Chapter Three - Anymore
Two weeks had passed since Nathan's visit and nothing had changed. Nathan was still calling Haley every night. He was still telling Haley everything that she wanted to hear, but he was also still living with his girlfriend. Though she no longer talked to Peyton, the girl had at one time been Brooke's closest friend. Brooke felt like strangling him. It wasn't that she didn't like Nathan, because she did. He was a good guy, but what he was doing to Haley, and even Peyton, wasn't right.
She had noticed a change in Haley over the last week. Though she was still happy to hear from Nathan, it was becoming painful as well. Brooke had a feeling that Haley was starting to realize what she had told her from the beginning. Nathan wasn't going to leave Peyton. Brooke would hear her laughing while on the phone with him, but as soon as they hung up, she was moping around the apartment. She'd tried everything to make Haley forget about him for even a second, but nothing was working. Nathan was killing her friend and if he couldn't see it, then was going to show him.
After a lot of persuasion, Brooke had managed to send Haley to the store to pick up a few things she had conjured up on a list, saying she had a headache and couldn't drive. Truth was, she just needed Haley gone long enough to talk to Nathan, who was due any minute now. As if reading her mind, there was a knock on the door.
"Hey," he said casually when she opened the door. "Is Haley here?"
"She'll be back in a bit. Come in."
"Thanks." There was a short silence, but Brooke quickly got to the point.
"Sit. You and I need to talk."
"Okay." He did as instructed. He and Brooke had never been close. They'd run in the same crowd, but had a different net of close friends. She and Peyton had been close while they'd dated in high school, but usually when he was around; Brooke was off with her boy toy of the minute. "So what did you want to talk about?"
"Don't play coy with me, Nathan. You know exactly what I want to talk to you about."
He sighed. "Haley."
"Yes. What the hell are you doing with her?"
"You're not going to understand, Brooke."
"No, I'm probably not. I don't understand how you can claim to care for her and tell her all the things you do and then just let her here alone. You know how much you mean to her and for you to take advantage of that makes…"
"I'm not taking advantage of her."
"The hell you're not. Just because you're not sleeping with her, doesn't mean you're not taking advantage of her. I don't know what is going on in that head of yours, but you need to figure it out. Because I am not going to let you do this to her."
"I'm not doing anything to her."
"And that's the problem. You take and you take, but you don't give her anything back. I don't know what you want from her, but you can't have it if you're not willing to give her something back. She deserves better than that."
"I know she does."
"Then why are you doing this?"
"I'm trying to figure things out. It's not simple, okay. I care about her, Brooke. She makes me feel more alive than I have in a really long time, but then there's Peyton."
"Yeah. There's Peyton. There's always been Peyton, Nathan. The two of you have been together for as long as I can remember. You've put up with a lot of crap from her, some of it that you probably don't even know about, but you don't care. You stay anyway. So, why should I think that now is going to be any different? Are you really going to walk away from her? Are you going to leave all of that behind? That's what Haley wants from you. That's what she keeps telling herself is going to happen. And I just don't see you doing it. I can't see you letting Peyton go and if you're not, then you need to end this with Haley because she deserves better, even if she doesn't think so."
"I know, but I've been thinking that maybe Peyton and I are in the past."
"Whatever you've been thinking, you better figure it out soon. I'm not going to let you hurt her, Nathan."
"That's not what I'm trying to do."
"I know, but it doesn't really matter because you already are, Nathan. I can't imagine what it's like to be you and as confused and conflicted as you may be, you have to make a decision. You can't let things continue how they are now. It's not right. I have to meet Jake for dinner now, but think about what I said."
The moment Brooke closed the door Nathan slumped into the couch. She has always been direct. It seemed time hadn't changed that about her. The truth was that he had thought about everything she said. It had been eating at him for weeks, but he didn't know what to do. He'd enjoyed seeing and talking to Haley more so than he had with anyone else for a long time. She had only grown more beautiful in the years that had passed between them. She still had such an amazing heart and such innocence. She didn't see the world the way that Peyton did. She always found the best in everything, including him. He didn't know that he was hurting her, though. He thought they were okay. He thought she understood. But maybe he hadn't been showing her the whole picture. He closed his eyes and tried to relax before she got back. Not five minutes passed before she came walking through the door.
"Hey. You're here."
"Yeah."
She sat the bags she had carried in by the TV and went to him. "Are you okay?" She asked immediately. "You look a bit out of it."
"No. I'm fine. It was a long drive, that's all."
"Oh. Okay. Is Brooke in her room? I have some things for her."
"No. She said she was meeting Jake for dinner."
"What? She just told me she had a headache and couldn't drive. She made me go to the store for her."
"I guess it went away."
"Are you sure you're okay, Nathan? Do you want a drink or something? Are you hungry? I can make you something." She moved to get up, but he grabbed her hand.
"I'm okay, Haley." He said quietly. "I had a long drive and," he paused briefly, "I missed you. I just want you to sit with me." Haley obliged to his request and snuggled into his embrace. She could hear his heart beat and feel his chest rise and fall with each breath. It was comforting and constant and it set her at ease for a while. As much as she loved Nathan, being with him was starting to hurt. It hurt because she knew he was going to leave. Every time she hung up the phone with him, she was reminded that there was someone else he was spending all of his days with. Every time she was awakened in the middle of the night, she couldn't help but think about the reason he was calling so late. She was beginning to accept the fact that maybe the fantasy of being with him was all she was ever meant to have. She was starting to wish that she had never seen him again. "What are you thinking?" He ran his fingers through her hair and looked down at her.
Her voice was barely a whisper. "Nothing."
"I know that's not true. You're always thinking something." She moved to face him, but before she could say anything, his phone rang. He looked at the number and then back at Haley, guilt written all over his face.
"I think you should get that." Her voice had come out colder than she had planned, but she didn't care as she got up and walked to her room.
Nathan could see now what Brooke had been talking about. He had noticed it as soon as she walked through the door. She was different. She was sad. And if he hadn't of noticed before, then her reaction to Peyton's call would have clued him in. He was hurting her.
A few minutes passed after his call with Peyton before he walked down the hall to Haley's room. He gently pushed the door open and found her sitting on her bed with her legs curled underneath her. Her eyes were off somewhere he couldn't identify and silent tears rolled down her face. Watching her made him ache. "Haley," he began gently.
"I think you should go." Her voice was distant.
"Haley, you don't mean that. I know this is complicated and that it's not exactly the best situation, but I know you don't really want me to go."
She turned to him now. "Complicated. Not the best situation. Nathan, those words don't come close to describing what this is like for me. And it doesn't really matter what I want because I'm not going to get it."
"What is it exactly that you want, Haley? This whole time we've talked about what I wanted, but you've never told me what you wanted."
"That's because I don't have to. You already know."
"Tell me."
"Why are you doing this, Nathan? Why are you making this harder?"
"Because I need to hear you say it. I need to know what you're feeling. I can't guess anymore. If I'm going to figure any of this out, I need you to be completely honest with me."
"Fine. You want me to be honest, I will." Her voice was louder now. "I want to spend every day with you. I want to see your face as soon as I wake up every morning. I want to feel your arms around me every night when I go to sleep. I don't want to have to worry about if I'll see you again. I don't want to think about what you're doing with your girlfriend while I'm sitting by myself trying to forget you. I want don't want to share you with anyone. I don't want to pretend like I'm the most important person to you. I want to actually be that person. I want to mean everything to you that you mean to me. I want to stop pretending that everything is okay. I want everything to actually be okay. To put it simply, I want you, Nathan. Every single atom of your body and part of your soul, I want it to belong to me and only me." Haley furiously wiped the tears from her eyes and took a deep breath before continuing. "I used to think that as long as I had a part of you, I would be okay. But I won't. I've gotten too far into this. I've fallen too far into you now. I love you, Nathan and because of that, you have to leave. You have to stop calling and you have to stop seeing me because I can't take it anymore. It's killing me to love you and not be able to have you."
"Then why send me away? How is that going to make it any better?"
"Because if I don't see you, then maybe I'll forget you."
"But I don't want you to forget me."
"You wanted to know what I want and that's it. If I can't have you, then I want to forget you. So, if you care about me at all, you'll turn around and walk away right now." He stood motionless. Her voice was soft and full of pain when she spoke next. "Nathan, please." He had never heard her say his name that way before. It was dripping with heartache. His eyes locked on hers once more before he turned and walked away. He didn't want to, but it was all he was capable of giving her now.