Merry Christmas, Colonel Bastard - Proof That Revenge Is A Kind Of Wild Justice
Mission Four - Of Armies and Aphrodisiacs
AN-Oh, how I have to pee. Many thanks to my reviewers; there are so many of you that I've stopped taking count. Enjoy the yummy yaoi goodness(mmm, alliteration...). Oh, pssshaw. I'd meant for this chapter to scare people away, but it's so MILD. ::cries:: You'll see what I mean. There's some shounen-ai. Bite it.
-tiger-
Ed laughed from within his chest like a cheesy movie villain. He couldn't help it, he FELT like a cheesy movie villain("victory is in my grasp!" he roared, but inwardly), what with this utterly BRILLIANT scheme he had just come up with.
He unscrewed the lid of the small, nondescript bottle he had purchased from the pharmacist(sure, it had earned him a couple of weird glances, but a flash of his silver watch had stifled any questions one might have had) and poured the contents into tonight's wine. Glancing around to make sure the great hall was empty(he had managed to con Havoc into starting a fierce poker match that kept most of the headquarter's occupants distracted on the second floor for a bit), he hurriedly followed suit for the rest of the cases of alcohol.
It was a perfect way to get back at not only that bastard colonel, Ed decided, but also at the rest of his moronic military crew who thought his attempts at ruining Christmas were a joke. He would have prefered chopping off their legs at the knees(NO, it had nothing to do with a height complex!), but this would do just fine.
(Yes), he thought, cackling to himself and rubbing his hands together as he left the hall,(the corpse-strength aphrodisiac in the evening's wine would do just fine.)
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All things considered, Roy Mustang was actually having a pretty good day. Though he'd been rudely awakened by the cursing and clanging noises made by a certain Fullmetal Alchemist, he'd also been pleasantly surprised to discover the kid could not only make a decent breakfast, but a decent cup of coffee as well. And, even better, as soon as he'd settled down for a verbal battle with the stubborn blonde, said blonde had mumbled something about equivalent trade and darted out the door as though he'd been shot.
A free breakfast and fresh coffee, and he didn't even have to suffer through the impatient presence of Fullmetal.
And then, in another unexpected bout of luck, Fullmetal had also suggested that the eastern branch entertain themselves by playing a few rounds of poker, which had subsequently landed him with half of Havoc's salary, and the promise that Farman would do his laundry for a month.
And now, he was getting ready for an excursion into town, hopefully to secure an evening for himself with a lovely blonde - no, scratch that - he was in the mood for a redhead.
Until then, since he was awake and in quite a cheery mood, he'd amuse himself even more by summoning Fullmetal to his office. Maybe he'd order the boy to go into town and masquerade as one of Santa's elves in the town square.
"You wanted to see me, taisa?"
Roy was about to say 'No, I wanted to see Fullmetal', when he looked up and saw that it was, indeed, the person he had called for. But where had that sudden docility come from? Did he, perhaps, want something he wouldn't ordinarily be able to have?
"Taisa?"
"There's been a shortage of helpers at the children's center in town, Fullmetal."Which was true, since Roy had just went out to dinner with the manager a few nights ago, and she had mentioned it then."You are to go down there and help. I presume that you'll be perfect for the job of 'elf'..."
"Because I'm short enough to be mistaken for a person who's not even real?"the blonde asked blandly, though his eyes were sparking."Got it, taisa. Am I exempt from tonight's festivities, then?"
"Of course not. You'll return to the barracks at 16:00 hours."Oh, how the cogs in Roy's brain were turning. Fullmetal was up to something, something unpleasant. Perhaps another one of those grand schemes to ruin Christmas that always seemed to end in disaster? Well, if that was the case... "I'd hate for you to miss the party, Fullmetal,"he added, smiling somewhat shark-like.
The grin Fullmetal gave in return was little better, however."Oh, I'd hate it too,"he agreed, heading for the door. Almost as an afterthought, he offered:"I'd be careful not to drink so much, taisa. It's bad for your health." Then he was gone, shoulders hitching in unmistakable laughter.
Roy leaned back in his chair, still smirking. Perhaps he'd cancel his evening plans after all.
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With the night came the partying, and with the partying came the drinking, and with the drinking came Edward's glee. He hid himself in the corner with a glass of water and watched the events unfold.
It struck no one as surprising that Ed took water, whether it be the automail or his small frame, alcohol always seemed to go right to his head. A couple of sips of even the mild stuff, and he'd be tittering uncontrollably and trying to transmute the ice swan and the floor into a skating rink. Though that wasn't the only reason he steered clear of the stuff tonight.
He honestly didn't have too much of a clue about how potent the aphrodisiac was, he'd been tempted to test it out on either himself or that fresh batch of army recruits that had been transferred from Central that day, but had written both ideas off as ludicrous. Tonight was as good a way to test the stuff than any other; if it wasn't that strong, then no one would be any the wiser, and he could promptly forget about this whole thing.
It was a flawless plan. No one could accuse him of steering clear of the evening wine because he'd known it was tainted, he could simply say that he never cared for the stuff anyway, and it would be the truth. And if the surveillance cameras happened to catch some of the soldiers participating in somewhat...dubious...acts, well, he couldn't be blamed for that, either.
"I'm not really much of a drinking man,"Farman was off to the side saying, as someone shoved a glass of the dangerous red liquid into his hands,"but what the hell."He effectively drained his glass in one gulp."Ganbai!"
It was all Edward could do to keep from laughing out loud.
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"That lady from Central shure is a schuweet dishhhh,"Havoc slurred, partially from lack of sobriety, and partially because of his ever-present cigarette resting between his lips."Military polishe, hunh? I wonder if they carry 'em handcuffs around off-duty..."
At a break in the conversation, he turned to Fury, who he WAS talking to, only to find the young officer missing in action. And waitasecond...wasn't that FURY walking up to that hottie from Central right now?! And - Havoc's jaw dropped and his cigarette fell into drink - he was offering her a glass of that strange vintage that had been omnipresent all night! Even more mind-boggling, that look on his face wasn't really Fury at all. He just didn't LOOK like that, all smooth and passionate!
(What the hell is going on?)Havoc wondered, in that instant almost sober.(It's like the entire world has gone MAD!) He wondered, briefly - stupidly, more like it - if perhaps there had been an alchemical incident, and Fury and Mustang had somehow switched bodies. 'Cuz that was the ONLY way Cain Fury would ever have a look like THAT on his face.
Havoc shrugged and had just decided to write the whole thing off as a mid-inebriation hallucination when he saw that shorty Edward standing off in a corner by himself, pointedly looking at nothing while trying to look at everything, which meant he was either lonely or bored.
Well, Havoc knew a brilliant cure for both. He grabbed a whole bottle of that strangely addicting wine and made his way towards Edward.
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Ed frowned as Second Lieutenant Havoc strode his way through the crowd towards him purposefully(or rather, as purposeful as one can get when drunk). He was overcome with a blind panic as he recalled just how much of the tainted drink the tall blonde had consumed that evening.
(Damndamndamndamndamndamn!)his mind shouted at him.(He can't possibly think I'M a prime target for his hormone-induced attentions, can he?!?!?! I know that bombshell he was eyeing up just got stolen away by Sergeant Fury - I feel for him, really I do - but THIS?!)
"Uh, Sec - "Ed had just opened up his mouth to make an excuse to leave when something long was forced into it.
(Oh, GOD!!!)
In that instant, that small, small instant when it seemed as though he had just been violated in the worst possible way, Edward Elric really did believe in God. He believed that God was a sick, sadistic freak who dealt not blessings, but revenge, revenge for making a mockery of His Son's birthday.
He was just about to make a promise to God to give up his catastrophic schemings when his brain caught up with the situation, and he realized it was not any part of the Second Lieutenant that was crammed down his throat, rather, the neck of the wine bottle said lieutenant had carried over. He breathed a sigh of relief and hastily remembered to swallow just before he choked to death.
"No sense in excludin' ya from the feshtivities...'cuz yer a kid,"Havoc was babbling on."Even KIDS - really short ones, even, mind you - 'ave got the right to...uh...par-tay! Yeah."
Ed - while being unable to respond angrily to Havoc's 'short' comment due to the obstruction of his mouth - did have the time to register two things. 1.)While clearly drunk out of his small, feeble mind, Havoc was either immune to the power of aphrodisiac, or, the stuff wasn't that strong at all and Ed had clearly been ripped off. He was forced to believe the former after a glimpse around the room, showing quite a few people doing some rather indecent things to one another, while a greater part of the room's occupants had vanished entirely - (including Fury and that Central woman), Ed noted to himself with disbelief.
Oh, and that pesky second thing? The fact that while he was standing there registering all the facts from event #1, that he'd been standing there drinking nearly HALF A BOTTLE of tainted alcohol!
Feeling a panic he had never felt before, he brought his hands together in a flash, breaking the bottle and covering himself and Havoc with wine and glass. Then he bolted for the door, leaving a bewildered Second Lieutenant behind.
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Deep breaths, deep breaths. The small part of Edward's brain that was still functioning properly told him that if he could just get to his dorm without running into anyone, he'd be safe. It was easier said than done. He was, after all, quite fuzzy-headed from downing half a bottle of liquor, and all of the dorms in the bloody military base looked exactly alike. And it was too damn hot for him to think straight. Not to mention that he felt...ITCHY...well, all over.
It was all right. Round this corner, then he'd be safe in his dorm(well, he HOPED it was around this corner, that crack in the wall looked mightily familiar...) -
"...Fullmetal?"
Well, scratch that. That crack in the wall was probably from that time he'd tried to murder the Colonel for a jab about his height, seeing as how he must've taken a RIGHT instead of LEFT back there, and had ended up near his superior officer's quarters.
Which was NOT GOOD for a variety of reasons.
"Ah, ha ha ha, taisa!"Ed laughed nervously and jumped a bit backwards, avoiding Mustang's eyes. He hoped fervently that the prickling feeling across his face wasn't a blush."Y-You know, if you ever become Fuhrer, you'd better do something to make these dorms more INDIVIDUAL, you know...? I c-could hardly tell yours f-from mine..."And he laughed again, similar to a hyena.
Maybe it was working; the man was smirking and giving no indication that anything was out of place."I'll take that into consideration,"came the smooth reply; Ed noted that EVERYTHING about the damn man was smooth, from his speech to his gestured and even to that goddamn smirk he found himself so often tempted to bash in. Noting that wasn't the mistake, though - meeting the taisa's eyes was.
No one was more surprised than he when he decided to see for himself whether or not Mustang's lips were as smooth as the rest of him.
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All things considered, Roy Mustang WAS having a pretty good day. Though he'd been rudely awakened by the cursing and clanging noises made by a certain Fullmetal Alchemist, the kid had also made his favorite food for breakfast(chocolate chip pancakes, though for the sake of retaining his masculinity, he'd neglected to let the vertically-challenged blonde know that fact) AND had been pointedly civil to him all day. He'd also won eight rounds of poker in a row, and had splurged on taking that redhead from the grocery store out to dinner. Though, he'd grudgingly admit, she wasn't won in by his charms, and promptly closed the door on him after giving him a proper good night kiss. Which is why his night had ended much earlier than expected. And that dinner had been expensive.
Still, all things considered, Roy Mustang HAD been having a pretty good day. Until this.
Until, to be more specific, that shorty of a blonde Fullmetal had decided that it would be a good idea to kiss him in the middle of the hallway adjacent to his dorm, with all the gusto he could summon up in an instant, and - much more importantly - where anyone could SEE.
Having realized that, he hastily backed into a dark corner, unfortunately giving Fullmetal the advantage. And while he wasn't adverse to blondes, exactly - dear GODS, was that boy trying to SUFFOCATE him?! - he had to admit that when he'd contemplated taking a golden-haired beauty home for the night, he certainly wasn't thinking of Fullmetal.
"Oxygen is...usually needed to sustain this task,"he managed to murmur when Fullmetal had finally let him go. He even had his professional face on, even if he did sound a bit like he was panting. He'd been caught by SURPRISE, dammit, complete and utter SURPRISE! First, he'd humiliate the teen for catching him off guard like that, then maybe he'd even singe him a bit for kissing him - poorly, as well! - like that...
"T-Taisa..."That one word, harsh and broken, echoed down the empty hallway.
...Okay, so maybe not. Fullmetal wasn't actually CRYING, was he? Oh, Gods, he'd never know how to handle that... Alright, he'd go for polite professionalism."What happened?"A pause, as he registered the teen's rosy face and his slightly glazed eyes."Fullmetal, are you DRUNK?"
That would certainly explain a lot of things.
"N-Not exactly..."And Fullmetal squirmed under his gaze, as though irrevocably uncomfortable. AND his hands had started to roam, too.
Roy managed to catch one of his wrists before it travelled anywhere past the point of decency."You could at least wait to molest me until AFTER we've finished our conversation,"he commented dryly,"though I doubt anything you say will affect my planned outcome of this little fiasco."
"It's not like I WANT to molest you!"Ed sobbed hysterically, his actions belying his words."I just...neglected to mention that I have a weakness for men in uniform!!!"
Which only earned him a raised eyebrow in return. And - Gods blast it - the boy WAS crying, too, something Mustang had never been good at handling on his own. He decided to give the kid a minute to calm down, and then - reputation or no - he was going to call Hawkeye.
He even counted the sixty seconds in his head, took note that Fullmetal's sobs stopped somewhere around eighteen, and that he wiped his face around forty-one. Still, he counted the entire sixty seconds just to be sure, before he tried again. This time, he attempted a shot at humor.
"If you've got such a uniform fetish, Fullmetal,"he suggested lightly,"perhaps you should consider wearing your own - "And at the very end of his sentence(neither before nor after, the blonde had been polite enough to let him finish but not enough for him to inhale) Fullmetal kissed him again.
Damn, what a bother. Not bothering to be professional OR nice, Mustang grabbed his shoulders and pushed him back."If you're not drunk, a condition I could not ignore but forgive, then you're acting of your own free will, which is, as we both know, ridiculous."
The blonde looked up at him slowly, as though he was about to say something important. All that came out of his mouth, though, was: "I wonder what you were like as a teenager, taisa,"in a lazy yet punctuated drawl, then he laughed."Okay, okay, so I'm a BIT drunk..."
"A bit?"the Flame Alchemist muttered under his breath, and was about to step past the obstacle to his bedroom when said obstacle wrapped arms around his waist and bit his collarbone.
Which promptly got a reaction out of him, though one he would've been able to ignore if it - hadn't - been - his - collarbone. And it was probably only because that was as far as the teen could REACH, but still. He didn't like to make it known, but it was a weak spot of his, that collarbone. He stiffened abruptly, and tried not to let his face give anything away.
And he was a sharp one, Fullmetal, though HIS reaction wasn't exactly what Roy had expected.
He promptly took a step back and starting rubbing his arms furiously. No...SCRATCHING at them... Concern went immediately on autopilot. Something was definitely wrong.
"If you don't stop that, you'll hurt yourself,"he said to the disgruntled teen, taking him by the wrists. And sure enough, there were bruises on his left arm and light scratches on the automail."Just what the hell is going on here?"A terrible thought occurred to him."Just what DID. YOU. DO?"
Fullmetal looked up at him, pupils nearly drowning out the amber of his eyes."I...I..."
Locking his arms around the older man's neck, he choked out his story into Mustang's ear, even in his distressed state unable to stop himself from entangling his fingers in that dark, dark hair.
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Edward stood perfectly still, keeping his messy face safely buried under the colonel's arm, refraining himself from rubbing up against the man, as much as he wanted to. He was just so damned ITCHY, and he couldn't even really understand why. The word 'hormones' flashed through his head briefly, but he dismissed it. He'd been far too busy searching for the Philosopher's Stone to worry about hormones...
"Oh, great,"he mumbled into an expensive suit jacket now stained with tears and snot."You mean to tell me I had this COMING to me, because I'm starting to get a teenager's HORMONES?"
Mustang's sudden laugh caused the man's body to arch against him, and start up that infernal itching again. And, arrogantly against his will, he leaned into that touch, even went so far as to slide his hand under the ruined suit jacket, before a hand stopped him."At least you're not coming at me from way out in left field,"the colonel announced urbanely, his arrogant smirk almost - almost, but not quite - covering up his relief."Though I don't imagine your...frustration...is helping the situation any. And while you'll have to resolve that sooner or later,"he admitted,"fortunately for you, I'm well informed on how to handle horny teenagers."
"I am NOT horny,"Ed griped in his usual fashion, though his constant wriggling did little to prove himself right. For revenge, he moved in to nip that bastard colonel's collarbone - finally, SOMETHING that riled the man a bit - but found himself with a mouthful of gloved finger instead. He spat it out hurriedly."Anticipated that one, did you?"Edward was suddenly ashamed of himself, though really only because he failed. And when he was ashamed, he tended to lash out at others."So? What're you gonna DO about this whole thing, taisa?"He managed to untuck Mustang's shirt and slide his hands all the way up to his ribs before the other man caught his hands again.
"I told you,"the colonel repeated with a smirk,"that having been a teenage youth myself, I learned rather quickly how to deal with these things."And with no more smooth talk or preempt, Edward found himself lifted off the ground in a fireman's carry.
He felt momentarily nauseous, and he didn't think it was from being flipped upside down. He pounded on the taisa's back."Hey! What're you doing? Put me - ohhh..."
So maybe part of it WAS from being flipped upside down. And hey, wasn't that...? Ed squinted his eyes and decided that he didn't really care about their destination after all. Or the trip there. He'd just sit back and enjoy the view.
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Most unfortunately, Edward's pleasant scenery was cut off abruptly as an overhead light was thrown into view and he found himself dumped into something cool and smooth. What?
He sat up and looked around, then cast a dubious look at Mustang."In the BATHTUB?"he squeaked, eyes going wide."Taisa, that's SICK!"
"Yes, yes, I'm sure,"the man murmured, clearly distracted by the temperature controls on the faucet. He seemed to find an appropriate climate, however, because he took the plug out of the bathtub and turned on the shower.
At the first spray of ice-cold water, Ed yelped and struggled to get out, but a brightly polished dress shoe to his chest quickly stomped that notion. He settled for shooting death glares at his superior officer, who settled himself on the sink with his fingers poised threateningly to snap should Edward make a move.
And so they sat for an undetermined amount of time; Ed shivering and miserable in his prison of freezing water, Mustang waiting patiently yet carefully; until the blonde no longer saw that coal-black hair as something he would love to bathe his face in, but rather a handy tool for when he planned to rip off the man's scalp and beat him with it. It was around this bloodthirsty thought that he felt safe enough to shut the water off.
Silence for a bit. Then - "Can I have a towel? Or are you just gonna let me freeze to death?"
The Flame Alchemist smirked, though it was softer and could have actually been a smile. He shrugged out of his jacket and tossed it to Edward."It's not a big deal; I've got others,"he said when it looked as though the blonde would protest."After all, the ladies seem to like it better when a man owns more than one piece of finery, you see..."He effectively dodged the bathtub plug that Ed threw at him, then stood up."Still hopelessly brutal, I see that cold water's done nothing for your temper... Still, I'm glad to see you've recovered."
And though it made Edward blush again, he had to ask his earlier question for a second time."What... What WERE you like as a - when you were my age, taisa?"
And the man looked SURPRISED, if nothing could had come out of this night, at least Ed would have that. He looked SURPRISED, and it took a moment for him to recover. Then he smirked and shrugged in a dramatic gesture."Not nearly as hopeless as you. I had GIRLFRIENDS, you see, for when things like this happened..."
He may have dodged the bathtub plug, but the bar of soap hit him square in the face.
AN: ::commits suicide:: Gomen nasai! OMGWTF happened to this chapter? What is it ABOUT? It's okay - you guys, as my loyal readers, have the right to shoot me for the birth of this monstrosity. It wasn't even uber-yaoi, either, I sorta crapped out at the end because I wanna hurry up and finish this. Goddamn the man. (Whoever the man is.) Anyway! Chapter 5! The last chapter! (Then the epilogue! ::is shot::) Thanks for sticking with me for this long!
Ch. 5:Of Jam and Justice!
"Being covered from the waist up in strawberry jam because of a wrestling match in the snow with a fifteen-year old boy suddenly seemed so absurd that Roy Mustang, Flame Alchemist and one of the most powerful, professional people in the world, fell over onto his side and abruptly started laughing."
OMFG. Let's hope I can really stick with this. On a different note, I DIDN'T EVEN FINISH BY NEW YEARS! ::is shot twice more:: Ja...
-tiger-