Author's Note: Wow, I am surprised at the affect that my little fic is having on some of my readers, but do get me wrong I am glad and happy about it. I am writing this fic straight from my heart and bearing myself out in the open here. This fic in a way is my journal, my little black book. It is supposed to rain for the next days here in southern California so if my next chapter sounds dark and depressing that is why, weather impacts your moods greatly and moods affect your writing. Anyways as always I want to thank those of you, my loyal followers (I need to come up with a nickname for you like shakespeare's acting company was known as "All the King's Men" any suggestions let me know).
Valentine: Well Mac leaves the house in this one but I don't give a definitive answer as to where so go with it where you will. But thanks for the suggestion and I will keep that linker in mind.
Tina Frank: Did u get my threatening review? –evil grin- how is that for blackmail? Glad you still like it though.
Starryeyes: One of these days I am going to write something that knocks your socks off and you write a tirelessly long review, but for now thanks.
MarineJAG: For the record it was good babble and I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for giving me a little insight into a 30 year old's mind. I think you will really enjoy this chapter.
Snugglebug: You are a new review and thanks so much! : hope you still like it and continue to review.
GuitarVixen: Thank you soooo much for writing another BOB story, it was great I still think you should do the JAG vagina monologues that would make for a great hilarious story! Figured the mood ring would make you laugh, and not writing Harm's name is hard sometimes I have to double edit to make sure I didn't let it slip.
Froggy0319: Well ain't that funny I would have guessed from your screen name that you turned 19 in the year 03, shows you what I know. I am glad I am inspiring somebody, what kind did you get a black one, naturey, etc.? Yes, the hardest thing is to start, what makes it easier is to put your own personal touch into before you even start writing. I.E. take your favorite magazine and clip out pictures of different things that strike you as intresting or whatever then paste them randomly in different spots on the pages in the journal. This way if you find yourself with nothing to write you have a "prompt" the picture, this will begin rambling and rambling leads to thoughts, feelings, and by the time you are done for the day you will have got out what you wanted too but didn't know how.
XBlue: I agree with your assessment on mood rings entirely, mine always show black which is depressed and it is because my hands are so cold, but you still get the analogy. What song are you trying to use? And whose's POV? Let me know if I can be of any help or whatever.
Now enough of the housekeeping on with the show…ENJOY!
This is the first time I have let this journal out of the confines of my apartment and written "publicly" in it. As I sit here at this bench I wonder what will become of my life in 10 years or even 20. What will I have to show for it? I definitely have lots of interesting stories and experiences to share, but with whom will I share them. I would love to use them as ideas for bedtime stories for my children and later grandchildren. I would love to have the opportunity to sit down on the couch with a cup of hot chocolate, wrapped in a warm blanket in front of the fire with the other main character in my "adventures". I am beginning to think that it is time for me to settle down, especially if this in vitro works. I don't want to be a single mother, I know I could do it if I had too. But deep down inside I guess I am hoping that as soon as he finds out that I am pregnant he will sweep me up into his arms and say "I am going to take care of you 'our' child for now and for always". Most women would call that "trapping" your man. Get pregnant and make him marry you. I don't want to guilt him into this, I don't want to guilt him into loving a "partial" women. Yes I have all my parts intact, definetly still have the hormones but having a child is the epitome of womanhood. I realize that I nor should anyone else put such importance and significance into the act of giving birth to your genetic offspring but it is so much more than that. The bond that is forged between the mother and baby as well as the father is so special. I want to give my child everything that I never had, a loving home with two parents that aren't abusive and love each other with so much of their hearts that it is hard to see how they made room for anything else.
I spoke to Harriet today, I told her about the hormone shots, the in vitro…everything. She says that she and Bud will be there to support me in anyway I need 110, I appreciate the offer as well as the sentiment and I know that I will lean on them to a certain extent over the course of the next several months and for as long as I know them; however, they can't provide me with the one thing that I need, companionship…maybe that isn't the best word. Although I want a companion to share my life with I want someone who will stick by my side through thick and thin no matter what happens. I want someone that makes me feel ever more elated than a 1lb. of Godiva chocolate. Someone that when he looks in my eyes it is as though he sees right into my soul and the whole world disappears but the two of us. I realize that I am in love with the idea, the fantasy of love rather than the reality but at the moment I see no reason why not too. I don't have any plans on entering the dating world and have "real" love so I'd rather enjoy my fantasies. My fantasy wedding at the Annapolis church, the magnificent honeymoon in Italy, two kids and dog and a white picket fence. I want all of it, but then again what woman doesn't want those things. A woman may outwardly declare that she never wants to wed or have children, but deep down inside it is instinctual and in some capacity she desires it. Everyone has their reasons for making this declarations, I know I did. I was afraid that I would become like my father and hurt my children just as he had hurt me. I was also afraid that my marriage would turn into another failed relationship and that we would end up just as my parents had…wait I am still afraid of that one. I once said that all I want out of life is 'a good career, a good man, and comfortable shoes lots and lots of them'. Well I suppose 2 out of the 3 ain't bad well technically speaking it is 3 out of , I am just unwilling to admit that to anyone or anything with the exception of these lined pages which cannot tell anyone, yet the speak volumes.
I guess in a manner of speaking I have already come to the conclusion as to what I need to do, I just need to build up the necessary courage in order to do so. Like they say saying it is one thing, but doing it well that is another…a much more difficult other. Why is it that we women make things so difficult for ourselves? I remember when I was young before I was old enough to realize that my home life was falling apart around me, I had my life all planned out. I was going to get married at 22 after I graduated, I was going to have my first child, a boy, at 24, then another at 28, a girl. I was going to be a paleontologist and dig up dinosaurs in Montana, Wyoming and all across the world. It was to be the perfect life, then I had a reality check that came in the form of a beer bottle smashing to pieces next to my head after my father threw it at the wall aiming at my mother. Honestly, we women should stick together and stop being so vindictive towards one another we are all facing the same problems in one form or another and perhaps if we band together we might actually accomplish something. Oh well we shall remain like lionesses out of the hunt in order to survive. Life is a tough game, a tough gamble where there is no one right answer to anything, but several wrong ones that we all inevitably end up stepping on as if they were land mines and booby traps. The sad part is that most of the time we set those traps ourselves and forgot where we put them and left the map at home. Someday we will learn, someday I will learn and then someday I will be able to love the way I want too and be able to receive in the same capacity.