I know after I'm done this you will call me the biggest hypocrite ever, but I'm going to say this anyways.
I know how I said Logan overprotected me. Well I miss that, I felt a little bit safer when he was there, a teeny bit more confident and less shy. Now I'm just Mary-Anne Spier, plain old Mary-Anne Spier. After I lost Logan, it felt like I lost a part of me. When I was with Logan, I felt almost complete. Now I feel less.
I know I said it felt like he wanted to run my life, well my life seemed to function better when he ran it. I always felt like I had someone to confide in. I told him things I haven't even told Kristy. But I don't know why I felt overprotected.
I mean I know he planned what we did, and kind of chose what we did. But the thing is I just felt like I always do. Like they'll reject my ideas, or laugh at me. I mean I just noticed that with him.
He trusted me, and in the pit of my stomach I felt like he didn't. I'm not with him anymore and I trust him more then ever. I wanted to stay friends I know I did. I swear I tried, and I'm sure he did too. But that's just not how it goes. Kristy says I shouldn't waste my time thinking about Logan, but I just need my own ways to get out my feelings.
He was always there, when I was unsure I would goto the memory box and cry because I was so happy. I look at what I have still, a card with burnt edges. Every time I try to think about the good things in life it brings my mind back to the fire.
He was there for me, really. He was there at the fire, and stayed by my side. I still haven't taken it all in, a year later and my memory still floods back to the day. I am always hoping that this is one horrible nightmare and I will wake up, and laugh about it with Logan and my friends. But its not. This is real life. The way it goes.
Other have it better, I know. Life isn't fair, and other just seem to get a bigger slice of joy then me. Except I do have to be happy for things in the fire. We all survived, Me, Dad, Sharon and Tigger. I believe I've lost part of my life in the fire, my soul. After the fire I went through changes, big changes. Sharon just says the fire made me mature more. Maybe its true, but I'm not sure. I'm not sure of anything anymore.
I'm not sure if I'm still the real Mary-Anne Spier. How do I know? Will life send me clues. Reasons for the events. My dad tightened his grip on my life, well Sharon's encouraging him to loosen it. I guess I do have a pretty good life. I have a great family, whom I can tell anything.
In that family I am trusted. The trust is like a bond, you break the trust and you've broken the bond. The bond is really strong, and it mean so much to my dad. My dad, Sharon, and myself.
With Logan, I don't know how I felt, I don't know why I did it. Was it so wrong that he cared so much? If I could tell him how I felt, if it was as easily done as just thinking.. I don't know, maybe all things happen for a reason. Maybe me and Logan just weren't meant to be?
Does fate choose my path. The way I go. Is it not up to me? Did I want the fire to happen, deep down. Was I the one who chose that mom should die. I don't think so but, did I have a influence? Was my life destined to go wrong? Did I have the wrong genes mixed? Im not sure about that. Actually Im not sure about much anymore. All I know is that I miss Logan, but what should I do?
Lost. Confused. Unaware. That's how I feel.