Legolas and Haldir's Most Excellent Adventure

Authors: the Gruesome Twosome (you know who we are...;))
Betas: ourselves...
Rating: S for silliness or Pg-13
Pairings: Everyone and Haldir's ass...(makes pinching motion and kissy noises...)
Disclaimer: if we owned Bill and Ted or LOTR, we wouldn't be writing
fan fic...actually we probably would, only more of it, because we'd
be rich and have lots more free time...actually, I think we wouldn't because if we owned it…it would be called a SEQUEL…or PREQUEL if you are George Lucas…
Summary...: we are so making you guess...

"Get out of my telephone booth," Rufus ordered, standing up and looking down at the two Elves. They couldn't see his eyes, since he was still wearing those odd looking goggles, but his voice left no room for error - he was very, very angry.

"Out of your what?" Haldir asked, raising an eyebrow at the human.

"The box. Get out of the box."

"Oh." Haldir climbed out of the box, stepping on a very delicate part of Legolas' anatomy in the process.

"Oomph! Watch where you step, you overgrown warg!" Legolas cried, his voice more high pitched than usual. As soon as he was physically able, he followed Haldir out of the box.

"I cannot believe you let Bill and Ted die! Do you realize what you've done? Our entire universe will not be the same…how will I explain this to the Elders?" Rufus ranted, stalking back and forth in front of the two Elves, hands behind his back, stopping once in a while to shake his fist in Haldir and Legolas' general direction. "Without their music, the planets won't align, there won't be peace throughout the galaxy, and we'll have no music that we can dance to. How will we learn to be excellent to each other now?"

"All we want is to go home," Legolas said quietly. Tugging on Haldir's sleeve he said, "Tell him we want to go home, Haldir."

"Well, you can't go home, E.T. - not yet. Somebody has to create the rock band Wyld Stallyns, and in order to do that somebody has to pass a certain English assignment on Tolkien's Lord of the Rings, and since you've managed to get our best prospects killed in the first five minutes you met them, then YOU are hired!" Rufus yelled, quite out of breath by the time he finished.

"What's 'Lord of the Rings?" Haldir asked, cocking his head at Rufus.

"What's an "English?" Legolas asked, cocking his head at Rufus in the same direction as Haldir's.

"Please tell me you're kidding. You are kidding, right? You never heard of Lord of the Rings? I'm not even going to address the "what's English," question…" Rufus asked, staring hard at the two Elves. "Okay…okay…we'll have to start at the beginning, but we'll have to do this fast. Pay attention."

Rufus pulled out a small flat screen from somewhere on his person (Haldir would later insist that it was his ass, but Legolas could not confirm this), which left his hand and floated directly in front of Haldir and Legolas' faces.

"Sit down, boys…this is going to take roughly nine hours."

The strains of orchestra music came from the flat screen, and the opening credits of Fellowship of the Ring floated before their eyes.

"Oh, look…Hobbits!" Legolas said, immediately drawn in to the story.

Nine hours later, the two Elves, now quite well versed in the story of Lord of the Rings, were rolling about the ground guffawing.

"SNORT! You and a Dwarf! SNORT! A DWARF! SNORT!" Haldir roared, tears streaming down his face.

"ME? YOU DIED! SNORTSNORTSNORT!" Legolas screamed with laughter, holding his sides.

"Eh hem," Rufus politely cleared his throat, trying to get their attention. It didn't work, so he did the next best thing.

He kicked them both in the groins.

That did it.

When their screams reduced themselves to whimpers, Rufus looked at both of them. "This is what you're going to do. You are going to get in that box, return to Middle Earth, grab everyone on this list, and return here. You are then going to go to the San Dimas High School, put on a really cheesy show, ace the assignment, and form a rock band called "Wyld Stallyns." Then, and only then, can you go home for good. Do I make myself clear?"

"And if we say no?" Haldir asked, still cupping his groin.

"Have you ever heard of a crew cut?" Rufus asked, smiling evilly. "I can arrange to make sure you get one every week for the rest of your lives…which is forever, as I understand it." He waved a photo of a flat-topped Marine in front of Haldir and Legolas' eyes.

They screamed like little girls.

"Yes! Yes! Anything…please, not that!" Legolas yelled, gathering his golden locks in his hands protectively.

"Good, then we are agreed. Here's your list of LOTR characters, and your phonebook. The phonebook gives you the numbers to punch into that little silver box in there to direct you to the correct time and place to pick up the characters. Got it? You have twenty four hours."

Legolas and Haldir took the phonebook and the list from Rufus. "Oh, look, Haldir…we're on here…that's two already!" Legolas exclaimed happily.

"Aragorn, Galadriel, Gandalf," Haldir said, reading off names that were familiar to him.

"The clock is ticking, boys!" Rufus said impatiently, pointing to the silvery box.

Reluctantly, Legolas and Haldir climbed back into the box, Haldir being on the bottom this time. He frowned when he realized that Legolas was smiling at him, and just a little too happy to be on top.

Turning, Legolas punched a few numbers into the silver square of the telephone. Lightning flashed, and the two were once again screaming as the box flew through space taking them back to Middle Earth.