Merry Christmas, Colonel Bastard - Proof That Revenge Is A Kind Of Wild Justice
Mission One - Of Limbos and Lovemaking
AN-Mmm, an uber-thanks to all of my reviewers thus far(last I checked it was a whopping 4, but if any more come after that, domo!), but I would like to ask that my reviewers please log in if they have an account, so I can properly do a review trade. Also, if you add to me your favorites list, can you leave in a review or something that you're doing so? There's nothing creepier than seeing someone you don't even recognize adding you to their 'list'...like the mob. ::shudder:: I know, I'm being unnecessarily picky when I should be bowing down on hands and knees to thank you for leaving such WONDERFUL reviews. ::gushes at the thought, they were utterly fantastic:: This is actually my first FMA fic, and I'm proud that it's being so excellently received. I was a little worried at first, but I think I'll finish this one now. Thanks for your inspiration!
-tiger-
(It's not as though I'm ADMITTING anything), Ed reflected, staring down at the narrow length of wood balanced between two posts grumpily.(I'm just thinking strategically, that's all. If I want to beat that bastard of a colonel...)
He swallowed and looked around hurriedly.
(...I might just have to reflect on the fact that I'm barely-noticable-maybe-possibly-only-a-scant-CENTIMETER!...shorter than him.)
The very thought caused a sporadic facial tic to arise, as the blonde teen glared at the limbo stick like the situation was all it's fault.
Completely disregarding the fact that it was Christmas as well as winter(seasons were only important when you were outdoors, and the subject of God was irrelevant to the Fullmetal Alchemist), Ed thought his idea to set up a limbo contest was quite clever. After all, there was no way he could lose. His slight, diminutive, positively MARGINAL shortcoming in height was a factor that worked to his advantage, but in addition to that, he'd been practicing the damn thing all day. He could sidle his way all the way down to the third bar, and let that smirking bastard try to top that!
It was a FRIENDLY contest, of course - he'd be quite clear in stressing that - in which the victor would have the authority to claim one favor from the loser, without complaint or refusal. Ooh, and that would be the grandest moment of Ed's life, where he would finally be able to bury his fist, consequence-free, into that smirking, superior face. A feeling as good as finding the Philosopher's Stone. No, wait...BETTER(if only slightly).
Unaware of how creepy his laughter sounded, Ed pushed open the doors to the great hall and strolled in, the picture of...well, of creepily laughing ease. The full personnel of the Eastern Branch HQ was there - Fury gushing over Black Hayate's Christmas ribbon, Breda trying to stay as far away from Fury as possible, Farman acting as a human shield between Breda and the dog, Havoc boasting to the librarian about how great he was, and Mustang and Hawkeye seemingly deep in conversation. Ed noticed not only the absence of Hughes(if he'd believed in God, he would've thanked him most graciously then), but also, suspiciously, the absence of Al. His brother wouldn't voluntarily disappear on his own, so Edward followed his backup course of action.
When in doubt, blame the taisa.
"Oi, Mustang!"he shouted, performing an admirable(given his height) jump over the beverage table and running to face his superior, not even aware that he'd already taken his traditional battle stance."Where's Al?!"
And - of course - the Colonel found the whole situation wonderfully entertaining."Had it occured to you that perhaps he stepped out on his own for a minute?"But his telltale smile gave away that this was indeed not the case, and it slowly faded under Ed's furious gaze."...He requested that I keep his destination hidden from you."
"What?!"Edward just barely refrained from grabbing the older man's collar and shaking him around in fury. After all, he might need his hands - if a bit of alchemical clapping was in order."Tell me where he went, now!"
Mustang spread his hands gracefully."I gave him my word."
Ed growled, wishing he hadn't left that limbo stick over in the corner so that he could beat the colonel into submission. (Wait a second...)A cheeky grin spread out on his face."How about this, taisa?"he asked, as politely as he could muster."I challenge you to a friendly contest...a FRIENDLY one, mind you..."
As the problematic teen darted off to make prepartions for their 'contest', Roy Mustang laughed on the inside.
Why yes, he would LOVE to participate in an event that would spell yet another bout of humiliation for the Fullmetal Alchemist; no, he didn't mind AT ALL that it was a somewhat unseasonable event for this time of year; and OF COURSE he would completely, utterly, and without retraction agree to the terms that were set out.
"You seem awfully happy about this, sir,"said Hawkeye in a low voice, not averting her eyes from the center of the room. Roy shrugged.
"Do I?"
"Yes, yes, you do."Riza was beginning to get suspicious."How are you planning to ruin that boy's life now?"Without looking at him, her eyes narrowed.
"Honestly, I'm offended, First Lieutenant. After all, he was the one who instigated this whole thing."
Hawkeye snorted."Childish. You're being childish."She turned to face him, face stern, but there was an unmistakable twinkle in her eye."Please go easy on him, sir."
"Don't I always?"Roy replied, with mock seriousness. The blonde woman's asperity suddenly turned to curiosity.
"It's true that if he wins, you're going to tell him where Alphonse went,"she conceded,"but what exactly do you have in store for him if he loses?"
"Oh, that?"Mustang emulated the air of one who hadn't thought at all about something so trivial, which - as everyone knows - little else had been occupying his thoughts."I think I'll take him to the 'closet'."
And as Hawkeye's jaw dropped open at the implications of such a thing - such an awful thing, and he would go so far as to do it to a CHILD - the Fullmetal Alchemist transmuted a glass into a megaphone and announced that the battle was on.
(Why's Hawkeye looked at me so sympathetically?)Edward wondered as he slid easily under the lowered bar.(I've got this thing in the bag.)
Although, he was forced to admit reluctantly, that the bastard of a colonel had done a pretty decent job of keeping up with him so far. Perhaps the man was one of those freakish double-jointed people who could bend themselves into pretzels without breaking a sweat. It didn't matter, though. Soon he would know the bitter taste of defeat - and Ed could find out where exactly that snake had sent his brother.
Click, went the bar as it lowered another level, and that annoying limbo music blared in the background. Havoc had insisted upon it, said it made the whole thing seem more 'appropriate', and had even donned some sort of ridiculous straw hat he'd picked up from somewhere. There were mixed bets on who would be the victor, but Ed honestly didn't care. It was a personal victory. He'd beat down that grinning idiot and never let him hear the end of it. Nothing could stop him.
Well, except for that nagging fact in the back of his brain that registered the information that...well, that Mustang HADN'T lost yet. And that - for the record - he was actually quite good at this limbo thing. Ed frowned. It wasn't something soldiers did in their off time, was it? He hoped not, it was at least something HE'D never considered doing, no matter how bored he got.
Instead of dwelling on that fact further, he instead chose to observe his opponent carefully, watch his moves, and see if there was some sort of trick to his skill. Maybe Mustang had arthritic knees or something.
Click. It was Ed's turn again, and he couldn't help but notice that if one truly wanted a glimpse at his pelvis or up his shirt, that the entire practice of limboing would certainly give them an ample look. He grumbled aloud and nearly clipped his head on the bar, blaming it on his moment's distraction, not on the fact that the bar was actually lowering to about the level where he'd fell during practice...
Click. Ed watched intently as Mustang flowed under the bar, making it look completely effortless. (How the hell does he do it?) Ed frowned to himself, trying to think of another reason besides 'he's cheating, what a scumbag!'.(It's like he's got rubber instead of bones; maybe Winry was right, and I should've drank my milk when I was younger...)
Click. Great. It was the fourth level to the bottom, so on the next turn - theoretically - he was toast. But first, he had to make it past this one. Ed tossed his head back and arched his spine, putting all of his effort into it... Whew. That single, random strand of his hair - the one that always seemed to stick up no matter what he did - grazed the top, but no one took notice of it. He stood up straight, radiating smugness. There was no way that pompous giant could go any lower than that.
"Watch carefully, Fullmetal,"Mustang advised, and of course Ed would - he'd watch the man LOSE, and remember it for the rest of his life. He ground his teeth together and leaned forward on his feet, eyes narrowing intently.
Then - the blonde choked in disbelief - Mustang seemed to fall backwards, like he was cut in half; no...he'd bent himself over BACKWARDS, that snarky bastard had, grabbing his own ankles and smirking openly, despite how ridiculous he looked! And was it just Ed, or was he getting that look that seemed reserved for a pretty girl in the dark of the bedroom, not for a gawky boy in the middle of a brightly lit room surrounded by a group of snickering soldiers? And who the hell had made the room so hot?!
Ed practically ripped off his coat in haste as the colonel easily passed underneath the bar and straightened up. When he turned to face the younger boy, the earlier look was gone - if it had ever BEEN there, Ed reminded himself - and was replaced with little more than a congenial smile. Click."Your turn,"was all he said.
Edward glared at all the laughing soldiers and strode purposefully towards the bar - and what was WITH that idiot colonel anyway, flashing him that hungry look while looking all sweaty and attractive?! - not even noticing as he stumbled plainly over it, crashing onto the floor.
"Edward-kun!"shouted Hawkeye, hurrying over to him."What happened?!"
"'WHAT HAPPENED'?!"Ed roared, sitting up and holding a hand to his throbbing head."I FELL, that's what happened!"The First Lieutenant's dangerous look quailed any further retorts, however."Uh...thanks for asking, though..."
A hand appeared in front of him."Are you all right?"Looking up, Edward noticed Mustang, trying unsuccessfully to hold back his smirk. Feeling quite volatile, Ed shoved his hand away and stood up.
"It's your fault,"he mumbled, brushing past the circle of people to pick up his jacket."Anyway, I lost,"he went on, carefully avoiding the others' eyes. What the hell had he been THINKING when he went over that limbo bar? Was he some sort of FREAK?!"Looks like I owe you a favor."
"That's right, I'd nearly forgotten,"agreed Mustang, trying (unsuccessfully, yet again) to look as though it hadn't been the only thing on his mind for the past half an hour."Oh, you'll want to leave your jacket,"he added, leading the way out of the great hall."It can get somewhat...stuffy...inside of the closet."
"C-Closet?"Ed gulped, feeling a new sense of dread pervade his senses. Farman's hurried prayer, as well as Fury's squeak of 'No, sir, can't you think of anything but THAT?', and Havoc's loss of the cigarette from his mouth only added to said feeling. But he was a man, wasn't he? He'd take whatever the colonel could dish out, and give it back tenfold some day.
Still...
"Oi, taisa,"he called, jogging to catch up with the man."How'd you manage to keep up with me? I've never heard anything around the office about this creepy flexibility."
Mustang gave him a slightly dubious look."You really want to know? Most people hate to hear it."
And a glance around the room confirmed this, as Fury blushed and Havoc seemed suddenly angry. Ed, however, wasn't about to be fazed."Yeah,"he said, nodding curtly. The colonel sighed and shrugged with his arms out, as if to say 'What can you do?', then bent his head.
Mustang's whispered comment to the teen made him blush and stammer awkwardly that he'd better not expect him to do anything like THAT, while Breda snickered into his beer and Hawkeye rolled her eyes.
As if to enforce Ed's statement, Black Hayate yipped fiercely as the two of them left the hall.
The 'closet' was indeed nothing more than that, albeit slightly smaller than a normal closet. It was located in the darkest, most secluded hallway on the basement floor, which gave Edward the impression that no matter how loud he screamed, no one up above would be able to hear him.
(That is), he considered, staring glumly at the taisa's back, (if I'm even going to be screaming at all...)
Upon which he flushed horribly and skidded on a patch of sodden concrete, nearly crashing into the door that Mustang had opened seemingly from out of nowhere. Shaking uncontrollably, he found himself looking at the wall, the floor, the doorknob - everywhere but the older man's face.
"Shaking, are you?"Ed felt himself nudged inside, into that terrible blackness."Don't worry, you gain a sort of numbness to it after the first couple of times."Then he heard the door begin to close. He had a moment to spin around and stare at the receding hallway, then Mustang shut the door and they were trapped in the dark.
There were the sounds of scuffling for a minute, then a muffled curse."Instead of just standing there, Fullmetal, why don't you help me find the light?"
Edward backed into the farthest corner and tried to avoid the colonel's fumbling hands."A-Ah, taisa..."He could barely make himself say the next part."I thought...I thought...you're-supposed-to-do-things-like-this-in-the-dark,"he said quickly, glad the lack of light hid his burning face.
Raucous laughter, and then: "Nonsense, Major Elric,"came the cheerful reply."I'd like to see your face."Upon which his palm smacked abruptly into said face, causing a string of curses to flow from Ed's mouth. At this point, the teen decided it was better to cooperate.
After a bit of trial-and-error - Ed's face felt fit to burst into flame - they finally located the pullstring, and light flooded into the cramped room. Blinking his brilliant golden eyes to adjust to the sudden difference, he found himself staring at Mustang's arrogant face."What?"he muttered, involuntarily backing into a shelf of boxes that - he now discovered - were the reason that the closet was so small to begin with.
"Well, you were so entertaining, Fullmetal - I almost forgot why we're here,"the colonel answered, reaching out for him. Ed grimaced and squinched his eyes shut - he would be a MAN, dammit, and handle it like one! - only to feel Mustang's arms slide OVER his head, and at the shelf behind him.
Ed's eyes fluttered open in shock, and he found himself staring at an impeccable blue field, complete with gold buttons - the colonel's uniform, seeing as how the teen's head barely reached his chest. Twisting around, he watched Mustang lift down one of the boxes(with a considerable effort, too; Ed wondered what was in them) and drop it on the floor unceremoniously."Well, here's your assignment,"he said, gesturing towards the box."Maes wouldn't get any work done if we left it up to him, but he seems to undergo some sort of unrecognizable medical fit if we just leave it alone, so..."
Ed frowned at the hanging sentence."So? What's in these boxes?"
"Alphonse went to spend the week with the Rockbell's."
"Hunh?"Edward's jaw dropped open."Wait...what do you mean...? Al's with WINRY?"
"He insisted that he needed a tune-up. No doubt by that lovely blonde girl who lives there."
The teen sank onto the floor, knees going to his chest."I don't get it,"he mumbled, feeling miserable."Why didn't he tell me?"
"You mean, 'why did he leave me behind'?"The Flame Alchemist's face was unreadable.
"Yes, 'why did he leave me behind'! He knows I don't do this whole Christmas thing...but still!"Ed's lip shook minutely."We ALWAYS ignored Christmas together!"
Mustang shrugged and opened the door."In exchange for your brother's whereabouts, you, in turn, have my strictest orders not to leave headquarters. I swore to your brother that I wouldn't say anything; it'll look bad on my record if you show up tomorrow at the Rockbell's red-faced and screaming."He paused before closing the door."Find some way to organize those items in the box. That's your end of the deal."He exhaled loudly."It's foolish to think that your blood relatives are your only family,"was all he said, before shutting the door behind him.
The new librarian looked up as a loud groan seemed to come from the very foundations of the building itself."W-What was that, Mr. Havoc?"she asked the handsome young blonde man who had kindly escorted her to this gathering.
Havoc laughed and chewed on his unlit cigarette thoughtfully."Mustang-taisa asked Elric to organize 'the box'."
But this explanation was more confusing, rather than enlightening."I don't understand. What's so awful about a box?"
"Alicia... Alicia... ALICIA!!!"Edward groaned, sifting through photograph after photograph of the girl. Photographs, strands of hair, her first bloody lost tooth...
After hours upon hours of such vile torture, Ed felt like he would have preferred the taisa's more common use for a dark, secluded closet.
AN-::dies:: I don't know why it took me so long to write this. Does everyone like it? I hope so. Because...::points back to first statement:: ...I died writing this for you. Ooh, what about the ending? Did everyone think the 'closet torture' was amusing? I swear to God, when I wrote the original draft, it was way more hilarious. But oh, well. I'm hungry. I'm gonna go make a sandwich.
Ch. 3:Of Mistletoe and Mishaps!
"Well, Ed realized, staring at that cloud of dark hair, it could have been worse.
He could've been stuck under the mistletoe with Armstrong."
::giggles:: Ja!
-tiger-