Authors Note: Lucky readers you guys got an early chapter. I know some of you were wanting my stuff to be a bit longer but for me this particular fic is very emotional and I can only handle writing so much at one time, otherwise it gets to be too heavy. Anyways I hope you guys like this recent installment, I like all of them but then again I suppose I am slightly biased in that regard. A quick thanks to all my reviewers and then it will be on with the show! :)

froggy0319: as always thanks for reading all my stuff and promptly reviewing

XBlueShadowX: another evil grin well then I guess I will give you the evil eye in return -chasing you with hammer- WRITE!

achaon: well i am glad you liked my first chapter, not entirely sure how to take the rest of your review but i hope you like ch3

GuitarVixen: what are you doing reading my stuff you are supposed to be at that puter so I don't chase you with M.T. devices

kris345: thanks for the ego boost, all writers like to hear such praise and if they say otherwise they are just flat out lying

heartandy & Laveda27: glad you still like it and still wanna read it!

Katrina-Maru: yea! i won yippeee! sorry but no song snip its in this one, i got the last one while watching Love Actually. music is a huge part of my life so expect to see more snip its in the future! but can i have some cookies anyways and i'll share my grandma's homemade fudge!

As I lie here thinking, pondering my life. I have no idea where it is headed or where I want it to go for that matter. I am so utterly confused, I thought by writin,g things would become clearer but things seem to be even more clouded than they were before. Opening up old wounds that had since healed, or at least the bandages had begun to collect dust allowing me to think they were healed. The mind is a funny thing, it is almost like we all have another personality someone in the back of our minds that protects us, it allows us to block out painful memories. My life is in tailspin right now, now I am laughing at myself picking up his horrible pilot jargon, and I haven't the slightest idea how I even got to this point. Okay well that is a lie I know how I got here I bought this damn little black book and decided to fill its empty pages with the words of my life which are proving to be jumbled up confused thoughts from my subconscious that I wanted to remain buried there for all eternity. Damn there is that word again….eternity. I thought that by writing in here it would empty my mind of these memories and fill them away, sometimes I wish I could have had amnesia after we ejected in Russia but that wouldn't cover all the recent memories, then again if I had had amnesia then I wouldn't have these memories and feelings that I am struggling with right now.

Crying is a weakness in my book it always has been. Marines don't cry we are tough and we won't let our emotions run our lives like that, but I am also a woman which most people can't see, all they see is the ever stoic Marine. Part of me is grateful for the façade to hide behind, but at the same time it is burdensome since no one can seem to separate Mac the Marine from Sarah the woman. Perhaps I should rephrase that crying is a weakness, it is only a weakness if I am crying about myself. I have no problem shedding tears for friends like when Bud got injured in-country or when Harriet lost her baby….or when he left me to go flying…but even that last one is borderline crying over myself. I didn't want him to leave and it was hurting me and it made me cry, weak moment 213. I can't show anyone my tears if I cry, which I rarely allow myself too, if I do it is in the quiet, dark, and solitary confines of my apartment.

I should really stop listening to love songs and watching all these romantic movies all they do is make me sad, angry, and jealous. I am a desirable woman, even he said that once, and yet here I am middle-aged, completely and utterly alone. All the men that have ever meant something in my life have all died, left me, or I've driven them away in some capacity. I am beginning to think I am destined to live alone, a spinster. If it wasn't for the things I have done in my past and my desire to have children I would seriously consider joining the nunnery. Children…that brings lots of emotions to the forefront of my mind. I have hit the snooze button on my biological alarm clock one too many times, if I want a child so bad perhaps I should just go to a sperm bank and have one. Goodness knows that would be far easier than trying to find the right man to have a relationship with and then have a child together. Only I don't need to go and find anyone I already know, I have always known who I want to father my children. The finding is a replacement, the second string quarterback, since I most likely will never have the opportunity to have one with the love of my life.

Ahhh, Christmas is coming soon perhaps that is what I should get myself, yeah that would be real smart let's go get pregnant, be single mother in the military it would never work. If only things could just go my way for once, just once so I could have a chance at living a happy life. It appears instead that this is what I am destined for so perhaps it is time to stop complaining and make the best of it, go with the flow. If you can't have him in your life as a lover then at least be happy that he is in your life period. And now I will go cry myself to sleep, wake up in the morning sad and angry at myself for having such a weak moment and then feel guilty about it until I can finally bury it back deep into my subconscious never to be let out.