Legolas and Haldir's Most Excellent Adventure

Authors: the Gruesome Twosome (you know who we are...;))
Betas: ourselves...
Rating: S for silliness or Pg-13
Pairings: Everyone and Haldir's ass...(makes pinching motion and kissy noises...)
Disclaimer: if we owned Bill and Ted or LOTR, we wouldn't be writing
fan fic...actually we probably would, only more of it, because we'd
be rich and have lots more free time...actually, I think we wouldn't because if we owned it…it would be called a SEQUEL…or PREQUEL if you are George Lucas…
Summary...: we are so making you guess...

The booth landed with a thwack on a hard rocky surface. As the door opened, the seven members of this new and strange Fellowship fell out, a tangle of limbs and curses.

"Aragorn, get your hand off my ASS!!!!" Screeched Haldir…

"Haldir…" Galadriel pinched the bridge of her nose in irritation, trying to hold on to her last thread of patience, being the only female on the list and member of this group. "Haldir, we are in a tiny enclosed space, trying to fit Eru knows how many people into a one-person-only-limit box. THEY CAN'T HELP TOUCHING YOUR ASS! GET OVER YOURSELF!" Galadriel shrieked, getting spittle all over her stunned March Warden. She quickly turned to Gimli whose face had lit up excitedly, "Don't even try it dwarf-boy, you're standing on the other side of the booth next time…"

Regaining her composure, Galadriel brushed herself off and took a good look around. "Uh oh guys, anyone know where we are?" All stopped their bickering and did a turn-about gazing around the desolate and rocky landscape. It was very cold, and very dark. Somewhere in the background they could here the steady drip of water echoing through area.

Aragorn pulled out the list from his front pocket and tried to peer at it in the absence of light. Legolas rolled his eyes and grabbed it from him, also trying to read it. Blinking a couple times, he soon realized that he couldn't do it either.

"Oh, Eru's Giant Balls," muttered Galadriel, snapping her fingers and creating a floating ball of light. Aragorn looked up at his grandmother-in-law wondering just how much she knew about Eru's anatomy. –More than you'll ever guess.- He jumped, as she entered his mind, horrified by the thought of her….ew, he shivered. She smiled evilly at him, and he wondered exactly how much Arwen took after Celebrian's side of the family.

"GAH!" screamed Legolas when he'd finally read the name, dropping the list into a puddle of water. "Oh, shit," he cursed, picking the soaked paper out of the murky water by his finger and thumb on the only dry corner.

"Legolas! Were you raised by an orc," Haldir snatched the list away, patting it dry with his sleeve. "So…princy boy, who was the last person on the list…" he sneered, the muddy water had completely obliterated the list.

Before Legolas could answer, everyone froze as the out of tune notes of a song floated to their ears.

"Oh fisssshessss, sssso nice and ssslimy,
I likessss fissshessss…
Ssssso nice and ssssquissshy…"

"Uh oh," whispered the hobbits, each one clinging to Haldir's legs, as the song grew louder.

"I don't like the sound of this," whispered Gimli, peeking from behind Legolas.

Suddenly the singing stopped and two weak voices were heard. The sound of shuffling feet followed quickly behind.

"Everyone, stand ready for whatever is coming," growled Aragorn, holding his…scepter ready, having not brought his sword.

"I caughtsssss usssss…golem…a nice fissshesssss for…golem…sssssupper, my precioussssss," came a familiar voice.

"Oh, not him," whimpered Merry, his knees knocking audibly.

"Gollum! Please! I am not your precious," cried out a frustrated and slimy voice, also quite familiar.

"You sssstill are not over him leaving you, are you Grima…" Gollum's voice sounded dejected. "I can be more of a man for you…golem…golem."

Haldir whirled around to face Legolas, "Who EXACTLY was the next person on the list," he hissed.

Legolas gulped nervously before answering, "Grima…" Haldir tapped his foot impatiently, as all eyes turned to the prince, expectantly waiting his answer. "And Gollum," he quickly said under his breath.

"Uh, excuse, I didn't quite catch that last part…"

"GOLLUM!!! GOLLUM AND GRIMA!!!!" Legolas shouted angrily as loudly as he could, his voice reverberating off the stonewalls of the cavern.

When the echo finally died down, the two voices had stopped, and everyone turned around in shock to see who stood behind them. Two wimpy figures stood in front of them, two very wimpy and extremely pitiful figures.

Gollum's huge eyes were watery, looking as though he might cry at any moment, and he clutched his still twitching fish to his chest as if it were teddy bear. All too soon, the cave was filled with the strangled sobs of the deranged hobbit.

"Now look what you've done," shouted Grima. "You've made the poor thing cry!" He picked up Gollum, cuddling him against his chest and speaking soothing words into his ear. When his sob finally became little sniffles, Haldir cleared his throat.

"Ahem."

They ignored him.

"AHEM!" He said louder, making the pitiful duo jump. When they finally settled down, he spoke again. "You are coming with us…"

"Oh no wessss don't," spat out Gollum. "You knowsss what happened lassst time! I wassss burnt up by thossse sssstupid hobbitsessss." He crossed his arms defiantly, still cradled in Grima's arms, and turned his nose up in the air. "And they sssstole my birthday pressssent," he added hotly.

Her patience finally at an end, Galadriel started glowing and turning green, turning into Freaky Galadriel. The others all jumped back, as she seemed to be slightly more frightening than usual.

"GOLLUM and GRIMA! You are coming with us!" Her glowing eyes bore into them as they cowered before her, bobbing their heads up and down, quickly agreeing to come. Galadriel instantly turned back into Normal Galadriel. "Good, now GET into the BOX!" She pointed to the telephone booth, and the two shuffled into it.

The rest crammed in behind them. When Legolas was finally about to shut the door, the booth bulged slightly from all sides. Haldir nudged the number to return to Rufus with his nose, as Gollum pulled out a fish (which everyone swore was from his ass, and which Grima would later confirm gleefully, just to watch everyone turn green and nauseous), holding it up above his head right under Galadriel's nose.

"Snack, anyone," asked Gollum, suddenly drowned out by horrendous screaming, whether from the fish or booth, no one could be sure.