Author's Note: I'm not sure on how I feel about this chapter. I can't decide if it is excellent or if it sucks entirely. The jury is still out, until you review and tell me what you thought. Hopefully, it doesn't stink because then I would have let ya'll down. It might seem like I am repeating myself over and over again in this fic, and that is because to a certain extent I am. If you think about your own journals when you have a problem you keep coming back to it trying to come up with new solutions on fixing it or merely to vent. However, I do try to add new information or new emotions in to make it seem less reiteration-like. Anyways, quick thanks to my reviewers…nobody has come up with a nickname yet, any suggestions please share.
BlueShadow: What songs are u using? How many chapters have you done or is it mostly in the brainstorming stage still?
Froggy0319: I almost bought one at Barnes and Noble yesterday. I know which one I want, and I thought about it and I have decided to go back and get it. This fic will shortly be changing from less of my own feelings and emotions into more of Mac's and then I have no more outlet. Have you written in it yet?
MarineJAG: I thought that you might. I fear I didn't do as well with this chapter, but I guess I'll have to wait and see, huh? It is getting progressively harder to write this fic being 20 and not 30 sometimes I think I don't have the right perspective to be writing this fic. Hell I have no relationship experience whatsoever and here I am trying to fix theirs as accurately as possible. –sighs- writer's self doubts ah well.
Snugglebug: Glad you think I'm doing a good job! I think a lot of women can relate to this fic, and her emotions this is a woman fic for sure.
Starryeyes10: Well I guess I still haven't written that knock your socks off chapter yet guess its back to the drawing board.
TinaFrank: Double blackmail, that's great. And we will see about your request it may happen and if it does it might not be too soon a woman must find herself before she can attempt to deal with anyone else in their lives.
Mag59: A new reviewer YEA! No I haven't heard that song, but I will sure to look it up. I will need to have it translated too because I don't understand any French. Yes, they are my thoughts I have nothing else with which to go by so might as well have those than none at all. It's rough to be a 20 year old virgin, with barely any dating experience whatsoever and no impending offers. I'm not unattractive and I am definitely smart and have a great personality. C'mon I am 5'6", thin, blond hair green eyes, nice abs, great long legs, and a great ass but alas I have only fantasy rather than reality with which to base any of this on. Great news about your clock, you are lucky. And why does it have to be the epitome of womanhood am I just not old enough to understand that or what?
"Anybody find me somebody to love…I spend all my years believing in you…I work hard everyday of my life, I work till I ache in my bones…Till tears run down my eyes, please anybody find me somebody to love…Never wanna fly,Never wanna leave, Never wanna say what you mean to me…You're the best thing about me…You are so close where you and I begin…"When I look back on my life I can hardly think of a memory, a meaningful memory, I am unable to find one that he is not in. Sure I have a few nice ones from my childhood and growing up, but not many. Everything important in my life has happened in the last few years, just short of a decade. I love him…there I have said it…I LOVE HIM!!! Yes, I realize I have yet to write his name down and just now I have refrained from using it but it doesn't make the words any less important or special. I find freedom and solace in his eyes he is my somebody to love and I believe in him so much it is ascertainable for someone on the outside looking in to understand. As much as we know about each other it is ironic on how well we "don't" know each other. If we did then we might be together right now and I would be having any qualms about who is going to father my baby. Instead, I have yet to draw up enough strength to even muster a conversation with him. He is probably thinking I am pushing him away again, which is far from my attention but I am afraid if we sat down to talk the first words out of my mouth would be asking for a donation for the "Impregnate Sarah Mackenzie" fund. I don't want it to be like this. Why is it that the things we plan for most in life are the ones that fall apart and cause the most amount of problems? I live on planning, on structure; I'm a marine for god's sake!
These hormones are making me well…hormonal. Harriet is being good to me right now and providing me with much amount of comfort. She has also volunteered to give me the dreaded "butt" shots since those can't be self-administered like the thigh ones or the suppositories. The price we pay for children and I haven't even gotten pregnant yet. I cut it close today; I went over there this evening to get my nightly shot on my way home from work. What I didn't realize was the he was coming over to work on a case with Bud that evening, my god that would have been frighteningly awkward. I need to tell him but how. How do you tell the man you love that you might never be able to bear children, his children? More importantly how do you tell him to move on, to find someone less…broken…defective…less of a woman? Why is it that in order to feel like a woman we have to have all our parts in working order and bear children? My corvette would still be a corvette even if it didn't have the symbol on it. It is like that line from Romeo and Juliet "What's in a name? That which we call a rose / By any other name would smell as sweet." I am still Sarah Mackenzie, a kick-ass marine and an attractive woman. Yet I am terrified to tell the man I love this? I am such a hypocrite I can't even accept or heed my own advice. Perhaps Harriet was right…perhaps I should make that trip and talk to him, he listens well and won't talk back…just listen. That is what I need right now is someone to just listen to me, to put their arm around me pull me in close and tight and tell me everything is going to be alright. He can't do that, but he can listen so I guess for now that will have to do.
DAMMIT! Fucking piece of shit ughhhhhhhhh! I hate this, I hate feeling like this! This damn book is making me pity myself! I don't do that rule number 1 in my book is no self-pity. Why can't I feel good about writing in this book, I haven't anyone to talk to about this and it is causing me to sit here and pity myself for being less of a woman than I was 5 years ago…………the bet…Damn how the hell did I wind up here. How did my life take this turn and why can't I get it back on track back to where I want it to go. That's it no more writing in this stupid thing until I talk to him, or rather reverberate to him. No more what if's time to take some chances time is running out, and I am fresh out of new starts…and men thinking that they are the superior sex…I want stories to tell my grandchildren and I am not going to get that by sitting here, hell I won't even have a chance to have a child let alone grandchild if I don't do something. I'm supposed to be 'First to storm the beaches, last to leave' and here I am retreating before the fight has even begun what kind of Marine am I. If I can't handle the trials and tribulations of my own life how can I handle it in my career, relationships, or somebody child. Time to soak in a bath, these shots are brusing my butt and thighs and my head is beginning to hurt from fighting back the tears for so long. Why can't I have reality, just this once? Why must I only have access to the fantasy?