Title – If Heaven

Author name – Carol

Rating – G

Spoilers – None

Disclaimer – Don't own a house. Don't own a pair of leather pants. Don't own JAG. Don't own an ab roller. Look there's a lot I don't own, can't I just have JAG in place of the leather pants. …No, how about Harm in a pair of leather pants?

Summary – Wondering about heaven.

Authors Note's –

1. Borrowing 'If Heaven' sung by Andy Griggs.

2. Special thanks for Michi and her beta-ing wonders. You're better then the MSOA Kitty. Really, girl, you rock. And thanks for being my rock in the past year. Here's to a better year.

3. More at the end.

4. Kleenex warning….trust me I've gone through three and I haven't spelled checked yet.

Colonel Mathew O'Hara stared out the window of his room. He was tired and wanted to go home, to the home where he had never been to before. His eyes were lost in the twilight sky when the door opened.

"Uncle Matt?" A soft voice called for his attention.

Matt turned his head and smiled at his niece. "Sarah."

Mac gave him a soft smile as she moved to him. She gave him a kiss and sat down in the chair next to his bed. "How are you today?"

"Tired, Sarah. Tired," Matt told her as he turned his eyes back to the window and the coming night lights. "I love twilight. It's the best time of the day."

Mac turned her attention from him and to the window. They remained quiet for a few minutes and just enjoyed the sky.

Matt finally broke the silence. "Growing up I loved twilight. Your mother and I would try to catch the fireflies. We would compete on who could catch the most. I won a lot of the time. We would put them in jars after we caught them. But when Mamma would call us for dinner we would release them into the sky and stand there and watch them fly away. Deanne would jump up and down, trying to help them fly away." Matt chuckled. "Then we would wave goodbye to them and tell them to come back tomorrow, just so we could catch them again. Once we got into the house Daddy would be there, reading the paper at the table as Mamma set dinner down. Tuesday's were the best. We would have meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Matt paused and remembered his mother's cooking. She may have been from the Middle East, but she made the best food. His grandmother taught her how to cook and she loved to be in the kitchen cooking for her family.

"After dinner we would sit in the living room listening to the radio or Daddy would read to us. It was perfect," Matt told Mac as the night sky turned darker.

If heaven was an hour, it would be twilight
When the fireflies start their dancing on the lawn
And suppers on the stove and mammas laughing
And everybody's working day is done


"Sarah, do you remember when you were drying out?"

Mac hung her head in shame of the memory of those horrible days. "Yeah, it was 1985." She lifted her head and looked at her uncle. "Feels like a lifetime ago."

"You've come a long way since those days as a lost kid."

"I'm only here because of you."

Matt took her hand into his. "No, you're here because of someone a lot stronger than you and me."

If heaven was a town it would be my town
On a summer day in 1985
And everything I wanted was out there waiting
And everyone I loved was still alive

A tear rolled down Mac's cheek. Matt lifted his hand and wiped her tear away. "Don't cry, baby. We know this day is coming and I need to leave."

Mac sniffled back another tear. "I know."

"I ain't afraid to die. I've seen too many bad things in this life and I know heaven is just like coming home. And I think that's what it is going to be like. Going home."

Don't cry a tear for me now baby
There comes a time we must all say goodbye
And if that's what heavens made of
You know I ain't afraid to die


"I loved Mamma's cherry pies. She would make them on Tuesday's for dessert. Deanne and I knew if we were good at school at day Mamma would give us a taste of the leftover filling once we got home. She always had extra and it tasted so good. Almost better than once it was in the pie."

Matt paused and took a few slow breaths. Mac listened to his breath and to the beeping of the heart monitor.

"The tart taste was sweet in its own way. The filling and the cherries heavy on your tongue. After dinner that was the perfect end to the meal. Mamma and Daddy would have coffee as Deanne and I had our pie with milk." Matt chuckled as he remembered another memory. "I would sneak down into the kitchen after everyone was in bed. I would steal a taste of the leftover pie on the counter. Just one bite was enough to satisfy my hunger."

If heaven was a pie it would be cherry
Cool and sweet and heavy on your tongue
And just one bite would satisfy your hunger
And there'd always be enough for everyone

"I like trains, Sarah," Matt told her. "Helicopters may be nice, but they're not a train. Fast and heavy on the ground, taking people to where they need to go in style."

Matt closed his eyes and Mac watched him. He was the strongest man she ever knew and here he was, slipping away from her. The end was near and she didn't know how much longer he would be here with her. She had so much to tell him and couldn't find the words. Would he ever know how much he means to her? How she could tell him she doesn't want him to die?

The more she thought about losing him the worse she felt. He wanted to leave and she wanted him to stay. It wasn't fair for him to leave her. It wasn't fair for him to leave the world.

Matt opened his eyes. He was more tired than before. He looked at his Sarah. His niece, who was so small when she was born, was now sitting next to him. She spent too much of her life in saddens and was finally having her chance at happiness. Motherhood had done wonders for her. Being married to the man of her dreams had brought her into the woman she was now. Matt always laughed to himself about remembering the look on Harm's face when he realized that Mac had a gun to his back. It was the first time he'd met the man who was now her husband and the father of their two sons. He glanced at Mac's extended stomach, hoping his one was a girl. A little angel like his Sarah.

His breathing slowed a bit more. "I'm going to miss you, Sarah. You and the boys. Harm's a damn lucky man to have you."

Mac leaned over and placed her head on Matt's chest above his heart. Matt moved his tired and weak arms to hold her against him. To hold her one last time. A tear fell from his eye and down his cheek. It was time.

If heaven was a train it sure would be a fast one
That could take this weary traveler round the bend
And if heaven was a tear it'd be my last one
And you'd be in my arms again


"Heaven's going to be all of the good things in my life, Sarah. Don't cry. I ain't afraid," Matt slowly whispered to his niece as she sobbed in his arms.

His arms went weak around her and his breathing slowed even more. Mac lifted herself off of his chest and held his hands as he looked at her. His last vision was of her as his heart filled with a love he never felt before.

"Heaven's going to be nice." He paused. With one last breath he said the most important words in his life. "I love you, Sarah."

His last breath left his lips and slowly his heart stopped beating. Mac stared at him and felt as his soul left his body and entered heaven. A place with twilight, fireflies, cherry pie, fast trains, and holding those people you love.

Don't cry a tear for me now baby
There comes a time we must all say goodbye
And if that's what heaven's made of
You know I ain't afraid to die

Mac leaned down and kissed his cheek. Her tears fell onto his face. "I love you, Uncle Matt."

THE END

Hey All-

The New Year is a time to start over. A fresh start for everyone to change the things in their life. It's also a time to think back to those loved ones who left us in the past. A time to remember them and recall how they influenced our lives. It is also the time to remember how much we love them and miss them.

I heard this song as I drove down to South Carolina to spend New Years with my boyfriend. I was lucky enough to hear it twice and very glad that I had a box of Kleenex in my car as I cried. This song hit me for one reason. Cherry pie.

About 7 years ago I had my best Christmas of my life. I spent it in Ohio with my grandparents and my extended family. I was living with my Grandparents at the time. Well, it was Christmas morning and the three of us had trouble sleeping, so we sat in the kitchen and drank coffee. We also decided to make some pies since the whole family was coming over to Christmas dinner and gifts in the afternoon. The three of us started cooking.

Grandma got out the dough and Grandpa worked on cutting the apples as I got everything else out. We made apple and pumpkin pies. While I stood looking into the shelves where the can-goods were kept I saw a can of cherry filling. I asked if we could make a cherry pie. Something a little different and Grandpa agreed. Grandma gave me a pie crust and we made a cherry pie, of course once the pie crust was filled there was a little more filling left in the can and Grandpa told me to put the rest in the pie. So I did.

As the pie cooked the filling overflowed the pie curst and into the pan we put under the pie pan. When we took the pie out of the oven it was a little too dark and the pan under the pie was filled with burnt cherry pie filling. Grandpa put the pie outside to cool off. We forgot about the pie until dessert time. Everyone ate the pie and enjoyed it. So since that day cherry pie has had a special place in my heart.

It was nice to have this memory as I drove. When New Years came I was happy to see 2004 come to an end. As my boyfriend held me at the stoke of midnight I said goodbye to a year that took a lot from me. It took too much, but gave me something that I never expected. It gave me the strength to say goodbye and I love you to my grandparents as I knew they both stood in heaven and watched me welcome a new year and a new life.

I hope you and your loved ones have a great 2005 and may some or all of your dreams come true.

Smile and hugs-

-Carol