Legolas and Haldir's Most Excellent Adventure

Authors: the Gruesome Twosome (you know who we are...;))
Betas: ourselves...
Rating: S for silliness or Pg-13
Pairings: Everyone and Haldir's ass...(makes pinching motion and kissy noises...)
Disclaimer: if we owned Bill and Ted or LOTR, we wouldn't be writing
fan fic...actually we probably would, only more of it, because we'd
be rich and have lots more free time...actually, I think we wouldn't because if we owned it…it would be called a SEQUEL…or PREQUEL if you are George Lucas…
Summary...: we are so making you guess...

THUD.

The telephone booth once again landed with a bone-jolting bang, this time in the middle of what appeared to be Minas Tirith.

Haldir pulled the door open as fast as he could - which, since he was an Elf, was pretty darn fast - taking a huge gulp of clean, fresh air.

He was none-too-nicely pushed out of the booth by Legolas, who climbed out of the box, gulping air like a dying fish.

Galadriel followed suit, ripping the two Elves new ones in the process for being such gentlemen for leaving her in the booth with the Hobbits and the malodorous Dwarf. Gimli, by the way,
had woken up about halfway through their journey, and had spent those 45 seconds upchucking on Galadriel's shoes. Hence her really rotten mood.

The two Hobbits peeked timidly over the side of the booth, both fairly green from having their faces pressed up against Gimil's ass for the entire journey. Haldir and Legolas pulled them out of
the box, where they proceeded to kick Gimli in the groin. Well, they aimed for the groin, but, both still being quite drunk, as well as quite short, never made it past his ankles.

"Let's please get Aragorn, and get on with this, shall we?" Galadriel said, wiping her shoes off on the grass.

"Aye, Laddies! I've a fierce need to find a latrine…" Gimli added, holding himself and doing the potty dance.

Haldir and Legolas led the travelers down the broad expanse of courtyard and into the King's House. They marched up to the guards who stood at the entry to the Throne Room, and
demanded to see Aragorn.

"Who?" the guards asked, looking befuddled.

"Aragorn," Haldir replied.

"Estel," Legolas added.

"Stryder," Gimli explained.

"Ranger," Merry and Pippin said together.

"Oh, Eru's Bountiful Ass…" Galadriel muttered. She waved her arms, and the two guards vanished in a cloud purple tinged smoke.

"Right…" Gimli whispered to Merry, "and she wants us to believe that there's no such thing as an Elf-Witch."

Ignoring the Dwarf, Galadriel marched past her four traveling companions right up the aisle of the throne room to where Aragorn, er…King Elessar, and her granddaughter, Arwen, sat on their cute, matching, just-married thrones.

"Galadriel?" Aragorn asked, raising an eyebrow at the disheveled, foul-smelling Elleth storming toward him.

"Grandma?" Arwen asked, "Haldir? Legolas? Merry? Pippin? Gimli?

"I think that about sums it up," Haldir mumbled, rolling his eyes.

"We need you to come with us, Aragorn…we need your help," Legolas said, pulling on his old friend's arm.

"I can't go anywhere right now, Legolas…I have a country to rule," Aragorn replied, shaking his head and pulling his arm away.

"What? You have to come…the fate of the universe rests on it!" Legolas insisted, pulling on his arm again.

"I…cannot…go…any…where!" Aragorn yelled, caught in a tug-of-war with his arm and Legolas.

"Wait just a cotton-pickin' minute there, yer Highness…ye mean to say that we," Gimli shouted, pointing at himself and the other four male travelers, "all risked our bloody necks puttin' you on
that throne, and now that we need you to help us, yer saying 'no?"

"Well...I have a duty to my people…my Queen…c'mon guys, cut me a break!" Aragorn retorted. He pulled out his scepter from somewhere on his person - Gimli would later swear that it was
from his ass, and, knowing Aragorn, everyone else agreed - waving it at the crowd.

Haldir, once again losing his famous temper, sucker punched Aragorn right in the middle of his hadn't-shaved-in-a-few-months-again kisser. He hoisted the Man up onto his shoulders, and turned around, walking back down the aisle.

Arwen just gaped at them, her jaw hanging down to her chest.

"Don't worry, dear…we'll have him back as good as new in no time. Say hello to your Ada for me…the shmuck," Galadriel called as she followed the others out of the King's House.

Returning to the telephone booth, Legolas shooed away several children who were throwing rocks at it. They helped Galadriel inside, followed by a still unconscious Aragorn, Gimli, and the
Hobbits.

Looking at the overflowing telephone booth, Haldir took a deep breath, held it, and squeezed himself inside. Legolas followed suit, pushing and shoving until he was fully inside the box and
able to close the door.

"Argh! Watch that elbow, Elf!" Gimli bellowed at Haldir.

"I have news for you Dwarf…that isn't my elbow!"

"ARGH!"

Legolas, still trying to hold his breath, said, "And who was it that said it couldn't possibly get any smellier in here? Sweet Eru, Aragorn...is there a water shortage in Minas Tirith? When was the last time you had a bath?"

Once again, the booth flew through the space-time continuum, hurtling toward their next destination.