DISCLAIMER – I don't own the OC, don't sue me, you'll just get a heap of junk…Oh, and I obviously don't own Missy Higgins or her songs.
A/N – This is a very long chapter, I didn't plan it that way but that was how it turned out. NINE Microsoft Word pages!! And the song I used is "They Weren't There" by Missy Higgins, and I just wanted to use it in the story, so I'm not sure if it even fits in. Oh, and the story is now called, "Clichéd love lines"… Should it stay that way?
This chapter is dedicated to the memory of all the lives lost in the Tsunami tragedy in Thailand. I am currently watching the "Australia Unites – Reach Out To Asia" TV special, and I just wanted to dedicate this to them, since I've already donated money.
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Ryan took one sharp breath of air and choked. The words were stuck in his mind and now they were choking him. He couldn't breathe…Eventually he managed to gasp out...
"W-What?"
"Oh, fuck." Swore Theresa as she realised she had just told him what she had been trying so desperately to hide.
"You – You lied?" asked Ryan incredulously, still unable to believe what was happening as he fought to regain his breath.
"I..." whimpered Theresa. "I don't k-know…I don't know why..."
Ryan interrupted her painful ramblings. "I...I stayed for you, Theresa. No," he corrected himself. "I didn't stay for you. I stayed for Chrissie. Only for my daughter. And – and you lied to me. Theresa, I...I trusted you. I believed you. I know Chrissie looks nothing like me, but...But I still trusted you. I trusted that you wouldn't lie to me."
"But..." snivelled Theresa before another attack of sobs overtook her and she moaned into the phone.
"I love Chrissie." Ryan said. "And you don't deserve you. I may not be her…" he faltered. "Her f-father...But I'm the closest thing she has, and I'm going to take care of her, because you obviously can't."
"Ryan, please!" yelled Theresa. "I did it because of you! I did it for you..."
"Oh, really." Asked Ryan coldly. "And how was lying to me supposed to help me?"
"I love you, Ryan!" Theresa yelled. "You just..." she sniffed. "You just couldn't see it. I knew you wouldn't stay unless the baby was yours. Because you're like that Ryan. You're honourable...I knew that you would do the right thing..."
"So you used it against me."
"I just…I just w-wanted you s-so badly." Moaned Theresa. "And all you wanted was Marissa..."
"Because I love her!" screamed Ryan. He gasped inwardly as soon as he realised what he had said. "I love her." He said love. Present-tense. But he didn't…did he?
Theresa's sobs started to subside, and she wasn't as surprised as Ryan was at his exclamation. "I know." She sighed.
"Y-you what?" he asked.
"I know you love her." Theresa said, and Ryan felt his heart thud. "It's so obvious Ry. Even after seven years, you still love her. You keep denying it, but you know you do. You think that I haven't noticed? You think I haven't noticed that you still keep her picture in your bedside table, like you've buried her away, but really its just so that every time you open the drawer you see her?"
"Do I do that?" asked Ryan as a wave of numb shock overtook his body.
"You do Ryan." She said sadly. "You still love her. I just..." she sniffed slightly and paused to wipe a tear running down her cheek. "I just wanted you to love me like that. But I can't win. You're hers. And you're right. I'm an awful mother. I've spent...so, so long trying to keep this secret from you...It just overtook me. It's not me. I never wanted to become this, Ryan. I wanted to be a good mother...I'm horrible. Chrissie deserves someone like you, Ryan. I..." she took a breath. "I hope you're happy in Newport. I hope both of you are." She caught her breath sharply, trying to stop the tears from pouring from her eyes again.
"I...OK." said Ryan weakly. He didn't know what to say. "I'll come and get Chrissie..."
"No." said Theresa. "I'll drive her up. Tomorrow. I want to spend one more day with her."
"Bu…" Ryan started, but Theresa wouldn't let him speak.
"Please Ryan." She begged. "I just want to see her, one more day. I do love her. I owe her an explanation."
"I'll tell her, Theresa." Ryan offered. "I want to. You can take her up here...You know where I'm staying..."
"Yeah." Said Theresa, sighing heavily. "Bye Ryan. And..."
"Yeah?"
"Have a good life with Marissa." She said, choking on her words. She hung up before he could hear her cry.
Chrissie had curled herself up in the corner of next room, where she could hear what her mummy was saying on the phone, but she knew she wouldn't be caught. She guessed that her mummy was talking to daddy, because she kept saying "Ryan" which she knew was her daddy's real name. She also heard the name "Marissa" a few times. She didn't know who Marissa was, but she was someone who mummy brought up a lot whenever her and daddy were fighting, mostly when she was drunk. She was guessing that Marissa wasn't a very nice person, by the way that mummy talked about her, but she thought that Marissa was a very pretty name, and daddy always some nice things about her. She would close her eyes and imagine "Marissa" as a very tall, slim and graceful person. She liked Marissa. But mummy didn't.
She could hear her mummy crying after she hung up the phone. Chrissie uncurled herself and tiptoed into the other room. "Mummy?" she asked in a small, timid voice, because she knew that she was sick. It was called a "hangover", which she knew was something that happened to grown-ups after they drank too much.
"Oh." Theresa raised her head and Chrissie saw the mascara smudges running down her cheeks, knowing that mummy had been crying for a long time. "Hi sweetie." She said, and attempted to smile.
"Was that daddy?" asked Chrissie in the same small voice.
Theresa nodded and Chrissie saw her eyes go watery again, and she wondered if she was about to cry more. But instead she just blinked, and the water disappeared.
"What's happening mummy?" asked Chrissie. She was young...but she was smart. She knew something was going on.
Theresa looked at her young daughter, standing tall and innocent through all of his. She bit her lip and patted her lap. "Up here baby." She whispered, and Chrissie gingerly sat on her mother's lap. Theresa wrapped her arms around her daughter's waist and put her nose in her thin, dark hair, inhaling the smell of her lost youth and innocence. "I love you so much sweetie." She said softly.
"I know." Said Chrissie. "I love you too. Mummy…what's happening?"
Theresa took a deep breath. "Sweetie…daddy's been offered a job. In Newport. He's moving there. And you're going with him."
"And you too?" asked Chrissie.
Theresa's eyes welled up with tears and she shook her head slowly. "No honey. Just you...and daddy."
Chrissie leapt down from her mother's lap, her eyes suddenly burning with tears. "Are...Are you guys getting a d-divorce?" she asked, her voice quivering as she stared up at her mother with wide eyes.
Theresa couldn't think of anything to say. She nodded.
"No." said Chrissie, her eyes flickering desperately and tears starting to spill down her cheeks. "You can't!" She was about to run away when Theresa caught her arm and pulled her back, letting her cry in her lap.
"Shhh," hushed Theresa, trying to calm her daughter.
"You can't get a divorce!" wailed Chrissie. "Then I won't have a normal family anymore! I…want…a…normal…family!"
Theresa bit her tongue, holding back the urge to tell Chrissie that their family never was normal, that her father wasn't even her father, and that, no one in Chino had a normal family anyway.
"Sweetie, sweetie, shhh," Theresa repeated over and over again.
Eventually, her daughters wails and moans caved in, and she raised her head, sniffling. "It was going to happen anyway, wasn't it?"
Theresa froze. She had always known her daughter was smart, but she never knew that she could see this before Theresa could. Maybe it was just too obvious to hide. She nodded numbly.
"Mummy?" asked Chrissie, her voice still small and cracked, the tears still silently streaming down her face.
"Yes?" asked Theresa, and she pulled Chrissie into her lap again.
"Is Newport nice? Is it that place daddy's always talking about?"
Theresa nodded, trying to stop the painful memories of Newport flooding back to her, forcing herself to remember only the nice ones. There weren't many, but she tried.
"It's always sunny there." She started. "And there are lots of beautiful beaches. And lots of beautiful people..." she added bitterly before she could stop herself.
"Like those people daddy talks about?"
Again, Theresa nodded. "There's Seth. He's daddy's brother..."
"My uncle?" asked Chrissie.
Theresa's eyes filled with tears, but she nodded. "Yes baby." She said in a small voice. "Your Uncle Seth. And there's Sandy, and Kirsten..." she faltered in speech as she remembered how nice the Cohen's had been to her throughout the whole awful ordeal. She had never really thought about how hard it must have been for them. They were being so nice to her...and she was taking away their son, just when they thought they really had him forever. She had torn their family apart. All for her own selfish needs. She gulped, and continued, "They're daddy's...parents." she said.
"Grandma and Grandpa..."
"Yes..." started Theresa, but Chrissie said something else.
"What about Marissa?"
Theresa's eye's instantly iced over, and she flinched at the sound of her name. Of all her Newport memories, Marissa was the one that Theresa most wanted to erase. Marissa. She was the whole reason that Ryan wasn't still with her. The reason Ryan didn't love her. It was all her fault. And he still loved her.
"Is she beautiful too?"
Theresa swallowed, hard, as she thought of Marissa. Tall, skinny, gorgeous. Everything that Theresa wasn't. No wonder Ryan would choose her. She could never see what was so nice about her...To Theresa, she was just another rich bitch. Ryan must have seen more.
"She is." Said Theresa, hoping that her voice wasn't as ice cold as her thoughts. "Daddy really likes her."
"Will I like her?" asked Chrissie.
"I guess you will." Sighed Theresa. "She's going to be a big part of your life."
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Ryan lay back on the bed, struggling to keep his breathing normal. His heart was pounding and the room was spinning. He closed his eyes tightly, but he didn't feel like sleeping anymore. Theresa's words were still hitting him. Hard. First of all, everything about Chrissie. She wasn't his daughter? Well...he wasn't sure if that shocked him very much. He had always had a feeling that she wasn't, a dull ache in his stomach whenever he noticed that they looked nothing like each other, but he always chose to ignore it, and told himself that she was his, end of story.
She wasn't.
But the thing that hit him the hardest was what Theresa had said about Marissa. She hadn't told him that he loved her. She said that in the whole seven years they had lived together, even now, he was still in love with Marissa. He had never fallen out of love. And he had lost her. She was getting married, and even worse, she was getting married to the man that he had now decided was his new boss. He tried to laugh at the irony of the entire thing. Nothing came, and he found himself thinking that he really needed Seth at a time like this, someone who would point out the clichéd lines with sarcasm, but stop as soon as Ryan shot him a look, telling him to leave him alone and let him brood with his problems. Even then he wouldn't leave, but he would at least stop talking. Kind of. Actually, not at all.
Seth was the best friend – and brother – Ryan had ever had.
Thinking about Seth brought back a string of memories from seven years ago, while Ryan opened the floodgates in his mind, the ones he had put up to block out all the beautiful memories that he had never wanted to think of again.
He thought of Sandy. Sandy had been the father figure in Ryan's life ever since he had gotten him out of juvvie and brought him home to his own house. Sandy hadn't been put off when his wife had objected to it. Sandy was his father.
Kirsten...Beautiful, sweet Kirsten. She had been so intimidated by him when he first moved into their poolhouse. She trusted her husband, but she still didn't trust him. Ryan accepted that, but he was trying so hard...It didn't help when he – accidentally – burnt down their model home. That had landed him back in juvvie, where he was sure he was stuck forever...Until Kirsten came. Kirsten got him out of juvvie, and she let him stay with them. She allowed him to become part of their family. After that, he tried harder then ever to prove to her that he wasn't just a normal Chino delinquent. It took time...But eventually, Kirsten let her guard down, and came to love Ryan just as much as she loved Seth. Kirsten was his mother.
Of course, there was Seth. Ryan couldn't deny that he had always thought the kid was a little books, playstation, an odd obsession with pudding, and he talked to a plastic horse. Still, Seth had been all willing to open his heart – and his mouth – to Ryan. Seth became Ryan's best friend...his first real friend. And he became his brother. Seth...His real brother.
Marissa. There was so much that attracted him to her in the first place. She was beautiful, yes...But it was more then looks with Marissa. She got him. When her parents broke up, she got a little taste of what it was like to be him...to come from a broken family. That was one thing that they had in common. Maybe she didn't understand everything about him...But she always tried. He knew that, he appreciated that more then anything. She must have really and truly loved him. Once. Then he left, he broke her heart, and he didn't come back. She had no one to turn to, until she found Kurt. Now she was getting married to him. The problem? Ryan still loved her.
He drew in another shaky breath and blinked, trying to clear his head. The room finally stopped spinning, and he focused his eyes on the phone lying on the bed. The first thing he thought was that he needed to call Kurt. He picked up the phone and fumbled with the card that Kurt had given him, trying to control his shaking hands as he punched in his number. It rang emptily for a minute, and Ryan was glad for the delay, but eventually the phone clicked, and a female voice came on the other end.
"Hello?" asked Marissa in a raspy voice, the same one she had whenever she woke up, the one that Ryan always thought was so sexy. His heart pounded.
"Uh...Hi. Marissa." he said.
"Hi, Ryan!" her voice brightened noticeably and Ryan smiled. But she must have noticed that she sounded a bit too over-excited, and changed her voice back to what she probably thought sounded a bit annoyed at him, but Ryan thought that he knew better. "Um. What do you want?"
"Can...Can I talk to Kurt please?" he asked, thinking that he sounded like a five year old.
"Uh, yeah..." said Marissa. She held her hand over the receiver and called out, "Kurt!"
"Yeah honey?" came his voice from the kitchen.
"Phone for you!" she said. "It's Ryan."
"OK, just a sec." Kurt called back.
"Um, he'll be here in a second." She said, picking up the phone and talking to Ryan.
"OK..." said Ryan. An awkward silence followed. "Look, I'm sorry about last ni…"
"Me too." Said Marissa simply. "I was just a bit shocked, you know? I mean, after what happened...Look at the satire."
Ryan smiled. "Seth would love it."
Marissa laughed softly, and Ryan felt his heart pound again. "And...I'm sorry about what happened…before. It wasn't mean to happen."
"Me too." Apologized Ryan. "I'm sorry I blew up at you. He'll never find out…right?" he asked.
"Yeah." Agreed Marissa, and another awkward silence followed.
"I..." Ryan started. He wasn't sure what he was about to say, he was just about to let words fall out of his mouth. It could have been "I miss you". Or it could have been "I love you." He probably would have cut himself off before he finished, but Marissa did it for him first.
"Here's Kurt." She said. "Well...Bye Ryan."
"Bye Riss." He said softly. So softly that he almost wasn't sure that she heard it. But she did, and she couldn't hand the phone to Kurt quick enough after she heard it. Kurt sat down on the bed and smiled at Marissa. She smiled back slightly, and ran out to the living room, where she collapsed on the couch and buried her head in the pillow, screaming. She screamed into the cushiony darkness, hoping Kurt couldn't hear her, until her throat grew dry. She raised her head and took a few deep breaths. She had heard what he had said. He called her Riss. He hadn't called her Riss for seven years, and until then, she hadn't realised how much she missed it. They way his voice was soft and husky, sweet yet always with a note of strength. She hadn't realised how much she missed him.
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"Hello?" said Kurt.
"Hi...Kurt." said Ryan breathlessly; still mad at himself about what he had said to Marissa.
"So, what's up?" asked Kurt.
"Um, I just wanted to say that...I can take the job." Said Ryan.
"Really?" said Kurt. "Great! So, you called your wife? The family's going to come down?"
"Well..." said Ryan, not really sure if he should be telling Kurt this. "My wife and I...we're getting a divorce."
"Oh, man." Said Kurt. "I'm so sorry."
"It's fine." Assured Ryan. "It was my suggestion. And it was bound to happen anyway. But me and my dau – yeah…my daughter. My daughter and I will be coming down to Newport."
"Well, that's great." Said Kurt. "And, just so you know, our company will set you up in a comfortable Newport home. You seem to be a very determined worker. We will give you the best in exchange for your best."
"Um..." Ryan licked his lips. "Thank you. I…I will. Thank you."
"No problem." Said Kurt.
"I can start soon?" suggested Ryan.
"Could you start next week?" asked Kurt. "You can get settled in your home and then begin."
"Uh, yeah." Agreed Ryan. "That'd be great. Thank you so much..."
"That's fine." Said Kurt warmly, and Ryan instantly felt a pang of regret about what him and Marissa were hiding from him. He was such a great guy, and he was helping Ryan so much. "We...Marissa and I...will come and see you in your new home...Maybe we can help you get settled in."
"OK." said Ryan. "Thank you." He said one more time. He just couldn't say it enough.
"No problem." Kurt said again. "Bye, Ryan."
"Bye." He said before hanging up.
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"Riss?" asked Kurt, coming through the doorway. Marissa cringed at the name that had been said by Ryan only a few minutes before, because it sounded so much better coming from him. "Are you OK?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." She said brightly, sitting up and fixing a false smile on her face. "Why?"
"Oh, I thought I just heard you yelling or something," he said, slightly confused, but Marissa shook her head. "Oh, OK. I'll just go finish breakfast then..." Marissa nodded and he left for the kitchen.
As soon as he was out of sight Marissa jumped off the couch and ran towards the bedroom. She dropped to her knee's and opened the bottom drawer of her dresser, fumbling through the clothes and pushing things aside until she found what she was looking for, a shoe box hidden right at the very back. She had made it in Arts & Crafts when she was seven years old. She had stolen her mums Gucci shoebox and painted it bright purple, her favourite colour. She had then painted on smiley faces, rainbows, flowers and any other pretty thing that came to her mind, and the teacher had given her lots of stickers to put on. On the top of the box, she had written MARISSA'S MEMORIES, in her roundest, neatest seven year old writing, and stuck on her school photo for that year, the one where she had been reluctant to smile because she had just lost her front tooth, but the photo man had made her laugh just before he had taken the picture, resulting in a large and toothy smile from seven year old Marissa Cooper.
Marissa opened the box and shuffled through the various memorabilia inside. Her old diary, tickets from movies and concerts were inside, but mostly there were photos. Closer to the bottom were her favourites...some of Summer and Seth, quite a few of the four of them; Seth, Summer, her and Ryan...And her absolutes favourites were touching the base of the box...Pictures of her and Ryan. She picked them up and flicked through them. She stopped on one of her and Ryan, sitting on the beach. Ryan's arms were around her and she was looking up at him, and he was leaning down as they kissed each other's lips lightly.
Marissa sighed and closed her eyes as she remembered that day…
She licked her lips as she tasted the salty air, and shivered at the slight breeze casting through the otherwise warm day. Ryan's arm around her shoulder warmed her up. It was sunset...The sky had been tinted with gorgeous shades of purple and pink, and the normally white clouds had turned into swirls of orange cream. The setting sun threw pink shadows over the two teenagers faces, and just at the moment they had kissed, the light, splashing waves ringing in their ears, Summer had clicked the camera, squealing, "Eww. You guys are so cute! You make me wanna throw up!" Seth had silenced her yelps with kisses, and she started giggling. Ryan and Marissa had laughed at their friends, and Seth had taken the opportunity to freeze the moment in time, jumping up and down with the camera in his hand as he exclaimed, "Whoa, rare moment guys! I got one of Ryan smiling! Let's go celebrate…Ice cream anybody?" They had all laughed as Summer had smacked him on the head, asking him, "Is food all you think of?". Still laughing, they had walked to the ice cream shop, where Seth had gulped down his double-chocolate cone in almost one breath. Summer had eaten her low fat vanilla ice-cream fast, and looked immediately guilty after she finished hers, but when Seth wrapped his arm around her and kissed her, she smiled, and the guiltiness disappeared, replaced by happiness. Ryan had finished his cone by the time Marissa had only taken a few bites of hers. Looking at her with concern, he asked her why she wasn't eating it. "I'm not hungry..." she shrugged it off. But he knew what she was thinking. "Riss..." he had whispered, leaning closer to her so that their lips were almost touching, and she could taste his warm breath. "...You're beautiful." He told her. "You're always beautiful." He paused, before kissing her. As their lips broke apart, he said softly, "I love you." Marissa's heart fluttered, as it had every time he said that. She never got tired of hearing it, and every time the words escaped his mouth, her heart felt lighter and a smile crossed her face. "I love you too." She whispered back. They broke apart, only to find their friends staring at them, Summer pretending to gag. "Shut up Sum!" Marissa exclaimed, amused. She had finished her ice cream, and actually managed not to feel guilty about it. All because of Ryan. Ryan made her feel beautiful. He made her feel special.
He had anyway. That was only a memory, she reminded herself as she opened her eyes. She looked at the next photo, and touched his laughing face. She wanted to feel the same shiver of electricity that she felt up her body whenever she touched him, but she only felt the smooth touch of the Kodak paper. Day's like that had been torn away from her after Theresa became pregnant and Ryan moved back to Chino. So many people had told her that she would be OK without him, that she should just forget him and if he had really loved her he wouldn't have left. It reminded her of the words of a song she had once heard…
But they all said, "you're too young to even know,
just don't let it grow and you'll be stronger without him"
Marissa couldn't help but think that they were all wrong.
Ryan was special to her. He loved her like no one else in her life ever had...She had always thought that their love was special, and she still did...kind of.
She wondered why she was suddenly having all these feeling for him, feelings that she hadn't felt for almost seven years. She couldn't still be in love with her...Because there was no way he still felt the same way. And she loved Kurt...But she wasn't sure if it was the same way that she…had…loved Ryan. Ryan…Ryan was special. Ryan made her feel special. She knew she had loved him once. The question was...Did she still love him?
You sighed and I was lost in you, weeks could've past for all I knew.
You were there blanket of the over-world and so I couldn't say,
I wouldn't say "no". But they all said, "you're too young to even know,
just don't let it grow and you'll be stronger without him"
but oh, now, my world is at your feet. I was lost and I was found,
but I was alive and now I've drowned.
So now I will be waiting for the world to hear my song
so they can tell me I was wrong...
"They Weren't There"
- Missy Higgins
A/N – Once again, this is dedicated to the victims of the Tsunami disaster, and a thank you to the "Australia Unites – Reach Out To Asia" TV special...Last time I checked, we raised over $20. Million!! Pretty good!!!