Merry Christmas, Colonel Bastard

by tigerofthewind

In a desperate attempt to one-up Colonel Mustang, Ed takes it upon himself to sabotage Christmas. But as we all know, things concerning the Fullmetal Alchemist never seem to go as planned...eventually shounen-ai -COMPLETE OMFG FINALLY-

6. Of Jam and Justice

Merry Christmas, Colonel Bastard - Proof That Revenge Is A Kind Of Wild Justice

Mission Five - Of Jam and Justice

AN-I would like to take the time to point out that it takes at least 45KB to write a decent porno story. LoL.

::gets pelted with rocks::

-tiger-

It snowed on Christmas Eve, and feeling thoroughly miserable about Al's disappearance to the Rockbell's for the week, Ed meandered out on the streets for a bit.

Tomorrow he would wake up, and probably head to the library all day for some studying - no, even the LIBRARY was closed for Christmas, it appeared even Schieska had plans for the week - so instead maybe he'd visit Hughes and his family. Though...

The teen stopped and sighed."Christmas is a FAMILY thing,"he muttered to himself, pointedly and telepathically sending the message to his traitorous brother in Rizenbul as much as to himself."Major Hughes'll probably be so absorbed with Alicia that he wouldn't want to see me, anyway..."

Still, though the photo albums were somewhat excessive, Ed found himself LIKING the eccentric major and his warm, comfortable family. Perhaps, even if it was a bit invasive, he would go see the three of them for the holiday.

(After all), he grumbled ashamedly to himself, (it's not like I can show my face at the office for a while, anyway.)

The truth was, the incident about the aphrodisiac-spiked wine had actually been kept well under wraps. Though Fury and Havoc weren't speaking to each other, and Breda seemed more scared of Black Hayate than usual, it looked like there wasn't any serious damage from Ed's "harmless" prank.

Well, except for that CRUSHING BLOW to his ego. (Well), he huffed, straightening himself up and staring into a cafe window to see their lunch specials, (I'M the one who set up that ridiculous charade to begin with, so I'M the one who'll have to deal with the fact that I very nearly mauled my commanding officer who is, without bias, nearly twice as old as I am.)

He cast his eyes heavenward."I suppose he could've been an even BIGGER ass about it,"he relented, bonking his forehead against the window glass glumly."After all, I'd be pretty snarky if he just came up to me and bit me like that..."

Ed rubbed his face against the cool window to fight off his impending blush. No, no, NO, dammit. If the Colonel could effectively wipe that ordeal from his memory(a polite if indifferent "good morning, Fullmetal, having a good holiday?" awaited him that morning and not a second glance after that), then so could he.

A sudden rumbling made him look up and check for earthquake damage, until he realized that it was just his stomach; he'd skipped breakfast as usual in favor of being miserable. He had a couple of cenz to spare, maybe he'd go in and have lunch.

A cheerful bell rang as he entered the store - he considered transmuting into fish guts or something out of spite - and low-key holiday music was playing in the background. The place wasn't deserted, but it wasn't particularly busy, either. There were a few couples in the booths, and some lonely stragglers sitting at the counter. Ed considered joining his kin(the solitary counter-dwellers), then hmphed and took a booth out of sheer petulance.

A waitress came up to greet him, frowning at his single form using up a booth clearly meant for at least four people."Sir, single guests are politely recommended to sit at the counter so as not to inhibit the other customers - "

"I've got a date,"Ed snapped rudely, and from out of nowhere. Then, somewhat more politely - "Can I get a coffee?"

The waitress - her name tag simply read 'Ashlee' - looked a bit miffed, but nodded and tossed two menus on the table."I'll be back soon with your coffee...sir."

Ed propped his feet up on the other side of the booth and folded his arms behind his head. A date, hunh? Ha. He didn't know what had possessed him to say that. He'd just felt like being incorrigible, so he'd been incorrigible. And that Ashlee waitress was probably going to kick him out when his 'date' didn't show.

Well, that wouldn't be HIS fault, would it? He'd just say he got stood up, put on that injured face of his, and maybe he'd even get free pity dessert -

Riiing. Then footsteps and a voice, an all-too FAMILIAR voice...

"Rumors about your appetite DO proceed you, Fullmetal, but two menus? That's a bit overkill..."Ed glared up into the taisa's face - "...don't you think?"

And it was indeed Roy Mustang, though he wasn't alone. A pretty but nondescript brunette was latched onto his arm, one of her hands companionably resting inside the man's coat pocket. Edward immediately felt his face going sour.

"Can I help you, SIR?"he intoned pointedly, finding that through his annoyance he was able to meet the other's man eyes again, which were practically TWINKLING with mirth."You'd better be careful about those sparkles in your eyes, taisa, we'll have to end up pairing you with Major Armstrong on missions from now on..."

"...'Sir'?"The brunette looked puzzled."I had no idea they enlisted CHILDREN in the military, Roy..."

Ed lurched forward, in his bad mood ready to throttle even the innocent, but a booted foot pushed him back."Well, even puppies have teeth,"Mustang said airly, waving a hand dismissively."For a fact, I think they use them more than the adult dogs."

And the man was BAITING him, and Edward wouldn't fall for it."Would you and your date care to join me for coffee, taisa?"he asked innocently, making eyes at the brunette. It worked, she smiled a kind smile that transformed her plain face into a memorable one, and slid across from him in the booth."Yes, let's,"she enthused, pulling off her gloves and propping her face on her fists."What's your name, sweetheart?"

"It's - hey!"Ed jumped a bit and glared at the colonel, who was seating himself in the booth next to him."Shouldn't you be sitting with your DATE?"he pointed out, getting as much distance between himself and the odious man as possible.

"It's rude, not to mention inappropriately forward, to seat yourself next to a lady,"the Flame Alchemist replied simply. Then his voice took a different tone."Beauty should be admired from a central perspective,"he added, staring directly at his date, who had begun to blush,"not from the side."

Ed coughed into his menu was rewarded with a dangerous look."Sorry, but have you seen these PRICES?"he offered lamely, holding the menu for use as a shield so much as demonstration."I probably shouldn't eat anything, it'll take a week's salary just to afford it,"he added piteously, making eyes at Roy's date.

He managed to keep the face, too, despite being kicked - hard - from underneath the table. The brunette lady eagerly took the bait."Oh, that's all right. Lunch will be our treat, won't it?"And she in turn made eyes at Roy, who smiled very painfully.

"Certainly..."

"Great!"Ed piped up, in a much better mood than when he entered."Thanks, miss...uh..."

"Mariabelle,"she offered,"though you can call me Belle. And drop the 'miss'."She smiled again."You're such a sweet boy, though I didn't catch your name..."

"Al,"Ed replied without thinking, then stopped; shot his eyes over to the colonel, who nodded almost invisibly.

"It's so very nice to meet you, Al,"Belle said with what seemed like true feeling, and she extended her hand, which Ed shook awkwardly, and caused the two adults at the table to snicker with some sort of inside joke. The blonde ignored them both and buried himself in his menu, shoving the other one at Belle and leaving the taisa to deal on his own.

Edward was pondering the 32 oz. sirloin when he became aware of someone's eyes on him. He looked at Belle, who was happily engrossed in the menu and chattering about this and that, then looked at his other side and found himself meeting a pair of pitch-dark eyes. No, not staring at him - studying the menu. Damn bastard was reading over his shoulder as surreptitiously as possible. The teen tossed the menu to him, shrugging."I've already decided, taisa."

Ashlee came back then for their orders. Ed promptly ordered half the menu, a feast fit for a king - sort of how he felt - and added the 32 oz. sirloin on the end for fun. He probably wouldn't eat half of it in the day, but he could always take it home for the rest of the week.

"Undoubtedly the most pricey piece on the menu,"Mustang muttered, looking vaguely irritated. Then he changed his angle."Why Alphonse?"

"Hey, you shouldn't offer for something you can't pay,"Ed started smugly, then frowned. Silence reigned supreme for nearly fifteen minutes, enough time for Ashlee to come back with Belle and the colonel's lunch, but only half of Edward's.

Ed munched on a bean sprout, ignoring the irony."No, scratch that. I dunno."He glanced over at Belle, still talking and poring over the food."Some people get jittery when they hear my name. So when I figured I oughta lie about it, Al's name was the first that came to mind."

There was an unrecognizable expression on Mustang's face; it was fleeting then gone. He replaced it effortlessly with a smirk."And speaking of Alphonse, I wonder if he's having a good holiday at Rizenbul?"

He went too far. Ignoring the fact that he was stuck between the wall and the colonel, Edward began fighting his way out of the booth."Move, taisa!"he shouted, elbowing the older man efficiently in the ribs and onto the floor. Ed leaped over his ungainly form and into the aisle, nearly tripping over a couple as they were leaving."It's tough when everything isn't staged like in a play, isn't it?"he hissed hoarsely, hands balled into fists."Everyone else might laugh and blush when it comes to your arrogant jokes and pervy pick-up lines, but when it comes to me, your sense of humor totally SUCKS!"

And - he scarcely believed it himself(man was SOMEBODY going to kill him after the fact but BOY did he not care!) - he brought his heel up and smashed it into Mustang's jaw. Then channeled the rest of his energy into running.

Running all the way back to the base, running all the way up to his dorm, then even running in place after he had slammed the door shut; not stopping until he fell down sometime later from exhaustion.

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The whole office was staring at him, he knew it. He wanted to scream at all of them - "Haven't any of YOU ever come back from a lunch date with a broken jaw?!" but knew it wouldn't help. Instead, when he got to the inner office where his subordinates were all stationed patiently around their desks but staring at his blackened jaw, he took the time to comment.

"My date wasn't amused by my -"

(Jokes), he thought blandly, but didn't say it aloud." - pickup line,"he finished cheekily, pointing at his face for emphasis.

And the rest of the East Division knew better than to question Roy Mustang when he came home from a failed date - in their favor, Fury had actually started making COFFEE - so they let the matter drop without incident. And so did he, at least on the outside.

On the inside, he was LIVID. He wanted to set a certain little boy blonde on fire and perform a ritual dance around him as he writhed in the flames, to be precise. But...

As hard it was to believe, it actually said a lot about Fullmetal's level of distress if he went so far as to land a BLOW on his superior. Roy winced as he accidentally set his face down on his fist in his usual position of thought, then leaned on the other side of his face. It did give him a small amount of satisfaction to know that the blonde was probably racing up and down the walls with panic at the thought of a court martial, yet at the same time...

He shrugged and waved off the thought that perhaps he had been in the wrong; counted out his remaining cenz as Breda, Farman, and Havoc happily immersed themselves in the rest of Fullmetal's lunch, and ignored the looks Hawkeye was shooting his way. Soon Fury arrived with the freshly brewed coffee, set it down on his desk with a squeak, then hastily backed off into a near corner.

(The stab at Alphonse was unnecessary), he finally reflected with a sigh, downing half a mug of the still-scalding brew and ignoring his wounded mouth.(So I WAS out of line. Though he didn't have to kick me so hard),he thought viciously.

And while it was true that he had given Alphonse the permission to spend the week with the Rockbell's, it had been the younger Elric who had suggested the trip himself. Roy wasn't an idiot, he supposed that Alphonse liked that vivacious young girl who lived with her grandmother, but he also felt that leaving him on-base to deal with an infuriated Fullmetal Alchemist was quite unfair.

(Though perhaps), Roy was starting to understand, (that's what his intention was from the START...)

And while he didn't like to admit that perhaps he'd been outsmarted by a fourteen year old boy trapped in a suit of armor, there were some times when even he was forced to make an exception. So Alphonse was hoping he'd do something to alleviate his brother's bad mood, hmmm?

He stared down at a Christmas card he'd gotten from one of his female admirers around a week ago, and the message emblazoned on the front in swirly gold letters.

'Let's make this year's Christmas a holiday to remember!'

And he laughed inwardly and raised his coffee cup in a toast towards the dorms."Yes, Fullmetal,"he murmured aloud, "let's."

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The problem was, Edward was starting to realize, that he was going about this in too elaborate of a manner. He didn't have to concoct some complicated scheme to humiliate the colonel - as a matter of fact, simple was probably BETTER. There were too many cogs involved with his earlier attempts, that was why they had all failed. In this case, his plan was bound to succeed - it's sheer SIMPLICITY alone made it immune to failure.

He wouldn't have even BOTHERED with a plan, either, had it not been for the fact that the bastard colonel had ordered him to his office that morning.

He had, of course, tried to refuse - tried to slam the door in Havoc's face, for that matter, til the taller blonde had rammed his foot between the wall and the threshold - but had been promptly told that if he ignored this direct order from his commanding officer, than he could just leave his watch outside the door with Havoc.

Which had set Ed into a rage and into the streets to find a store that was open on Christmas Day. After finally finding one on the outskirts of town, the blonde had quickly purchased his items, transmuted them into a suitable 'present' for the taisa, then started up for the office.

It was, understandably enough, a rigged present, set to explode the slimiest, stickiest sort of jam(it had been strawberry, actually) available onto whomever was unfortunate enough to open it. And it was so EASY. All Ed had to do tell the taisa that he'd forgiven him for yesterday's misunderstanding(though uttering those very words would make his blood boil, he was a long way off from forgiving that bastard for that) and that'd he'd gotten him a Christmas gift in apology. And that bastard colonel would probably SMIRK, too, and then would come that glorious moment when he'd peel off the wrapping, and open the box to see what was inside...

Still sniggering, Ed took a moment to collect himself outside the office door. It wouldn't do if he gave it all away now. As a matter of fact, all he had to do was channel his emotions from yesterday onto his face - furious, and just a slight touch of hurt for theatrics - and banged open the door with a long-suffering sigh.

"It's awfully cruel for you to be sending me out on a mission on Christmas, isn't it tai... - ?"But he never finished that statement; could only stare in utter bewilderment and wonder at the scene that unfolded before him.

The office was decorated, that wasn't what surprised him. What DID surprise him was that...they'd decorated the office for HIM.

There was a tree in the center of the room - a short one, though Edward in his daze couldn't even summon the emotion to feel angry about that - and it was covered in a variety of ornaments, including someone's State Alchemist watch(either Mustang's or Armstrong's) and Black Hayate's collar. There were presents under that tree, not a whole lot, an appropriate amount for a military-oriented Christmas, and Ed could note that some of them WERE for him, he wasn't just imagining it.

And in the center of the room stood the entire military unit, each of them holding onto part of a banner that spelled 'Merry Christmas, Edward' in bright, jovial letters.

Edward. Not 'Major Elric' nor 'Fullmetal'. Edward.

Hawkeye stepped over to him first and gave him a big-sisterly sort of kiss on the cheek."Got you,"she said, smiling and pointing upward at the mistletoe that hung in the doorway(though she pointed with the barrel of her gun, which convinced Ed that it was indeed Riza Hawkeye and not some imposter in disguise).

Havoc came over next and muttered something about 'some guys having all the luck' before slinging an arm around Edward's shoulders."You were gone all morning, boss, you should eat something."He grinned around his cigarette."Hawkeye made cake."

Edward could only stare dumbly around the room. Hadn't they NOTICED, noticed what he was trying to do all along? Didn't they CARE that he only wanted to humiliate them, and maybe even injure some of the more snarky ones? Was it, out of all the things he hated the most, out of pity?

Forgetting about his righteous anger, only feeling a sort of infantile panic, Ed searched for Mustang's eyes and found them, staring at him from across the room. And there was no sympathy there, a bit of guarded patience and something that could have been taken for a smile, but...no sympathy. He didn't feel SORRY for him, so what was the man up to? What was he playing at, what sort of...

Ed's eyes involuntarily fluttered to a stray Christmas card the colonel held in his hands.

'Let's make this year's Christmas a holiday to remember!'

And Edward realized suddenly how childish he had been. He'd blamed everyone for Al leaving him at Central during Christmas, thought the only thing he could do was add their misery to his company, instead of trying to put a brave face on the whole thing and enjoy himself. And even in spite of his childishness, everyone had...everyone had...

He felt his eyes water before he fell ungracefully onto his knees, and before he could even register that, he found himself sobbing brokenly and unable to stop.

"Edward-kun, are you all right?"Hawkeye asked worriedly, a hand going to his shoulder. Another hand shook his other side.

"Yo, boss, what's wrong?"Havoc.

"Are you all IDIOTS?"Edward ranted, choking on the words."Haven't you noticed that I've been plotting your doom this whole time?!"

"Doom?"came Fury's voice.

"You mean...that whole Christmas thing?"Farman.

"Wait, wait...boss, you think we're supposed to hate you for THAT?"asked Havoc in disbelief, and Ed chanced a look up at the others. No, it was unmistakable...the entire freaking military crew was laughing at him. He gave a melodramatic moan and buried his face in his hands again.

"Hey, you know..."said warrant officer Farman slowly,"I've been here for a while, right? In the military. And...Christmas is really BORING, isn't it?"

"It's the same old, same old,"agreed Breda."It even makes the booze taste a bit bad."

"Sometimes makes you wonder why we even bother,"admitted Fury, a trifle depressed.

"Well, I would say that the appearance of certain characters has livened the place up a bit,"interjected Havoc, words almost muffled by his tobacco stick,"but they always seem to make a habit outta duckin' out for the holidays. I think they were on some quest, you know, but who the hell wants to spend their Christmas vacation WORKING?"

Ed glared around at them all, he was getting where this was going. First Lieutenant Hawkeye's face appeared before him."Edward-kun,"she said, smiling most unlike herself,"I think I can say with total truth that I don't feel like my holiday has been ruined at all. And I'm sure the same could be said for the rest of my comrades."

Murmurs of assent around the room. Hawkeye went on."The efforts you put forth to make a mockery of this holiday were quite remarkable, but... Well, I can't say you've FAILED at anything, though you may not be satisfied with the results you've got."She stood up and smiled again."Through your efforts to ruin our Christmas, you've inadvertantly made it brighter."

Ed looked around at the many grinning faces in the room and seemed to take it into consideration. Then he hurriedly scrubbed his face with his sleeve and got to his feet."You morons better have gotten me something worthwhile,"he grumbled, starting towards the tree.

---------------------------------------------

Roy decided that in this one particular instant, he wouldn't mind not being the center of attention. Instead, he remained discreetly at the edge of the room, watching as Fullmetal stuffed his face full of cake and opened gift after gift, grumbling but unable to hide his pleasure.

When he thought about it, well and truly thought about it, he came to accept the fact that the boy was his polar opposite from when he was his age. When he was fifteen, he'd already been entangled in that dangerous game called military politics, and so he'd begun his battle to keep the things he felt from showing on his face. Not at all like that irascible youth sitting in the center of the room.

Which reminded him of something, something of moderate importance. He crossed over to his desk and pulled out a rectangular package wrapped in nondescript gold paper. The wrapping paper was a coincidence, dammit. He then stood behind the couch and shoved the gift under Fullmetal's nose.

"Merry Christmas,"he said, then amended his statement."No, happy early birthday."

The blonde looked shocked."F-For me?"Then he looked suspicious."What is it?"

Oh, and Roy couldn't resist a smirk."There's no point in wrapping it if I just tell you what it is,"he pointed out, then frowned for a moment."No, better yet, don't open it now. Later."

Which earned him inquisitive stares from not only Fullmetal, but from the rest of his personnel as well. He chose tactfully to ignore them, then turned for his desk. Then -

(A present? Did someone drop it?)The Flame Alchemist frowned.(Didn't Belle say she was going to leave me something wrapped like this, when we had to...cut our date short...yesterday?)

And he smirked; it would probably be something useless, but he couldn't refuse it if a beauty sent it.

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Edward stared down at the shimmer of gold in his lap before hastily tucking it into his coat pocket. It was small and quite compact, and fit in there easily. Still, he was baffled at it's very existence. He'd figured that this whole party setup had sort of been a generalized present by the taisa, so to receive something else was mind-boggling.

He scanned the office to see where exactly Mustang had gone off to, when he caught the man about to undo the bow off of an elaborately wrapped Christmas present, he very nearly had a medical condition right there.

"WAIT!"he roared, and with blinding speed managed to leap across the man's desk, cradling the package in his hands as though it were a football. A DANGEROUS football, at that.

Sprawled out on the floor, Ed managed a weak "Saved..." before a dark shadow loomed over him.

"It's selfish to think that every gift in this room was meant for you, Fullmetal,"Mustang said pleasantly enough, but there was the threat of something dangerous behind his words."I think it would be in your best interests to give that back."

Ed leapt to his feet in a single bound and shook his head stubbornly."Trust me, you wouldn't want this one."

"And why is that?"

"Well, uh..."The teen shook it, though carefully."Hear that? It's probably fruitcake."

"Fullmetal..."

"Sorry, taisa, but you'll have to - "Ed was cut off as Mustang made a swipe at him, missing by inches. He quickly realized that it would probably be in his best interests to flee, flee until he could find someplace to dump the odious package.

"Back in a flash!"he shouted, pouring everything he into a mad dash out of the office. Though he knew he wasn't free - he could hear the colonel bellowing his name while everyone else sort of laughed in disbelief - he still had a head start.

Here was hoping he could shake his irate commanding officer before the man took it to mind to bake him to a crisp.

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"What the hell just happened?"Havoc asked to Hawkeye, lighting up a new cigarette, for he had lost his old one from the shock of what had just happened, which was...well, which was what he was asking Hawkeye.

She stared at him like he was some sort of idiot(which who knew, maybe he was?)."You didn't NOTICE?"she stated blandly, pointing towards the door."Mustang-taisa was about to open a gift from a secret admirer when Edward-kun promptly went into a panic, stole said gift, and ran out the door with it."

"Yeah, yeah, but what the hell HAPPENED?"

Hawkeye gave a smirk that would have made the colonel proud, and gestured towards the window where Edward and the taisa could be seen darting after each other in the snow."Don't you get it? Edward-kun is one of Colonel Mustang's secret admirers."

Havoc lost his other cigarette in the sudden stampede to get to the window.

---------------------------------------------

The Flame Alchemist was IRATE. When he caught Fullmetal, he was going to bake him to a crisp, there was no doubt about that.

Though he was grudgingly forced to admit that the teen ran rather fast for having such short legs. Perhaps he was used to having to compensate.

Fullmetal didn't seem to have any particular idea where he was going, but he did seem to be heading for the front exit. Perhaps he figured that Roy would be deterred by the snow, which was as far from the truth as anything. No, the snow was just a minor nuisance for something with a title like, oh say...the FLAME Alchemist.

Fullmetal burst out of the front doors with the look on his face of one who was fleeing for his life(though judging by Roy's current mood, he probably was). He slipped for a second on the snow-covered sidewalk, quickly recovered, then headed for the street.

Which was no good, really; Roy didn't feel like chasing a short person through a sea of holiday vacationers, so with a long-suffering sigh he raised his fingers and snapped.

Game won, match set. All he could really see was a blonde braid flying through a whirlwind of flame and melting snow. It was probably appropriate punishment.

He walked down the now-clear sidewalk to where Fullmetal was struggling to pull his head out of a remaining snowdrift. He finally managed it, sending the white powder scattered everywhere. A sneeze expelled even more crystallized dust as he blinked up at his superior with white-fringed lashes. The boy's golden gaze quickly flicked around to the trees and snow that blocked escape from the back and the sides, over to Roy's fingers, which were poised and ready to snap. He could either accept defeat gracefully or go down fighting, and knowing Fullmetal...

------------------------------------------------

Edward brought his hands together with a clap and quickly dropped them onto the ground, transmuting the snowdrift he in which he had fallen into a sturdy wall, then darted out on the now-clear left side. He could hear the taisa's fingers snap behind him, felt a flash of heat pass his right ankle, but he was in the clear.

Rolling to his feet, he passed over to the other side of the military courtyard, planning to make an exit through the wall and seal it behind him, promptly preventing any further pursuit.

(Sure), he thought as he ran, (the taisa's gonna be super pissed at me, but it's better than the alternative, isn't it? I can't just let him have this ticking time bomb, but I can't admit that I'M the one who rigged it, either - not after everything he's done for me.)

And that thought made him stop right in his tracks, skidding dangerously enough as it was on the slippery snow. There was a second of concious thought - (Maybe I should MOVE) - before Mustang crashed into him and sent them both sprawling on the ground.

"Owowow..."Ed said weakly, sitting up with a hand to his throbbing head. He roughly kicked the other man off his legs and got to his feet, searching worriedly for the package that had caused this whole disturbance to begin with. There! There it was, the red bow poking out of the snow. Ed lunged for it and grabbed, connecting with the present about the same time another hand did.

"Let go!"he spat at the colonel, who looked as irritated as he was."You're being a bastard!"

And the man had the gall to look AFFRONTED."Me?"he repeated, shaking his head in disbelief."I was simply sitting at my desk opening a gift from one of my many female admirers, when you - "And he smirked then."You wouldn't happen to be JEALOUS, would you? Really, you couldn't have expected someone to notice you over me, I'm much more handsome by comparison..."

"Shut UP!"Ed roared, giving the present an almighty wrench.

Mustang yanked it back."Hit the nail on the head, have I? I always was an excellent judge of character."

Tug."You wish, Colonel Bastard! Someone needs to step on that swelled head of yours."

Tug."And I'm TALLER, too, not to mention much more suave and refined..."

That was it. Edward went nuts."I AM NOT SO SHORT THAT I COULD FIT IN THIS GIFT BOX!!!"he bellowed at the top of his lungs, grabbing the box back and getting to his feet in a huff, preparing to stalk away.

He got about two steps before he was dragged back down by a pair of arms around his legs. He rolled over his back to find himself effectively pinned by the colonel, though he still had possession of the present. He glared up at the older man, panting and waiting to see what he would do.

"You're...livelier than usual today,"Mustang commented sardonically, though his eyes were sparking and his smirk seemed somehow ominous."I'm sure it's hard to admit to yourself that I'm better than you in every way, but sometimes there's just no helping - "

"Listen, you arrogant bastard,"Edward interrupted, struggling to sit up and glare into those dark eyes."Stop thinking that - "Here his voice rose several decibals - "you're the world's greatest gift to women."Several more decibals."That present was from ME, you worthless IDIOT!!!"

And Edward pulled with all his might. Sadly - though it was more instinctively, the man was too stunned to really be aware of what he was doing - Mustang pulled just as hard from the opposite side.

With a foreboding splatting sound, Edward's world turned red.

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It had been a while since Roy had actually been rendered unable to THINK after an incident, though the circumstances for this were quite extenuous, he'd admit. As a matter of fact, it was probably a full half-minute before he'd even realized what had happened to him.

The ruined package on the snow next to him gave him an idea, the red gunk covering his torso only solidified that belief. It really had been too much to expect that Fullmetal had been planning on giving him a NORMAL gift. So a rigged one it was.

Now, what on earth WAS this gunk, and how easily could it be removed?

To ask this question, he stared down at Fullmetal, who had recovered from his surprise somewhat quickly, and was now looking at him with one eye squinched shut and the other barely open, meaning he was expecting serious repercussions for his latest blunder. He considered, for a brief instant, snapping his fingers and ending the boy's idiocy once and for all, but the thought was there and gone as though it never existed.

Instead - "What IS this? And please tell me it's not the blood of a something-or-other."

He was rewarded with both of the boy's eyes fluttering open."...Strawberry jam."And then - "I told you not to open it."

And for a spell, all they could do was stare at each other.

Then the realization of being covered from the waist up in strawberry jam because of a wrestling match in the snow with a fifteen-year old boy suddenly seemed so absurd that Roy Mustang, Flame Alchemist and one of the most powerful, professional people in the world, fell over onto his side and abruptly started laughing.

Though, his little bit of tattered ego was glad to observe, Fullmetal wasn't long in following suit.

AN-Oh, blah. Here it is. The end. ::cheers, hands out New Year's party favors and crap:: I'm glad to see that not all of my readers have deserted me. For those who are curious to see how the story wraps up, there will come the epilogue shortly after this. I have no idea when, seeing as how I'll be busy for most of tomorrow, and Saturday, and for most of Sunday. Sunday evening, at earliest. Please don't kill me, I've an aversion to being shot. ::is lit on fire:: That'll have to do, I suppose.

Next! The epilogue! But I'm not telling you the title. Nor am I giving you a preview. I am leaving you in suspense. ::gets shot:: Okay, I deserved that. Ja.

-tiger-