Legolas and Haldir's Most Excellent Adventure

Authors: the Gruesome Twosome (you know who we are...;))
Betas: ourselves...
Rating: S for silliness or Pg-13
Pairings: Everyone and Haldir's ass...(makes pinching motion and kissy noises...)
Disclaimer: if we owned Bill and Ted or LOTR, we wouldn't be writing
fan fic...actually we probably would, only more of it, because we'd
be rich and have lots more free time...actually, I think we wouldn't because if we owned it…it would be called a SEQUEL…or PREQUEL if you are George Lucas…
Summary...: we are so making you guess...

The booth landed with a huge crash on top of a lime green Yugo. Needless to say, there wasn't much left of the psuedo-automobile but a pile of crushed tin and few shards of broken glass.

Again the door of the telephone booth flew open, it's occupants clawing at each other in an effort to reach the fresh air outside. Galadriel, being the only one with more than one hormone, was
victorious, climbing over the bodies of her fellow travelers and stepping out onto what appeared to be a field of solid, hard, black dirt.

Grima and Gollum were next out, both flying through the air as Legolas and Haldir pitched them out of the booth. Not a pretty sight for Galadriel, who felt her eyes begin to bleed as she
watched the filthy, tattered diaper and the equally filthy, tattered leopard print loincloth sail over her head. They landed in a heap a few feet away from the booth, one on top of the other, a half
eaten fish in one of their hands.

Legolas and Haldir, having rid their groins of the two slimy hangers-on and vowing to have their Elfhoods removed at their first opportunity, climbed from the booth, followed by the two
Hobbits, Gimli, and Aragorn.

The group stood in the black field, looking at the oddly shaped horseless chariots scattered about. Their eyes drifted to an enormous building built of light and glass at the head of the field.
"S-A-N-D-I-M-A-S-M-A-L-L" Legolas read, his head hurting slightly from the effort.

"What do we do now?" Aragorn asked Haldir, flapping his arms, trying to air out his armpits a bit.

"First of all - STOP THAT!" Haldir roared, smacking at Aragorn's arms. 'You're making it worse! Secondly, I suppose we'll just have to go in there and see what it is…maybe Rufus is inside."

"What are they doing…" Merry asked Gimli, pulling on his sleeve and pointing at Grima and Gollum.

"EW! EW! EW, EW, EW!" Gimli shouted, doing the I-can't-believe-I'm-watching-this-it's-so-gross-but-I-can't-help-myself dance. "Grima! Gollum! Knock it off!"

"Don't lissten, my love…he'ss just jealoussss…" Gollum whispered to Grima.

"Mmmff," Grima answered, his mouth full of Gollumhood.

"Great Eru's Hairy Ass!" Galadriel exclaimed, covering her mouth with her hand. "I'm going to be sick!"

"Look out…she's gonna blow!" Haldir shouted, as they all scrambled away from the green Lady of Light.

"UGH! Did THAT come out of HER?" Legolas asked, covering his nose and mouth with his hand.

"Come on…we're running out of time!" Haldir said, tugging on Legolas' arm. He started off jogging toward the Mall, the other travelers running behind him, except for Gollum, who was trying to run but finding it difficult since Grima refused to let go of his Gollumhood, and was therefore dragging Grima alongside of him, while still holding on to his half-eaten fish.

Pausing before the enormous building, Haldir suddenly turned to Galadriel, who was still a bit green around the edges. "Milady…pardon me, but is that your hand upon my ass?"

"No…that would be me, " Legolas giggled, dodging Haldir's fist as it swung at his head.

"What is it with you and my ass?" Haldir roared.

"It's jiggly," Legolas replied.

"My ass is not jiggly!"

"Like a bowl full of jelly!" Legolas laughed.

"Really?" Pippin asked, raising an eyebrow at the big Silvan.

"NO! MY ASS IS NOT JIGGLY!" Haldir thundered, turning and stalking through the doors.

"See…I told you it jiggled…" Legolas smiled, as they watched Haldir's buttocks bounce their way into the Mall.

Stepping through the glass doors, the travelers found themselves inside a building like none they had ever seen. To begin with…it was huge…bigger even than Elrond's House, or the King's House in Minas Tirith. Secondly…it was full of people…vendors…and some very appetizing aromas.

"Let's split up and look for Rufus," Haldir suggested, receiving a nod from Legolas in agreement. "He's about this tall, human, middle aged, with dark hair in a tail in the back, and…"

"Haldir…" Legolas said.

"Not now Legolas…I'm in the middle of giving a description of Rufus so everyone will know him when they see him," Haldir said tersely. "Now…he's about this tall, human…"

"Haldir…" Legolas interrupted again, receiving a knock upside the head from Haldir for his trouble.

"What did I just say, Legolas? Why do keep interrupting me? What's so important?"

"I just thought you'd want to know that everyone else has already left, you big jackass!" Legolas yelled, holding the side of his head that Haldir had smacked.

"Oh." Haldir looked around, and realized Legolas was right…it was just the two of them still standing by the doors. Sighing, he shrugged his broad shoulders, and set off, calling "RUFUS!"
loudly at the top of his lungs.

Legolas set off in the opposite direction, calling "HALDIR!" at the top of his lungs. Pretty…but not very bright, you know.

After a few moments, Legolas forgot who he was searching for - even though he'd been searching for the wrong person anyway - when he caught sight of the "Leafy Green's Sporting Goods" store. Peeking in through the window, his eye fell upon the most beautiful bow he had ever seen hanging on the wall above the cash register.

Entering the store, he immediately went over to the wall, and to the cashier's consternation, ripped the bow from it's hanging place, turning it over in his hands.

"Sir…please…that can be dangerous…please put it down…"

Scanning the store around him, Legolas spotted what he was looking for near the back, in a glass case. He stalked to the back of the store, followed closely by the sputtering cashier, pulled out a hammer - the clerk would later swear to the police that it was from his ass, but the police discounted the clerk's testimony since he had failed the drug test - and flung it into the
glass display case. Reaching through the broken glass, he pulled out a handful of
shiny, new arrows, and their leather quiver.

"What are you going to do with those?" the shaking cashier asked, backing away from the wild eyed Elf.

"Target practice…here take this…" Legolas instructed the young, pimply faced kid, handing him the price tag that he ripped off the quiver, "…and stand over there. Put it in your mouth and turn
sideways…"

He couldn't understand why the kid ran screaming from the store.