Augh! I'm awful, I'm awful, I know. If I were you I would hate me. I hate
when authors abandon their stories for such a long time. I'm going to try
to update at least once a week now. I know where I want to go with this
now, so I have at least five chapters I can just pound out and post. So
because this took so long I'm trying to make it an extra long chapter but
no promises! We'll just see where it goes. . .
-----
Jess ran his finger along the binding of "Atlas Shrugged". He opened it and then closed it again without even looking at the words. He opened it to the front page. The blank one. "Kevin Grant" was written in perfect handwriting in black ink. The ink wasn't from a ballpoint pen, and the handwriting looked perfect not from effort but from instinct. Sheer practice of writing this name over and over again. Jess suspected that the copy he now held had belonged to an army man. He wasn't exactly sure why, but whenever he sat in this tree he would think about who Kevin Grant was, avoiding actually opening the book to a page with more than these two words written on it.
"Jess!"
Jess looked down to the ground from the branch where he was sitting to see Jenna standing on the lawn. She was wearing denim cutoffs, a No Doubt t- shirt, and black sunglasses perched on top of her head.
"Get down here!"
Jess waited a beat before obliging: he wasn't going to get anywhere in "Atlas Shrugged" today. He reached above him to grip a branch with one hand and swung himself down in one fluid movement. He landed flat on both feet like a cat.
"We're going clubbing!" Jenna said.
"What?" Jess asked, whining a bit.
"Clubbing! Look!" She reached into her pocket and whipped out a driver's licence.
"You can drive. . . big deal. . . so can I. . ."
"No, silly. Look!" Jess didn't take to being called silly, but instead of complaining about it he simply obliged and looked closer at the card that Jenna was holding up. The first thing he noticed was the name, Alison Daniels. Then he looked to the picture. The coloring was the same, but now that he looked, it was definitely not a picture of Jenna. He raised an eyebrow at her.
"It's my cousin's."
"I see."
"So we're going out drinking!"
"You and your cousin?"
"No, silly. You and me!"
"I don't think so."
"Why not?"
"I don't drink."
"Uh huh, sure you don't. What's with the badass look, then. Huh?"
Jess just shrugged.
"Come on, please?" Jess looked at Jenna. Her eyes were pleading. Jess thought for a moment. Jenna was his only friend in California. Not that he had ever depended on people. It was too risky. First Jimmy, or not even him, just the hope that he would maybe come back. He was a little late with that, and it wasn't as if they had a relationship now. Liz, God knows depending on her had been a lost cause. By the time he got to Luke, he was already too guarded to let anyone in. And then there was Rory. His reflexes demanded that he stop thinking about her, but he couldn't. Rory. He had let her in, and she had let him in too. And then he had let her down. No, it was too hard to disappoint people. He didn't even really care anymore what people thought of him.
But Jenna. . . she was so easy to please. It was a nice feeling, to make someone else happy, even if he knew that he had barely done anything at all. He liked it when he made people happy instead of disappointed all the time.
"What time?" he sighed. Jenna grinned happily.
"Ten?"
Jess went back to Jimmy's and went up to his room. He buried "Atlas" in one of his drawers. He grabbed a book off his shelf and buried himself in the story. He had thought too much about Rory for one day.
He wondered if he was being melodramatic. She had been his high school girlfriend. Had he really thought that they would be together forever? This day had been imminent, hadn't it? He wasn't so sure. . . Rory had been different from any other girl he had ever known. He had loved her, and she had loved him, as she had said in that quivering voice over the phone the day of her graduation. He supposed that somewhere in the back of his mind he had hoped that he and Rory could just go on being together forever.
That was all in the past now though. He felt like he couldn't get out of this funk he was in. It was over. He would never be with Rory. He had to move on, he knew it. He just. . . wasn't quite sure how to go about it was all. He had though that this whole becoming good for her idea had been smart, but maybe it just forced him to think about her more. Maybe the best idea would be to pretend he had never met her. To go back to his New York self. Not caring about anyone or anything. Pretending that all those things she had unconsciously taught him about friendship and about loving another person had never been taught. Starting tonight, with this clubbing idea with Jenna. He grabbed some jeans and a black t-shirt and dressed. He gelled his hair and then looked at his reflection. He saw his old self, and he wasn't happy.
At ten he drove by to pick up Jenna as he had promised. She got into the car and chatted mindlessly. He grunted periodically to make sure she knew that he was still alive.
The pair got in without any trouble. The bouncer didn't even ask Jess for I.D., no one ever had, and Jenna's cousin's I.D. got her in without a snag. Jess pulled Jenna over to the bar and ordered a beer.
"What do you want?" he asked Jenna.
"I want to dance!" she said.
"OK, go ahead."
"No! Come with me!"
"I don't dance."
"You could if you wanted to."
"Who says I want to?" The comment slid out of his mouth like oil, and then he regretted it immediately. It was something the old Jess would have said. 'But you are the old Jess,' he reminded himself. He watched as Jenna shrugged and then waltzed onto the dance floor to find someone else to dance with. He turned back to the bar and downed his first beer. He took in one beer after another, interspersing them with harder drinks until he felt so groggy he could barely tell where his feet were.
He got off the bar stool extremely ungracefully and looked out onto the dance floor. He saw Jenna dancing, her hands up in the air and her blond hair was whipping around her face. He walked up behind her and grabbed her waist, pressing his hips up against her butt and softly grinding against her. Jenna barely acknowledged that she was no longer dancing with herself. They danced until the song was over, and then Jenna turned her head up towards Jess'.
"You want to get out of here?" It wasn't the tone that Jess was used to. Usually by now the girl he was with was speaking with sex dripping from her words. He could tell just by looking at her that she wanted him and that was what made going slow so much more enjoyable. But Jenna was different. She didn't show any sign of wanting to jump into bed with him as soon as they left. No matter. Jess was sure that she would. And that was what he wanted. All he could think of was how much he craved contact with someone. Anyone. It didn't matter who.
"OK," Jess said, whispering huskily into Jenna's ear. Jenna spun out away from him and grabbed his hand, leading him out of the bar. He watched her back. She was wearing a light blue halter and he could see the outline of her breasts from behind, peeking out from the sides of the shirt, a mere suggestion of what lay beneath.
Jess hailed a cab and the two clamored in. "You gonna hang with me or do you want to go home?" Jenna asked.
'Smooth,' Jess thought,. "I'll come back with you," he said, just as casually as Jenna had spoken.
Jenna gave her address. They rode in silence. Jess was waiting to feel Jenna squirm as the others had when he wasn't all over them in the cab. It was the way he played the game. The cab ride was when he let them sweat.
They arrived at Jenna's house and Jess pulled a five out of his pocket and handed it to the driver. He followed Jenna out of the cab and into her house. Jenna unlocked the front door. "No one's home," she said.
'Convenient,' Jess thought to himself.
Jenna led Jess into the living room and told him to sit on the couch. He did so, and she disappeared. She returned a few moments later with a liter bottle of Coke and a family size bag of Lays. She reached for the remote and flipped on the T.V., turning it to late night game shows, and then she reached into the bag for a large handful of chips.
Maybe it was the grogginess and the fact that he could barely distinguish one object from another, but Jess was getting the feeling that this wasn't the way things usually went precoitus. He looked at Jenna as she munched on chips and washed them down with Cola.
"Thanks for leaving with me. I was just getting so tired of the same losers coming up behind me and feeling me up." She took another swig of Coke. "I don't mean you, of course. I like you."
Something was definitely wrong. Jenna was still clothed. She was eating. And she hadn't once touched him. Jess shifted uncomfortably. This was not the way he remembered situations like this. Were all those drinks messing with his memory?
"We're good together," Jenna continued, "We're going to be good friends, I can tell."
That was the moment where Jess realized that it wasn't just his memory. "Friends?" he asked.
"Yeah. What, you don't want to be my friend?" Jenna asked.
"No, I do, but. . ." Jess' words were getting jumbled. He couldn't remember what he usually said to get a girl in bed. Had it been so long since he had done this that his instincts were gone? He tried to clear his head. The lights in the room were piercing his temples and the man on the television sounded like he was screaming. Jess closed his eyes for a moment and then opened them, looking over to Jenna.
'She did that thing where you stretch and then you put your arm around the other person and then you sneeze and your hand falls.' Where was this coming from? Oh yeah, he had said it to Luke. He looked over to Jenna. It was worth a try. Jess yawned and stretched his arm, letting it fall loosely around Jenna's shoulders. Jenna's eyes didn't move from the television, but she said, "Are you tired?"
"Naw. . ." Jess said. He sat like that for a moment before moving into phase two. He faked a sneezed and allowed his hand to fall, his fingertips grazing Jenna's breast through her top. She looked down at his hand, and he shifted his gaze to the television. He could feel her eyes shift from his hand to his face. He didn't look at her.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
What was he doing? "I. . ."
"Oh. Oh Jess." Jenna looked embarassed and amused at the same time. "I thought someone must have told you, or you must have figured it out by now. . . Oh Jess. . ." she giggled a bit. Jess uncomfortably moved his hand. His head was killing him. He was sure this wasn't how this was supposed to happen.
"What?" he asked, gruff and annoyed.
"I'm gay, Jess. I thought you knew. Everyone knows."
"You're. . . you're what?"
"I'm gay," she said, slower this time, annunciating the syllables.
"But you. . . why. . . us. . ."
"Look, um," Jenna said, more uncomfortable this time. "Why don't you stay over? You can sleep here and then tomorrow when you're more. . . coherent we can talk." Jenna stood up. Jess was ready to protest, but then he realized that all he really wanted was to sleep this off. He lay down across the couch and grunted an "mmkay" at Jenna. She shook her head and smiled at him and then disappeared into her room.
When Jess woke up the next morning, all he could feel was the insane headache. He felt the light boring into his eyes before he even opened them. And that dream. That weird, weird dream about Jenna being gay and him sleeping at her house. . .
He opened his eyes and looked around the room. This wasn't his room. It was Jenna's living room. He remembered it from his dream. Which, he was beginning to realize, hadn't been a dream at all. He sat up and was suddenly blinded by his headache. As his vision began to return, he looked around the room and saw Jenna coming out of the kitchen with one of her hands cupped and the other holding a glass of water.
"Here," she said, handing him the glass. She tipped her other hand into his and he saw that she had been carrying Advil. He swallowed them and then swung his legs down so that he was sitting upright on the couch.
"You want to talk?" she asked.
"About. . ."
"About how you're clueless?" she said, laughing. Jess looked away, embarassed.
"Oh, don't worry, I'm only teasing. Everyone else already knew, and I know I don't come off as gay."
"Yeah."
"Don't worry, I wasn't using you," she said. Then she thought for a moment. "Well, I guess in a way I kind of was. I suppose I could have told you, but I figured you wouldn't be as interested in getting to know me. And you interested me. And now we're friends, so it's OK, right?"
Jess looked at her. She was still an attractive girl, but he didn't understand what had driven him to act the way he had the night before. Alchohol. Now he remembered one of the reasons he had given it up. The other one slowly began to come back as well.
"Yeah, it's OK."
"Good. Now, I must ask another question."
"Sure," Jess said.
"Who is Rory?" The thought he had been trying to push out of his head suddenly came streaming back.
"How. . . how do you know about Rory?"
"Well, that was all you said in your sleep last night. You just kept calling Rory and saying, 'I'm sorry.'"
-----
Jess ran his finger along the binding of "Atlas Shrugged". He opened it and then closed it again without even looking at the words. He opened it to the front page. The blank one. "Kevin Grant" was written in perfect handwriting in black ink. The ink wasn't from a ballpoint pen, and the handwriting looked perfect not from effort but from instinct. Sheer practice of writing this name over and over again. Jess suspected that the copy he now held had belonged to an army man. He wasn't exactly sure why, but whenever he sat in this tree he would think about who Kevin Grant was, avoiding actually opening the book to a page with more than these two words written on it.
"Jess!"
Jess looked down to the ground from the branch where he was sitting to see Jenna standing on the lawn. She was wearing denim cutoffs, a No Doubt t- shirt, and black sunglasses perched on top of her head.
"Get down here!"
Jess waited a beat before obliging: he wasn't going to get anywhere in "Atlas Shrugged" today. He reached above him to grip a branch with one hand and swung himself down in one fluid movement. He landed flat on both feet like a cat.
"We're going clubbing!" Jenna said.
"What?" Jess asked, whining a bit.
"Clubbing! Look!" She reached into her pocket and whipped out a driver's licence.
"You can drive. . . big deal. . . so can I. . ."
"No, silly. Look!" Jess didn't take to being called silly, but instead of complaining about it he simply obliged and looked closer at the card that Jenna was holding up. The first thing he noticed was the name, Alison Daniels. Then he looked to the picture. The coloring was the same, but now that he looked, it was definitely not a picture of Jenna. He raised an eyebrow at her.
"It's my cousin's."
"I see."
"So we're going out drinking!"
"You and your cousin?"
"No, silly. You and me!"
"I don't think so."
"Why not?"
"I don't drink."
"Uh huh, sure you don't. What's with the badass look, then. Huh?"
Jess just shrugged.
"Come on, please?" Jess looked at Jenna. Her eyes were pleading. Jess thought for a moment. Jenna was his only friend in California. Not that he had ever depended on people. It was too risky. First Jimmy, or not even him, just the hope that he would maybe come back. He was a little late with that, and it wasn't as if they had a relationship now. Liz, God knows depending on her had been a lost cause. By the time he got to Luke, he was already too guarded to let anyone in. And then there was Rory. His reflexes demanded that he stop thinking about her, but he couldn't. Rory. He had let her in, and she had let him in too. And then he had let her down. No, it was too hard to disappoint people. He didn't even really care anymore what people thought of him.
But Jenna. . . she was so easy to please. It was a nice feeling, to make someone else happy, even if he knew that he had barely done anything at all. He liked it when he made people happy instead of disappointed all the time.
"What time?" he sighed. Jenna grinned happily.
"Ten?"
Jess went back to Jimmy's and went up to his room. He buried "Atlas" in one of his drawers. He grabbed a book off his shelf and buried himself in the story. He had thought too much about Rory for one day.
He wondered if he was being melodramatic. She had been his high school girlfriend. Had he really thought that they would be together forever? This day had been imminent, hadn't it? He wasn't so sure. . . Rory had been different from any other girl he had ever known. He had loved her, and she had loved him, as she had said in that quivering voice over the phone the day of her graduation. He supposed that somewhere in the back of his mind he had hoped that he and Rory could just go on being together forever.
That was all in the past now though. He felt like he couldn't get out of this funk he was in. It was over. He would never be with Rory. He had to move on, he knew it. He just. . . wasn't quite sure how to go about it was all. He had though that this whole becoming good for her idea had been smart, but maybe it just forced him to think about her more. Maybe the best idea would be to pretend he had never met her. To go back to his New York self. Not caring about anyone or anything. Pretending that all those things she had unconsciously taught him about friendship and about loving another person had never been taught. Starting tonight, with this clubbing idea with Jenna. He grabbed some jeans and a black t-shirt and dressed. He gelled his hair and then looked at his reflection. He saw his old self, and he wasn't happy.
At ten he drove by to pick up Jenna as he had promised. She got into the car and chatted mindlessly. He grunted periodically to make sure she knew that he was still alive.
The pair got in without any trouble. The bouncer didn't even ask Jess for I.D., no one ever had, and Jenna's cousin's I.D. got her in without a snag. Jess pulled Jenna over to the bar and ordered a beer.
"What do you want?" he asked Jenna.
"I want to dance!" she said.
"OK, go ahead."
"No! Come with me!"
"I don't dance."
"You could if you wanted to."
"Who says I want to?" The comment slid out of his mouth like oil, and then he regretted it immediately. It was something the old Jess would have said. 'But you are the old Jess,' he reminded himself. He watched as Jenna shrugged and then waltzed onto the dance floor to find someone else to dance with. He turned back to the bar and downed his first beer. He took in one beer after another, interspersing them with harder drinks until he felt so groggy he could barely tell where his feet were.
He got off the bar stool extremely ungracefully and looked out onto the dance floor. He saw Jenna dancing, her hands up in the air and her blond hair was whipping around her face. He walked up behind her and grabbed her waist, pressing his hips up against her butt and softly grinding against her. Jenna barely acknowledged that she was no longer dancing with herself. They danced until the song was over, and then Jenna turned her head up towards Jess'.
"You want to get out of here?" It wasn't the tone that Jess was used to. Usually by now the girl he was with was speaking with sex dripping from her words. He could tell just by looking at her that she wanted him and that was what made going slow so much more enjoyable. But Jenna was different. She didn't show any sign of wanting to jump into bed with him as soon as they left. No matter. Jess was sure that she would. And that was what he wanted. All he could think of was how much he craved contact with someone. Anyone. It didn't matter who.
"OK," Jess said, whispering huskily into Jenna's ear. Jenna spun out away from him and grabbed his hand, leading him out of the bar. He watched her back. She was wearing a light blue halter and he could see the outline of her breasts from behind, peeking out from the sides of the shirt, a mere suggestion of what lay beneath.
Jess hailed a cab and the two clamored in. "You gonna hang with me or do you want to go home?" Jenna asked.
'Smooth,' Jess thought,. "I'll come back with you," he said, just as casually as Jenna had spoken.
Jenna gave her address. They rode in silence. Jess was waiting to feel Jenna squirm as the others had when he wasn't all over them in the cab. It was the way he played the game. The cab ride was when he let them sweat.
They arrived at Jenna's house and Jess pulled a five out of his pocket and handed it to the driver. He followed Jenna out of the cab and into her house. Jenna unlocked the front door. "No one's home," she said.
'Convenient,' Jess thought to himself.
Jenna led Jess into the living room and told him to sit on the couch. He did so, and she disappeared. She returned a few moments later with a liter bottle of Coke and a family size bag of Lays. She reached for the remote and flipped on the T.V., turning it to late night game shows, and then she reached into the bag for a large handful of chips.
Maybe it was the grogginess and the fact that he could barely distinguish one object from another, but Jess was getting the feeling that this wasn't the way things usually went precoitus. He looked at Jenna as she munched on chips and washed them down with Cola.
"Thanks for leaving with me. I was just getting so tired of the same losers coming up behind me and feeling me up." She took another swig of Coke. "I don't mean you, of course. I like you."
Something was definitely wrong. Jenna was still clothed. She was eating. And she hadn't once touched him. Jess shifted uncomfortably. This was not the way he remembered situations like this. Were all those drinks messing with his memory?
"We're good together," Jenna continued, "We're going to be good friends, I can tell."
That was the moment where Jess realized that it wasn't just his memory. "Friends?" he asked.
"Yeah. What, you don't want to be my friend?" Jenna asked.
"No, I do, but. . ." Jess' words were getting jumbled. He couldn't remember what he usually said to get a girl in bed. Had it been so long since he had done this that his instincts were gone? He tried to clear his head. The lights in the room were piercing his temples and the man on the television sounded like he was screaming. Jess closed his eyes for a moment and then opened them, looking over to Jenna.
'She did that thing where you stretch and then you put your arm around the other person and then you sneeze and your hand falls.' Where was this coming from? Oh yeah, he had said it to Luke. He looked over to Jenna. It was worth a try. Jess yawned and stretched his arm, letting it fall loosely around Jenna's shoulders. Jenna's eyes didn't move from the television, but she said, "Are you tired?"
"Naw. . ." Jess said. He sat like that for a moment before moving into phase two. He faked a sneezed and allowed his hand to fall, his fingertips grazing Jenna's breast through her top. She looked down at his hand, and he shifted his gaze to the television. He could feel her eyes shift from his hand to his face. He didn't look at her.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
What was he doing? "I. . ."
"Oh. Oh Jess." Jenna looked embarassed and amused at the same time. "I thought someone must have told you, or you must have figured it out by now. . . Oh Jess. . ." she giggled a bit. Jess uncomfortably moved his hand. His head was killing him. He was sure this wasn't how this was supposed to happen.
"What?" he asked, gruff and annoyed.
"I'm gay, Jess. I thought you knew. Everyone knows."
"You're. . . you're what?"
"I'm gay," she said, slower this time, annunciating the syllables.
"But you. . . why. . . us. . ."
"Look, um," Jenna said, more uncomfortable this time. "Why don't you stay over? You can sleep here and then tomorrow when you're more. . . coherent we can talk." Jenna stood up. Jess was ready to protest, but then he realized that all he really wanted was to sleep this off. He lay down across the couch and grunted an "mmkay" at Jenna. She shook her head and smiled at him and then disappeared into her room.
When Jess woke up the next morning, all he could feel was the insane headache. He felt the light boring into his eyes before he even opened them. And that dream. That weird, weird dream about Jenna being gay and him sleeping at her house. . .
He opened his eyes and looked around the room. This wasn't his room. It was Jenna's living room. He remembered it from his dream. Which, he was beginning to realize, hadn't been a dream at all. He sat up and was suddenly blinded by his headache. As his vision began to return, he looked around the room and saw Jenna coming out of the kitchen with one of her hands cupped and the other holding a glass of water.
"Here," she said, handing him the glass. She tipped her other hand into his and he saw that she had been carrying Advil. He swallowed them and then swung his legs down so that he was sitting upright on the couch.
"You want to talk?" she asked.
"About. . ."
"About how you're clueless?" she said, laughing. Jess looked away, embarassed.
"Oh, don't worry, I'm only teasing. Everyone else already knew, and I know I don't come off as gay."
"Yeah."
"Don't worry, I wasn't using you," she said. Then she thought for a moment. "Well, I guess in a way I kind of was. I suppose I could have told you, but I figured you wouldn't be as interested in getting to know me. And you interested me. And now we're friends, so it's OK, right?"
Jess looked at her. She was still an attractive girl, but he didn't understand what had driven him to act the way he had the night before. Alchohol. Now he remembered one of the reasons he had given it up. The other one slowly began to come back as well.
"Yeah, it's OK."
"Good. Now, I must ask another question."
"Sure," Jess said.
"Who is Rory?" The thought he had been trying to push out of his head suddenly came streaming back.
"How. . . how do you know about Rory?"
"Well, that was all you said in your sleep last night. You just kept calling Rory and saying, 'I'm sorry.'"