"Good. Now, I must ask another question."
"Sure," Jess said.
"Who is Rory?" The thought he had been trying to push out of his head suddenly came streaming back.
"How. . . how do you know about Rory?"
"Well, that was all you said in your sleep last night. You just kept calling Rory and saying, 'I'm sorry.'"
Jess' breath caught in his throat as he looked at Jenna. She was watching him, waiting for a response, obviously not noticing how much this hurt him to think about, to talk about. He had been avoiding thinking about Rory for so long that now hearing her name was like... he could use so many cliched metaphors. Like a long drink after a walk through the desert. Like a cool breeze in the middle of a hot day. But even that didn't describe the amazing feeling that coursed through his veins and floated over him as he heard her name. Rory. And when he'd said it, like chocolate in his mouth.
He wanted to tell Jenna this. He wanted to explain to her the extacy he felt now that he was letting himself remember her. The curves of her face, the color of her hair, of her eyes. Deprivation of her had finally taken its toll, and he craved Rory more than he ever had when they were together.
"No one," Jess said. He couldn't share this, could he? He never shared his feelings. It was a rule he lived by. Slowly, he felt the amazing feeling slip away, his severe hangover taking its place.
"I don't believe you. You don't have to tell me who she is, but I don't believe that she's no one."
"That's your right, I guess." What was he doing? The same thing he had always done, covering his real feelings with succinct sentences. Hiding. Always hiding behind sarcasm and his James Dean image.
"She was my girlfriend. Back home."
"In New York?"
Jess stalled for a moment. "No. In Connecticut."
"But you said... I thought you were from New York."
"I am. I've been living with my uncle in Connecticut for a while. My mom kicked me out."
"Why?"
"I did stupid shit."
"So then, why are you here?"
Jess could feel that this was going to be a conversation full of questions. He was about to tell the entire story. Was he ready for that? Maybe... maybe not. But laying everything on the table would help him see it from the outside, and Jenna wasn't going to judge, he could tell.
"He kicked me out."
"Why?"
"I failed my senior year and I wouldn't go back to Stars Hollow High and do it over."
"You? You failed out? I don't believe you."
"I just didn't care at all. I never went to school."
"So this is your second senior year? No wonder you have no senior pride."
"Yeah... I guess. I didn't have any senior pride at Stars Hollow either though."
"Stars Hollow? Is that where you lived?"
'Yeah, Stars Hollow, Connecticut."
"And that's where Rory lives."
"Yeah."
"So what happened with you two?"
"I screwed up."
"Mr. Vague."
"She's not like me. She's... she's... a nice girl. You know? First kiss at 16, I was only her second boyfriend, she was still a virgin..."
"Was? Jesus, Jess, you did screw up..."
"No, is. Is. She still is. She stopped me. I just wish I'd stopped myself is all."
"So then what happened? She dump you?"
"No. I... I left. I told Luke-"
"Your uncle?"
"Yeah. I told Luke I wasn't staying for another senior year and I got on a bus and came out here."
"So you dumped her?"
"No... no one dumped anyone. I didn't tell her I was leaving, and so when I left... we were still together I guess."
"So why aren't you together now?"
"I tried to call her... right after I got here... to apologize... but I just couldn't say anything. So she figured out it was me and went off on this rant. She... she told me..." she loved him. She had told him she loved him. But he couldn't tell Jenna that. "She told me that she was done with me. And that's that I guess."
"But you still love her."
Jess didn't say anything.
"You don't have to say so. I can tell. So why don't you just... I don't know, show up on her doorstep or something else. Be romantic. She'll take you back."
"I don't deserve her."
"What do you mean?"
"I... I keep trying to be better. I want to be good for her. But... I'll never be good enough. It wasn't meant to be."
"I disagree."
"Yeah, well what do you know? She was perfect. And I screwed it up. I deserve this. I deserve to be miserable."
"Jess."
"No. I don't even know why I told you all this. It's in the past. It's over. It's done." Jess grabbed his jacket and stormed out, slamming the door behind him. He walked quickly down the streets until he reached the beach.
He would cry right now if he hadn't given up crying when he was twelve. He didn't know where all the emotions were coming from. There were just too many to tell. Telling Jenna. Thinking about Rory. FInally vocalizing his fears of never deserving Rory...
"Jess..."
"Well, someone can't take a hint."
"Jess, I think... I think that you've changed since you got here. You're not as dark. Not as... breakfast club, you know?" She sat down on the sand next to him and rested her hand on his forearm. "Look, I understand that this is hard. I mean, I don't know how you feel, because frankly, I've never been in love. But... you have. You are. You're not going to fall out of love with her. It doesn't work that way. If you can fall out of love, it wasn't love to begin with." She gave him a half smile and then rose to leave. Jess watched the ocean. He hoped she was wrong about never falling out of love with Rory, because he didn't think he could take it to feel this shitty for the rest of his life.
"Sure," Jess said.
"Who is Rory?" The thought he had been trying to push out of his head suddenly came streaming back.
"How. . . how do you know about Rory?"
"Well, that was all you said in your sleep last night. You just kept calling Rory and saying, 'I'm sorry.'"
Jess' breath caught in his throat as he looked at Jenna. She was watching him, waiting for a response, obviously not noticing how much this hurt him to think about, to talk about. He had been avoiding thinking about Rory for so long that now hearing her name was like... he could use so many cliched metaphors. Like a long drink after a walk through the desert. Like a cool breeze in the middle of a hot day. But even that didn't describe the amazing feeling that coursed through his veins and floated over him as he heard her name. Rory. And when he'd said it, like chocolate in his mouth.
He wanted to tell Jenna this. He wanted to explain to her the extacy he felt now that he was letting himself remember her. The curves of her face, the color of her hair, of her eyes. Deprivation of her had finally taken its toll, and he craved Rory more than he ever had when they were together.
"No one," Jess said. He couldn't share this, could he? He never shared his feelings. It was a rule he lived by. Slowly, he felt the amazing feeling slip away, his severe hangover taking its place.
"I don't believe you. You don't have to tell me who she is, but I don't believe that she's no one."
"That's your right, I guess." What was he doing? The same thing he had always done, covering his real feelings with succinct sentences. Hiding. Always hiding behind sarcasm and his James Dean image.
"She was my girlfriend. Back home."
"In New York?"
Jess stalled for a moment. "No. In Connecticut."
"But you said... I thought you were from New York."
"I am. I've been living with my uncle in Connecticut for a while. My mom kicked me out."
"Why?"
"I did stupid shit."
"So then, why are you here?"
Jess could feel that this was going to be a conversation full of questions. He was about to tell the entire story. Was he ready for that? Maybe... maybe not. But laying everything on the table would help him see it from the outside, and Jenna wasn't going to judge, he could tell.
"He kicked me out."
"Why?"
"I failed my senior year and I wouldn't go back to Stars Hollow High and do it over."
"You? You failed out? I don't believe you."
"I just didn't care at all. I never went to school."
"So this is your second senior year? No wonder you have no senior pride."
"Yeah... I guess. I didn't have any senior pride at Stars Hollow either though."
"Stars Hollow? Is that where you lived?"
'Yeah, Stars Hollow, Connecticut."
"And that's where Rory lives."
"Yeah."
"So what happened with you two?"
"I screwed up."
"Mr. Vague."
"She's not like me. She's... she's... a nice girl. You know? First kiss at 16, I was only her second boyfriend, she was still a virgin..."
"Was? Jesus, Jess, you did screw up..."
"No, is. Is. She still is. She stopped me. I just wish I'd stopped myself is all."
"So then what happened? She dump you?"
"No. I... I left. I told Luke-"
"Your uncle?"
"Yeah. I told Luke I wasn't staying for another senior year and I got on a bus and came out here."
"So you dumped her?"
"No... no one dumped anyone. I didn't tell her I was leaving, and so when I left... we were still together I guess."
"So why aren't you together now?"
"I tried to call her... right after I got here... to apologize... but I just couldn't say anything. So she figured out it was me and went off on this rant. She... she told me..." she loved him. She had told him she loved him. But he couldn't tell Jenna that. "She told me that she was done with me. And that's that I guess."
"But you still love her."
Jess didn't say anything.
"You don't have to say so. I can tell. So why don't you just... I don't know, show up on her doorstep or something else. Be romantic. She'll take you back."
"I don't deserve her."
"What do you mean?"
"I... I keep trying to be better. I want to be good for her. But... I'll never be good enough. It wasn't meant to be."
"I disagree."
"Yeah, well what do you know? She was perfect. And I screwed it up. I deserve this. I deserve to be miserable."
"Jess."
"No. I don't even know why I told you all this. It's in the past. It's over. It's done." Jess grabbed his jacket and stormed out, slamming the door behind him. He walked quickly down the streets until he reached the beach.
He would cry right now if he hadn't given up crying when he was twelve. He didn't know where all the emotions were coming from. There were just too many to tell. Telling Jenna. Thinking about Rory. FInally vocalizing his fears of never deserving Rory...
"Jess..."
"Well, someone can't take a hint."
"Jess, I think... I think that you've changed since you got here. You're not as dark. Not as... breakfast club, you know?" She sat down on the sand next to him and rested her hand on his forearm. "Look, I understand that this is hard. I mean, I don't know how you feel, because frankly, I've never been in love. But... you have. You are. You're not going to fall out of love with her. It doesn't work that way. If you can fall out of love, it wasn't love to begin with." She gave him a half smile and then rose to leave. Jess watched the ocean. He hoped she was wrong about never falling out of love with Rory, because he didn't think he could take it to feel this shitty for the rest of his life.