Legolas and Haldir's Most Excellent Adventure

Authors: the Gruesome Twosome (you know who we are...;))
Betas: ourselves...
Rating: S for silliness or Pg-13
Pairings: Everyone and Haldir's ass...(makes pinching motion and kissy noises...)
Disclaimer: if we owned Bill and Ted or LOTR, we wouldn't be writing
fan fic...actually we probably would, only more of it, because we'd
be rich and have lots more free time...actually, I think we wouldn't because if we owned it…it would be called a SEQUEL…or PREQUEL if you are George Lucas…
Summary...: we are so making you guess...

After landing and having figured out the door, Haldir stepped out first arguing with Legolas.

"Stupid twit! He did pull it out of his ass! Are you that blind?"

"I cannot honestly say yes or no to that…" Legolas replied as he looked around them.

Both suddenly screamed and scrambled back into the telephone booth, realizing they had landed in the midst of the Battle of Pelannor Fields, and that an oliphaunt trunk was heading straight towards them.

"Legolas, just like at Helm's Deep! Can't you do anything right," Haldir shouted pressing numbers wildly on the little black box.

Clutching each other tightly, they shut their eyes and screamed, waiting either for the box to move or the oliphaunt to smash the box. Feeling the sensation of the box flying through the air, they didn't know what to expect. When it landed once again with a soft thud, they both flung themselves out of the booth, and as far from each other as possible, Haldir a little leery of how touchy feely Legolas seemed to be getting. It was beginning to cross that line between good old-fashioned warrior camaraderie and just plain obscenity.

"Okay," Legolas said, whipping the list out of somewhere (Haldir would later insist it was his ass, and Legolas would not deny nor confirm this information). Angrily Haldir snatched it from his hand.

"Gimme that," Haldir hissed, now realizing exactly why Legolas had been feeling him up during the short trip. "Now," he cleared his throat, contemplating the paper, reading over the names as Legolas pouted. "First we need to figure out where we are…"

Both looked around the small green hilly landscape, Haldir scratching his silver head in confusion.

"Riiight, I don't recognize this place," Haldir said.

Sighing dramatically, Legolas shook his golden locks as he looked around, mumbling something about big stupid backwoods wardens that never traveled beyond their own little forests. Pointing to a small round wooden door in the hillside with a large sign on it, which read 'Bags End,' he smirked as Haldir smack himself for his stupidity.

"But Bilbo's name isn't on here, and anyway, isn't he supposed to still be in Rivendell?" Haldir held out the paper for Legolas to read, still holding tightly on it. Scanning the paper, Legolas read off Merry and Pippin's names and series of four characters, matching the one on the black box in the booth, next to them.

"NOT THEM!" Legolas groaned at the prospect of traveling with the two overly excitable hobbits. Having now seen the movie, Haldir agreed with Legolas.

Not noticing the gathering hobbits surrounding them, the two continued to bicker and argue over their next course of action.

"Pippin Took?" came a small voice next to them, startling both so that they practically jumped out of their boots.

"GAH!" they shrieked, finally looking at the munchkins gathered around them, resembling an all too familiar horror musical…

"You mentioned Pippin Took," repeated the hobbit. "He is staying with Frodo for a few days before returning to his home. They just arrived from a most exciting adventure…" Before he could continue both elves had rushed to Bags End, knocking frantically on the door. Appalled by their rude behavior, the hobbits dispersed, seeking more hospitable company.

Opening the door, Frodo's huge weepy eyes greeted them. After blinking twice, it dawned on the ring bearer just who stood before him, and he leapt at Legolas hugging him gladly.

"Legolas! We wondered what had happened to you after you disappeared from Helm's Deep!" Looking to Haldir, he continued. "And you brought … erm," he hesitated, not being able to place Haldir's face, "…a friend. How delightful!" He finished excitedly.

Haldir pouted at how quickly he had been forgotten, considering the two of them had met and traveled for quite awhile together in Lorien not a few months before. Legolas, a fake smile on his face, gingerly pulled the overly happy hobbit off him, setting his feet back on the ground.

"We are looking for Hairy and Pip-squeak," Haldir spoke up, finally getting his ruffled feathers to back down.

"Merry and Pippin," Legolas quickly followed, trying to cover Haldir's error, not that it mattered, as Frodo had run off to fetch the other two to come and see Legolas and his … friend.

The two elves back away as two tiny curly-headed hobbits came bounding from the back of the house, running into Legolas as one. Haldir smiled gleefully at Legolas' struggles to get the two off of him…

"Glad…to…see…you, too," Legolas strained under their enthusiastic hellos. Finally both returned to the floor and stared up at the big warden not recognizing, and deciding to not embarrass him with that fact, they ignored him.

"Why don't you two come in and sit awhile, drink some ale…" Frodo offered, smiling rather cheerfully at the prospect of entertaining the elves.

Legolas and Haldir shook their heads a little to quickly, Legolas growing a bit dizzy.

"Sorry, but we must decline," said Haldir, politely as he could, despite being ignored. "But, we would like to show you three something…" He turned and pointed at the telephone booth across the road, nestled in a grove of trees. The three little hobbits eyes grew as round as saucers, and were across the road in a flash, touching and peering at the curious contraption…

"Would you like to peek inside…" started Legolas. Before he could finish, Merry and Pippin began jumping up and down excitedly, bobbing their heads up down affirmatively. Frodo on the other hand, stared at it warily, considering the last time he'd gotten involved with a foreign object…namely a ring.

"I'd rather not," he replied, as Legolas ushered the other two inside. As the hobbits looked around in awe, Haldir and the prince shoved themselves inside.

"Wanna see how it works…" smiled Haldir fakely.

"Oh yes," replied Pippin.

"But don't you think it is a bit cramped in here," came Merry's muffled voice from behind Legolas, his face squished against the glass window.

"Oh, but we have to be in here to operate it," Legolas answered, grinning at Haldir.

Haldir pushed a few buttons, looking at the list next to Galadriel's name, as Legolas shut the door quickly.

Frodo, panicking as the machine began to rock and create strange lights, pounded on the glass door. Legolas waved goodbye to him, as Merry and Pippin's voice reached new heights in their screaming.

Frodo stood alone, a small burnt circle on the ground before him, his eyebrows singed and hair blown straight up. Looking around to see if anyone was watching him, he quietly made his way back to 'Bags End'. Packing a few things, the next day he traveled to the Grey Havens.