Wark Wars: The Further Adventures of PenPen
By ArchangelUK

Welcome back to the Evangelion serial that will have you rolling in the aisles, or sleeping with the fishes... your choice. (nods towards Section 2 personel)

Ep 2: Lord of The Flies (Version 2.0)

Deep in the deep dark recesses of his sub-zero rebel base, the leader of the Rebel Alliance examined the surveillance footage from a number of his hidden cameras. His troops were rough and ready - okay so they weren't his troops and they certainly weren't ready, Shinji was half-dressed, Asuka was half-asleep and Misato was half-cut. Swivelling in his big leather chair, something that he liked to do as often as possible, the swarve and debonair leader closed his eyes in thought. For a moment he said nothing before announcing to the control room a simple command - "Wark."

Of course this wasn't specifically true, the control room was a subsection of his fridge apartment although the cameras were real enough and so was the imagery. Misato's bare backside sticking out of the bed covers with a slice of old pizza stuck to it was a sight to behold. Neither was it true that he was the leader of the Rebel Alliance; PenPen was the leader of a can of sardines, two small growths of water cress he was cultivating, eighteen cans of beer, a photo of Hikari Horaki he'd pinched from Kensuke's yearbook, a copy of 'NERV Who's Who?' and two flies named Luke and Leia. Okay, so there had been a Star Wars movie marathon on the other night and he'd got lost in the roll play so what?

The mission was not yet satisfied.

"I'd best get on with this machine then." PenPen sighed and put his Hungry Hungry Hippos board game away until another day.

The mission was to invent something to allow him to open the can of sardines, he paused, realised that was the mission before the last episode of this story and brought out the blueprints for his UPT, Universal Penguin Translator. PenPen placed the half-concieved 'Death Cod' battle station in his 'pending' tray and scratched his head with a flipper.

A buzzing noise entered his ear, followed almost by the source itself as he turned his head rapidly causing Luke the fly to rapidly ascend to avoid collision. "What's the problem boss?" He buzzed.

"Ah, just the usual Luke. Where am I going to find the components necessary for a bi-Tachyon conductive tri-synchronated plasma cyclonic drive frame in a flat in Tokyo-3?"

Luke made to answer then realised he didn't understand anything that was just said, his sister Leia appeared from around the corner and looped around the back of PenPen's head before landing on his beak causing him to go cross-eyed while he looked at her. At least they thought she was his sister, both hatched into maggots from the same long forgotten ramen box whether their mother/father was the same who knows...

"Can't you just nick all the parts from the microwave like you did last time?" Leia asked, rubbing one of her legs over her eyes.

"No." PenPen sighed, "Misato-chan is on her third microwave this month already..."

Luke blinked, impressive for a fly with no eyelids, "But, it's only the 2nd of the month today."

"My point exactly, even someone whose blood level is 20 proof wouldn't fail to spot a slight irregularity there."

"Misato's blood level is only 20 proof?"

"I overheard Ritsuko saying she'd had it tested once."

"Ah I see."

"Ah wassat then fly-boy?" Asked Jimmy, oh, hang on he hasn't been introduced yet - There was also Jimmy. Jimmy was a spider with only seven legs, an inferiority complex and thought he was Scottish...

"You kanna hoot dawn the sporran tickler ya know."

He was also thick as Misato's gravy.

PenPen looked at Jimmy with a sense of pity. "Shut up."

"Well, you could try and sneak into NERV, I'm sure they've got lots of hi tech kit there." Buzzed Leia.

"Hmmm..." Said Luke dubiously.

"Hmmm..." Said a doubtful PenPen.

"Hmmm..." Said an unconvinced Jimmy.

PenPen suddenly brightened, reached over and pressed a button labelled 'snap fingers' on his sound effects board and announced; "I've got it! I could sneak into NERV! I'm sure they've got lots of hi tech stuff there."

"Cool idea." Luke agreed, "Nice plan boss."

"HEY!" Leia buzzed angily, "That was my idea!"

PenPen shook his head, "No it wasn't."

"Yes it WAS!"

"Prove it."

"Ya kanna do thaht cause ya ney canna prove nowt."

"Yeah, what he said!" Nodded Luke.

"Men!" Fumed the fly and flew off to munch on some dirt, leaving 'the boys' to finish with the details.

PenPen checked his wrist, "Okay, let's synchronise watches."

"Watch what?" Luke asked, having been ensconsed by an episode of Power Rangers that'd appeared on TV.

The penguin sighed, "Your watch, synchronise it and may the power protect you - Cause I flipping well won't." He added.

Luke frowned as only a fly could frown, "I don't have a watch."

Jimmy nodded as only a spider could... well... you get the drift. "Me neither."

PenPen threw his flippers up in the air in disgust, "What kind of troops are you?!" He yelled, (before catching the flippers and putting them back with his snorkal.)

Jimmy stroked his chin with a spare leg, "At eh guess a speeeeeder an' a fly an' watches haven't neh been invented for wee ones like us."

"Fine, fine, fine. Use the big clock in the lounge you stupid Jock. We meet here at Oh Oh WHOA OH!"

"00 What?"

" Damn it, Jimmy I told you to move that cactus OUTSIDE!"

"Ack boss, I'm a hooose spider not ah removal spider."

"Look, just meet here half an hour before Misato goes to work okay?" PenPen growled menacingly.

Exiting his abode stroke operations centre stroke lair, PenPen waddled off in search of nourishment. Shinji was in the kitchen, as usual, and was busy frying up some rice. Turning around from the pan the Third Child smiled and gestured with a wooden spoon over to a waiting dish full to the brim with rice, meat chunks and fish stock. PenPen looked up in wonder, there were times when he simply couldn't comprehend how a boy claiming to be so misunderstood could understand other people so well.

"Wark?" PenPen asked, meaning as we all know 'What's this?' in Pengish.

"Tuna." Shinji said absently, turning back to his bowl.

"W-Wark?" (Fish stock?)

"Yup."

"Warrrrk? War-wark!" (Really? Hey thanks Shinji!)

"No problem." Shinji waved a spatula lazily in a mid-air circle while adjusting the temperature on the cooker. "Just eat it before Asuka wakes up."

"Mmm, war-wark?" Meaning 'Mmm, still angry?'

Shinji snorted, "Yeah, so eat up PenPen."

PenPen eagarly began eating away merrily, that was until he suddenly stopped mid bite, the boy could understand him!

This causes many problems, what if Shinji leaked the plans out to my adversaries... Admittedly I have no adversaries as such, I somehow doubt a sardine can's ability to conduct guerrilla combat in field conditions constitutes an enemy. However there is Asuka-oni.

Shinji seemed to sense something was up, "You enjoying that PenPen?"

"Hmm? Oh yes wonderful, five warks out of wark."

Shinji smiled, "Good."

PenPen waddled out of earshot and scratched his head, against the table. Stupid limited motion limbs! He cursed mentally, having an itch if you were a penguin was a problem as was - Asuka-oni... Asuka-oni...would rip the data out and have him screaming like a girl before you could say 'bratwurst'. Shinji must be stopped!

PenPen rubbed his flippers together and cackled menacingly.

Shinji blinked and looked up from his task. "What was that cackling noise? Whaaa!"

The last thing Shinji saw as he was jumped by PenPen was the titicular bird brandishing the soup ladel whose wallop around the head half a second later was sufficient for the Third Child to slump to the ground unconscious.

Some Time Later

Shinji is tied to a chair and has his mouth covered by tape.

"Mmmph...!" Shinji said, shaking his head free of cowebs and an angry scottish spider.

PenPen zipped up his rucksack and strapped a torch onto his belt. "I'm sorry about this Shinji my boy, really I am, but you may reveal my plans to Asuka and that would be disastrous."

"...?"

"I'll be back to release you as soon as I've acquired the parts necessary for my invention, I know I only sound like 'Wark Wark Wark' to you but subconsciously you have gained the ability to understand the sacred Pengish language."

"MMMM! MUUURRRRMMMPH!"

PenPen winced, "Now there's no need to be rude. It's not like your father is anything to go by either."

Jimmy scampered up beside him. "Ack boss wass wit taiyin up the Ikari boy the noo?"

"He is a threat to the operation." PenPen explained, pocketing a sardine for later only to find he actually had no pockets.

Luke frowned, "Just let him go PenPen, what if Asuka gets hungry and come looking for him demanding sustenance?"

Double P smirked, "She won't, I slipped a sleeping pill into her bag of strawberry liquerish shoelaces."

Luke and Jimmy grinned stupidly. "Ah, cunning as a fox." Leia said sarcastically as she flew in a loop-de-loop.

"Silence puffin-spawn!" PenPen yelled, making the fly squeak in fright. "We must go, Misato-chan is getting her things together." He brought out a balaclava and then pulled it over his head and beak. "Operation: Stickleback is go!"

Dramatic Musical Sting

There was silence, ice ages came and then went. Planets formed and died. Suns glowed brightly before being snuffed out. A tumbleweed tried to gain enterance to the apartment but found the door was locked: annoyed it hailed a taxi and went back to the wild west.

"Operation Stickleback?" Luke broke the silence, his boss shifting uncomfortably from webbed-foot to webbed-foot.

Leia blinked, "Was that the best you could come up with?"

"What's wrong with it?"

Luke cleared his little fly throat, "Well for a start there are no Sticklebacks in this country. Second, it's an incredibly lame name."

PenPen gave a dejected sigh and got out his pocket edition of the Collins Bumper Book of Fish. "Octopus?"

"Not a fish."

PenPen looked at his book and pursed his beaky lips together. "Prawn?"

"Operation Prawn?" Luke looked mortified.

"Kinda lacks bite." Said Jimmy.

"Tiger prawn?" PenPen offered hopefully.

Leia rolled her eyes, "Not like that."

"King prawn?"

"No prawns!" The others chorused.

Um, haddock?"

"No."

"Sardine?" Even Shinji shook his head at this. "Oh look I give up, whatever word I stop on in this dictionary here shall be operations code name. Say stop Leia." PenPen flicked through the book with surprising speed.

"Stop!"

"Okay, the operation will be called.... drumroll please someone?"

Shinji obliged with his feet after Jimmy, Luke and Leia pointed out they're relative size ratios to PenPen.

"Operation.... operation."

"What?" Jimmy slurred, PenPen rubbed his eyes.

"Operation: Operation."

"Oh well done Leia you managed to get the one word in the entire language that's makes prawn sound feasible." Luke sneered.

PenPen threw the dictionary away. "Ah, sod it. I'll call it... Operation: Crimson Herring!"

Dramatic Musical Sting

TBC

What is the truth behind Operation: Crimson Herring? Will Shinji survive or be tortured beyond the limits of human endurance? Will I think of an excuse to get Asuka and Rei back into those swimming costumes of theirs? Stay tuned to find out! Please Review!

ArchangelUK 0:o)
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