Legolas and Haldir's Most Excellent Adventure

Authors: the Gruesome Twosome (you know who we are...;))
Betas: ourselves...
Rating: S for silliness or Pg-13
Pairings: Everyone and Haldir's ass...(makes pinching motion and kissy noises...)
Disclaimer: if we owned Bill and Ted or LOTR, we wouldn't be writing
fan fic...actually we probably would, only more of it, because we'd
be rich and have lots more free time...actually, I think we wouldn't because if we owned it…it would be called a SEQUEL…or PREQUEL if you are George Lucas…
Summary...: we are so making you guess...

The five burst from the booth as soon as it landed, tumbling out in front of bustling pub inside a dark cavern.

"Alright! That is IT!" Haldir bellowed. "Stop grabbing my ass!" He glared at the other four, his eyes shifting from one to another, each grinning as he looked at him. When his eyes finally rested on Galadriel, he winked. She rolled her eyes instead of grinning.

"I definitely was not doing any such thing," she retorted haughtily, then muttered under her breath so that only Legolas could, "I was the one feeling up your elfhood." Legolas snorted as Haldir turned away, earning a withering look from the warden

"Come on, lets find the dwarf so we don't have to stay here long," Legolas said, jogging to catch up with Haldir. Dwarves paused occasionally, staring at the three elves and two hobbits, as they made their way to the underground pub. Galadriel stopped for a moment, staring up at the sign above her.

"Gimli's Bar and Grill?" The other's paused and looked back at her in question. None had bothered to read the sign, as it was in dwarvish and none could read it. As if on cue, a hairy redheaded dwarf rushed out of the pub, ramming straight into Legolas.

"Is that you, laddie!?" cried out the smelly dwarf, Legolas wrinkling his nose at what had to be the smell of burnt grease and stale mead.

Putting on his best smile, still a bit strained, he embraced his friend, trying not to gag on the smell. "It is I, Gimli. I see you have your own place now," he pointed to the sign. Gimli smiled proudly, puffing his chest out and stroking his beard.

"Aye lad, when I returned, I was so bored with jewel making. Then I realized that I had a skill, besides making jewelry, and decided to put it to use." He stopped talking when he finally saw Galadriel. "My Lady," he started, falling to his knees before her, awestruck that the beautiful elf queen stood at his door.

Galadriel smiled benevolently at him, thinking the entire time, "Eru…not him again…the pervy dwarf-stalker…"

"Mae govannen," she inclined her head toward him, trying to not get too near him, as his stench assailed her own nostrils.

The hobbits jumped at his back gleefully greeting the dwarf, causing him to lose balance and fall forward. "Arrrgh! You little ones!" He bellowed, struggling to stand back up. Finally standing up, he was greeted again with the hobbits engulfing him in their tiny arms.

"Gimli! You have a pub! Can we have a drink now, Haldir and Legolas?" They looked hopefully up at the two elves, still embracing the dwarf. Both thinking the same thing, Legolas and Haldir agreed, knowing that Gimli would never willing go with them, unless he was extremely drunk or passed out. Galadriel, opting to stay out of the noisy pub, waited outside, glaring with an evil eye at any who dared approach her, making them believe the stories about an elf witch.

After about two hours, two drunk hobbits came prancing out of the pub, followed by Legolas and Haldir dragging a singing and soused Gimli behind them.

"And let me tell you ye lads
Of a beautiful elf-maiden,
Who between her legs
Would not let me lay-den!"

He sang loudly, Galadriel glaring at him and his song, rightfully thinking that he sang about her. As the six of them squeezed back into the booth, he continued at the top of his lungs.

"Silver hair the color of stars,
I'd show her the pleasure
No elf could give her,
A special dwarven treasure!"

To her great relief, Haldir knocked the dwarf on the head with his fist, knocking him out. Galadriel looked down on him with disdain and disgust, as the dwarf was standing next to her, and now lean against her crotch.

"Whom do we have to find next," Pippin said, pulling the list out from somewhere (Galadriel swore it was from Gimli's ass, and did not want to know how it had gotten there, deciding that was a piece of his anatomy she did not want to think about...the hair, she shivered at the thought.) Legolas, not surprised, punched in the numbers that Pippin showed him, as the hobbit announced the next victim.

"Aragorn…" the rest of what he was going to say turning into a screaming as the booth shook violently, the sounds of electrical current surrounding them. Looking through the door, the occupants could see dwarves rushing them with axes just before they disappeared.

"Well," thought Haldir, Galadriel and the hobbits screaming in the background as the booth shot through space. "It can't get any smellier in here…"