This is a bit short. I was really bored in court the other day, and decided that I was simply pining for some mindless Van Helsing chapters. They should come with a bit more regularity (though I am a pathological liar…so there we are.)
Van Helsing was trembling in his moon-boots. He generally preferred the "run and hide" method of attack, so this was a new experience for him. It didn't help that the fellow he had just challenged looked as though he ate small children for lunch. Or large rodents. Van Helsing often couldn't tell the difference. They both tended to run about in circles with buck teeth. They both made funny faces. Generally, such things didn't bother Van Helsing, but his acquaintance with the MunchLoompas had given him a new perspective on life. He was considering taking classes at the "Ye Olde Communitee Colligeee" (note the excessive use of "e" 's) to work on his degree in botany. He had always been fond of tulips. As he daydreamed of frolicking/tiptoeing through a carpet of tulips, a cough interrupted his fantasies. He gave an irritated snort, and focused his eyes on the pair in front of him.
Anna was currently grasped in a giant bear hug. That wasn't so weird. This was Anna we're talking about. It was the bear that was the issue. Now, bears are traditionally seen as either pyromaniacs or the frightening creatures of nightmares. Some would call both of these examples the same. As evidence of their differences, I offer you:
A) Smokey the Bear and
B) "Baby" bear (of Goldilocks fame) He was frightening. I tell ya' if I had been in Goldilocks's shoes (or moon-boots) I certainly would have been shaking in them. I mean, come on, she trashed his custom made chair. It was "just right" Not to mention the whole "B&E" thing and getting his sheets dirty with her undoubtedly dirty shoes. I would have been okay with the porridge part though. Ew. So, anyway, as I was saying, you cannot judge a bear by his appearance. Smokey the Bear actually seems cute and cuddly from his exterior. Maybe it's his hat. What they don't know is that he has a rather disturbing hobby. He enjoys setting fire to various swine's houses, in the guise of a so-called "Big Bad Wolf" But the subject of the misrepresentation of wolves in myth, legend, and folktale is a subject for another time. Their lawyers will be in touch. I digress. Anyway, compare the pyromaniac Smokey the Bear to the frightening and feisty "Baby" Bear. You get all kinds.
The bear I am referring to was not either of these unstable individuals. In fact, he wasn't even a real bear. The author simply wished to ridicule the term "bear hug" and the reader can probably skip the last paragraph. Moving on, the "bear" grasping Anna was apparently quite conscious of his appearance. Now that he had shifted, Van Helsing was able to see more of him in the light. Van Helsing inspected the creature from head to toe. Or toe to head, no one is quite sure which. It was wearing large platform boots, a horizontally striped jumpsuit, and had some of the most attractive tresses Van Helsing had ever seen. Magenta was the sporting hue of the apparel, locks, and cosmetics. He was beautiful in a hideous sort of way. He obviously took after his father in everything but the hair department. Van Helsing was entranced by those magnificent magenta tinted tresses, and hopped up and down, trying to get a better view. The fashion plate blinked at him. At this rapid movement, Van Helsing dropped to the ground in reverence.
Anna and the demigod stared at each other in confusion.
"Um…hello? Van Helsing, you asshole, I could use some help!" screeched Anna, still clutched in the creatures embrace.
Van Helsing raised his head a bit. "But, Anna, can't you see I'm busy? He could very well be the thing we are searching for. Perhaps he could tell me what shampoo he uses." Mused Van Helsing aloud, very nearly foaming at the mouth.
"Dude- You have something to say to me, say it. You have some absinthe for me, give it here. I need it…need it. But, no I could stop at any time…" the fashionista babbled.
Anna knew what the problem was now. Several of her relatives had had a love of hard liquor as well. "The first step is admitting you have a problem." Anna advised sagely.
"What?" the creature blinked at her.
Anna patted his shoulder consolingly. "It's all right. You aren't the only one."
Van Helsing burst out laughing. It was wussy laughter, and Anna was sure to inform him of the fact.
"You laugh like a wuss." She commented dryly.
Frankie is now thoroughly confused. In his confusion, he drops Anna smartly on her ass. This just makes Van Helsing laugh harder. Anna's eyes narrow, and she hisses. Van Helsing has the intelligence to stop laughing. Anna decides it's time to get down to business.
"Can we talk, buddy?" she asks.
"Buddy?" he asks, bewildered.
Anna raises an eyebrow. "Buddy, pal, amigo, dawg, homeboy…you know what I'm saying, foo?" she asks.
At the mention of the "dawg" comprehension dawns on Frankie's face. "Ah, yes. Well, I suppose that makes you my bitch, eh?" asks Frankie.
"One would assume that." Agreed Anna.
They did a complicated handshake that had Van Helsing's head spinning, and went to the corner for some "homebrew" Van Helsing followed; a bit dejected that Anna had never been his bitch. He sulked for a bit, but then decided that he should probably be monitoring their conversation.
"…And then they made me their chief…" Frankie was saying.
"That's fascinating Frankie. But we should really go to that A.A. meeting. It'll make you feel better. Besides, you'll be the best dressed there!" Anna urged.
"Anna…" Frankie whined, " I don't have a problem! I'm fine! I'm normal!" he exclaimed. Then he looked down. "Okay, so I'm special. That doesn't mean I have issues."
Anna just stared at him a bit more. Frankie couldn't stand it any longer. All the angst, sobs, and tears burst out of his enormous body in waves. Van Helsing looked on in horror, while Anna tried to make soothing sounds. It actually sounded more like clucking, though Van Helsing wisely decided not to tell her that.
"MY MOTHER DIDN'T LOVE ME!" Frankie sobbed. "MY DADDY WAS KILLED IN AN UNFORTUNATE INCIDENT! THE GREEN FAIRY NO LONGER DANCES FOR ME! THIS IS THE END! I CAN SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL…IS THAT HORACE?" he asked, babbling now.
Anna gave his cheeks a few quick slaps. Far from shutting the giant up, it only intensified his wails. "THEY WOULDN'T LET ME INTO MARSHALL FIELDS THE OTHER DAY, AND I MISSED THAT BITCHIN' SALE! THERE WAS A THONG I WAS QUITE FOND OF, BUT, NO…CAN'T HAVE UNNATURAL WALKING DEAD CREATURES SCARING OFF THE CUSTOMERS!"
"Frankie…I'll take you next time. You can buy all the thongs you want." Anna assured him.
"YOU MEAN IT?" he asked.
"Yes. But first, we're going to the A.A. meeting." Anna informed him.
Resigned, Frankie nodded.
As was usual, Van Helsing was confused. He tilted his head, trying to appear pensive. Anna noticed and whispered in his ear, "I'll take him, and you can search his place for the hair secrets. If you cut me out of this one, I'll cut off your balls. If you have any." She assured him.
Feeling slightly ill, Van Helsing agreed. He watched as Frankie and Anna hobbled out of the room (if that is the correct word for "hovel") it appeared they both had terrible choice in footwear. They bitched to each other all the way to the A.A. meeting. It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Van Helsing looked about the hair god's domicile. It was rather pathetic, though he knew that treasure resided here, appearances aside. He was beginning to feel sharp stabs of regret, however. It had really tugged at the heartstrings, that Frankie hadn't been able to get his beloved thong. Van Helsing didn't want to leave him so heartbroken again, and stealing his hair care products would do that. Oh, well. The Cardinal dude had told him the Golden Rule was complete bull anyway. With that dismissive thought in his mind, Van Helsing rolled up his sleeves, and prepared himself for the tasks ahead.
I know, it was short, but I felt like posting. Next chapter, we'll have the A.A. meeting, and hopefully more Carl! Thanks to all my lovely reviewers! You should really review. Think of me bored out of my mind in some godforsaken courtroom…you'd want yummy reviews too!
LadyValerious- Okay. You got it babe.
Knnyphph- I'm glad you're enjoying it!
Whitney- Haven't I already thanked you (joke! Joke!)
Random-Battlecry- as if anyone who hasn't seen the three amigos actually knows that word! I loved "el guapo!"
Kokoro Okami- Indeed. They really should have made my version. Its so much more perverse.