained any injuries. That's lucky, eh? Van Helsing's hat has made the journey with them, and he clings to it, as a toddler clings to his blanket. Anna makes a disgusted sound, and looks about, trying to figure out where they are, precisely.
She gingerly rises to her feet, and as this is a fictional tale, feels no pain. Satisfied, she begins her examination of their surroundings. There is a trial of empty absinthe bottles. Perhaps there is something amiss! That would be swell! Then Anna/Nancy would be able to solve the mystery and everyone would be in awe of her genius! It's just the chance she's been waiting for. So, she leaves Van Helsing to his hat and thumb, unwisely treading beyond the light (that for some reason is in the surrounding area. Even though they are underground, and it's nighttime anyway. Hmm…) and into the perilous shadows.
The monster of Frankenstein, hereafter known as Frankie, has had a very bad time of it. His electric has been canceled, his food supply depleted. He had no access to a shower, though with all of the electrical conductors in him, that might not be such a good idea anyway. He missed his father, Dr. Frankenstein. No one brought him warm milk before his nap any longer; no one told him that he really had a very pretty face. He now lived a life of boozing and tedium, every so often flipping through the useless scraps of paper that had come down with him. There was something about a valley, but he really couldn't make sense of the rest of it. Now, he had to face the harsh reality. The absinthe was gone. There would be no more wild evenings (by himself) no more hallucinations of green fairies, no more waking up in his own vomit. It was a terribly depressing thought, one that Frankie had wept over several times.
Suddenly, however, there was a noise to his right. There was an "oof" and then a bit of cursing, the figure seemed to have tripped. How odd. Frankie grabbed his cane, and poked the creature, not sure if it was a rather large salamander, or simply a demon. Wait…perhaps the absinthe had not run out after all! Perhaps all of this was a hallucination! That was it!
The occasion called for a bit of a celebration. Yes. It was time for…THE HUSTLE.
Anna looked on in horror as the "thing" began erratic and seemingly delusional movements…wait a tick…she had seen that dance before! It was…THE HUSTLE! Agh!
"AGH!" shrieked Anna, trying to run, but falling flat on her face.
The creature was distracted from his celebration. He hated when people interrupted his disco time! Why did these delusions always seem to come when they were unwelcome? He turned to it, prepared to command it to leave him to his discoing, when he stopped. It was a woman. A flesh and blood woman. He had never seen one of those! He ran to it, arms out stretched, beckoning the woman into his embrace. The woman simply screamed a bit more, her ridiculously heel shod feet kicking him. Frankie didn't like that. Why couldn't they just be friends?
Suddenly, a voice sounded behind him.
"Put her down, you Inferiorly-tressed individual."
Luthien Anawamane- It is quite random…but it keeps me amused…thanks for reviewing!
Random-Battlecry- As always, I was so happy to see your review! Indeed 'Long Live Carl!'