DISCLAIMER – You know the drill. The usual – I own nothing.

A/N – This is quite a dark chapter, and I don't actually think it even fits in; it's about Ryan having a memory, which he can compare to what is happening with Theresa and Chrissie. And there's stuff about Marissa too, just so I didn't forget about her. Obviously, he is quite upset about it. Tell me if anything makes any sense with the story!

--------------------

Ryan had hardly slept all night. He had lay on the lumpy bed, which he had never really found uncomfortable, but last night ever lump dug into his back like a pair of steely talons. The conversation he had had with Chrissie kept rebounding in his head...And in the blank patches in between, he saw parts of his childhood, parts that he never wanted to visit again. Thin slits of moonlight shone through the cracks in the blinds, dancing around the bed and the room and the wind blew, transforming harmless rays of moonlight into evil characters from his subconscious, pointing, laughing and taunting him. He squeezed his eyes shut, but he could still see them from behind his eyelids, burning through his skin like white-hot fire. He tried to block out everything, the voices, the moonlight, the people...It didn't work. But eventually, he fell asleep.

--------------------

"Mum? Mum? Mum!" Ten-year-old Ryan Atwood shook his mother's shoulder as she lay on the still unmade bed, her arm dropping over the side and a half empty bottle of scotch on the bedside table. Her eyes were glued shut and her mouth was wide open. She breathed in and out, loud and heavily, and Ryan could spell the foul stench of alcohol seeping from her breath and onto his nose. But he didn't care. She was still conscious.

"Mum." He said softly. "Wake up mum, please...please, mum..."

At the last 'mum' he uttered, Dawn's eyelids opened slightly. "Ry..." she groaned.

"Mum!" he exclaimed. "Are you OK?"

"I'm fine Ry," she lied, looking at him through her heavy eyes.

"Mum..." he whispered again, and Dawn saw his small, terrified face, and finally realised how much all of this must scare her young son.

"Oh, here sweetie," she said thickly, and held out her arms. Her son gratefully accepted the hug, wrapping his arms around his mother and spreading his warmth throughout her cold body.

"I'm scared mum..." he admitted softly, and tears started to fill his eyes. Dawn pulled away and put her hands on Ryan's shoulders. She saw the tear start to run down his cheek and she gently wiped it away.

"Me to Ryan." She said. "I'm sorry I scared you. All of this...everything, it's going to stop, OK?"

Ryan looked at her behind his moist eyes. "Really?" he asked timidly. "Promise?"

"Promise," she said, and pulled him into a hug. She loved the feel of his young, warm body against her. She loved that he loved her, even like this. "It'll never happen again. I promise." She stroked his thick, sandy hair. "You're so special to me Ry. You're my little angel."

For that moment, Ryan believed every word Dawn said. He thought that when she said it would stop, she meant it. She promised him.

------------------

"Mum!" screamed Ryan, pounding that bathroom door. "Mum! What's wrong? Please, mum, come out!" He tired the doorknob one more time, but it wouldn't move. "Trey!" he yelled, calling for his older brother. "Trey!"

"What?!" asked Trey angrily, coming out of his room, headphones still in his ears.

"Mum's in there!" Ryan yelled as Trey removed his headphones. "She won't come out, she won't answer. Something's wrong..."

"Dawn?" Trey knocked on the door. Ryan noticed that his brother never called his mother 'Mum' anymore. "Dawn? Dawn! Open the door..."

"She can't hear you..." whispered Ryan.

"DAWN!" Yelled Trey, pounding the door. "OK, move Ryan." He instructed his little brother and Ryan obediently moved out of the way and Trey started to slam himself against the bathroom door. The door hadn't been in such a strong condition in the first place, and Trey eventually managed to swing in open, half of it's hinges. That door never got fixed.

Inside the bathroom, Ryan saw his mother, slumped in a ball on the tiles. A large, empty Vodka bottle was smashed on the floor, small pieces of glass scattered everywhere. Ryan ran inside and slid onto the floor on his knees, ignoring the shooting pain as the glass cut through his skin. He leaned over his mum, looked into her face. It was pale and he could feel how cold she was. It sent freezing shivers over his body. For that split second that he knelt over his mum's lifeless body, her face pale and her red lips, the only remaining colour to her face, slightly parted, he thought the worst. But he couldn't cry. He wanted too. But somehow he couldn't.

"Mum!" he yelled, shaking her. She didn't wake up, and he shook her more violently.

A small moan escaped her lips. She was still alive.

That was when the tears returned to Ryan's eyes. She had broken her promise. He had gone an believed her. He wanted to hit himself. How could he be so stupid? So fucking STUPID?! Why would he ever believe her?

"Mum..." he whispered as she opened her eyes. A tear dropped down the rim of her nose and onto her cold face. She shivered.

"Ry..." she said.

"Don't call me Ry." He said coldly.

"I'm sorry..." she tried.

"Sorry? Sorry's not good enough this time mum! You promised! You promised me!"

"Ry..."

"Why did I believe you? It was just a lie. It's always a lie! I should know that by now." He stood up, trying his best to ignore his mum's beseeching eyes as he walked away.

"Ryan, please. I'm sorry, I promise..." pleaded Dawn, her voice slurred.

"DON'T..." he said coldly, spinning around to face her. As Dawn saw her son's face, she gasped. Only a few days ago, he had been a little boy, he had been her little boy. He had been scared for her, he had cried for her. He wasn't the same boy anymore. His face was cold; his face was hard, as he tried not to let the emotions spill over his surface. But his eyes cried, his eyes streamed tears of blood, this time, they weren't for her, they were because of her. All because of her. "Don't you DARE promise me ANYTHING. It's all lies. All of it."

Those were his last words before he ran out of the house and onto the street. The tears streamed down his face now that no one could see him. He hated her. He HATED her. But most of all, he hated himself. For being such an idiot. For believing her, believing that she could really keep her promise. Thinking that the glimmer of hope he saw in his dull life would stay there. The glimmer was a knife, it cut through his skin and let his heart bleed.

That was the worst day of Ryan Atwood's life.

That was the day that he learnt you could never trust anyone to keep a promise.

------------------

Ryan's eyes flew open desperately and he sat up, clinging the sheets around him. He took deep breaths, in and out, his breathing loud and raspy as the dream, the memory from his past still echoing the empty voices in his head.

"It'll never happen again."
Liar.

"I'm sorry, I promise..."
Liar.

"All of this, it's going to stop..."
Liar.

Lies. All of it, empty, broken promises. Almost all of his life, the whole painting of his life, it was a rich woven tapestry of lies, blood, tears...There was only one part of the picture he really like. One time, one year. Newport...Sandy, Kirsten, real parents, finally, parents who loved him...Seth, his brother, his best friend...And Marissa. He thought that was the best part of it. The moments he spent with her were the moments he savored most, because they were the times that his life was perfect. And he couldn't deny that he liked it. He was even starting to get used to it. But you can never get too comfortable with something perfect. It never lasts. Ryan thought of how much he loved her...It seemed strange to him, using love in a past tense. Because he wanted to love Marissa. He wanted to love her again, so much. He had wanted to love her ever since he left.

But he was an expert at blocking out his feelings. He had locked his heart; no one could open it. Marissa had always held the key. She still held the key. But it was her chance whether or not she used it, and it didn't really seem to Ryan that she was about to unlock his heart any time now. So he didn't hold onto too much hope. Just a tiny bit, just in case the perfect ever really came back to him...

Lies had ruined that perfect part of his life as well. And it went to being exactly how it used to be.

He remembered how he felt that day, the memory as fresh as though it had happened yesterday, the pain still fresh when he chose to uncover the wounds.

I hate her. I HATE her!

Those bitter words that he had said to himself. Maybe it was true. He didn't want to lie to himself.

That night, as Ryan lay in bed, moonlight shadows dancing on his face, he made a promise to himself. He made a promise to Chrissie. He would get the both of them out of the endless hell that they were stuck in. They would escape. And then they could leave it behind. And Ryan could finally leave everything behind, block out the old, haunting memories that just wouldn't leave him alone. His life at the moment was just a repeat of his old life, a repeat on TV. He knew it off by heart, the same old dialogue, over and over again. He was sick of watching it. So he'd finally turn it off.

Ryan knew that he could keep his promise. He didn't want to be like his mother, a liar. Because the thing he hated most was liars.