Author's Note: First off I apologize for not updating as much last week as I promised I got carried away with New Year's and what not, but I hope you all had a wonderful holiday stretch! I also wanted to note to all readers that this fic has taken on a life of its own so I am not entirely sure where it is going, but if you have anything you'd like to see written in her journal let me know and I'll toss it around. Furthermore, I would mention that I am not middle-aged as a few reviewers suggested to, I recently turned 20 (well 3 months ago but you get the point) so if anyone over 30 has any comments of things they'd like to add let me know about your insight. Lastly, I would like to thank my reviewers you guys rock!

Tina Frank: Harm does need to be her poncho, but how many women can see clearly what is right in front of them? I hope good emotions are brought up, or at least thought provoking ones.

MarineJAG: Here is the next installment and I hope that I manage to keep you interested

LuvnYou: I will let you in on a little secret this "journal" fic is more like my own personal journal and my experiences just happen to be similar and she and myself like all women have a lot of the concerns/feelings that I choose to write about.

Anmaderoni: Just cuz I started one first doesn't mean anything and you should go ahead and write your take on it. Your's will be different from mine so I see no reason not to write!

BlueShadow: I will forgive you this time for missing my story, consider it a Christmas gift. Anyways, you are right I love the word utterly but I didn't use it in this one you got a reprieve from it. My fav. Word is Plethora I think that is the greatest. As always glad you reviewed and enjoyed it hope I keep up the good work.

Froggy0319: Honestly my goal is not to make you or anyone else cry, however I must admit that 90 of the time I do cry as I am writing these (read LuvnYou's line for explanation), what I want is to make people stop and think because I am sure that a lot of us feel the same way. You're welcome for the compliment, how could I not because you always read my stuff and review it you are very loyal THANK YOU!

GuitarVixen: See you finally wrote some new stuff I better go check it out! And I agree she should tell Harm. You like how I have managed to go through 6 Chapters without mentioning his name? That is skill right there, anyways thanks for the review!

MarianneValentine: Thanks for the review, I just started accepting the "anonymous" one's. Glad you are reading and enjoying my stuff please continue and if you stop enjoying it let me know.

Now one with the journal. As always read, review, and ENJOY!

Today is the anniversary of Eddie's death. That horrible day that he and I got into a car accident, the day I decided to turn my life around. It is strange to me how such an awful event as losing your best friend can turn into such a positive note in your life. I owe my life and where I am because of Eddie's death. Even though so many years have gone by there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about him on some level, whether directly or indirectly in my memories. To this day I still weep on the anniversary of that fateful night, I lay in bed with the lights out and weep. I used to cry out of sadness and anger, but gradually the tears turned into an expression of never-ending gratitude and although I miss him dearly I am still very happy for where that experience has led me in my life. I have made my share of mistakes and certainly have not lived the happiest of lives but somewhere along the way I realized and learned how to turn my misfortunes into a life that is so rewarding. It may not seem like it all the time and certainly not at the moment, but sometime soon it will be and that is what I will have waited for, worked so tirelessly for, and deserve.

I have to return to the infertility doctor tomorrow to begin the line of hormone shots. I have researched online all the information I could about in vitro, but I know it won't prepare me for the journey I am about to embark on…alone. I know that it is my decision to go through this alone and at any point I can change that…perhaps I should before I get all "hormonal". I can't even get through a day without thinking about him I see him everywhere even when he isn't around. I see his name in the hormones I've written, when I imagine the face of my child I see his blue eyes and silly grin there upon its face.

I am still debating on when to tell Harriet about what is going on, I realize that eventually everyone will know how could they miss a swollen belly? I figure with these shots of mine I am going to be a mess, a chemically imbalanced mess and it might be better off to have a friend, a female friend, in my corner. Someone to cover for me when I go insane, you know the kind of insanity women can plead to in a court of law when they commit a crime. Or even the morning sickness that will overcome me in the most unopportune moments. I guess I already knew the answer but needed some place to say them aloud, I'll call Harriet in the morning after my appointment and ask her to lunch.

I am going to have to find a man soon, a donor that is willing to give half of himself to me, to this child. My heart knows the answer, it always has and always will…but how to trick my mind into believing the impossible is another situation entirely.

If Eddie were here right now, he'd probably goad me into doing it, he'd say 'c'mon Mackenzie you some kind of wimp or something. You can't stand up to the man of your dreams then maybe he you don't deserve him.' However, if Eddie were here I'd be drunk, he'd be drunk and there would be no man of my dreams just empty beer bottles that mirror my life of empty promises. When I look back on Sydney I realize now that he never said never, but rather not yet. Why didn't I listen to the words he was saying, I interpreted them wrong and almost ruined my life forever. He has yet to break a promise to me, never left any empty promises in his wake nor would he and I ever be drunk together surrounded by empty beer bottles. I know he cares for me and about me, but to what extent is that "love" being given. If he could just give me some sort of sign, I wish men were like mood rings! At least then you could really tell what is going on inside those heads of theirs!

So rather than doing anything about it, I shall quietly close this partially filled book, light some candles and curl into bed and weep over the loss of life and the possibilities for life in the future. If only he could see me now…