Author's Note: Okay well I know I have let down my readers with that last chapter, but I think I have made it up with this one. Not only is it long, it is well-written and thought out. I think you will like this one. I am going to keep this short, but a quick thanks to my 4 reviewers –many thanks-
Froggy0319: Taking the plastic off doesn't count! C'mon girl you can do it. What do you have to lose by writing in it, nothing absolutely nothing. If it is incriminating then burn it, but get it off your chest don't let it sit there I promise you will start to feel better about everything. Life is too short and too busy to be worried about being embarrassed by anything, especially by writing in a journal there are far worse things to be embarrassed about like forgetting to pack any underwear on a trip to the mountains with no stores nearby or something.
Reni-Maniac: Quick question what was the inspiration for your screen name? Just wondering. Anyways I am glad you are still reading it and that no one has sent my pitchfork reviews!
Starryeyes10: Well I must have done something right with that last chapter because I got 2 extra words –hip hip hooray-. I think this might be one of those chapters where you will write more than 4 words but I shall wait and see. Lol
Mag59: Can't wait to hear, or rather read the song. What is the title in English? Totally right about the marine emotion thing, however, I have a lot of friends that are much like myself that are much like Mac in that regard. Haven't decided where in the show I want this story to be, and I am not sure if I want to count the 4 Solution stuff or not, we'll see.
When signs pop up in life it is better to heed them rather than ignoring them and plowing into them later down the road. This is one of those times when signs have been popping up for several years and I have finally caught up to them and I am running into them. I can't even go a day without writing in this damn book. I am addict to it, well that isn't the best choice of words, it is more of a desire to write a need to empty all these thoughts useless or otherwise from my head onto these blank lined pages that lie within this little black book. I need this soundboard to bounce of ideas, trivial to serious matters ideas that can't be used against me. I think that is one of our biggest problems here is that we are always looking for ammunition to stock pile to potentially use against others. We have no trust or compassion for our fellow man or woman, how did we end up like this? I can't remember a time when people gave a damn about others, about strangers. Horrible, dreadful things are going on all across the world right now and all I can seem to think about is my infertility problems and trying to get with the man I love. I don't see myself as being a self-absorb person, but I can't help thinking that in the grand scheme of things it is not entirely important. Yes it is important to me, because it is my deepest desire and it makes my heartache just to think about the possible failure of either.
Sometimes I can't help but think that there is a reason why I am having these infertility problems, as if to have nature trying to give me a sign that I am not meant to have children and therefore you are going to be incapable of doing so. However, I then think about my own mother or any mother who as abused or mistreated her child and nature thought it was okay for them to be fertile but not me…why? I can't wait for the cosmos to align themselves in order for everything to fall into place, just as I can't read my horoscope and say well today is going to be a bad day because the stars say so. We put too much importance into greater grander things, unearthly things, in order to prevent taking responsibility for ourselves or just out of fear…fear of not understanding something and why things happen the way they do. If life was mapped out for us at birth then things would make far more sense but they aren't. God did not sit down and decide that Hitler was going to come to power someday and kill 6 million Jews and nor did he declare that I was going to become a drunk and nearly throw my life away. We make our own choices, as do all animals in the kingdom, the only difference is that we are able to accept them and learn from the mistakes that come from those choices.
I had previously declared that I was not going to write in this book until after I had spoken to him about everything the impending pregnancy, the donor, the…us, but I haven't lived up to that and it is no one's fault but my own. I'm sitting here looking at his father's name carved into a wall, that represents so much, trying to draw out something…anything. I don't know what I expected to come from this little trip. It has become easier to leave the confines of my apartment with this journal of mine, perhaps that is what has come from this trip, the little things. The little things in life are of the greatest importance…the way he grins at me from the next office over, holds open the elevator door, or teases me about my coffee. 20 years from now those are things I am going to remember, the things I want to remember. For some reason we tend to remember and hold onto bad memories better than the good ones, perhaps because the bad ones hurt us so much that we can't forget or we don't want to let ourselves forget. I remember all the times my father threatened to hurt me, but I barely remember him sober making dinner after mom left. I remember the bad fights he and I have had, Sydney, the porch, JAG-a-Thon, there aren't too many bad ones but plenty of good ones and with him I seem to be able to remember the good ones better than the bad ones. I think that is how I know that he is the man for me, the only one, with anyone else I might not be able to do this, there is a reason that I remember and it is because I love him and on some level which is unknown to me I know he reciprocates that feeling.
I want to share the little things with him, the baby's first kick, the first time hearing the heartbeat, him talking to my swollen belly telling it a story about some great Naval aviator. The little things are all that really matter, when you are 60 you aren't going to remember all the people that cut you off on the freeway or took to long at the grocery store. It is time to slow down, and settle down (man these hormones must be working I am feeling that nesting urge, I'll have to mention that to Harriet). I know what I am going to do and I am going to do it first thing tomorrow, well not first thing but definitely tomorrow time is running out and when the clock stops chiming I want something to show for it, for my life.