Author's Note: Sorry it is has been such a long time since my last update, on well any of my stories but between X-mas, finals, and medical stuff I've been busy. However, the good news for you is that I have it on doctor's orders not to do anything for the rest of the week which means no work and plenty of time to write so my goal is to get at least one update done a day. This chapter wasn't my favorite one to write, but I needed to lay the framework down for the next chapters, but I hope you all read it, review it, and most importantly ENJOY!

Thanks to all those who reviewed the last installment:

Starryeyes10, Dusk Jane (sorry it made you sad this one might too, but glad you loved it), XBlueShadowX (Look see I wrote I wrote and so did you we are doing well aren't we :)), froggy0319 (sorry I made you cry, however I did warn you it was going to be angsty and for many of us I'm sure it hits a little too close to home I know it does for me since most of the stuff I have written about is my own personal feelings and what not), GuitarVixen (haven't seen any new postings in awhile –taps foot and waves finger), chris063 (glad you like it and the Marine thing is definitely true), and dansingwolf (sorry if the middle-age thing bugged you but I have found that most women even though they are in their mi-thirties are beginning to feel old and regretting certain things in their lives and some how Mac calling herself middle-age didn't seem to far-fetched).

Now on with the story…

I scheduled an appointment with my gynecologist earlier in the week, I wasn't really due for a check up for another 2 months or so but I needed to find out if I am even capable of carrying a child. I see no reason to go through all these emotions and hash out plans on getting with him if I cannot even carry a child….that would be utterly unfair to him. He deserves to be with a woman who can bear his children into the world, he is going to make such a wonderful father some day; unfortunately for me I will never be that woman for so many reasons the first would be that we are not even together nor does he see me as anything but a sister and the biggest reason of all is…perhaps the fact that the test results weren't good news. I have almost hit the snooze button for the last time and almost ruined my chances of ever conceiving, apparently my eggs are so aged I will be lucky to find a viable one in the bunch. My doctor said that if I ever want a child now is the time, no waiting I need to have the procedure done as soon as possible. She explained the pros and cons of in vitro fertilization, then she asked if I had someone in my life that would be willing to donate sperm or if I just wanted to use the anonymous donor bank. I told her I would think about it and get back to her, that was yesterday and the news has yet to sink in. The doctor scheduled another appointment for next Wednesday to begin the hormone shots that start the whole process, then a week after that I go in to have eggs removed, then 4 days after that the newly fertilized 8 celled embryos are implanted back in me. I guess on the bright-side of this is that my belated Christmas present might come true, however the doctor said that I have about 10 chance of having a egg viable enough to become fertilized. Now all I have to do is decide who the father is going to be. I know who I want, I know who I would like to ask but there is no way I could ask him to do something like this. I should just go to the bank after work and flip through the books looking for the right sperm for my egg, for my baby. The doctor said that I am going to be restricted from the time I start the shots till after the first 3 months to make sure I don't risk losing the baby, no lifting anything heavier than 5 pounds. I'm going to have to tell the Admiral, there is no choice around that he has to know so that I don't get sent TAD anywhere or asked to do anything that might jeopardize my chances of conceiving.

Do I tell him about it, what about Harriet, Bud, and everyone else should I tell them that I am unviable. Part of me thinks I should wait until after the 3 months are up just to be on the safe side, but then again having a few friends in my corner in case something goes wrong and the procedure fails would be nice too. I don't think I can go through this alone, Harriet would be the best source of information not only because of her child bearing experience but she could help prepare me for the worst, for having a miscarriage. How could I go through this without my best-friend in the world, my partner, my savior but I honestly don't know how, when, or if I even should tell him about it. I know on some level he cares about me and for me, but this might put the last bit of strain on our already delicate relationship that causes us to lose each other and I know that I can't handle that. I need him here, here in my life more than anything and if I tell him I would risk losing that forever. I'd rather have him with me in some capacity and not know than know and leave me. I'll just have to ask Harriet and the Admiral not to tell a soul about my newly discovered condition. I will just have to suck it up as we Marines do and go into this thing head-on. I will inform the Admiral of my intentions of having this procedure done and assure him that I will keep him posted as to what is going on and if I will need any extended leave.

God, I want to cry I am alone, I may never be able to have children, and I won't even be able to do it with the man I love……………perhaps I could tell him, we rarely keep secrets and he will probably know something is up and might even worry about me with the sick days I will have to take before and after the procedures. Ugh, I just don't know anymore my mind is jumbled into a million little pieces (like that scene in Willy Wonka with the candy bar) that is how I feel and I am merely hovering over life but not interacting with it. Calm down, Marine…I think I just need to go take a hot, steamy bath and relax these tense muscles of mine….I can think of a better way to have them relax with one of those massages of his….oh stop thinking like that. I need to get it into my head that I can't have him and he deserves someone that isn't broken the way I am. Broken, unviable, and practically infertile…I love him so much that I am willing to give up the idea of being with him just so that he can be with someone that is all the things I am not and can provide all things I am incapable of giving.