I'm sorry it's been awhile since my update but I am happy to share my next chapter! It will get happier I promise
I woke up early Friday morning before the sun even came out. It's this damn intern schedule that keeps me from being able to sleep in on my few and far between days off. As much as I think my body needs rest, it's now accustomed to 4 hours of sleep a night and goblet sized intake of caffeine every morning.
Susan was kind enough to make me a bed on the Grey's living room couch, so I quickly folded up the sheets and blankets and put them in a stack on the edge of the coffee table. I wouldn't be going back to bed, and I wanted to be hospitable towards them. Last night, I really wanted to just fall into bed with Meredith and hold her all night long, but I figured that may be confusing to Emma. The last thing we needed was everyone weighing in their opinions or judging the situation more so than they already were.
I'd been to the Grey's house in Rhode Island more times than I could count. They were great people that were always welcoming to me despite the circumstances of Meredith and I's relationship. I thought it might be nice to pull together a breakfast for them since they were kind enough to let me drop in last minute for Thanksgiving. There was a small café right down the road that Meredith and I always loved. We had been there together multiple times and I knew their bakery was one of the best. I found their number and placed an order for an assortment of muffins, bagels, and pastries. I quickly found the Grey's coffee and scheduled a pot to be brewed in about 30 minutes near the time it would take for the pastries to arrive. I surveyed the Grey's refrigerator to see eggs as well as tons of fruit. I figured I could make a small display of fresh fruit and scramble some eggs to eat with the items coming from the café. The eggs would cook up much faster, so I began pulling all the fruit out of the fridge. Once I had it all out on the counter, I began working with the kiwi cutting it into smaller pieces
"I thought I heard someone down here" Susan's voice came evenly startling me.
I jumped inwardly and looked up to see Susan clad in her pajamas and bath robe. "Hi Susan… I was just putting together some breakfast for everyone." I told her with a small smile.
"Well that's sweet. Thank you." She told me as she joined me with the fruit. Reaching for the pineapple "I can help." She stated as she began cutting fruit and adding it to the plate I was working on.
I smiled at her, and we began to cut fruit in silence. "Here, I actually have a fruit tray that we can use." She replied to herself moving around the kitchen and grabbing a tray.
"That's great. I ordered an assortment of muffins, bagels, and pastries. It should probably be here in about 20-25 minutes." I told her.
She nodded and paused "I'm glad you showed up for Thanksgiving. I've been wanting to talk to you…. about Meredith." Susan told me.
I focused my attention on her waiting for whatever blow she was about to deal.
"You know, she's still a kid. You both are really. Her father walks a very tight line due to their history and there's a lot he wants to say but stops himself from saying in regards to your relationship. I know it's not easy and I know you're following your dreams…. But Meredith shouldn't have to do this all on her own Derek. And I know you love Emma. She obviously adores you, but Meredith is…. She's taking on the brunt end of all responsibility while putting herself through school and while trying to take care of a very sick mother."
"I tried transferring to Seattle Grace… they denied my acceptance." I tried explaining quickly. It's not like I found this situation ideal myself.
"I know that, but if you're honest with yourself Derek is that enough?" Susan asked me pointedly.
I rubbed sleep from my eyes trying to remain focused on the conversation even though at this point, I needed a whole lot of coffee to give this conversation what it deserved.
Susan seemed to understand this and started moving to put on a pot of coffee now. She pulled two mugs out of her cabinet. I listened to the sound of the coffee drip into the pot softly and slowly. We sat in silence for several moments. I needed to collect my thoughts.
"Look Susan, I've been working my ass off to try and be there for them. I finished school in 3 years instead of 4 and I would already be in Seattle if I would have been accepted at the program there. I'm trying to make a name for myself as an intern, so Seattle Grace accepts me this time without issue. I don't know what more I can do."
"Has Meredith ever considered moving back here or New York?" Susan asked me
"Her mother-" I began to protest. They might not have had the best relationship, but I know how much it means to Meredith that her mother's care is prioritized, and that Meredith can regularly visit her. Doesn't mean I agree with her decision or that it doesn't bother me, but I do have to respect it.
"Yes, I know. I'm just not sure that's reason enough for her to stay out in Seattle alone. Ellis was- is a very cold woman. From what Thatcher says, she never exactly wanted to be a mother."
"Either way, Meredith feels like she needs to be there for her mother. It's commendable and it took me way too long to support her in that decision, but I do now." I told Susan. I was partially honest, I do admire Meredith doing that for her mother but I don't fully support the decision. That had to be a conversation between me and Mer though.
Susan nodded "I just… I love her and Emma too. I worry about them. I want Meredith to have support."
I nodded taking in what Susan was telling me. I didn't disagree with her, but Meredith and I were so close to the finish line of finally being in the same place at the same time. We just had to make it six more months and then I would be there for her. We could move or stay in Seattle; I really didn't care either way. I just want to be together at last. I hope Susan understood that, but I wasn't sure if I did a good enough job conveying it as we spent the next few minutes in silence together.
A few minutes later members of the Grey family started to wake up and descend downstairs. Susan had helped me put everything together on the table. Susan could overstep but sometimes it was exactly what Meredith needed.
I held my daughter on my lap all throughout breakfast. I gave her a bath and helped her get dressed and even attempted to do her hair. I wanted to give Meredith a break since she always had to do this on her own.
"Mommy, look at meeee" Emma sang as I held her while we descended the stairs of the Grey house.
"What are you wearing baby?" Meredith said laughing when she saw Emma wearing her Unicorn costume dress. It even had a horn on the back of it and it and a tail.
"Uni stume!" she yelled out meaning to say Unicorn Costume.
"I can see that." She told our daughter amused but then cut me a look "What is your mother going to think when we show up to her house with a Unicorn?" Meredith asked me.
"Well, Emma insisted and you're the one who packed it." I reminded her with a grin.
"That's because your stubborn daughter wouldn't get on the plane without it."
I smiled "Ma will think she's just the cutest little girl ever." I exclaimed tickling Emma which sent her into a fit of giggles.
"Well, cutest unicorn at least" Meredith supplied with a smirk.
We said goodbye to the Grey's after breakfast and of course Emma's new favorite person Doc and headed up state to New York.
It was nice driving with Meredith and Emma. In little moments like this everything seemed normal. Like we were just like any other family who lived in the same house and did things together on the weekend. Emma fell asleep and Meredith and I spoke softly about our lives, our hopes for my move to Seattle, our dreams.
"You know it hasn't been the easiest doing this on my own for the past couple of years, but I want more." Meredith told me quietly.
"More what?" I asked her with a grin
"More Emma's" she told me catching my eyes.
I couldn't help the smile that took over my face "Oh yeah? More with me?" I asked her hopefully.
She paused "Yeah, I think so. More with you. You know not right now or anything." She told me blushing.
"You sure? Because I can get Ma and Dad to take Emma for an hour and we can get to work" I told her jokingly
"Don't mock." She told me slightly embarrassed.
I smiled at her and took her hand "I want more with you too." I admitted
"You do?"
"Of course, I do, I love you. Plus, we would be doing the world a favor, we make pretty babies." I told her glancing in my rearview mirror at our sleeping daughter. Meredith looked behind her seat for a moment to see Emma sleeping as well and then turned and smiled at me. It was perfect.
We finally got to my parents around lunchtime, and it took Emma a little while to come around from her nap. She was a lot like Meredith in the sense that she did not want her sleep disturbed and was extremely grumpy if someone woke her up before she was ready. It helped that the house wasn't yet filled with all my sisters and their kids. Only Ma, Dad, Amelia, and Scout who was asleep now.
Finally, Emma got excited to see her grandparents and once she was on, she did not stop. She ran all around their house, played games, forced my dad to carry her around on his back and enjoyed being back with my family.
Ma made lunch and planned for us to go on the annual Shepherd Christmas tree hunt. Emma seemed to enjoy it last year, but she was still young. I feel like she's finally at the perfect age where we can start building lasting traditions. I'm not sure what all Christmas will hold this year with me likely being scheduled to work but I don't even want to worry about that right now. I just want to enjoy time with my family.
"Meredith, tell me what's new with you" my dad asked as we made our way around the massive mountain tree lot. It was acres long with more trees than anyone could ever count. The tree lot also featured a Santa sleigh where you could sit in it and get pictures made, smores stations and of course hot chocolate. I had Emma on my shoulders, so she could have more visibility and Meredith strolled beside me carrying Emma's hot chocolate.
"Not much really. Just working through finishing up this semester and taking care of this one." Meredith said softly putting her hand on Emma's leg for a second.
"How's your mom doing?" my dad asked her. I could see her visibly tense.
"She hasn't remembered me in months." Meredith stated trying to be void of emotion, but I think we all could see through it.
"It's tough with Alzheimer's. I've worked with many patients over the years stricken with the disease. Sometimes I couldn't help but think it was as hard on the caregivers as the patients themselves." Ma chimed in looking sympathetically at my ex-fiancé.
Meredith looked away for a moment probably trying to hide the sadness. When she looked back, she offered both my parents a smile "It's been nice to get away and to see you guys again. Emma's loved it too." Meredith told them warmly.
"Mommy fill" Emma chimed in. It was her way of asking Meredith for her cup of hot chocolate. She was trying to say refill, but her r's were still hard for her sometimes.
"Here you go baby" Meredith told her lifting the cup up to her mouth as I squatted down so Meredith could reach her.
"Yummmm" Emma sang as she did each time, she took a sip.
My dad put his arm around Meredith's shoulder "We're happy to have you here. You know you are always welcome. Derek, he has to call. You on the other hand, you show up whenever you want and bring my baby." He jested. I rolled my eyes playfully.
"Papa's baby" Emma sang knowing he was talking about her.
"You are my baby. You're my special one – there's always been something about little miss Emma" he joked and gave her a wink. I was sure he told that to all his grandkids at one point or another, but Emma was the baby of the family and her and my dad had a very special bond.
"You're my baby too" my mom jokingly wined pouting at my daughter.
"Nana's baby too" Emma chimed in.
"Alright, time to start scouting out a tree. Emma, I need you to find the tallest and fullest one and that's the one we'll take home." My dad told her
"Okay Papa" she replied seriously looking at all the trees in amazement.
I took a left with Emma still on my shoulders and Meredith stayed close by. As much as I was enjoying being with everyone, I hadn't been alone with my two girls in a very long time, and I wanted to soak up as much alone time as I could.
"Daddy how long til you gots to be back at work?" Emma asked me
"We still have all of today & all of tomorrow." I told her
"That's not long daddy."
"I know but it's better than no time together at all right?" I asked her
I could see my daughter pondering for a moment "yeah" she replied thoughtfully after some time. Meredith offered me a warm smile.
Finally, after what seemed like hours, my dad picked the tree. It was way too large and him and my mom argued over it jokingly the whole car ride home. When we arrived, my sisters were there with her kids, and I could see Emma fighting to not get overwhelmed by the half dozens of cousins excitedly playing and yelling around my parents' house. I had to remember that Emma was very used to it just being her and Meredith 99% of the time and pre-school was still a new concept to her. Eventually, she warmed up and fit right in.
We all helped Ma bring in the tree and put-up other Christmas decorations. Emma enjoyed her cousin time and my sisters enjoyed getting to catch up with Meredith. She was still not 100% comfortable around them but she was trying and so were they.
I think it was a big of a relief to her when my older nieces and nephews began decorating the tree and Emma came over to Meredith wanting to be held and rocked to sleep. I immediately stopped what I was doing to see if I could help her out and get Emma to bed but Emma cried that she just wanted her mom.
"Emma, daddy just wants to cuddle with you. He's missed you." Meredith tried
"No daddy. I only want mommy." Emma replied clinging to Meredith tightly.
I felt useless. Meredith reasoned with Emma that I could come tuck her in too since we didn't have much time together left and Emma reluctantly agreed. It pained me more than I cared to admit.
I tried reading Emma a story, but she reminded me again that she only wanted her mom. I just sat by the end of the bed and held her foot, hoping that that was enough. Eventually Emma drifted off to sleep and Meredith sighed looking at me like she felt my pain.
"She's just a bit out of her comfort zone Derek, she didn't mean-" she started but I was quick to cut her off.
"Hey, it's okay. I'm never around and you are." I stated coldly
Meredith looked a bit taken aback.
"She's just a kid Derek and there's been a lot of change for her this week. Please don't take it personally."
"Don't take it personally that my kid who hasn't seen me in months doesn't want me to hold her let alone to read her a story? I'm not sure how I couldn't" I spat.
I could see the fire building up behind her eyes and I knew that I was about to take my frustration out on her, but I couldn't seem to stop myself. I wish she would have never moved. She made my life harder, our child's life harder and her life harder all for Ellis. Ellis treated her like shit and didn't even remember who she was and my relationship with my daughter was struggling because of it. I had to do long distance with my kid for a woman who I didn't even like who treated the woman I loved horribly. It didn't seem fair.
She looked over at our daughter and I did the same. I could feel myself soften instantly. Emma is my little girl and I want to be there for her. I want to be the one she runs too when she's sleepy or needs to be held. I want to be there for Meredith too. I may not agree with her decision to live in Seattle, but I do respect it. I also had a choice in the matter too but right now all I feel is hurt and rejected and exhausted and that's coming out on someone.
"I don't want to do this in front of her." Meredith stated softly before bringing up the covers to rest right under Emma's chin.
I nodded in agreement before turning on the baby monitor and taking the extra monitor so that we would know if Emma woke up.
Meredith crossed her arms in front of her chest and lead the way down the stairs. Her defenses were going up and I knew where this was going. We were about to get into the fight of all fights, the same fight we've had for years. The one I just can't seem to get past.
My sister said something to us, but Meredith didn't respond and be-lined for the basement downstairs. Ma gave me a look that said she knew what was about to happen and offered a tight sad smile.
Once we got downstairs, Meredith turned her green eyes to me.
"Go ahead" she stated coldly. Her eyes warned me to tread lightly but when it came to Meredith and I, we fought viciously. Our fighting is a huge reason why we're no longer together. Meredith never wanted Emma to see it and I didn't either, but I also thought it was healthy to let a child see conflict being resolved. Meredith didn't agree.
"Seattle was a mistake and now you see why." I spat.
"It always comes back to this" she sighed. "I didn't have a choice." She told me evenly with an underlying edge to her voice.
"Yes, you did, and you chose wrong. You took my daughter away from me and now she wants nothing to do with me. And that's on you."
Meredith laughed bitterly "Do you hear yourself Derek? I took your daughter away from you? You could have come with us, but you didn't want to give up your precious Ivy League."
"No, I didn't Meredith. I didn't want to give it up because I worked for years to achieve that. Years. It was my dream."
"I had dreams too Derek, but we had a baby and sacrifices had to be made."
"No, they didn't. We were managing it. We had a routine. You were thriving at Columbia. You would have gotten accepted into their med school program. We could have stayed together and been a family. My daughter wouldn't hate me right now."
"She doesn't hate you. She had one bad night and you're equating that to hating you. I knew you could be dramatic but Jesus Derek."
"What if I don't get into the program in Seattle? I failed once, what if I fail again? Then what? We're just going to do this for the rest of our lives. I get to see my kid through video maybe every couple of days."
Meredith sighed "I don't know."
"Well, I can't do this anymore. I can't. I get that you didn't want your mother to be alone. I understand that. I do. But what about me? What about Emma? This isn't what's best for her."
"Emma is happy and she's healthy and she's being taken care of. I take care of her. She doesn't want for anything, and she has more love than I could even have imagined at her age" Meredith spat defensively.
"It's not enough." I told her simply.
"According to who? You?" Meredith asked raising her voice.
"Not just me. My parents, Mark and Lexi, even Susan." I told her yelling myself.
"Well keep in mind while you're getting your information from Susan that she let my dad abandon me and have nothing to do with me for YEARS while they made a brand-new family without me. So, she's a great judge of character on things like this."
I ran my hands through my hair frustrated. I knew bringing up Susan or Thatcher was always tough for Meredith. It always struck a nerve. I just couldn't understand how she didn't see how much it can hurt a child to not have their father a part of their daily life. Especially when, Meredith herself went through that.
"Your mom is the one who took you away from your dad and moved you across the country." I told her and knew that was about to ignite the flame.
"Don't go there Derek." Meredith's voice was ice, and I knew that was my final warning
"Why not? It's the truth." I told her coldly as I leaned against the basement bookshelf crossing my arms waiting for her reaction.
She was silent for a moment before her voice trembled slightly "What else do you want from me? I have given you everything. I gave you a daughter. I gave you your precious school. I gave you all of me and you've selfishly disappointed me over and over and over. I don't get to experience living with roommates, hitting on randoms at bars and having one-night stands. I don't have friends in Seattle. I don't have support. All I have is a mother who refuses to let anyone else know that she's sick who barely ever remembers me, who needs help. I am all she has. At one point, she was all I had. I do the best that I can, and you sit here on your perch of superiority thinking that I'm a monster because your daughter is well taken care of, just not by you. You want to be mad at me then so be it, but don't pretend like you love me and don't try and hook up with me when I'm in town, and don't blame me for taking care of my mother when you would do the same."
"I wouldn't. I wouldn't compromise your relationship with our daughter for my own selfish needs." I replied cooly.
"Oh, but you already have." Meredith spat.
I shook my head. "That's not true."
"It is Derek. You said it yourself. You refused to give up Columbia and come with us to Seattle because Columbia was your dream. You put that first. You always put your education and your career first."
"So, what are you saying? That I'm a bad father? That I'm selfish?"
Meredith was quiet confirming that either that's exactly how she felt, or she wasn't in the mood to tell me that I was wrong.
"Maybe we should co-parent Emma more traditionally." She stated looking down for a moment.
"What does that mean?"
"We've tried being on friendly terms and it always comes back to this fight. There's too much water under the whatever. Maybe we should stop." Meredith told me and I caught the sadness in her eyes.
"Meredith, no. I don't think that's going to help-" I started but she cut me off.
"You resent me. You resent what I'm doing to help my mom and you always have. I'm the mother of your child and I take care of your child day in and day out and you look at me like I'm against you, like I'm some awful monster, like I don't want you and Emma to be together. I can't bear it Derek." She finished softly.
"I…." I started to say but I couldn't find the words. "I think maybe I took this too far. I know I did. I'm sorry." I heard myself say to her softly.
"There's truth there or it wouldn't have come out so easily and we wouldn't always come back to this fight."
I sighed "Maybe you're right." I admitted. It's not that I thought she was a monster, but I didn't see how logically she couldn't understand that more people were getting hurt by her living in Seattle than not. It just made sense in my mind that a sacrifice this huge wasn't warranted. I deserved to have regular access to my kid. I needed it.
I stung her. I could see it in her face. I exhausted her and I frustrated her, and I added to her plate when all I wanted to do was the opposite. "You and Emma should spend the day together alone tomorrow. I will see if Lexi is back in the city, and I will catch up with her."
"You don't need to do that Mer. We should be together for our daughter."
She shook her head, and I could see the tears she was holding back so carefully. "No, I uh- I think it's better. You can have your time with Emma, and I can decompress a little."
I nodded slowly. Why did this feel worse than our breakup? I felt so many things, but sadness trumped them all. It was probably because despite all the progress we made, the underlying issues were still there no matter how badly I wished they weren't.
"I still don't want to go the lawyer route but maybe we should make some clear boundaries. Maybe work out a schedule that allows you more time with Em." She stated and I could see the wheels turning in her head. I was getting nervous. Maybe I just crossed a line I'd never be able to uncross, and I did it when we were so close to the finish line all because I was hurt.
"Can we not do it tonight? Please Mer. I- I just can't tonight." I pleaded.
"Okay" she said softly. I wasn't surprised when she bounded back up the steps leaving me in the basement alone to process what just happened.
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