The White Dog
by Becky Tailweaver
Chapter 18: Panic Attack
Kaede's herbs had only taken a couple of hours, and Kagome found herself to be of little actual help to the old woman. She knew almost nothing about healing herbs, but she learned a bit as they went along, and Kaede seemed happy to teach her. She now knew a few herbs that could help break a fever, reduce bleeding, put a person to sleep, and soothe burns.
After her lesson, Kagome ended up wandering through the outskirts of the village, wondering when Inuyasha was going to return. She found herself longing for the warm, reassuring sensation of his presence nearby, and wondered if he received any similar sensations from her. Her presence did seem to comfort him and make him stronger, but she wasn't really sure what he felt. But he was able to fall asleep easily near her, and as Kaede had said, with her beside him he slept like the dead.
The memory of him sleeping peacefully on the towel beside her came back to her; she rubbed his ears, soothing his cares away--and then she lay down beside him, close to his warmth, her skin brushing his and sending tingles through her...
Soon, the tingles turned cold and she realized a youkai was approaching. She panicked, whirling--and spotted Ginnezu strolling up the village street toward her. She said nothing as the inu-youkai passed her by.
But Ginnezu looked over her shoulder, a smug, snarling expression on her coldly beautiful face. "I win," she said softly, her voice little more than a purring growl. "See you around, ningen."
With that, she continued on without a backward glance, heading for her customary perch atop Kaede's roof.
Kagome felt shock thrill through her as she turned and hurried away from the youkai's presence. What had Ginnezu won? What did she mean? Her memory rewound to Inuyasha's close encounter with Ginnezu the previous afternoon--and the thought of the female inu-youkai wrapping her arms around him made Kagome frown in anger, her countenance darkening.
That hussy! she mentally hissed. Throwing herself at him like that! She made him feel so bad he was almost sick about it! Is that what she won? Is that what she's talking about?
What was she up to--and what had Ginnezu done to make Inuyasha react like that? Whatever she'd done, it had turned him fierce and...inhuman for a moment. It had frightened Kagome as much as it had Inuyasha.
It also made her inexplicably jealous, as if Ginnezu had something--some part of Inuyasha that Kagome would never know.
She does, Kagome realized, her heart twisting. She's inu-youkai--and half of him is like her. He can be so nice; he's been so...human lately I've forgotten there's a whole other side to him...and she knows that side better than I do.
"I win."
Ginnezu's echoing words made her grit her teeth angrily. No way. No way is she going to do anything to Inuyasha! Even if I have to win him for myself, I can't let her take him away!
Her own thoughts surprised her, but how could a helpless little human girl like Kagome ever understand the side of Inuyasha that Ginnezu had such easy access to? All she could do was relate to his human half; in a way, she was dependent on it--it was her only window into the being that was Inuyasha. She knew, somehow, that to be able to understand Inuyasha, she had to understand all of him.
And to do that, she had to learn.
But Inuyasha would not talk to her about such things...or else he didn't know much himself. And Ginnezu... Kagome shuddered. Ginnezu would not tell her anything useful.
The only one she could maybe depend on was Shirokiba-san. Despite the fact that he was a youkai, he was a friend of Inuyasha's and he was quite nice--at least in her experience, and she wasn't afraid of him like she was of Ginnezu. She did fear him...but it was more like a respectful sort of fear--she recognized his strength and prowess and did not have any doubts that he could kill her in an instant. Her only defense was that he knew she was Inuyasha's friend, and he seemed to care about the hanyou a lot.
Dare she seek him out to ask him the questions she had? Did she even know what to ask him? And was she prepared to face the consequences of reaching out to Inuyasha?
I want to, she thought firmly. I've made up my mind--it doesn't matter what Ginnezu says to me. I want to do this...for myself. For him. He risked hitting Kikyo for me--can I risk less for him? I want to do this because I love him, and I want to be with him...and I want to know that.
I just wish I wasn't so afraid to tell him!
The forest was so nice and still, Kagome mused as she let her feet lead her beyond the well and deeper into the trees. She'd found herself longing for Inuyasha's presence, for the warmth and contentment his proximity brought, so she wandered out into the woods in hopes of running across him.
Or, more accurately, that he would notice her there and come running. She didn't have a hope of locating him by herself in these woods.
I wonder if he's still hunting? she thought with a shiver.
She hadn't actually seen him hunt before. Sure, she'd seen him in a fight, ripping youkai to shreds--but that wasn't like hunting; that was battle. She imagined hunting was more like what she'd seen on the nature channel back home--fast and quiet while running the prey into the ground, dragging down a moose or something like the timber wolves on television.
She was deep in the woods, now, far beyond the safety of the trails--and if she didn't find him soon, she was most likely going to end up lost. And that would be really irresponsible of her--plus it would make him mad.
He always got mad when he was worried.
She shivered again, apprehensive. Did he already go back? Am I just wandering around here for nothing?
The forest's quiet became suddenly oppressive. The tiny cheeps of birds and rustles of squirrels faded out, making her footsteps loud in the silence--and a sudden flicker of movement caught her eye.
A small brown deer browsed near a thicket in clearing not seven meters from her. She stopped, almost holding her breath, to watch in silent wonder as the beautiful animal delicately plucked leaves and chewed on twigs. It was a fine young doe, relaxed but alert as she fed on the rich foliage of the thicket.
Kagome let herself smile as she watched, admiring; the doe seemed to glance at her, unconcerned, then return to eating.
There was no warning--no sound, no sensation, no hint of presence until movement blurred through the bushes. The deer had no time to leap, nor even to bleat in fear. There was no growl from the hunter, no noise at all--merely the thud of bodies colliding, the sharp crack! as fangs bit deep and broke the deer's neck with a single twist of the hunter's head. The doe did not suffer--she was dead far too quickly.
Kagome could only brace herself weakly against the tree behind her, her hands clasped over her mouth in shock so great her stomach turned. Finally, she had to gasp for air--startling the hunter, who crouched fiercely over his kill like a falcon mantling its prey.
Inuyasha jumped up, whirling with wild golden eyes to spot Kagome staring at him--her eyes huge and almost glassy with some kind of horror. He glanced at the doe at his feet and realized with some alarm that she'd seen him make the kill.
Suddenly self-conscious, he wiped blood from his mouth on the back of his sleeve and stepped in front of the deer, hiding it from her view. "Kagome--what are you doing here?" he demanded, half gruff and half startled.
"I...I came looking for...you," she quavered, slowly getting over her surprise. It had been so sudden, so shocking--and despite the warmth of his presence, she found herself a little afraid once more as she approached him. She had been reminded once again--harshly--that this was not an ordinary boy that she was walking up to.
Inuyasha was half youkai--powerful, dangerous, a fierce fighter and deadly predator. Compared to his viciousness in battle and the brutal efficiency he'd demonstrated in dispatching the doe, it was clear that he treated her quite gently when he dealt with her.
"I found a deer," Inuyasha announced lamely as she came close. "I...uh...thanks for your help."
Kagome blinked. "Help?"
"I wasn't approaching right--I wasn't all the way downwind," the hanyou admitted. "But it was watching something else instead of me."
Kagome wasn't sure she felt proud or guilty. "You mean I...distracted her?"
"Well...yeah." Inuyasha seemed anxious not to upset her--as if the sight of one dead deer could upset her after all the shredded youkai and brutalized humans she'd seen in her time with him.
Kagome mustered a smile for him. Hesitantly, she drew out her hankerchief and dabbed at the remaining blood on his chin. "You're a mess," she scolded shyly.
Inuyasha flushed. "I...um...we should get back." He turned to the deer and hoisted the still-warm carcass over his shoulder. As he headed out, Kagome falling in beside him, he chewed his lip and marshalled his courage. "I'm sorry I...scared you."
"Oh--you didn't scare me," Kagome was quick to reassure him. "I was just startled--I didn't know you were there."
"Some people...get upset if they see me hunt," he confessed, looking almost ashamed. "Ofukuro...she understood, but she never wanted to watch me do it."
"It's okay--I've seen animals hunt before. On the television, you know?"
He glanced at her. "Then why were you so scared?"
"I guess it's...not the same as being there." She looked up at him, meeting his eyes. "I told you, I'm not going to be scared of you any more."
"Hm..." He could never tell her how much it relieved him to hear her say that. Despite the fact that he knew she'd been a little frightened--and it was probably not the last time--their last big talk had obviously strengthened her resolve. She had agreed, they were supposed to be friends...
It seemed to take a lot less time to get back to the village than it had to wander all the way out into the woods. Kagome noticed the villagers watching them curiously--perhaps even enviously, at the sight of the freshly-killed deer on Inuyasha's shoulder.
Shirokiba met them outside Kaede's house, and went around back with them to help butcher and hang the carcass. Kagome didn't want to stay for the "gross part," so she headed inside to help Kaede finish preparing lunch.
The two youkai prepared the deer with remarkable efficiency--their claws were faster, sharper, and more dextrous than any knife of steel. No cuts were botched and the butchering was absolutely clean. They could skin the doe perfectly without leaving a mark on the hide; Inuyasha folded the fresh pelt and set it aside, a contemplative look on his face.
The two youkai talked, laughed, and joked as they cleaned out the carcass, reminiscing about happy times or having a chortle or two at Ginnezu's expense. Often one of them would pop a particularly tender morsel into his mouth--after checking to see that no humans were watching. The meat itself they did not touch--that was for their picky human friends--but the tender organs were tasty delicacies; large bites of warm liver or fresh heart were frequently snacked upon by the two hunters.
Once the deer was hanging, Shirokiba and Inuyasha ensured that the remaining unpalatable entrails were properly disposed of before they attracted any unwelcome scavengers. They were just washing their hands in a bowl of water when Kagome poked her head out the door to announce that there was hot soup on the fire ready to eat.
Inuyasha was more than happy to enjoy a hot meal despite his nibbling, and readily followed Kagome inside. Shirokiba was particularly hungry, as he'd spent a long, frazzled night watching after Ginnezu.
They all talked pleasantly as they entered, but Inuyasha became unsettled as soon as he walked in. There was a smell in the room--one that made the hair on his body prickle and stand up. He stood immobile just inside the doorway as he sniffed the air, his gaze both distant and focused, and the others quickly noticed his hesitance.
Kaede crossed the room in front of him on her way to her storage chests, where she was putting away the last of her medicinal supplies. She carried a folded handful of bandages as she stopped near him, a look of concern on her face. "Are you hale?" she asked, seeing his pale face.
"Wh-what's that smell?" he asked hoarsely.
Kaede raised a brow. "Fairy thyme and bloodberry," she replied simply. "Some of the village girls brought some in for me this morning. The plants are very rare--I haven't had any to use in years--but some of the best healing poltices can be made from..." She trailed off as Inuyasha swallowed hard and stared at the bandages in her hand, something dark and horrified flashing through his eyes.
"What's wrong?" Kagome asked curiously from her place by the fire.
Inuyasha began to back away, his voice cracking. "I...uh...I have to...to go..." With one last helpless look at Kagome, he turned and fled out the door, his feet pattering down the hard-packed street outside.
Kagome and Kaede stared after him, both of them frankly surprised. "What was that about?" Kagome asked confusedly, cradling her bowl of soup.
"Excuse me," Shirokiba said politely, setting down his meal and following after Inuyasha at a more sedate pace. He, too, vanished without explanation.
"That was...weird," Kagome spoke up for the third time, still puzzled--and beginning to grow very worried.
Kaede sighed wearily, setting the bandages in her medicine chest. "Inuyasha might have some memory associated with fairy thyme and bloodberry. Perhaps he was injured badly and someone healed him, and the scent brings memories of that time. However..."
"However what?"
"Only Kikyo-oneesama, myself, and a few other holy folk know the way to prepare the two herbs to make a healing poltuce. In truth, they are used mainly by youkai in their healing remedies--few humans know of them."
"Then it must have been Shirokiba-san who--!" Kagome gasped, her heart suddenly wringing. The rat pit! The herbs make him remember how he was hurt in the rat pit!
His face had been so pale, his eyes so large--it seemed like he'd shrunk from a confident hanyou to a quivering puppy at the sight of the bandages in Kaede's hands, combined with the scent of the herbs. Kagome wondered how the mere scent had the power to do that to him, when he'd held out so well against the rats they'd faced.
Inuyasha sat at the edge of the fields, hidden from view by the tall, grassy sledges that bordered the croplands. His knees were folded up to his chin, his arms wrapped around them, and he simply stared into space, his ears set pensively.
Shirokiba came silently through the tall grass, moving smoothly to crouch beside him. "Are you alright?"
Inuyasha lifted his chin from his knees. "It all came back. For a minute it was all back again..."
Shirokiba sighed and sat down. "You can't keep running away from it, mutt. Sooner or later you're going to have to confront it."
"I can't." Once again, the hanyou buried his face in his knees.
"If you don't, you're going to explode. I know what happened to you was terrible--I can never even begin to fathom what you went through. But you have to let it out someday, or it'll eat you alive."
Inuyasha said nothing.
"Even if you can't talk to me, there's a very concerned young lady back there who cares about you very much. She could help you, if you let her."
"She can't understand."
"No, maybe not. But she can listen."
"She'll never understand. No one can!" Inuyasha's voice was heavy and choked. "It all came back in there, and it's in my head now, running backwards and forwards again and again... I barely got through with the rats in that damn cave and that big rat-bastard you killed--I managed to keep it down through all that shit that happened. I thought since I made it through all that stuff that I had it under control--maybe I'd never have to feel it again. But...that one little thing--just those stupid herbs...they brought it all back even worse than the rats did..."
Shirokiba didn't pry, not wanting to press him into speaking more than he chose to. He did not look in Inuyasha's direction; the young hanyou did not want anyone to witness his tears, even though he hid his face. "Look, mutt...you can't hide from everyone forever. Sooner or later, this is going to come to a head. Like the smell of the herbs--you can't predict when something will trigger it. Like the first time with Kikyo, when Naraku set you two off on each other--do you want Kagome to have to see something like that? Huh?"
"No," Inuyasha replied miserably.
"Then I suggest you find a way to resolve this. I know it was horrible--I know what was done to you was wrong and painful and nothing can ever change that. But you can't keep it bottled up inside you like a festering sore--it will only get worse." The wolf-dog leaned a little closer, his voice as gentle as ever. "You've pushed everyone away for so long that you're starting to harm yourself. I know Ginnezu's been no help, but honestly...she's the least of your worries right now. You should be more concerned about what you're going to do if you boil over again."
"But how do I get away from this? It's in my head again and it won't stop..."
"Don't let it get to you," Shirokiba urged. "Be calm; give yourself some time to let it subside. It's just a memory, Inuyasha--it isn't happening now. It'll never happen again."
"I know that!" Inuyasha hissed, still not raising his head. "I know but I can still feel it and see it and smell it...fire and Ofukuro's blood and those freaking rats...!"
"Easy there, kid...easy," Shirokiba soothed gently, with a light touch on his shoulder. He couldn't hope for more; Inuyasha's experiences had made him painfully shy of physical contact. "Have you had any nightmares lately?"
"Not...for a couple months."
"Good. That's good."
"But...this'll bring them back," Inuyasha husked, sounding almost...terrified. "It always does...worse than ever. Just a whiff of some damn herbs--!"
"Shh, it's alright," Shirokiba murmured, squeezing his shoulder. "What makes it worse is when you get upset. Relax, kid...I'm here, and it isn't happening. You're safe."
The wolf-dog youkai's gentle whisper was infused with a low, comforting rumble--one that had once lulled a frightened hanyou pup back to sleep after nights of torturous dreams. It was soothing even now, calming to Inuyasha's anguished mind, and the two sat in stillness for a long time, letting the afternoon's breezes ruffle their hair and warm their skin.
"I can't go back there right now," Inuyasha said softly, after a while. "Tell...tell Kagome I'm sorry. I'll...wait for the air to clear...or something. I just...can't go back right now."
"I understand." Shirokiba got to his feet. "I'll tell her--but you think about what I said."
The wolf-dog strode away through the grass, as silent as when he arrived. When his friend was gone, Inuyasha raised his head at last, revealing a face that was streaked with the trails of a few hard-fought tears. "Kagome," he whispered, his expression still painful, but softening. "Kagome..."
Shirokiba could immediately sense Ginnezu in the trees across the street from Kaede's hut. He paused there on the packed earth, not looking in her direction but fully aware that she knew he perceived her.
"Leave him alone, Ginnezu-sama," he called out. "If you persist, you'll only make things worse."
There was no reply.
"Ginnezu-sama, if you push him too far, you won't like what will happen. He will snap, and you will die. He'll kill you."
Finally, a response--a silver-haired form dropped out of the tree, eyes alight with rage.
"Do not presume to order me to cease anything, Hunter," Ginnezu said coldly. "No half-Wolf bastard like you can challenge me. I will not be dissuaded from my prize--I will posess him." Her amber eyes glittered. "Damn you, I'll have this--I've been thwarted at everything I've wanted throughout my entire life--but this time I'll have what I want! I will have him!"
Shirokiba gazed evenly at her, his expression both angry and pitying. "So be it," he said wearily. "But be warned--Inuyasha is already unstable, and a large part of it has to do with your arrival and your attempts at manipulating him. For you to continue would be disastrous. For you...and for him."
Ginnezu continued to glare, her head high.
Shirokiba sighed, turning away. "So be it," he repeated. "I will not caution you again, Silver Lady."
In a moment he was gone, returned to Kaede's hut to finish his meal.
Ginnezu gazed after him for a time, her eyes hard, before leaping back into her tree to continue her meditations. She snorted disdainfully; what did she have to fear? She was getting what she wanted--and no one could stand in her way.