Chapter 4: I Should Tell You

A/N: Rated R for cutting. If you're sensitive on this subject I'd advise skipping though the italics.

January 8th. 11pm Eastern Standard Time - 1999

Roger stared at himself in the bathroom mirror. He hadn't recognized who he had become - a man so sad, filled with so much anger. How dare someone take away the one person who he loved so dearly? What did he do to deserve the heart-ache he felt every single night? It was enough having April's suicide on top of his back, and now he had Mimi's too.

His cheeks were stained with trails of tears that he had shed. Enough was enough, he didn't want to do it anymore.

He glanced at the time on his watch which read 1am. Mark should be asleep by now. Taking off the watch he placed it on the sink before running the water. He had it all planned out. The razors. The bathtub filled with ice cold water. April was to thank for that idea. A twisted smirk fell upon his face.

This isn't my face...

He sighed and picked up a cheap bic razor he had found on the sink before observing it in the light.

He wasn't scared.

Taking the cold metal in the palm of his hand he stared at it.

These aren't my hands...

Using one quick vertical movement on his wrist, he watched the skin peel open and blood start to trickle down his arm before splattering on to the bathroom floor.

This isn't my fucking blood...

It didn't hurt though. Not one bit.

He did this several more time to his left arm getting pure satisfaction of watching the chrisom fluid trickle down his arm. He almost felt a tad bit guilty knowing that Mark was going to be the one to find him.

Maybe he'd get it on film... He thought cruelly trying to escape the feeling. Smirking to himself he looked back into the mirror. Mimi stood beside him looking beautiful as ever. He could feel her cold hand place themselves on his shoulders as he made one last large slit into his right arm.

This wasn't his beautiful girlfriend...

Walking over to the bathtub he turned on the water with his right hand. Ice cold water. Filling the bathtub, he stopped it just as it was about to over flow on to the tiling. Looking back towards Mimi she was gone.

But it wasn't her at all.

Locking the bathroom door he was too lazy to shed his clothing. It added to the effect, being clothed. Just like April did. He could still see himself remove her body from the bloody bathtub and place her on the floor, clothes attached to her pale slim figure.

He lowered himself into the bathtub before leaning his head back on the tub. Picking up the razor he made one last deep cut into his right vein before closing his eyes and welcoming the darkness..

Waking up in a cold sweat, Roger sat up quickly trying to calm his breathing and his heart rate which felt as if it would jump out of his chest. Pulling back the covers a bit he observed his wrists which were completely fine.

"Fucking nightmare." He scowled under his breath before looking towards his left where Mimi was expected to be laying. Instead he found the bed was empty. Rubbing his head he leaned his head back on the back board and placed his hand over his chest to steady his breathing a bit. He couldn't believe what he had just dreamt...Obviously my sub-conscious is suicidal - peachy, he thought to himself before swinging his legs over the bed slapping on the cold floor. He was too lazy to find where his slippers were...

Standing up slowly to get his bearings, he started out of the bedroom and into the hall before gazing where a small light was lit in the kitchen. Rubbing his eyes in attempt to clear his vision he took a few more steps into the kitchen seeing Mimi sitting at their small table, a wool blanket wrapped around her shoulders, gazing downwards at a small glass of water.

"Meems'?" He whispered softly so he wouldn't startle her. Her gaze lifted from the glass to meet Roger's eyes.

"Hey..." She whispered her voice drifting a bit into the night. Roger walked over to her before sitting down in the seat next to her.

"What time is it?" Roger mumbled groggily.

"2:30." Mimi responded, "Couldn't sleep... why are you up?" She asked curiously lifting her brows a tiny bit.

Roger paused searching his head for an answer. "Just woke up..you weren't in bed so I figured I'd see what was wrong.." He started. Anything sounded better then 'I had a nightmare that I killed myself..and oh...you were dead too.'

"Nothing...nothing I was just thinking." Mimi responded quickly shaking her head a bit.

Roger leaned toward over the table with his elbows before fixing the blanket around her that was slowly falling from her shoulders. "Thinking about?"

"About what's going to happen a few months..weeks...days from now." She whispered softly eyes locking on his. Roger pulled away from her entrance and looked down towards the table. She was cornering him into talking about 'it'. He knew it..

"Mimi.." Roger started gaze focuses on her glass of water.

"Please..we really need to...we need to talk about it...." She said just above a whisper and by her tone, Roger could tell she was frustrated with him. Was it so selfish of him not want to hear Mimi talk about dying? When he didn't respond her heard Mimi groan in annoyance.

Roger slowly looked up to her, the last thing he wanted was her mad at him. "Tommorrow."

"Now." Mimi said sternly eyes glistened with threatening tears.

Roger let out a defeated sigh before standing up. "It's cold. We'll talk about it in bed." He reasoned with her offering her his hand, still trying to think of a way out of it, though he knew clearly he was at a dead end.

Mimi took his hand and slowly stood up. Roger could see how weak and fragile she was getting by just holding on to her skeletal hand. He let go of her hand and wrapped an arm around her waist before lifting her off her feet and cradling her in his arms.

Usually Mimi would protest but tonight she was too drained to do anything but wrap her arms around his neck in reassurance that if he dropped her, he'd be going down too.

Heading back into their bedroom he placed her on the bed before crawling on himself and pulling the thick layers of blankets over them. Cuddling close to her he kissed her forehead before taking a deep breath.

"I should tell you...I should tell you how much you mean to me." She whispered tracing her hand over his cold cheek.

"I know..." Roger whispered back forcing a small grin. "I should tell you... I don't know what I'm going to do...without you."

"You'll move on..." Mimi responded softly feeling tears well up in her own eyes. "You'll light someone else's candle.."

Roger closed his eyes feeling tears threaten to fall. He didn't want to cry in front of her...he wouldn't cry in front of her. He swallowed hard and shook his head. "I don't think I can...I don't want to."

"Yes...yes you can Roger...you'll do it for me. I don't want to leave you without knowing you'll be okay.." She whispered a tear falling down her cheek. "I love you Rog...I want you to be happy.."

"I can't be happy with you dead!" He shouted in a hushed whisper suddenly causing her to flinch. It was so easy to accept anger over pain...

"You'll find someone else to love...you have so many people who care about you..." She whispered softly noticing the tears in Roger's eyes.

"You sound like Mark." He muttered shaking his head. "They don't matter to me..you're the only one Mimi.."

Mimi stared at him knowing how hard this was for him. She was only glad it wasn't the other way around.

"Promise me you'll move on. Promise me you won't do anything stupid...don't do anything stupid like April.."

Roger shook his head choked up in his tears as he listened to her. "I can't." He breathed out past the large ball in his throat.

"You want me to be happy? Well I won't be until you promise me you'll be okay! Do you want me to suffer more?" She hissed before taking a deep shaky breath, entwining their fingers together under the blankets. "Please..Roger...I'm so sick of holding on because of you.." She spoke through her tears that were now sailing down her cheeks. "I can't hold on much longer.."

Roger closed his eyes for several moments trying to take in everything. What was he suppose to do? Tell her he'd move on after she died and be the happiest person alive trying to pick up the next girl he saw? No. Things weren't going to work out that way. Not able to think of anything else to say he slowly nodded reluctantly squeezing her hand gently.

"Thank you.." She whispered through her tears before wrapping her arms around him, cuddling into him, hiding her face under his scruffy chin.

Roger held her close to him and wept softly unable to hold back the tears he had been wanting to cry for years now. He felt her fall asleep in his arms minutes later and finally gave in as sleep washed over him.

Sleep would rest his tired body but he knew sleep wouldn't rest his mind...he was too trapped in his tormented thoughts too be saved.

A/N: Review rock my socks. Oh! And I also have about 3 more chapters after this completed so review and you get more. Be a nice RENT head..