Legolas and Haldir's Most Excellent Adventure

Authors: the Gruesome Twosome (you know who we are...;))
Betas: ourselves...
Rating: S for silliness or Pg-13
Pairings: Everyone and Haldir's ass...(makes pinching motion and kissy noises...)
Disclaimer: if we owned Bill and Ted or LOTR, we wouldn't be writing
fan fic...actually we probably would, only more of it, because we'd
be rich and have lots more free time...actually, I think we wouldn't because if we owned it…it would be called a SEQUEL…or PREQUEL if you are George Lucas…
Summary...: we are so making you guess...

Aragorn walked on in oblivion, passing by several stores before coming to a one with a wooden front decorated with red and white checked trim. Pausing for a moment, he gazed in wonder at the thousands of tiny bottles of sweet smelling potions. A woman in a green apron startled him.

She smiled enthusiastically, her bright white teeth gleaming in the fluorescent lights and accented by her ruby red lips. Entranced by her, Aragorn allowed her to lead him inside.

"Welcome to Bath and Body Works," the woman announced cheerfully. At the word bath, Aragorn paled considerably. "Are you shopping for some special woman?" She asked him, not noticing his change in demeanor as he realized this was some sort of women's shop, and they would not force him to bathe.

"Um, no…" he replied, watching out of the corner of his eye as Legolas ran down the indoor street, followed by some strange men in brown uniforms.

"Perhaps yourself then?" Aragorn jerked to face her fully, a bit shocked.

"What would I need with such potions?"

The woman wrinkled her nose slightly, since Aragorn's smell had not evaded her senses either. She had noticed that he resembled that actor Viggo from the Lord of the Rings movies, and that he smelled like he'd been wandering around the New Zealand wilderness for months…or shoved up a warg's ass –which all his friends had already decided was the case…-

"Well, um…" She held out to him a pale green bar of soap with little dark specks in it. "You could try this one. It has a very manly smell. Very rugged," she winked at him, trying not to be overcome by his stench.

"More manly than this?" He asked lifting his arm up. The woman paled as his scent wafted to her, nearly causing her to pass out.

"That is quite manly, but I think the ladies will like this one much better," she replied, once she dared to breathe again after he put his arm back down. Aragorn raised an eyebrow in interest at the 'ladies'.

Aragorn took the bar from her, peering at it from afar not wanting it to get too close to him. "S-A-N-D-L-E-W-O-O-D O-I-L A-N-D E-X-F-O-L-I-A-N-T…" He spelled out slowly, much to the annoyance of the woman. "What is 'exfoliant'?"

"It helps wash away the dead skin." She sighed heavily at his confused look. "Dead skin is what causes you to itch…" She nodded toward his hand that scratched his arm. Blushing he stopped and hid his arm behind him. "...And smell…" she added. He blushed again.

"But doesn't it hurt?" He asked innocently.

"What?" She asked him, a bit confused by his question. "Soap, bathing, itching?"

"Soap and bathing…"

"Uh…" she wasn't quite should how to answer that considering most people bathed. "No. Well, depends. Sometimes people have an allergic reaction to some of the ingredients in soap. But that can be easily remedied by stopping the use of that particular product."

The woman started getting a little anxious, as many of her other customers were holding their noses and looking at the man in disgust. She had to suppress a giggle when one person took one of the 'Try Me' bottles and spritzed him from behind with Razz-Ma-Tazz Berry Body Spray (with glitter). It was even harder when Aragorn had sniffed the air wondering what the smell was.

A group of her customers banded together in a corner of the store, each holding a different weapon. Looking at the back-scrubbers held like clubs, bars of soap like rocks to be thrown, and spritz bottles like mace, she quickly guided the man toward the entrance. "Here, this bar of soap is on us. A free sample, so you may try it to see if you like it."

"Really," he looked doubtfully at it.

"Yes, I insist…take it." She shoved it into his hands, and walked away only to be called back.

"What do I do with it?" She made a 'why me God' face and turned back to him, a huge saccharine smile on her lips.

"You wash with it…" she said sweetly.

"How do you do that?" He peered at the tiny writing on the back, the tip of his pink tongue sticking out the corner of his mouth as he concentrated.

"WITH WATER!" She shouted, losing her cool.

Stunned by her outburst, Aragorn looked up to see her glaring at him in away that reminded him of his grandmother-in-law. Quickly he left, only to be followed by a loud cheering sound. Turning around, he looked back to see all the customers standing at the entrance of the shop cheering loudly. Thinking that they were aware of his heroics, he gave them a courtly bow which was instantly followed by hysteric laughter. Confused, Aragorn returned to his search for…whatever. He really didn't know what he was supposed to be looking for. He just hoped he'd walk into one of the others soon.