This is an angst filled one-shot that came to me shortly after finishing Order of the Phoenix months ago and was posted under a different name. So this is not so much a new posting as a reposting. It is rather different from any other thing I've written so enjoy. Oh and by the way, I don't own anyone in this except for Remus' new interest whoever she is.
He could not deal with this any longer. It was simply too much. Life was too short for him to deny his feelings. So what if he was a werewolf. That shouldn't matter right? True love should conquer all shouldn't it?
He let out a groan.
Oh what was he thinking? Of course it mattered, and how could he even consider such a thing at a time like this?
Banging his head against the wall next to the medicine cabinet, he let out a moan.
Life was simply too much to deal with at the moment. He had just lost his best friend, the last one who was left. True, he wasn't totally alone because he had the Order. But interacting with someone because of principles is a different scenario than interacting with someone because you like their personality. He didn't have many friends of that nature left. Mad-Eye didn't care about his "condition", but then again Mad-Eye wasn't one you wanted to pour your heart out to. Tonks wasn't that bad either, but she was so young, barely having finished Auror training, and Sirius hadn't really kept in touch with his relatives, making Tonks a moderately new acquaintance. The above factors did not exactly make Tonks someone with whom he felt comfortable expressing his feelings to. Sirius had been the last one; the last friend who knew everything there was to know about R. J. Lupin, as well as the last friend from the group who called themselves the Marauders.
An ironic smile twisted itself upon his lips.
Well, not really.
He still had one person left from his Hogwarts days, and when he met him he could not say what he would do. All he knew was that the rat would pay.
A soft growl escaped into the air and he was immediately pressed upon how Sirius-like he was acting. He was never one to harbor grudges or perform irrational acts. He was never one to be possessed by anger and have a thirst to seek revenge. That had all been Sirius' department; he was the rash one, the one whose emotions were worn on his sleeve even though he was one of the toughest wizards around.
Ah Sirius, why did you have to go and get yourself killed? How am I to survive now? You were the last true friend I had left. The last loyal one who broke wizarding rules to accompany me on my "monthly adventures," I believe you dubbed them.
He slammed his fist against the wall revering in the release of his pent up emotions through some physical form. The fist slowly uncurled and it simply rested there as his head was already doing.
Who am I to get advice from now Padfoot? I was always the one to rationalize for you, however you were my strength as well as I was yours, dear friend. You were the one who refused to let me stop living just because of my condition. You were the one who forced me to go on living and was trying to get me to pursue happiness.
"Remus," you said to me, "just because I can't have a life doesn't mean you can't. So you turn into a feared monster every month, big deal. With the wolfsbane potion you are as docile as a lamb. Trust me, I know what it is like to live alone without any ounce of happiness, I did so for twelve years. I practically am living that way at the moment, constantly running for fear of being put in that place again. I would rather die than have to live the way I did before, Remus, and I refuse for you to live like that by self infliction."
It is because of you that I even dreamed of having a relationship with someone, however at this moment in time I'm lost as to what to do. Your death has helped me realize that I do not have all the time in the world, however it simply doesn't seem right to think of such things at the moment. I also am lost as to how to go about it Padfoot. It's not as simple as you made it seem. I've never been as brave as you; nor as foolhardy. I was the quiet reserved one, remember? I was the strong silent type who always relied upon his friends for the guts to do things. You and James were my rocks, and even when you were in Azkaban and I was under the impression that you had betrayed them, you were always still alive. You were always there, a place where I could go to and visit if ever the perverse urge arose. Needless to say it didn't, and now I feel an uncontrollable amount of guilt for it. How could I have believed them over you Sirius? How could I have believed that you would betray Jamie and Lils? I should have known better, I should have heard your side of it, I should have visited you, I should have….oh Merlin! It's too late now! All those years lost Pad, twelve years wasted on futile bitterness. If I had known that I would loose you so soon after…oh the things I would have done! If only I could go back and change my actions, but I can't.
Sinking onto the tiled floor with his knees pulled to his chest, he rested his head against the top of them and allowed his silver flecked hair to create a veil between him and the outside world.
The next morning he awoke upon the cold tiled floor an hour before dawn and groaned. Slowly lifting himself into a seated position, he took in a deep breath and steadily released it. Getting to his feet, he walked down the stairs of the broken down house he was taking residence in, and padded across to the kitchen. He fixed himself a bowl of cereal, the first thing he had been able to eat in a few days. As he ate, he reflected upon the only bit of his dream he could remember.
"I'm dead now; move on with your life. I'm happier here than I ever was there Rem and you know it. Look after Harry for me and do me a favor, pretend to be the fearless werewolf you are supposed to be and talk to her. Don't play stupid, you know who I'm talking about. You have the chance to be happy so go for it. Screw your pride and sense of honor. Let her decide whether or not she wants to brave having a serious relationship with a werewolf."
A wry smile appeared upon his lips. The speech was typical Sirius, blunt. A stinging sensation reached his eyes and he quickly jabbed his palms into them to prevent what was sure to follow. Taking a deep breath he held it for a few seconds, enabling him to regain control of his emotions before he let the breath out in a straight stream from his mouth.
As much as he hated to admit it, Sirius was right. He had to get on with his life. He could not dwell in the past, the present was too dangerous that doing so would get himself killed, and where would that leave Harry? He could just picture Si, Jamie, and Lils' faces if he showed up in Heaven having to tell them that he had left Harry to face Voldemort alone. Shaking his head with amusement he let out a melancholy chuckle.
Rubbing his face with his hands he sighed, knowing what life required him to do so that he might begin the healing process due to a devastating blow life had dealt him. Standing, he patted his coat pocket to reassure himself that his wand was still on his person, and made his way towards the door. It was time that he paid a certain witch a little visit.