Merry Christmas, Colonel Bastard - Proof That Revenge Is A Kind Of Wild Justice
Mission Two - Of Mistletoe and Mishaps
AN-OMG! ::spazzes:: 17 REVIEWS! WHOO! (Sorry.) Okay, so I know that HICB(my other fanfiction) has broke the 300 mark, but I'm pleased with this nonetheless. I didn't think it would be so well-received. Don't worry, this WILL be finished either before or ON Christmas. I've planned it this way. ...Hopefully. I hope everyone's having a great holiday season so far! What to look forward to in this chapter: 1.)a humorous accident involving mistletoe and 2.)a humorous accident involving mistletoe AND Major Armstrong. Ee! Don't run away yet! It'll be good, I swear! ::dodges grossed-out fans::
-tiger-
To be honest, Ed really didn't have much of an opinion on the subject of mistletoe. It was much like Christmas itself - using tradition as an excuse to get something you might not get during any other day of the year; in this case, a kiss from a jovial friend or a reluctant colleague. It wasn't something he paid attention to, really, he just took special care during the Christmases he spent searching for the Philosopher's Stone not to walk under a threshold at the same time as someone else.
What he was counting on, however, was that Colonel Mustang would NOT be so cautious.
Clap.
Sniggering to himself, Ed put the finishing touches on his master plan. For the record, he wasn't even sure how the mechanics of it worked - it was almost like the laws of equivalent exchange were null and void during the 'magic' of the season - but he was certain of the outcome, having tested it himself(and unfortunately, having to use Scieska from the library as bait).
It was simple, if you chose to ignore the fact that it was alchemically incorrect. When two people passed under the 'enchanted' mistletoe, the opposite sides of the door would contract, causing the hapless passerbys to be rendered immobile under the door until they completed the mistletoe tradition(which was actually it's own way of equivalent exchange, when one thought about it) and gave each other a kiss.
All it all, Ed deemed it a fitting payback for that bastard colonel, who had kept the entire headquarters up at night laughing to himself(until Hawkeye went in and threatened him with her handgun, upon which only a couple of quiet snickers could be heard after that). Not that the Fullmetal Alchemist got much sleep, anyway. He'd been too busy having nightmares about Alicia.
"Alicia-chan..."he groaned aloud, tormented by a sudden onslaught of images. He could've sworn that he'd actually seen pictures of the girl in her FUTURE, so many did Hughes have in that damnable closet. And speaking of that damnable closet...
Ed stiffened his spine and snorted stubbornly, feeling that telltale prickling start on his face."Arrrghhh!"he yelled, shaking his head furiously back and forth, as though that would dispel his blush rather than kill his brain cells."Kisama, kisama, KISAMA!!!"
He kicked at the wall and stomped from the hall, not noticing Hawkeye laughing behind her hand from the other side of the door.
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"I honestly think that Gracia's pregnant again,"Hughes was saying enthusiastically over the other end of the phone."Wouldn't that be great, Roy? I hope it's a boy, so we can play ball together and go fishing and..."
Clak. Then - Riiiiiiiing!
"Man, why's this connection so awful?"Hughes went on."We're right in Central, it shouldn't be this bad... Ah, anyway, Roy. Gracia keeps telling me that it's my imagination, but I KNOW these things, ya know; after all, I've got a father's instincts now..."
Clak. Not shortly thereafter - Riiiiiiing!
"Roy? Roy? I'm sort of getting the impression that you don't want to talk to me."Then Hughes laughed."Nah, that's ridiculous! Now, what was I saying...?"
"...Hughes?"
"Ah, you think I'm right, don't you Roy?"Mustang's eyebrow was twitching in irritation, but of course, Hughes couldn't see it."Why don't you come over and talk some sense into that Gracia of mine...? Ooh, but she'll be so beautiful once she gets starts to show again..."
"...Hughes."
"Eh, yeah?"
A second of silence, while Mustang pondered how to tell this to his friend gently. Then - "...WHAT IS THE POINT OF TAKING A VACATION WHEN YOU'RE JUST GOING TO CALL IN AT WORK ALL DAY LONG?!"
Clak. And this time, the phone didn't ring again. Mustang was sitting at his desk rubbing his assaulted ear when Hawkeye came in, looking uncommonly amused with something. And this in itself piqued the interest of the dark-haired man, for it was usually a whopper if it amused Hawkeye."Did something funny happen, First Lieutenant?"he asked calmly, refraining from rubbing his ear again. Damn Hughes.
"Nothing so funny,"she said, carefully trying not to smile."Just that Edward-kun is up to something again."
"Is he?"Roy smirked openly."Then it undoubtedly WILL be something entertaining, right? Feel like sharing?"
"...Not a chance,"replied Hawkeye smugly, taking her gun out of her pocket and starting to polish it, seemingly offhand. Roy sputtered.
"Wha - First Lieutenant - ?"He sighed in irritation."Then what was the point of telling me that he's up to no good in the first place?!"
"Oh, I just figured that I'd give you a heads-up,"the blonde woman said carelessly, observing that her gun had indeed reached it's optimum shine, and replacing it in her coat."After all,"she added, heading for the door...
"...It really is a lot more fun for us when he catches you off-guard, taisa."And Riza Hawkeye actually LAUGHED as she shut the door behind her.
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Edward took his vantage point by the door. So far, everything had fallen into place properly. Major Armstrong had returned from his family's house in the afternoon("Did Katherine say anything about me?"Havoc had inquired eagerly), and the rest of East HQ had assembled in the great hall as was proper for their second day of festivity. All the necessary components were there, now all Ed needed was a catalyst...
"Oi, taisa, can you come over here for a second?"Ed called politely, hoping that his smile was professional rather than devious."Oh, and Major Armstrong, too?"He thought hurriedly about recent military events."It's, uh, about that report I gave on Lior..."
The ploy seemed to work on Armstrong, who sparkled heavily(Ed shielded his eyes surreptitiously) and began to lumber over; however, Mustang was a bit slower in complying. (He doesn't KNOW, does he?)Ed wondered, scurrying out the door past the mistletoe.(I mean, he couldn't, could he?)
"Now, what is this about Lior, Edward Elric?"Armstrong inquired beside him. Ed couldn't even see him through all those sparkles; they seemed to intensify during the Christmas season. He tried to make out Armstrong's massive form - there, he was standing next to the wall inadvertantly illuminating a portrait of the Virgin Mary(how's that for irony, kids?) and waiting patiently...
Wait a minute! Wasn't he supposed to be stuck in the door?! Ed pushed past a puzzled major and looked around, spotting Mustang as he crossed under the threshold of the door, which was clearly dormant.
"Hold on!"he fumed, rushing up and grabbing the colonel by the collar."Why didn't you go through the door together?!"
The Flame Alchemist rolled his eyes."Did you really expect Major Armstrong and I to both fit through this narrow excuse for a door? If we had tried it, we would have gotten - "
And then there was the sensation of being pressed up against something firm as Ed's world turned(interestingly enough) blue.
" - stuck,"Mustang finished dryly, looking around at the situation as though he had expected nothing less(and, given that it was Edward, perhaps he was right in assuming this).
Ed slowly raised his head as though he were the victim in a horror film, as though facing the truth slowly would somehow bring less mortification than approaching it quickly. He chanced a look around, not even daring to breathe.
The blue had been the color of the colonel's uniform. And the firm thing he had been squished up against was none other than the colonel himself.
As they had both inadvertantly passed under the overhang at the same time, thus getting stuck in Edward's door trap.
Havoc's startled laughter was followed by him quickly choking on his own cigarette. Hawkeye looked stunned, and even Armstrong's sparkles had dimmed somewhat. Ed shook his head a few times, trying to calm himself.
Well, there had to be some sort of logical solution out of it. Ed had rigged this door himself, after all - surely he could dissemble it?
Until then, he'd be perfectly content with flailing his arms around in a (panic) rage, thank you very much.
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Some time later, Edward slumped against Mustang's chest, exhausted.
They'd tried everything - alchemy, physically breaking the door down, from even going so far as to detach Ed's automail in the hopes that he'd be able to squeeze out(and boy, had THAT hurt) - all in vain. The truth was, Ed had rigged the door good - TOO good, in fact.
And Ed was TIRED. Having his automail detached then reattached was draining as it were; he'd earlier tried every alchemical solution known to man in the hopes of freeing himself, had spazzed out for another half an hour, was lightly singed by the taisa as HE tried to burn the door down(though Ed suspected that he'd missed on purpose), and on top of it all, he was still trying to find a comfortable enough position to relax while the other military personnel tried to find a solution to this somewhat unusual problem.
Not as though Edward COULD be comfortable smashed between a door with the object of his loathing, but since he'd grabbed Mustang's collar in the instant before that damnable door had closed in on them, his own knuckles were digging into his throat and his feet were actually DANGLING several inches off the ground, causing his spine to arch painfully. He hoped some moron found a solution to this problem soon(completely ignoring the fact that it was HIS fault to begin with).
Hawkeye sighed in exasperation."Edward-kun, please don't make me shoot you,"she said, pulling her guns out of her coat."Just tell us how exactly you rigged this door, and what exactly the two of you have to do in order to be freed."
Mustang's staff had originally found the predicament to be hilarious, but as time wore late and no obvious solution(save Edward's hidden one) was in sight, the greater part of the headquarters had actually gone off to bed. Only Hawkeye and the ever-valiant Armstrong remained, Armstrong's sparkles giving off enough light in the dark so that the four of them could see.
"No way!"Ed refused stubbornly."The pain of bullets is nothing compared to the pain of having to admit this!!!"
Riza looked annoyed, but a sudden light seemed to dawn on Armstrong's face, nearly blinding the rest of his companions. "Come, First Lieutenant,"he said suddenly, taking her arm and leading her away from the other two men."You see, my family has passed down an incredible intuition through the generations, and something tells me that a situation like this will simply...resolve itself by morning."
Hawkeye blinked - had Armstrong just WINKED at her, or was that some sort of illusion created by his sparkles? She glanced back at Edward and the taisa, the former kicking his feet in the air in frustration, and the latter clearly resisting the urge to snap his fingers and incinerate the both of them.
And the first lieutenant found herself grinning broadly."Yes, I think you're right."
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"I wonder where Hawkeye and the Major went,"Ed mumbled, still squirming some ten minutes after they had gone."Maybe they figured out how to get us out of here?"He couldn't help the hope that shone on his face.
"Undoubtedly, they are asleep in their beds,"Mustang commented dryly,"which is - "here he shot a glare at the blonde" - where I would like to be as well."
"It's not my fault!"Ed protested, even though it clearly was. But hey, he had to say something.
Silence for a bit. Then - "Stop kicking me, Fullmetal."
"Then get out of my way, kuso taisa!"
Mustang smirked."Feet not quite reaching the ground, Fullmetal?"
"Who's so short and hanging that they're mistaken for a pinata?!"Ed hissed, glaring up into the older man's face."Besides, my back hurts."
"Well, since you're so determined to keep the key to our freedom a secret, I consider it fair penance,"Roy shrugged,"but if you're so driven on remaining this way for eternity, you'd probably be more comfortable if you put your hands down by your side."
"Can't,"Ed grunted in reply, trying again anyway.
Then Roy tried another tactic, which involved smirking and the words:"Around me, then."
It seemed to have the desired effect, since Edward twitched and howled as though he was bitten by something unseen."That's DISGUSTING, you pervy taisa!"he screamed in a rage, spittle actually flying from his mouth in all directions."It's bad enough that I'd have to KISS you to get out of here, what makes you think I'd do something like THAT?!"
Then came the most awkward silence of Edward Elric's life, as he absorbed what he had just said.
Mustang stared for a minute, then his eyes narrowed dangerously."You mean to tell me,"he said slowly,"that I've been trapped in a CONTRACTING MAGIC DOOR for THREE HOURS because you've been too HOMOPHOBIC to tell us the way OUT OF HERE...?"
"Well, when you put it that way, it does sound sorta ridiculous,"Ed grumbled, avoiding Mustang's eyes. He looked up hurriedly, then just as quickly looked away."I'm-not-going-anywhere-near-your-mouth,"he added hastily, feeling that infernal blush rising again.
And that damn man was LAUGHING; Ed could feel his chest shaking. Before he lost his nerve, the teen grabbed the Flame Alchemist's arm and shoved his sleeve up, brushing his lips against Mustang's wrist with lightning speed.
Yet nothing happened."Nothing happened,"said the colonel aloud, as if he needed to acknowledge this fact in order for it to be real.
"Equivalent exchange,"Ed said curtly."It would've been different if it was our mouths, but - no way."He shuddered at the thought.
"I see."Mustang examined Ed's wrist for a second, then let it drop."Like swallowing a chicken bone,"he alluded, then moved on the boy's ear.
"Hey, that's - ha ha ha!"Oh, did someone forget to mention to the colonel that Major Elric was TICKLISH? Maybe once, in passing. And was it really necessary to NIBBLE like that? Enh, probably not. It wasn't as though Ed, shaking with paroxyms of laughter, really cared anway. He blushed furiously and tried to ignore the strange feeling in the pit of his stomach.
After all, he realized, staring at that cloud of dark hair, the situation could have been a lot worse. He could have been stuck under the mistletoe with Armstrong.
Still, when the door finally opened back up and released the two of them, it didn't stop him from hitting the ground running, putting as much distance between himself and the taisa as he could manage.
AN::is snerking so hard she's falling out of her chair:: Kawaii, ne? I just have this mental image of Ed hitting the ground running. Ew, I'm so hungry now. I'm gonna go eat, and hopefully tomorrow I'll have a new chapter for all of you! A chapter a day keeps the doctor away! BTW, the new title for this story should just be "The let's watch as tigerofthewind tries to put Edward-kun into the most mortifying situations with Mustang-taisa under the pretense of a Christmas story Story". Oh, and can anyone imagine if someone got stuck under the mistletoe with Armstrong? Thatthe Evil.
Mission Three:Of Snowballs and Sneezes! "Ed turned eight different shades of red as he realized that the fire wasn't the only thing keeping him warm."
Stay tuned, kudasai! Arigatou!
-tiger-