It's amazing how inspiration suddenly strikes during those times when you're cruising on the road driving 45 in a 30m/h speed limit with the windows rolled down and the music turned up real loud scaring the little middle school who are walking home from school. And then you get this crazy idea in your head and all you can do is write it down.
The song comes from Sister Hazel's Your Mistake
Just a more sensitive side to Sesshomaru you don't see when he's swinging the sword around and tearing out eyes of men and demons alike with those unfriendly claws. Enjoy!
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I'm not right
And I'm not fine
He watched her silently from a distance. Should I wake her? He debated. She had been given her much needed rest after the tiring journey. It was almost noon and the girl had not even moved. There was no point prolonging what would eventually have to happen.
He took a step towards her then froze when she stirred.
I wanna be rain
that tastes like wine
He had a sudden urge to flee. It was now or never. Could he still make a run? No—too late, her eyes slowly opened.
For a second they drifted hazily around her surroundings as if trying to determine the cause of this mysterious morning contentment. They came to deafening halt on him. A curve formed around her lips. She moistened them as if remembering the taste he had left behind only hours ago. Yes, she remembered him.
I wanna be good
I wanna be great
He looked away. He couldn't stand her eyes on him. It made him feel…vulnerable. It wasn't just that though. It embarrassed him the way she felt about him. To her, he was perfect, flawless—which he was in most aspects. But to stare into her dark eyes as he did last night and understand her in every possible way and feel what she felt was simply intoxicating. He was shaky, clumsy while he made love to her. It was like his first time all over again yet more breathtaking. But worse, she understood him too. She saw him like no one else had ever seen him in his entire lifetime. Everything had been a front that he hid behind up until now so he would never be disarmed or caught off guard. Despite this vulnerability he had revealed last night, to her he still remained in all effect…perfect.
I wanna be everything
He needed to leave. This was a mistake.
except for your mistake…
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Why did he look disappointed? Had she done something wrong last night? Everything had seemed to go well as he sealed a final kiss on her forehead to conclude the evening.
Or like her, was he merely holding back his excitement?
Just play it cool, Rin. He's probably just confused. All relationships are a little overwhelming at first. She smiled inwardly. A relationship. Why did it feel so good to say that word?
Send me inside
your mind
She needed him to feel comfortable at first. Time for some small talk. "Good morn—"
"I must to speak to you, Rin," he cut in.
She looked up at him strangely from where she was sitting on the blanket. Not quite the start she was looking for. "Isn't that what we're doing?"
He ran a hand through his hair. This wasn't going to be easy. How in the world was he supposed to tell her? He'd never had to deal with this kind of thing before because he had never been involved in a serious relationship. Not to mention with someone who he still saw as a nine year old girl all over again. And Rin was like his daughter. In his former years he might have been able to walk away from a situation such as this, but not with Rin. She was special.
He had been foolish to risk their long-term relationship by his actions yesterday that had only started out as a first kiss. He didn't mean for it to go any further. But hadn't she wanted it too? She had been the one who pushed them further to his amazement. It was like build-up energy from over the years. He knew she had always loved him. The signs had always pointed in that direction. When had her love for him changed though? When had it become more than a father-daughter relationship? Somewhere along the way between exterminating worthless demons and attempting to decapitate his bastard brother, he had missed her grow up.
"You are displeased, Sess?" It had come out more as a statement than as a question.
I wanna know what you're thinking
This time
He was instantly on his guard. Glancing back somewhat irritated, he answered softly, "Rin, despite what I told you last night, I would like it if you referred to me by my title again—out of respect," he added.
She made a frown. Fine, Mr. Grumpy. "Sess—I mean Lord Sesshomaru, what is this about?"
He turned the other direction as she stood up and wrapped a robe around her bare body. She crept up quietly behind him and rested a small hand on his shoulder.
"Gods, look at me," she commanded. "Don't avoid me by trying to pretend nothing happened last night."
I'll try
to be the one you always thought you knew
He looked back down at her, but it was not what she expected. His bright eyes that appeared so tender and gentle last night were nothing like these cold hazel orbs that penetrated her gaze.
"Rin," but his tone was placid again. He cupped her chin with his clawed hand. She shuddered involuntarily. Gods, what his touch did to her. "It was a mistake."
It's true
I'm blue
It felt like someone had dropped a rock down her stomach. Her breathe caught in her throat as she tried to think. "Wha—what?" She backed away from him slowly.
And without you…
He moved quickly towards her and wrapped his strong arms around her lithe form. He wasn't going to lose her. He needed to make her understand first. "Rin," he whispered warmly into her ear. "I rushed you into this. We went too fast, it was my mistake. I should have been more responsible."
I'm not right
I'm not fine
Her head rested comfortably on his shoulder as she drew in a shaky breathe from his silvery tresses. She had allowed him to hold her, but only because her whole body had suddenly gone numb. It felt as if her whole world had collapsed along with her heart.
"You don't love me," she stated simply.
I wanna be rain
that tastes like wine
"Rin," he squeezed her arms. "It is nothing like that."
She pulled away suddenly. "Then everything you said last night was a lie. You didn't mean any of it."
"Rin," he captured her face once again. "Let me speak. I need you to listen"
I wanna be good
I wanna be great
She nodded hesitantly. And I need you to tell me this isn't real.
"What we had last night," he searched her eyes thinking of any way to explain without causing more pain on her lovely face. "It was beautiful."
She let out a troubled sigh.
I wanna be everything
"But," he started again. "It will not last."
except for your mistake..
"Will not?" she tilted her chin up. "Or cannot?"
He narrowed his eyes at her boldness.
"How can you say something is over when it hasn't even begun? You dismiss me because you think our relationship will not last? Forgive me, but I'm involved in this too. Have I no say?"
Let me into
your view
To be honest he was stunned. He did not expect her to take it so hard. Normally, she would just accept whatever he told her with a shrug. She was usually so agreeable. "Rin, it will not last because you are human and are much too young. As I have said before, we rushed in without considering these things."
She scoffed to his displeasure. "Oh, don't give me that shit."
"Rin," he frowned. If he found that Jaken had been saying inappropriate words in front of her again then there was going to be a very unhappy toad at the end of the day—with missing appendages.
"No," she continued. "If you didn't like humans then you would not have kept me around for another ten years. And if you were at all concerned with my age," she paused before shaking her head with a smile. "My Lord, look at me. I'm not a child."
I wanna know how you see this thing
that's us
"I'm very capable of making my own decisions." When the dubious look that had formed on face remained, she added, "I am almost two years older than Kagome was when she started a serious relationship with Inu-yasha!"
"Do not bring the hanyou and his bitch into this." But he had to agree with her. She was not a child. He smirked remembering last night—definitely not a child. And as for being human, that only made the experience more exciting.
"Why are you being so difficult, Rin?"
"I—me? Me?" She was flabbergasted. "Why are you being so complicated, my Lord?"
He shook his head with an inward smile. He had always enjoyed her fiery spirit. From day one he had taken an interest in her. Her messy appearance with dirt smudged over her face and a missing tooth. Yet her courage to approach him despite her lower status amazed him. She had trusted him. Nobody ever trusted him. Eventually she had grown out of the awkward stage that all adolescences pass through and had emerged as the beautiful creature that stood before him.
"I know what you're afraid of." Her voice penetrated the fond memories.
He looked swiftly at her.
I must
keep managing my madness over you
"Commitment," she came up with proudly. "You're afraid to commit. Oh, don't worry Kagome told me all about it. Men are naturally afraid to be involved in a relationship. They get this crazy idea in their head that women are out to plant traps and make it so we're the only thing important in their lives. They think that we'll slowly suffocate them. And—"
And on she went. He flexed his claws idly and watched two lizards mating on a nearby tree. The sight reminded him of last night's experience and he smiled.
But really, he needed to be serious now. She had to accept what he was doing. It was better for him if he just explained his plans for her. He waited for a break in the one-sided conversation before venturing.
"Rin, it is not commitment." Or was it? Maybe he was afraid. Would it really be so inconvenient as to spend an entire lifetime with her? No, he wasn't allowed to start thinking like that. It was for her own safety, he reminded himself. If he was ever to protect her it would be in her best interest not to get involved in a relationship with one of the most feared and hated demons in the land. She would constantly be in danger and he would not risk it. If word even leaked out that he had a human lover then…
"Then help me understand what it is!"
It's true
I'm blue
She just didn't get it, did she? "Rin, what we had was beautiful last night," as much as he hated repeating himself, it was necessary at the moment. "But we must forget that it happened."
And without you
"Please don't…" She was going to start hyperventilating if she didn't control herself. Tears were already welling up in her eyes. Suddenly she let out a gasp before clasping two hands over her mouth and backed away from him. She really couldn't believe this was actually happening.
I'm not right
"Don't say that," she shook her head
I'm not fine
Shit, she was crying. He hated it when she cried. He always said the wrong things to her. She had been the first to inform him about his very open and condescending nature that made him not the most popular demon in the area. He had never realized how his brutal honesty affected the people around him. But she was the only one to understand that that was just the way he was—whether he was scolding, complimenting, or comforting, everything came out unfriendly.
Yet, she couldn't believe he was telling her this. "Why are you doing this to me? Do you actually want me to hate you?"
I wanna be good
"Rin," he tried.
"No—no, I heard you," she dabbed her eyes with her sleeve. "It's okay. You want to go back to old times—no, it's perfectly understandable." She clapped both hands together and folded them under her chin. "Alright, let's take a trip back to the good old times when you chased Tetsusaiga night and day like a psychotic person," shesaid with a laugh—if one could call it that. She had overdone it badly. "And where Istay at the castle in the garden with Jaken picking flowers everyday justwaitingfor you to return—Not to mention worrying to death—sick, knowing that every good-bye I say to you just might be my last."
I wanna be great
"Rin, this is no laughing matter to me."
She faced him sternly. "Thentry considering how I'm feeling," She covered her mouth again as if realizing it for the first time. "Oh my god, how can we go back to the way it was before? We can't…"
It was killing him just watching her and not being able to do anything. He didn't have a clue what he was supposed to do. Every demoness that he had ever slept with had been fine the next day to depart without the disappointment that they would never see him again. But she's different from them, he reminded himself. And…could I survive without her if I did send her away?
"Forgive me for—"
"For what? Being selfish? For using me? Sorry, but the whole goddamn world doesn't revolve around you, my Lord."
He grabbed her arm painfully so that his claws almost dug into her skin. "No, I would never use you. And I would appreciate it if you did not interrupt me Rin. I didn't mean to—as you humans put it—lead you on; give out false hopes."
"But you've led me all my life," she whimpered sadly.
I wanna be everything
"Yes I have. But not this way. It was a mistake—"
except for your mistake…
"Stop saying that! I don't want to be your mistake!"
"Rin, I'm sorry—".
And I don't want your sympathy
just understanding
"You feel sorry for me? Oh, now this is something Ihaven't heard before!I don't need you to pity me!" she spat. "And don't even try to offer me your friendship. How can you call the best thing that ever happened in my life a mistake?"
We'd be better off if I just took some time
to try to understand you
And before she could prevent herself, the word rolled from her lips. "Kohaku." She tilted her head up to see the reaction to the name. "He has offered me a life with him." The magic word. Kohaku. It was enough to throw the demon into a frenzy and make his eyes bleed red with possession and jealousy. They had gotten into a huge fight over this boy—or now man, many times before. Rin had learned quickly not to mention his name within a mile of Sesshomaru. Yet there were those rare moments such as now where she couldn't even begin to control her temper. And then it slipped.
I'm not right
I'm not fine
As predicted, his head snapped at the mention of the name. "You have been seeing that human again?" he accused, his tone both icy and stiff.
"Oh, please," she rolled her eyes.
"What now, Rin? Has he gone and asked you to be his whore?" He smiled cruelly as she fumed. "Does he want to steal you away from the monster that threatens to keep you prisoner all your lifesothe two of you can livehappily ever after? Or perhaps he wants to slay me, and then educate you on how to exterminate demons for a living."
"Don't say such things," she shot back. "You know Kohaku isn't like that. And what if he did ask me to be his wife?" She was no longer angry and instead stared at him trying to make out what was going through his head. "What would you do, my Lord?"
I wanna be rain
that tastes like wine
He didn't appear to have heard her question. He seemed to be somewhere else far, far away at the moment. After what seemed like another minute he said slowly choosing his words carefully, "I would want you to be happy."
I wanna be good
He glanced up at her. She noticed the pain in his eyes even if it lasted for the briefest moment. Guilt washed inside her for causing such pain, but was it really her fault? He paused unsure of how to act before brushing past her.
"Do you love me?" she heard herself say.
I wanna be great
His silvery bangs covered his eyes making it impossible to read him. "Do not ask questions that you already know the answer to."
"Sesshomaru, don't toy with me, please. Tell me straight out. I have absolutely no idea what you're thinking or how you feel." She rubbed the back of her neck anxiously. "You know, I can't figure you out because it's like you keep changing your mind about me. Like one minute you adore me, and in the next like you can't wait to get away."
"Do not be foolish, Rin," he almost barked. Then he realized that losing control was exactly what she wanted. She had always said he was too rational. It made him almost impossible to have "fun" with or to love…
He reached over and stroked her backside. Probably until she had joined him in bed. When he was with her it was very possible to loose his rational side. "It is not like that, Rin," he insisted.
"Then just tell me," she reached over and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. "I promise I'll understand."
I wanna be everything
except for your mistake
He let out a long heavysigh and slowly inhaled her scent. She smelled so good. Maybe it was time to tell her.
He squeezed her gently. "Rin, I do not want to hurt you."
Hurt me? How could he hurt me? "You could only hurt me by not being by my side, Sess," she whispered back. "In any case, that has got to be the worst lie in the world."
"No. I would constantly be putting you in harm's way. I cannot have that, Rin—you especially. Adversaries could discover this…weakness of mine and exploit it in many ways. They would care nothing for you."
"You think I don't know this? I've been in danger all my life just by choosing to be next to you. But…you saved my life, Sesshomaru. Once you revived me, I realized that I had absolutely nothing to lose by staying here with you." She pulled away. "My life began when I met you and I'm indebted to that."
Why was he getting so sentimental? This was not like him. He had dropped his cool exterior and now the woman was making him look ridiculously unstable and unsure with his feelings. He shouldn't give her so much power. After all, he was the Lord of the Western Lands; no one made him question himself.
"I might not always be there to save you Rin, and I cannot continue to revive you from the dead every time you decide to risk your life. Tensaiga is not designed for that. We'd always be in danger," he murmured the last part on her lips. "It is time you return to the village. With humans; your own kind."
"No," she breathed. "Nowhere without you."
"Rin," he kissed her forehead. "It is better this way. I have kept you for far too long as it stands. Now you are grown and it is time I let you g—"
"Kiss me," she said abruptly.
He arched one of those elegant eyebrows. Why was she acting like this? He studied her uncertainly. What could she possibly be thinking in that small human head of hers?
She fiddled with her hands and stared at her feet. "If you don't love me then a kiss won't mean anything, will it?"
Ah, the catch. But fortunately he saw it coming a mile off.
He nodded slowly in understanding. Then gradually yet surely he descended towards her. She tilted her head back expectantly with pliant lips ready to meet his. It was amazing how even in a short period of time she craved his touch more desperately than ever before. She would know in a moment whether or not he was hers forever. And she was determined to give him the best kiss she had. Instead, however she felt a mere feathery brush across her forehead and then it was gone as quickly as it had come.
She looked up at him readily only to find him retreating to the forest.
I'm not right
A silent scream echoed throughout her head as she tried to regain her senses. He was actually going to leave.
I'm not fine
She shook her head violently. There was no way she could let it end like this.
"I Love You, Sess. So much that it hurts sometimes."
He didn't stop, but merely decreased his speed.
"I love you more than life itself, actually."
I wanna be rain
that tastes like wine
"More than Kohaku," she said with a little more caution. "I love everything about you, my Lord.
Like the way cut your meat into perfect little squares during dinnertime—I love that. Or when you smile secretly at the sight of Ah-Un shredding Jaken to pieces by the head—you don't know how happy that makes me feel."
It was safe to say she had his full attention now.
She leaned back against a nearby tree and let out a sigh. "Sometimes when you go off by yourself, or at least when you think you go off by yourself, I follow you—even though you probably already know this. And when I see you perched up in the tree silhouetted against the moonlight, I feel this overwhelming sense of comfort…and home.
And then, you know," she continued on as if he wasn't even there, rubbing her eyes distracted by the whole process—like she had waited and practiced this speech hundreds of times so she would one day be able to say it to his face. "I finally realize that I can't live without you. I mean, I won't survive another day without you by my side."
I wanna be seen
He calmly faced her and drifted back in her direction with a strange and perturbed look on his face.
I wanna get clean
"And you know, I love you, and I just thought I would get that off my chest. Of course, sometimes I wish you were a little more affectionate, and didn't always grunt like a caveman whenever I try talking to you, but really that doesn't bother me that much."
He edged closer to her until she was trapped between him and the tree. His head hovered above her face.
"Hah, I love you," she repeated for a third time with an easing shrug. "And you know I've tried like a billion times to stop loving you because I know you told me love is a sign of weakness, but I can't because it hurts when I'm with you and it's even worse when I'm not with you. And then I have no clue what I'm supposed to—"
I wanna just fall out of in between
He finally closed the distance between them pulling her into a deep kiss that sent her senses reeling in delight. He caressed her lips dreadfully slow with his tongue both teasing and enticing her, yet hard enough to show that he still dominated. Then he changed positions so he could have better access to her sweet yielding lips that kissed him back equally desperate from being deprived for so long. She pulled away only when she could no longer breathe and even then he continued to trail passionate kisses down her neck until he reached that special place at the juncture that caused her to let out a soft moan. This was her Sesshomaru.
"Rin," he muffled in between kisses. "What have I taught you about rambling."
"So sorry, my Lord," came her ragged reply.
I'm not right
"Don't be," he said capturing her lips once more.
And I'm not right
"Then you will stay with me and relieve me of my suffering?" she couldn't help but smile through closed eyes as he kissed her hungrily.
"Yes," he breathed warmly on her face.
"And it won't be a mistake, will it?"
"No."
"Because I don't want you regretting it later on—that wouldn't be fair.""No, it wouldn't," he said slightly annoyed from being interrupted.
She paused before inquiring gently, "And do you love me?"
"Yes. Now hush, Rin," he kissed her before she could think of something else to say. He would do anything sometimes to keep her quiet. But as to her question, it was completely honest. He had come to love her. Actually, it had probably been there from day one. But perhaps fear had kept him running from her all this time. Maybe he had not dared to affront it until now because he did not realize how strong her dependency had grown on him and how afraid she just might be of losing him. He held her tightly; possessively, as they both stood under the afternoon shade of the tree. Maybe they had both misread each other.
But it doesn't matter. Rin let out a sigh in relief. Just don't ever let me go, Sess.
They would work through this and figure out a way to live without endangering the other. Somehow, he was going to protect her. He needed to. Because he also couldn't live without her…
I don't want to be your mistake
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Ah, my poor readers…so sorry for depriving you for so long. I am happy to say, golf season is over, and that I may continue to write once again. However, I don't know what else I will be writing from here on out. Third Time's a Charm has left me very puzzled and unsure on what to do next. The fourth chapter on Dreamers is just about complete, so don't be hatin. I'll try my best,