Diclaimer: I do not in any way, shape or form, own Harry Potter and other affiliations
Enjoy
I'm frustrated.
What else can I say?
What else can I be if nothing I do anymore makes sense?
What else can I be if my insides are so jumbled up that I can't even begin to untangle them?
Stupid, constant, gnawing frustration. I wish it would die and leave me alone. I wish that it was like those plants that we uprooted in herbology today. They were large, green and thriving but the second those precious roots left the soil they shriveled up and died. Oh, how I wish my frustration could be just like that.
But its not.
Thus far it's caused me two infirmary visits, a large per quota increase in my average monthly arguments with Hermione, 5 detentions, and 34 meals left untouched.
Stupid, disgusting frustration.
I've tried everything to get it to leave, but it won't. It chooses to remain buried, deep inside me somewhere, unwilling to leave it comfortable home. It's like Hermione when she sits down and starts to read. If it's truly a cozy place it will take an act of god to remove her from that place.
I hate it!
I am sick of being a boy that can make no sense of who I am. I'm sick of being the person who can't contain their emotions. I'm sick of being the person who's always being called thick, or stupid, or in Hermione's words you have the emotional range of a teaspoon. That was one of her better one's though. Still, I'm sick of it. I can't be like other people who bottle it up; I just let it out without ever taking the time to understand it. Hermione's like me, only more sensible and less dense.
This un-relentless frustration.
I don't suppose there's really one cause; maybe it's a multitude of things. Hermione would be proud, me using a 3-syllable word. I wouldn't put it past her to think that's even out of my reach. But still, how can all of this red-hot frustration be from a single source? The answer, it can't. Hermione would say, "Ron don't count out any possibilities."
I want to scream.
She'd tell me to write it all down like some muggle psychiatrist person and try to think about it logically. That's the problem, I've never thought logically in my life. I just wait until I'm about to explode and then let it all out. I don't think of the consequences and I don't think about whom I could hurt. Hermione knows that much, she's been the person I haven't thought of enough times.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
This time is one too many. I don't know how to let this frustration out. There is no way. I sit here trying to think of possibilities but my stupid illogical brain has other ideas. It diverts to quidditch, Hermione would laugh at me for this. It then goes to schoolwork, Hermione would be surprised that I actually do think about it. It bounces back to food; Hermione would roll her eyes at me for this. Then it finally comes back to the crisis, Hermione would say, about time Ronald.
Let me out of this nightmare
I try to think of reasons why I'm feeling this but I'm no good with emotions or expressing them or anything. Even if I'm sitting alone I get red and flustered in a frantic attempt to understand myself. Hermione would say, "A chimpanzee understands himself Ronald." I hate the way she uses my full name, like my mother. Ronald, darling. Ronald, you've got dirt on your nose. Ronald, Ronald. She doesn't get that I try but I'm just not like her. Things don't go easily for me. It takes effort. She just doesn't get it. But how can I expect her to get it when I can't get it myself?
Leave me alone
I've spent countless hours trying to figure it out. Figure out why I'm so bloody frustrated. Hermione would laugh to realize that I do think about my emotions, even though I don't get them. I bet if she could get into my head she could figure it out in 5 minutes. Then I would hate her even more.
Idiotic thoughts
As I've sat here I just realized that I've mentioned Hermione 18 times in this short passage of time. I've just realized that whenever I try to realize the root of my frustration, her name comes up.
This isn't fair
Then I hit myself when I realized that I said, "I'll hate her even more."
I don't hate her
How could I hate her?
Even though she drives me bloody crazy.
It's because of her that my blood pressure raises and my heart goes crazy whenever she's around.
She's out to kill me.
My stomach goes crazy whenever she's around.
She's trying to stop me eating.
My face turns beet red whenever she touches me.
She's trying to embarrass me
When she plays with her hair I want to touch it
She's trying to taunt me
Every time I see her I want to kiss her
She's just trying to make a fool out of me
…Then it clicks…
It's like an electic light bulb (I do listen to Hermione)
Tally's up to 34
Hermione's the one frustrating me
How could I not have seen it?
(Because I'm dense that's why)
I only feel like ripping my hair out when she's around
I only feel crazy when she's around
I only want to scream when she's around
I only want to touch her hair when she's around
I only want to kiss her when she's around
It has to be Hermione
But how could it be Hermione?
I can't like her like that?
But then why would I want to kiss her (because you like her)
But I can't like her; she's my best friend
She's always been there…but that doesn't mean anything
She's always brave…but who cares?
She's always perfect…but isn't that what I said was annoying about her?
Bloody hell, I do like Hermione
What do I do?
I can't just tell her!
She couldn't like me back not after all of those things that I said about her
If they were that bad for her and I like her I couldn't imagine what her list would be like for me.
I can't tell her, that's final (you have to tell her)
Harry's voice interrupts my frenzied thoughts, "Ron, you're talking to yourself and looking absolutely petrified. You've nearly given Hermione a heart attack."
Hermione…her name was mentioned again.
My heart started going wild…what was I going to do?
Her concerned voice asked, "Ron are you sure you're okay?"
I nodded my head, but I knew she wouldn't believe me.
She asked Harry, "Could you excuse us for a moment?"
I glanced frantically at Harry…he couldn't just leave me.
I was wrong, he left.
Hermione sat down next to me. My heart went faster, my face turned red and those stupid butterflies came back. If this didn't stop soon I'll be dead.
She asked, "Ron? I know something's wrong…what is it?"
I said, in a much too high-pitched voice, "Nothing's wrong."
She laughed.
I spat, "What are you laughing at?"
"You."
That hurt.
"Why do you find me so funny? Am I just too stupid? Am I like those monkeys you look at in a zoo and laugh at because they're so stupid? Am I a monkey to you?"
I cringed when I realized how stupid that sounded.
She looked confused, "Ron, I don't think you're stupid. I was just laughing because I know better than to trust you when it comes to things such as these."
It was my turn to look confused, "Things such as what?"
Her face seemed contemplative before she answered, "Things like your emotions Ron. You're not the most…emotionally aware person out there."
That was the final straw.
I knew that frustration would come out sooner or later.
"Hermione! I am too emotionally aware. I know that I may seem a little dense sometimes but that is just because it takes me a little longer to figure things out. Everyone isn't like you, not everyone can figure out things in a blink of an eye. I take my time. I know about my emotions, Hermione, I know about who I am and what I like and don't like. And just for your information I have a much larger range of emotion than a tablespoon. I have the capacity to care and the capacity to love Hermione in case you didn't know! Did you hear that, I have the capacity to love. And I can prove it!"
I was on a roll and that was never good…but its too late now
"Do you know how I can prove it? Because Hermione, I love you. Do you get that I love you. I have emotions other than anger just so you know. I'm just not that good at expressing them. And just because I can't express them doesn't mean I don't have them."
I was so relieved that I had said what I said that I really didn't completely grasp just what I had said.
Hermione stood there looking slightly shocked, happy, excited, angry, hurt and confused all at the same time.
I tried to look confident after this outburst of emotion but I couldn't ,not with the look on Hermione's face.
She asked me, "Ron, did…did you just say you loved me?"
My heart sank.
Did I really say that?
Crap
But I knew I couldn't lie
"Um…yah I guess so."
I tried to act nonchalant but it was impossible
I broke down
"Yah, that's what I said. But I totally understand if…"
Hermione cut me off
"Ron if you don't shut up I swear to all that is magical I will hurt you."
This was surprising to say the least
All I could get was
"huh?"
My question was answered but not in the way that I expected.
Hermione kissed me full on the lips
I then realized…maybe there were other ways of getting your emotions out…
How was it?
I wrote it late at night so there might be a few mistakes but I will fix them!
Hope you enjoy