Merry Christmas, Colonel Bastard - Proof That Revenge Is A Kind Of Wild Justice
Mission Three - Of Snowballs and Sneezes
AN-::giggles at LiveJournal posts:: These things always know how to get me in the mood for writing. These people are NUTS. But in a fun, wacky neighbor sort of way. So...::whistles:: 19 reviews, hunh? Come on, we can do better than that! We oughta at least break 25 with this! If I don't, I'm not gonna deliver on the saucy shounen-ai scenes previously promised! And I mean, really, why ELSE are you reading this fic? XD Not for the witty banter, I hope?
-tiger-
Edward had successfully avoided the colonel for two days after that dreadful mistletoe incident, and today's plan was no different. If everything went accordingly, he wouldn't have to face that bastard at all.
IF everything went accordingly.
Which, whether Ed was aware of it or not, didn't seem to be the case in regards to recent events.
Still, he sat atop the roof of the military building blissfully packing a pile of snow into a wall and stamping his feet to keep warm. It was the only downside to an otherwise brilliant plan - this freaking cold. Ed wasn't much of a cold person, both in body and in spirit. Maybe it was the whole half-metal thing, but it just seemed like the chill wore him down, physically and mentally.
As if to punctuate this point, he sneezed aloud.
But he wouldn't let it get him down. Quitting was for...well, quitters. Yeah. Besides, this latest trick was guaranteed success.
This was his plan summarized into points:
1.)At all costs, AVOID BEING SEEN. After his latest fiasco, he couldn't bear to see Mustang's face now knowing that the man had chewed on his - AH! No, no, he wouldn't think about it. And just so he didn't have to see that superior smirk, he'd set up his lovely wall atop the building that completely concealed him from view. Phase one, check.
2.)Just a couple of harmless - read:HARD AS ICE - snowballs waiting conviently on the roof next to him. Five or six in all. Just enough for pelting a certain annoying taisa into submission. And if he got knocked unconcious, Ed would just blame it on his excessive and somewhat extraneous alcohol consumption. Phase two, check.
3.)Well, that was sort of the end of his plan... But there were definitely other options he could take into consideration, like hopping down from the roof and stepping on Mustang's face just for fun. You never know. The night's possibilities were endless. Phase three(possibly), check.
As if on cue, the door to the great hall opened and none other than the Flame Alchemist stepped out, yawning and looking moderately bored. Ed clapped his hands over his mouth to cover his sniggering and leapt towards the edge of the roof, nearly knocking over his tediously-created wall as he did so.
Muffling another sneeze with his fist, the blonde looked down at his unsuspecting prey. While it was true that carnivores usually tended to attack the stragglers, Edward was somewhat of an optimist. No stumbling antelope was this, but the leader of the herd himself, fiercely proud yet weak with his arrogance.
(Oh, you can stand there looking all dashing and articulate with your pristine uniform, bastard taisa,)smirked Ed evilly to himself,(but we'll see who has the last laugh when I bash in your precious FACE with these over-sized ice bullets - uh, I mean, SNOWBALLS.)
When Ed heard Mustang's voice laughing up at him, he nearly fell off the roof. The presence of another voice, however, stopped him.
"It's...-night, no?"came a higher, prettier voice."...-for a stroll..."
And then, the low reply:"You're...-by comparison..."-then a sigh.
"...-Wrong?"
"...-Certain blonde subordinant-...-for Christmas..."
At this, Ed's ears perked up and he leaned over top his wall, confident that Mustang and his female escort wouldn't be able to see him. The teen recognized the woman with him as the librarian Havoc had been chatting with yesterday, an epiphany that would surely escalate Havoc's already-well-founded suspicions that the only women the taisa seemed to date were those the Second Lieutenant had an interest in. She was a pretty woman, in a plain sort of way, which surprised Ed. He'd always assumed that Mustang would be the type to go after an exotic, adventurous sort of beauty. Maybe it was just because of his name.
Ed strained to hear their conversation."A certain blonde subordinate?"the woman was asking."Well, I understand why he'd be upset, but..."
The rest of her words were drowned out(as was Mustang's reply, which made her color slightly) in a gust of wind. Thankfully, it also drowned out Ed's sneeze. He leaned over even further to catch the rest of their conversation.
"Well, what are you going to do?"the librarian was asking."He's only a kid."
Which made Ed twitch in anger, but he kept silent.
"There's only one thing to do with him when he's like this,"the dark-haired man informed her,"and that's - "
But he never got to finish his sentence, as Edward sneezed violently and felt his wall give way beneath him, crashing down between(but somehow MISSING ENTIRELY) the object of his loathing and Havoc's unsuspecting librarian.
It took Ed a moment to register what had happened. One minute he was on the roof, then there was a painful sensation of being jolted, and then he was surrounded by white. From above, he heard a muffled gasp.
"What on earth was THAT?"breathed the young woman."That was an awfully large chunk of snow that fell off the roof."
Ed held his breath, not daring to breathe. But the answer that came was smooth and unhesitant."These wind gusts are unusually strong. Perhaps we should head back inside?"
But the conversation after that was spoken in low voices, and Ed couldn't hear. He was entirely encased in his own snow wall, which had cowardly fallen atop him when he tumbled from the voice. What a GUTLESS pile of snow that was, such that it couldn't even stand upright when properly packed! He frowned at it, angry that it had fallen but relieved that it had landed on top of him, shielding him from the colonel's view.
Then there was the distinct sound of footsteps shuffling away, as well as a foreign snapping noise - had the librarian broken one of her heels, perhaps? - and Ed breathed a sigh of relief. Despite the fact that his plan had been foiled, at least he had come out of it unscathed. Well, his ass would hurt like hell tomorrow, and it felt like one of his rock-hard snowballs had landed on his head when he fell, but there were worse things. Like having to look up into a certain condescending, smirking face.
He sighed and set to waiting until the coast was clear, shivering slightly. He was moderately grumpy that his hard-earned ice balls weren't going to see any use(TODAY, he reminded himself, cheering a bit), and it was cold, too.
Or was it getting warmer? Yes, there was a definite feeling of warmth off to his right, near his leg. As a matter of fact, it was sort of growing to the point of uncomfortable, so he shifted his leg. Problem was, the feeling didn't subside.
Ed sneezed again, blowing a cloud of snow away from his face(but more importantly, his eyes.) It was probably then that he noticed his leg was on fire.
"AGHHH!"he shouted, dousing the contradictory flame in snow - except that now, he was noticing, there wasn't a lot of it LEFT - and struggling to get out of his makeshift igloo. He had managed to free his head and his metal limbs(you know, right arm and left leg?), when a hand snaked around his ankle, pulling him backwards.
There was an instant of blinding panic(just an instant, when he was reminded of the incident with Barry the Chopper), then he found himself soaked, shaking, and staring at a pair of familiar military-standard boots.
Oh, great. Just what Edward needed, a run in with King Smirk himself.
"I'll have you know,"Ed said loudly, forcing himself to stare at Mustang's face,"that there is a perfectly logical reason that I'm here."
He received a raised eyebrow in return. Still, he ploughed on, trying a different tactic."And who are you to be setting me on FIRE, anyway?! Here I was, trapped innocently in this pile of snow, and for some inhumane reason, you saw it fit to grill me like a steak!"
Ooh, not a good sign. Both of the taisa's eyebrows were now raised. But Ed wouldn't look away, he wouldn't give that bastard the satisfaction -
"Exactly how much trouble am I in?"he mumbled, looking away. And then he sneezed, as if to add insult to injury.
Mustang frowned, but not as though he was angry."What sort of idiocy were you taking part in now?"
"Nothing so major,"Ed fibbed hastily."Just some snowballs."
"Oh, you mean these?"Mustang picked up the one that had landed on Edward's head and threw it at the HQ building for demonstration. Whereas a normal snowball would have exploded upon contact, said snowball ricocheted off into a tree."Hmmmm,"was all he said, but as was typical, Ed began to overreact.
"Are you accusing me of something, hunh?!"he demanded, narrowing his eyes."I said it wasn't anything major, and now you're blowing it out of proportion!"(Mustang hid a smirk at this.)"And who did you say was so short that they're only good for rolling snowballs to be used as ice cubes?! I'll have you know - !"He was cut off abruptly as he sneezed again, futilely trying to huddle in his overcoat for warmth, which was as wet and as cold as he was.
Then he blinked as something warm and dark was thrown over his head - further investigation revealed it to be the colonel's coat, the one he wore over his uniform - and when Ed struggled to his feet, the owner of aforementioned coat was walking away. Grumbling and tugging the garment on(it was too long, and it smelled like cologne and charcoal), the young alchemist hurriedly trotted after him.
"Where are you GOING?"he asked, feeling as though somehow their business wasn't finished yet(though, was it ever?).
"Home,"the colonel replied pointedly, his tone and long strides implying that that too was where Fullmetal should be going.
In regards to this next portion of his life, Edward would later write it off to the effects of falling off a roof and having a snowball that was more akin to a baseball landing on your head. But the truth was, he was cold and miserable and lonely ever since Al left, and only the aloofness of the people around him had kept him acting normal. It was this random act of compassion that was what truly compelled him.
"Can I come with you?"he blurted out without thinking, stopping in the middle of the sidewalk.
Mustang turned around and regarded him with surprise - but only for an instant.
"I don't usually make a habit of taking in strays,"he admitted, smirking as he turned away,"but I think in this case, I'll make an exception."
--------------------------------------------
"Where's your date?"Edward asked politely, as he removed his shoes. He could do civil even if it killed him.
Mustang shrugged, removing his coat."She went home. She was a timid sort; I think nearly being crushed by a snowdrift was a bit too much for her."
"Are you saying that it's my fault you don't have anything to brag about to the office tomorrow?"
A smirk."Not at all."Then Mustang jerked his head in the direction of the living room."Go sit down, Fullmetal. I'll get coffee. And,"he added, looking disdainfully at the puddle of water that had formed where Edward stood,"a change of clothes."
The blonde meandered into the living room, rudely staring around at everything and nosing through the colonel's personal effects for a bit. He'd been expecting a ritzy sort of mansion(how well WERE colonel's paid, anyway?), but he sort of liked Mustang's sparsely furnished apartment better. It was messy and unremarkable, just like the man. He had to wonder what the ladies thought of it, though.
"I keep my diary in the desk drawer, if you were wondering,"Mustang commented dryly, entering just as Edward was poking through the books that were scattered on the floor. The teen snapped his head up and flushed guiltily.
"You'd checked out some books I'd wanted to read from the library,"he muttered.
"Well, some idiot seems to have dripped water all over them,"was the sarcastic reply."Get changed, and don't complain that the clothes are too big - they fit NORMAL people."
"Are you saying I'm small enough to wear a rubber band for a belt?"Edward asked, but with none of his usual fury. As a matter of fact, after he had exchanged his clothes for something drier and(though the undershirt hung to mid-thigh and he'd had to roll up the pants four times) helped himself to some of the freshly-brewed coffee(if it didn't kill you, it made you stronger), he actually felt quite good. Sleepy, and still slightly chilled, but definitely better.
The chill could be taken care of however, he saw as he reentered the living room, for it seemed as though the taisa had lit a fire while he was gone. Well, with a title like 'Flame Alchemist', it was only to be expected.
Mustang didn't even look up when Ed came in and sat in front of the fire(in fact, a bit too close for comfort, and he scooted back.) The elder alchemist was perusing a book thoughtfully - thoughtfully, but not exactly giving it his entire attention - a pair of reading glasses balanced on the bridge of his nose.
"I didn't know you wore glasses,"commented Ed lamely.
"It's not a fact I like to advertise,"the other man murmured distractedly, flipping a page."They make me look alarmingly old."He looked up then and smirked confidently."Though all the gorgeous women tell me that they suit me. Do you agree, Fullmetal?"
Ed turned eight different shades of red as he realized that the fire wasn't the only thing keeping him warm."Don't be a moron,"he muttered, grabbing the first book he saw and flipping it open to a random page."You look like a sniggering owl."
"Oh?"was all Mustang said to that before going back to whatever he was reading. Edward wasn't even really reading at all, rather glaring at the other occupant of the room with every ounce of animosity he could muster.
(What kind of idiot worries about appearances like that?)he complained inwardly.(Leave it to that bastard taisa to make a virtue out of necessity like that... Why even ask me about something like that at all? He KNOWS he looks like a walking sexsicle when he wears those!)
Just in time, Ed managed to prevent himself from falling backwards into the fire. What the hell was WRONG with him?! Why, in the name of logic, WHY? - couldn't he think like a normal teenager for once?! Oh, were his hormones out of whack. As soon as he got back to the dorm, he was gonna go next door and ask Havoc to borrow those girly magazines that the Second Lieutenant kept hidden under his bed.
Across the room, Mustang stood, replacing the book he had been reading on the table."Well, you truly ARE gifted, Fullmetal."
"Hunh?"Ed managed dumbly, snapping out of his disturbing reverie.
"Not only have you managed to charge through that insufferable self-help book that Charlotte left on my nightstand, you've also managed to do it...upside down."And he gestured, as if for emphasis, at the book that the blonde was, indeed, 'reading' upside down - then smirked royally.
"H-Hmph!"Ed snorted, but was quick to toss the offending book into a nearby chair.
"Perhaps you're in need of a pair of spectacles?"inquired Mustang politely, removing his and waving them around before putting them back on."Though I doubt you'll get many girls that way; they seem to associate glasses with social retardation at your age..."
"Shut UP,"Ed growled, knowing he was turning red but unable to help it."I left mine back in my room."
Now the colonel seemed truly interested."Is that why you're squinting at me?"
"No, that's just because I hate you,"the teen informed him."I'm GLARING, not SQUINTING."
"I see."Mustang started for the door."I don't MIND if you stay the night, Fullmetal, though you'll have to stay on the couch. I've an aversion to sharing to my bed with wet dogs."
"Very funny, Colonel Bastard. You're secretly hoping I'll join you out of spite."
For a moment the Flame Alchemist looked impressed - then he laughed."I'll let you win this one,"he conceded graciously, turning around again."Consider it an early Christmas gift." He was under the threshold of the door when Ed called after him.
"...Taisa?"
"Yes?"he drawled impatiently, turning around - stopping when he saw Edward's face.
"...Is it out of pity?"the blonde asked bluntly, a guarded look on his face.
"Is what out of pity?"
"You're not even MAD that I'm trying to make your holiday miserable! And if that's because you're feeling sorry for me, then you can shove it. I don't want your stinking pity."
"Then what DO you want?"
"I don't know!"Ed huffed in exasperation, shaking slightly."For you to get angry! To give back what you get in spades! To-To... To stop asking stupid questions!"he finished, having exhausted all other options.
To which the colonel laughed then, and snickered something to himself that sounded suspiciously like "still just a kid". Then he frowned in mock seriousness."You're kidding, right? About giving back to you what you've given to me? So you're saying that you want me to trip over a limbo bar, fall from a roof, AND get stuck under the mistletoe with you again? You must be some sort of sadist, right?"
"YOU'RE the sadist,"Ed grumbled, yanking a throw pillow from the couch and hurling it onto the floor.
"It's as I was saying,"Mustang continued, glancing at the squashed pillow for emphasis."When one doesn't even know how to act properly on a NORMAL day, you certainly can't expect them to observe all the social niceties of the HOLIDAYS, now can you? Besides..."He rolled this next bit around in the air for a time-"...it's not very infuriating for us when YOU'RE the one who's suffering from your own pranks, is it, Fullmetal? As a matter of fact-"Grin."-it's actually somewhat enjoyable. I hope you'll continue."
"And I hope you'll fall into a sewer shaft and expire,"Ed commented loudly, flopping down on the couch and rolling himself up in his coat,"but wishes are for saps."
"...And yet strangely predicatable,"Mustang muttered to no one in particular, shaking his head and going upstairs to sleep.
Downstairs, Ed growled at the fire. They didn't have any right to go around laughing at him like that when he was trying so hard to make their lives miserable! Well, there was still a long time left to this 'vacation'. He'd come up with a plan that would blow them all out of the water, that bloody military staff. They'd see, oh yes, and THEN who would be so short that they were mistaken for the cherry atop a sundae? Yeah, that's what he thought.
Besides, he hadn't tried lacing the brownies with laxative then trasmuting all the toilets into crocodiles yet.
ANBlah. Sorry that this fic wasn't finished by Christmas! I'm such a GODDAMNED LIAR!!!::cries:: Don't worry, I won't take it down by New Years, then. Hopefully, I will be finished by then. ::gasps:: 30 reviews?!?! OMG, I owe you guys one! Next chapter will PWN! It will be quite naughty, here's hoping that I don't get a nosebleed and bleed all over the comp. ::averts eyes:: To be honest...I'VE NEVER WRITTEN SAUCY STUFF LIKE THAT BEFORE! But yeah. Next chapter. No longer insinuation! The shounen-ai(actually, now it's crossed into the yaoi zone) will be there! Stick with me for just a bit longer!
Ch. 4:Of Armies and Aphrodisiacs! "'It's not like I WANT to molest you!' Ed sobbed hysterically, his actions belying his words.'I just...neglected to mention that I have a fetish for men in uniform!!!'"
::frowns:: So...::nosebleeds:: So...Can I write this? Can I? Do I HAVE that ability? Please, please, give me some encouragment!
-tiger-