Author's Note: Well I got 10 reviews so here as promised is Chapter 2 of this wonderful little fic of mine. I haven't the slightest idea of how many chapters there will be, but so long as a few people are reading this and enjoying it I will continue for you. For those that don't review well –evil eye- you should just think if you were to write something and have no one respond to something that you have written. This particular fic is very personal to me and literally my tears have gone into writing this fic so be kind but be fair.
Thanks to:
Laveda 27- for your support
Heartandy112- thanks for reading all my stuff, and yes you count for lots of reviews
Foxy Wombat- glad I've caught your intrest hope I keep it
Froggy0319- I love journals too, thus the inspiration for this fic
Reni-Maniac- no worries I'll keep this story going for a bit
Amanda- Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy this one too!
XBlueShadowX- glad you gave me the silly grin rather than the evil one! Now where is your stuff huh? –waits patiently tapping fingernails on desk-
Kris345- romance will come eventually but we need to solve some problems first, I'm a hopeless head-over-heels romantic don't worry.
DuskJane- here you go read on and review some more!
Debbie- I like it too, she has a lot of weakness that need to be addressed before she can pursue anything meaningful with Harm.
None of us really understands why things happen the way they do. We try our damnest to figure it out, rationalize it so we can find some kind of piece of mind. Inevitability it doesn't work and causes more headaches and heartaches than it does anything else. I can understand why it is that we want to be able to understand our feelings and life, we live our lives so afraid of being hurt and abandoned. I've been emotionally scarred and with the relationships I have had have ended so badly that I have no desire to even pursue anyone else. Even though the potential relationship could prove to be the happiest decision I have ever made, the small chance that it wouldn't be is enough for me to run. Run…I've been doing that my entire life, running away from men and embracing my career instead. It doesn't really make sense given my personality and chosen profession to run the way I am, and hide my head in the sand like a fucking ostrich but when it comes to matters of the heart I'm too damaged, too broken, and far too fragile. I know that I will always have somebody that loves me, or do I. Do I actually know this or have I just been telling myself this in order to comfort my own inner psyche. I know that my friends care deeply for me and I them, but something is still missing from my life.
I know what the puzzle pieces are but unable or perhaps incapable of accepting it. I have found that men like to take our problems find a solution for them and move on to the next topic. However, we women know what the problem is, the possible solutions, and how to go about executing them almost all the time, we just want a sound board someone to listen to us as we think outloud and put all the pieces together into some kind of rational order. Life is complicated, or rather life is simple and it us who complicate it. Whether we want to or not we cannot help but stumble over ourselves when it comes to any and every aspect of our lives, the essence of who we are is unknown to others. We are so wrapped up in hiding behind our shells in order to protect us from getting hurt that no one every gets behind our walls to see what we are and what we want. Self-preservation, it is a matter of protecting ourselves as we have for millions of years, this idea has metamorphosized from fighting wholly mammoths to our psyches. We are far more fragile than we let on to anyone, even to ourselves most of the time. Perhaps if for once we stepped back and realized that we are all protecting ourselves from the same thing that there isn't anything to be afraid of. Why is it that we can't see this before it's too late, before we lose everything we hold dear to us. We don't jump, we don't take the risks in life that are worth taking the ones that keep us going, light the fire in our hearts and put the sparkle into our eyes. We all need it to survive, it is a necessary element and all of us have the capacity for it…Love. The one thing that could set us free on so many levels is the one thing that keeps us grounded and hidden behind a window glancing out at the life you could have, the life you deserve. I deserve it, I know I do but I do nothing about it I won't take the jump or the risks. I have been taking risks all my life, not the right one's mind you but nonetheless I have and now I am unable to take the right jumps. I have too many scars too many hurt memories.
"The trouble with love is it can tear you up inside make your heart believe a lie and stronger than your pride. The trouble with love is it doesn't care how fast you fall, you can believe the fall so you can't say it all….I swore I never would love again…" That is the truth, it does tear us up inside. He tears me up, we aren't even together and it still hurts. If that is the case and I hurt now why not try to have something it can't hurt any worse. Wait it could, if he were to reject me I don't think I could handle that. Open myself, put my heart on my sleeve out and then to be rejected by the one true man that I honestly love, the one that I have only truly loved. Yes I have been with others before but none of them have stuck by during the trying times, the difficult ones that reach into our souls and push us to our utmost brink. No man but he has stood by and helped me through it in one way or another, he knows what frightens me and what makes me happy. Who can be so lucky as to find a man in there lives such as he that warms your hearts content just by entering the room, making eye contact and sending a grin my way as though no one else were in the room. If I am so lucky then why don't I say anything to him, why not confess my love and take the chance of a life time a chance at being happy?