The White Dog
by Becky Tailweaver
Chapter 14: Accidental Truth
Hours passed.
Afternoon fell into evening, and still no Kagome. She had stormed off, angry and in tears, and it was to be expected that she'd be gone for some time, until she cooled off. However, when the sun touched the horizon and the shadows began to merge, a certain hanyou's growing concern became very noticeable.
Inuyasha could bear it no longer, getting more and more antsy by the minute. Kagome wasn't coming back--if something had happened to her--
He shuddered at the thought. There were youkai around, though--ones that wouldn't hesitate to snap up a tender morsel of human female.
Shippo did nothing; after Kagome left, he changed back into his clothes and curled up near her pack to nap. His sleeping form seemed almost to accuse Inuyasha out loud. "It's your fault, you take care of it."
Inuyasha growled. The kitsune could annoy and accuse him even when he was asleep! But it was true; this thing with Kagome was partly his own doing. He was man enough to admit that--to himself if not out loud.
Grumbling to himself, he hopped down to the bank and trotted off in the direction Kagome had gone, following her distinctive scent through the riverside trees and up the gently sloping ridge
What was he supposed to do with her? He hadn't meant to get so angry about the book; she was only curious, but he was touchy about how people regarded him. If she thought he was just some stupid--
He growled, cutting that line of reasoning off right there. He knew, deep down, that she didn't. She was much too kind to think of anyone that way, least of all him.
What he didn't understand was why she was so very angry at him. Sure, there had been insults traded, but then...he did that all the time, didn't he? Why was she upset now?
This whole screwed-up mess just...hurt. He wanted things to be back the way they were, even if it meant shard-hunting and meaningless squabbles. Hell, he'd even welcome getting a sit and a screeching lecture from her--anything, if only it meant she wasn't really angry with him.
Her scent became stronger, closer, and silently he followed it. He found her lying at the base of a willow tree in a grassy glade, her towel wrapped around her like a blanket, her mostly-dry hair spilling in a dark wavy fall around her shoulders.
She was sound asleep in the soft grass; as he approached, he caught himself thinking...she seemed beautiful and...vulnerable. Small. Sad. So completely alone. Her face was drawn and troubled, even in sleep.
The young hanyou was quite surprised to hear the soft sob that emerged from her--he would have thought her done with crying hours ago. Curious, with concern he would not admit, he crouched down near her, ready to spring, seeing the tears glistening on her lashes as she trembled in the throes of some unknown dream.
What's troubling her?
"Leave him alone..." she murmered, nearly sending him leaping away from her in surprise. Her limbs twitched, just barely, and her face twisted faintly into expressions of fear and pain.
She's only talking in her sleep. What is she dreaming? What's hurting her? Inuyasha leaned close, feeling suddenly as though he wanted to climb into her dream and protect her from whatever was tormenting her. Her stricken face and dream-shed tears cut into something deep within him.
"No...leave him alone..." Kagome sobbed softly again, her faint movements a little more violent this time. "...let me go...Kikyo...stay away...don't hurt him..."
Kikyo again... Why does that woman haunt Kagome's nightmares so much?
"Wait...Inuyasha...please...don't go away..." Kagome jerked as if struck, hands gripping her towel and turning her knuckles white. "Don't leave...alone...please..."
Inuyasha came even closer beside her, ready to jump away, wishing he could offer comfort somehow. Kagome, what's Kikyo doing to you? Is she leading me away again? Why am I leaving you alone?
"Please...Inuyasha...I love you..."
Struck to the core, the hanyou froze, his heart suddenly pounding hard and loud in his ears, his breath turning to ragged gasps as his blood heated in his veins. He couldn't even think in that moment--his mind had stopped, incoherent; all he could do was just look at her...
He was uncontrollably dizzy--and he was perfectly balanced. He couldn't see straight at all--and everything was clear. He was confused--and he was certain. He was afraid--and he was overjoyed.
Then he realized what it all meant.
Kagome...is in love...with me...?
His expression was frozen somewhere between joy and horror, while his mind, at last unlocked, ran on frantically in denial. No...no, you can't be... Kagome, it's not right--you can't do this--you can not destroy your life for me! Kikyo already--I can't do that to you! I don't want it to happen to you, too! I'm not worth your pain. You can't love me, Kagome--you just can't. You're too good and sweet and wonderful and pure. You can't mean it--you just can't mean it...oh, Kagome...!
"No...!" he rasped--before he realized he was speaking aloud.
Kagome stirred suddenly, roused from her dream by his one hoarse exclamation. Inuyasha froze again, caught just long enough for her sapphire eyes to lock with his. She stared at him for a long time.
"Inuyasha...what do you want?"
The painful weariness in her voice made him flinch, and he fought to regain his composure. "You...you shouldn't...go off alone around here," he growled, managing at the last moment to keep his customary brusque front, as if the whole thing--the arguments, and especially her admission--had never happened. Maybe they could just forget about it all and go back to the way things were... "Come on, then. Let's go back."
He saw her throat move in a swallow, and she looked away. "I...I can't right now. I...don't think I want to. Please, just..."
"K'so--there's youkai around here, you know!" Inuyasha left his sullen-growly attitude behind in favor of his outraged-yelling one--it was an easier mask. He felt something boiling inside him--something that he didn't understand but could only barely contain.
"I know that."
Her voice was practically empty; the hollowness of it reminded him painfully of Kikyo and he flinched again, this time with an audible intake of breath. "It's dangerous, Kagome, and you know it! You're coming back with me!" His voice, for once, was not a snarl or a shout. It was almost a questioning tone, almost plaintive.
She still wouldn't look at him. "Inuyasha, just go away--!"
"Shut up. Now get on your feet and let's go back to the river."
She didn't move.
"Come on, wench, get your ass off the ground and let's go! Or do I have to carry you?"
Still no movement.
"Kagome!" He leaned close and spoke loudly at her. "Listen up! We are in a wild region with several powerful resident youkai that I happen to know for a fact frequent this area--" At least they did fifty years ago. "--and any one of them would be happy to find you here--for an evening snack!"
"It can't be any worse than going back..."
He jerked back, struck.
"It's the same whether I go with you or not, isn't it?" Kagome whispered brokenly, still not even looking at him. She seemed...almost lifeless, as though her fire was gone. She looked weary, so very lonely, and it made him hurt somehow as well. "To you or any other youkai, I mean nothing but Shikon shards..."
"What--but the--who do--?" Inuyasha spluttered helplessly, stunned by the hopelessness that radiated from her, unable to form a jointed sentence. "But they don't--they'll--I'm--it's not--!"
I'm not like those youkai! he wanted to shout. I don't kill people for the fun of it! I don't enjoy blood and carnage like they do! They hurt others like they're squashing ants! They don't love anyone like I can!
His stuttering ran to a halt with that thought. What the hell? I don't--I won't love anyone.
Then why the hell am I out here making a fool of myself trying to save her neck? he demanded of himself. She mocked me, she called me names--she called me dog... Can't I just walk away and leave her to her stupidity?
Though he tried, he remained frozen to the spot. I can't. What is so important about this scrawny wench that puts me through a wringer every time? What is it about this little twit that makes me love her so much? I'd never--whoa! Shit! What the hell did I just think?
No! I know better than to let it happen... He looked at Kagome, her face still turned away from him, and felt his iron will bend. I don't want to put her through what Kikyo and I...
But I...I do care about her... Inuyasha stared at her helplessly, coming to a profound realization. I care about her. Why else would I worry about her dreams, or come out here and beg her to come back?
He came close, crouching by her side. "Kagome...will you come back with me?" he asked, his rough voice nearly a whisper of sincere entreaty. "Uh...please?"
Kagome's eyes snapped open, her expression gone nearly stunned as she suddenly sat up and faced him. "You're...asking?" She noticed suddenly how close he was to her--how she'd almost come nose-to-nose with him--and a faint blush colored her cheeks.
"I'm asking," he mumbled, drawing back and looking down. "Look, I'm...sorry...I...yelled at you today."
"You're--you're apologizing?" She put a cool hand to his forehead. "Are you feeling okay?"
He flushed and batted her hand away. "I'm fine, dammit! Now will you come back?" Stop doing this to me--I'm trying to be nice. "You've got to come back--it's dangerous out here and...and the twerp is worried sick about you..."
Kagome looked at him for a long time, something unfathomable in her eyes--something stirring and sparkling deep within like a dawning sunrise. He could almost feel the warmth come back into her. All he could do was stare back at her, afraid to move, or speak--whatever she seemed to see in his eyes, it was working...
"I'll come back with you," she said quietly at last, freeing him from the thrall of worry he'd been trapped in. He let out a ghost of a sigh as she rose from the grass, wrapping her towel around herself, and Inuyasha walked silently and closely behind her as they made their slow way back toward the river.
Kagome's thoughts were once again turned inward, contemplating this strange and painful series of events and the argument she'd had with her nemesis/guardian/companion/friend. Was it just her own perception...or had something...changed about Inuyasha?
Maybe...maybe I went too far with the dog thing...or the water thing... she thought morosely, still depressed at the thought of how they both had acted. But he's just so mean and difficult and proud! Can't he just treat me nicely once in a while? But...I wasn't being very nice to him, either...
Inuyasha struggled to keep from staring at her as he followed, confused and near-frightened by his own feelings. His mind was flooded with sudden awareness, as if a Pandora's Box had been opened, allowing everything--good and bad--to flutter out and bounce around in his head. Caring, ownership, affection, exhasperation, love, impatience, protectiveness...he could not find names for all the other emotions attatched to the girl in front of him.
I care about her. He could admit it to himself, even if he couldn't yet say it to her. I care enough to waste my time keeping her safe. I protect her--with my life sometimes. Something I've never done--never had to do--for Kikyo. Hell, Kikyo even had to protect me. But Kagome...
Old worries sprang up, fears and cares he held inside--for her safety and health in the course of their tumultous adventures. She's almost helpless. She...she needs me like no one ever has. And...I protect her. She makes me want to protect her. Inaudibly, he snarled at himself. Must be the dog in me... Shit, that stupid book was right. But...I've felt this way for such a long time--what's made it come out now? What is it about a fight, an argument--not even life-or-death--that's made me realize this? Why did it have to come from something so nasty--something she might never forgive me for?
A fleeting image passed through his mind--an image where Kagome stood in her schoolyard talking and laughing with all her friends, especially that faceless human boy he'd smelled on her before. She was always happy in her own world--probably happy with whoever the hell that guy was, and that thought brought with it a flash of hot, unadulterated jealousy.
A familiar emotion, now that he knew what it was. He'd never really realized how close he was coming to losing her. She could just give up on him if he continued to treat her like he had--she was not made of stone, yet he acted as if she had no feelings at all.
Ofukuro would be ashamed of me, he growled silently. I've been an ass--inexcusable...
These things had always been there between them--even from the beginning. Her actions, her kindness, her efforts to reach out; his sullenness, his selfish insistence, his foul-tempered words--today was just the day they clashed at last....and something had finally broken loose. They had hurt each other badly, and if this was left to fester it could destroy their friendship.
Kagome would give up trying; he'd seen her lose her fire today--and without that she'd never have the strength to stay beside him through everything. He'd come close to breaking her heart for good this time--she'd cry, and she would go away, and she would never come back...
She'd leave him behind to go back to her world, back to her own life, with her sunny-faced girlfriends and the human boy he knew only by scent--and he'd be alone forever--
She can't go, his mind insisted abruptly, balking at the notion. She can't leave me--not for him. He has no right to touch her! She's mine!
The feral posessiveness in his own thoughts startled him, bringing with it a tsunami of epiphany he was helpless to deny. Kami-sama, I...I do love her.
Just like she loves me.
But she doesn't know I heard...she doesn't know how I feel...
"I'm sorry."
Inuyasha was jerked out of his internal soliloquy; interrupted at a crucial moment, he gaped at her for a bare moment. If he had not posessed the extraordinary hearing of an inu-youkai, he would never have caught her whisper. "What?" he grumbled, composing himself.
"I...I shouldn't have said those mean things to you," Kagome said softly, her voice cracking faintly with held-back tears. She slowed her pace, gradually stopping, until he came up beside her. "And the book...it was wrong of me to think I could learn about you that way. What I said back there...you can't help being part inu-youkai, and...I can't insult that."
"You make it sound like there's something wrong with me!" he barked sharply. Your opinion matters so much...if you think I'm a dog, then...what else is there for me?
"That's not what I meant!" Kagome hastily assured him, near-terrified that she'd set off his temper again. "If I get in a fight with you, I should be arguing with you, not insulting what you are. There were some kids who used to tease me for being a...shrine girl...and I realized...all those dog jokes and the things everyone says...it's totally unfair to you. Especially...the things I said."
He blinked, swallowing hard, unable to phrase a response.
"I've been thinking about what you said all day," she went on, sniffling a little. "I guess what made me so mad was I knew I was wrong...and I didn't want to admit it to you. And instead of apologizing and talking it out...I just called you names and hurt your feelings." She was completely contrite, standing there with her head bowed and tears on her cheeks. "Inuyasha...I'm really...very sorry."
Inuyasha stared at her in surprise, finding himself touched. It was rare indeed that anyone apologized to him; he was so used to being brushed off or simply insulted again that he almost couldn't bring himself to expect apology from anyone.
"Kagome...I..." Her downcast expression made him a little uncomfortable; he never enjoyed seeing her cry, and wanted desperately restore things to the way they were. He cleared his throat, hoping his voice didn't wobble, and tried again. "I...should apologize, too. You were trying to be nice, and...I flew off the handle. I shouldn't have...blown up at you. It's not really...you I was mad at."
Sniffling again, she nodded a bit, continuing to stare at the ground.
Lighten the mood, dog-boy, his brain scolded him. She needs something to make her smile!
He was struck by the sudden inspiration to make sport with the very thing that most represented the heart of the argument--and by doing so, render it harmless. So, with a sudden humorous, toothy grin, he wiggled his ears about, letting them flop at jaunty angles and causing her to look at him in surprise. "It was an honest mistake on your part," he said, in a clear tone of jest. "I mean, these stupid fuzzy ears can be a little hard to ignore, you know?"
"But I like your ears!" Kagome protested unthinkingly--then blushed and giggled softly, both in embarrassment and at how funny he looked with his ears all crooked. "I can't believe you're being so silly," she said shyly through her laughter, wondering what had just gotten into him.
He was suddenly being nice--and why was he being funny for her? He'd never demonstrated much of a sense of humor before--why was he suddenly grinning and teasing?
"I've...got a question for you, though," he said, straightening his ears and keeping his voice even.
"Hm?" she responded, still surprised at his lack of umbrage at her "silly" comment.
"How come you didn't sit me when you were mad at me earlier?" he inquired quickly, before he lost the nerve. "You've only sat me once today."
Kagome looked at the ground again, taking a deep breath. Reminded of her petulance earlier, she felt ashamed once again. "After this morning...I promised myself I'd never say that word on you unless it was for a real reason...not just me being spiteful or mean or just mad at you. It's not fair to you and it's not right for me."
Inuyasha suddenly paused, gripping his prayer-bead necklace. "Then why don't you just take this whole damn thing off me?"
Kagome glanced away, looking uncomfortable. "Because...I don't know... Sometimes you..."
"You don't trust me. Is that it?" His brows lowered, hiding the hurt once more.
"I..."
"You don't even trust me. After all this time you still think I'd turn on you?" His earlier hesitance was drowned in sudden and acutely painful betrayal. How can she say she loves me and still not trust me?
Kagome looked as though she were about to say something, then paused, reconsidering. "You...really want an honest answer?"
"So you do still think that way." Inuyasha's scowl deepened, darkening with ache. "I'm still just a youkai to you."
"No--not like that..." Kagome hesitated, wavering, agonizing over her words. "I just...you call me horrible things...you threaten me and snarl at me all the time...sometimes you--you just frighten me, Inuyasha. Sometimes I feel like...all I have is the rosary, or you'd...you'd..."
"But...I'd never...!" Inuyasha stuttered, shocked at her brutal candor. "I couldn't...!"
I do love you, Kagome--I could never hurt you! his heart cried out, bared in honesty--but the words didn't reach his mouth.
"My mind knows you wouldn't, but...have you ever seen yourself when you're mad, Inuyasha?" Kagome asked softly, not making eye contact, looking down instead of at his dumbstruck, distressed face. "You...scare me sometimes when you're angry at me. You show your fangs, and your hair gets bristly, and your eyes almost glow and...and...I get scared. And...that word is all I have...when..."
Inuyasha gulped, internally cringing--seeing the bitter truth, the hole he'd dug for himself with all those loud arguments, cruel snarls, and empty threats. No wonder she was frightened; to all humans, youkai were creatures of blood and death and horror, and he'd done nothing but reinforce that. She was still afraid, somewhere deep inside.
His own insecurities about his youkai nature were bad enough; her admission to moments of terror when he got angry was crushing. She still thought he might harm her, even though she loved him?
I am such an ass! What a horrible thing to put her through! "You...you can't think that I'd...I'd really hurt you...after all we've been through...?" I love you! Can't you trust me? If only what his heart spoke could make its way past his throat.
"I know--I know..." There were tears on Kagome's face again--she looked anguished by her own admission. "My head knows that, my heart knows that--but I can't help what I feel sometimes! I know I should trust you, Inuyasha...I can't even explain..."
"You can trust me, Kagome! Because I..." Because I love you--dammit, now why is that so hard for me to say? "I..."
Kagome would've giggled, had the situation not been so grave. He looked so helpless standing there, jaw slack and ears set crookedly in confusion and hesitation. "Inuyasha...?"
"I...I've saved your life, haven't I?" he finally choked out. "If I wanted you dead, I could've just...just...let them have you!"
Kagome winced. "I know...I know I'm valuable to you--the Shikon no Tama--"
"That's not what I meant!"
Startled, she blinked at him. "Then...what do you mean?"
"You're not important just for that--" He paused, looking for the right words. "You're not...just a shard detector."
"Inuyasha...I just don't understand you sometimes," Kagome sighed at last, tearfully confused. "So much of the time, you talk like you hate me, and you threaten me and you yell--but then you turn around and you save my life, and act like you actually care about me."
"Uh--!" Inuyasha's tongue froze while his mind railed. I love you! "I...I..." I don't want to spoil everything we have because of love! What happened to Kikyo--I don't want that for Kagome!
The hanyou pulled together every ounce of will--everything he had to say what he could, as close as he could come to the truth. "I think...you're...my friend..." He looked up at her, unsure. "Aren't you?" Shit, that sounds pathetic!
Kagome drew back with a deep breath; behind the relief, something almost disappointed shone, quickly hidden, in her eyes. "Well...yes...we're friends. We've known each other long enough, right?"
"....right." He let out a shaky breath. She believes me. Now we can go back to the way things were before...and this time the one I love won't get hurt. We can just be friends...
"Um, do you want a ride back?" he offered hesitantly. Why am I feeling so awkward all of a sudden?
"Sure." Finally, she smiled at him, cheerful-looking yet...still wan. She climbed onto his back, quiet and withdrawn--she said nothing more about her hurt, but only clung to his shirt and hid her face.
Gritting his teeth, Inuyasha swallowed his feelings and loped off for the riverbank.