Han Solo didn't know what was going on... a fairly typical predicament when he was worrying himself over the opposite sex, but Leia Organa could put the smoothest ladies' man into a schizophrenic fit of frustration.
He had waken up that morning to a communication from Chewie concerning the Falcon with Leia soft and sound in his arms. So far, so good. She hadn't waken up and run him out of the room in a rage, so he figured he was doing well, but after that he lost track of the score card. Leia had gone quiet, moving about their departure preparations in a haze, like her thoughts were largely somewhere else and wherever that was it was not a pleasant place. Luke showed up at the Falcon a little after Han and Leia, looking rested (though with only three and a half hours of sleep after the epic battle yesterday Han couldn't imagine how) but still overcome by something on his mind.
Han hadn't had much time to quiz either of them while getting the Falcon ready for take-off, and when Threepio showed up with artoo deetoo in tow the time for private talks had pretty much vanished. So Han had powered up, played radio tag for a while with Wedge and Ackbar, then lifted into space and pushed toward a jump vector for hyperspace without answers to any of the nagging questions he was asking himself.
He decided to take the long way to the Loitene System... he was determined to talk to Leia.
When the course was set in he handed the control manning to Chewbacca and moved out of the cockpit into the gullet of the ship to look for Leia.
His path was not as well-paved as he'd hoped it would be. Almost immediately after leaving the cockpit Threepio came shuffling up to him with golden arms held askew at his sides as he started blabbering on about something that held absolutely no interest to Han. Solo was not in the mood to put up with any of the protocol droid's drivel; he shut the droid off without even a word of warning. As the gold droid clattered to the floor artoo deetoo spun in a circle and beat a hasty retreat, taking to heart Han's thrown after warning that he didn't want to see Threepio awake until they reached their destination. Han set out once again to find Leia.
The Millennium Falcon was not a very big ship; it didn't take Han Solo long to find Leia.
She was seated at the table that doubled as a chess board in the almost laughably named recreational room. She had a number of data cards spread around her, putting off the convincing appearance of working, but her face gave her away. Leia's mind was anywhere but on her work.
Han stopped directly in front of Leia, standing with his hands on his hips until she looked up at him.
"All right, Your Worship, we've got some time before we reach Loitene, let's talk."
Leia's face almost visibly clouded over and she turned her eyes away, shaking her head faintly, "I don't know what you're talking about."
Han snorted, "Really? No idea? Well how about we start with whatever is bothering you?"
Leia shuffled her data cards as though putting them into order, returning evenly, "You don't know what you're talking about."
"First you don't know what I'm talking about and now I don't either? You can do better than that, Princess."
Leia shot her eyes up at him, voice terse, "What do you want?"
Han frowned, pressing more slowly, "We... us... I thought we were... moving forward." Han went even quieter, "I thought you loved me."
Leia almost whispered, "I do... you know I do."
Han held out his hands at his sides in defeat, "Well you wouldn't know it. Look, something's bothering Luke and that concerns you, I understand that, but I don't think I should have to get the cold shoulder because something is going on between you two. I got a warmer reaction out of you on Hoth."
Leia retorted lowly, almost warningly, "You know that's not true."
Han sighed and conceded, "No, it's not... but it sure feels like it. I thought we were actually getting somewhere, Leia."
"Where exactly did you think we were going?"
Han halted and turned, pulling over the chair at the other side of the room and dropping his weight into it, wondering how he'd got trapped in this inquiry into answering the tough questions. "I don't know... somewhere other than... you know... where we were. Maybe someplace... new?"
Leia smirked.
Han got defensive. "This isn't what we were talking about. I want you to level with me."
Leia met his gaze, watching him quietly a moment, and for a moment Han thought she was actually going to come clean and confide in him... Force forbid, but maybe even trust him.
Instead Leia dashed his hopes by saying, "I can't tell you, Han."
Han went tensely quiet at the familiar line, biting back any mention of the first time he'd heard it from her. Leia had been shaken up then, presumably about Luke leaving to turn himself in to Vader (which was an understandable reason to be upset), but Han was almost certain it was something different this time.
Han gave a frustrated sigh, dropping his forearms on to the table top, "Look, Leia, this is how I see it. Don't ask me why, because right now I really don't know, but I want to be with you. I want you to be honest with me, just trust me like you think I'm at least worth my weight in Bantha dung. Stop lying and hiding from me."
Leia looked stung by Han's words. 'Good', Han thought angrily, for the time feeling a dark delight in making her just as torn as he was. 'No reason I should suffer alone, especially since she's the one being difficult in the first place'.
Leia dropped her eyes to the data cards again then said, "Han... I want to be with you, too. Don't ask me why, because right now I don't know, but I do love you.
"Just leave this alone. This is something that concerns me and Luke for the time being."
Han grumbled under his breath and rose from his seat, pacing in the limited space, "That's another thing. Why didn't you tell me that he was your brother?! I thought you both considered me a friend, you didn't think you could trust me to know your little secret? Oh, and if it makes any difference, I haven't told anyone since you told me. Does my integrity surprise you?"
"Stop it, just stop. You're being petty."
Han huffed, "I think I'm justified a tantrum after all this. You've treated me like your fly and fun smuggler off-season boyfriend and I'm tired of it. Trust me or cut me loose, because I've had enough of the games, Princess."
Leia flared, catching Han off-guard with her sudden anger, "For the love of Alderaan, Han! Luke and I have BOTH trusted you with our lives more times than we can count; what more do you need to know we trust you? Did you ever consider that this thing bothering me might not be any of your business? That maybe you really don't want to know?"
Han held up his hands in surrender, "I'm giving you permission to make an ass out of me here, Princess. Tell me whatever it is, make me put my own foot in my mouth, hey, think of the ammunition you'll have against me when it's over and done with."
Leia lowered her eyes again, brow creased in nearing anguish. Han felt an instantaneous tug of regret for pushing so hard, his hands falling back to his sides... he never meant to really hurt her; she usually had a thicker hide than this.
Before Han or Leia could continue the discussion Luke silently appeared at the other door to the recreation room, asking almost crossly when he saw Leia's face, "What's going on?"
Han turned to Luke, gathering his calm, "Look, Luke, don't take this the wrong way but this is private between me and Leia, so go find something else to do for a while."
Luke moved his eyes away from Han to Leia, locking his gaze on her and saying, "She called for me," and gave no indication he was going to move.
Han looked over, confused, at Leia. He hadn't seen her with a communications device. Leia looked up and sought Luke's figure, having to look past Han to see him... then it hit Han. The former smuggler went quiet.
Luke took a single step further into the room, eyes moving between Han and Leia and resting again on Leia as he asked, "What is it?"
Leia looked over at Han again, her calm once again gathered about her as she said, "I love you, Han Solo. You're pig-headed, conceited, cavalier, stubborn, you never listen, and right now very good at knowing just what to say to hurt me."
Han flinched at the accusations, mainly the last, and for a fraction of a second worried about Luke only a couple of feet to his left. Luke was a Jedi Master who just found out Han had been causing his sister pain... it was enough to put a humbling nervousness in Han's stomach, even though never once had Luke ever made any indication that he would ever consider harming Han.
Leia continued, "I trust you as much as I trust Luke, and I'm sorry you need some proof to understand that. But I can't tell you this," she looked at Han closely, "not on my own... it's not just mine." She looked over at Luke and they watched each other quietly for a few seconds.
Luke's face hardened marginally after a moment then he looked down at the deck plating and nodded, "All right, Leia. Han's our friend."
Han watched them both, confused and beginning to get an uncertain sensation at the back of his neck. Both Luke and Leia being so dark and serious about this, whatever it was, started to make Han uneasy.
Luke moved from his position near the door and approached Leia, sliding into the booth-like seating around the table next to her and touching her hand reassuringly.
Leia took comfort in her brother's presence, drawing from him, and looked over at Han Solo standing in the middle of the room. "Sit down, Han."
Han moved to do as he was told, pulling the chair back from its pushed-away position and settling into it across from Luke and Leia.
Leia looked over at Luke, eyes as near to panicked as Leia Organa ever came, and she swallowed as she began haltingly, "Luke and I were separated when we were babies. I went with our birth mother to Alderaan while Luke..."
Luke picked up, "I was taken in by my Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru on a Tatooine moisture farm." He gave a cant of his head to show Han that the smuggler knew the rest relevant to that story.
Leia continued her narrative, "I always knew my adoptive father, Bail Organa of Alderaan, was not my real father. When my–our mother died when I was very young Bail would tell me a few things about her when I asked, but he never said a word about my birth father.
"Luke recently discovered why neither of us knew anything about our real father for most of our lives. We were being hidden from him, for our protection."
Han looked between Luke and Leia, not entirely able to imagine what kind of a threat their father could have posed to warrant such actions as Luke and Leia both grew up. Han had been around plenty of unsavory characters in his previous line of work, but the status of the subjects in this personal drama being a princess and a Jedi brought a new gravity to the tale.
Leia faltered, biting her lip and looking over at Luke for help.
Luke nodded solemnly, commenting under his breath, "I've had more time to adjust to it anyway..." and resolutely he lifted his face to look directly at Han Solo.
Luke said carefully, "Our father, Anakin Skywalker, was a Jedi Knight in the Clone Wars. He was seduced by the Dark Side of the Force and became a Dark Lord of the Sith..... at which point he took the name Darth Vader."
It took Han a moment to grasp what Luke was saying, but when he did he was certain everything, even the pounding of his heart, had slammed to an absolute stop. His mouth hung agape in a stupor as he stared at them both, certain he'd heard wrong, waiting for the punch line to a very cruel, unfunny joke. Darth Vader was an animal, a vile beast of evil manifested from the entire galaxy, something like that didn't have children. Leia and Luke couldn't be related to Darth Vader, not even as a distantly removed cousin. It wasn't possible.
Luke touched Leia's hand again, holding her steady and calming her. His other hand, lying atop the table, flickered. Luke's fingers twitched and Han startled when a flask of water floated past his head toward the two at the table.
Luke took it gently from the air and offered it to Leia, who accepted it wordlessly and took a long drink.
Han was on his feet and a step away before he realized he'd moved. It was true. The most unthinkable, repulsive, horrifying, sinister notion in the universe he could never have imagined on his worst day was true. His good friend was the son of Darth Vader, the woman he loved had been born to the legacy of Darth Vader. His mind clung to the single detail like a broken audio recording... Darth Vader.
Han's skin crawled remembering the mindless torture he'd endured on Bespin, the freezing in carbonite, hearing the haunting sound of the towering black figure's breathing... all the deaths ordered and exacted by Darth Vader's hands were washed in new blood. The hands of Luke of Leia, the father in his children. Every creepy voodoo magic trick Luke and Leia had ever pulled picked strings of fear in Han's stomach. Every mysterious use of the Force the siblings had done sang like a tuning fork of disquiet in his thoughts. Simply doing what came naturally to them, what ran in the family, like father like children.
Han stumbled into the control consoles behind him, his first conscious indication he'd been backing away.
Suddenly the Millennium Falcon felt very, very small. The plating and walls were not enough to hold their birth-right power. The Falcon wholly not enough to contain them. What they were. Who they were.
Luke had sidled a few inches away from Leia, moving to stand. "Han..." Luke started slowly.
The rattling roar of the Wookie resounded through the ship from the cockpit.
Han side-stepped quickly toward the door, hastily retreating toward the cockpit as he said a little too rushed, "Looks like we're almost there, reversion to normal space in a few minutes. You might want to strap in, and I'll tell Mon Mothma you've arrived, Your Highness." Han nearly tripped over himself to hurry to the false security of the small cockpit.
"What have we done, Luke?" Leia almost whimpered.
Luke turned to look at his sister. Leia was ghostly pale, holding her hands tightly to keep them from fidgeting... to keep them from trembling.
Leia forced her eyes up to him and said, "If he tells anyone... I don't know if it will matter that we've both relinquished our lives to the Rebellion and fought as hard as anyone, harder even. If they find out that... if they know he's our father they might... if it were anyone else I would consider that a very dangerous risk to take, war heroes or not."
Luke reached out with his thoughts a second, thinking back on Han's reaction moments ago, and he shook his head, "Han's not going to tell anyone about us."
"How can you be sure? I've never seen him so..."
Luke nodded, "Trust me, he won't. He's scared, but he's scared for us, too. He knows what the truth getting out might do to us."
Leia brought up a hand and rubbed at her knotted forehead, muttering under her breath, "I don't know what to do anymore."
Luke went again to Leia's side, kneeling next to the bench seat and taking Leia's hand into his own. He sought her eyes, not speaking until she had relented to look at him.
"Listen to me, Leia," Luke said gently, touch on her hand just as soft as his voice. "We did the right thing telling Han. You were right. He's our best friend; that wasn't a secret we would have wanted to keep from him forever."
"But the look in his eyes..." Leia began.
Luke nodded somberly, lips tight in thought. "It's a hard truth to live with knowing, it won't be easy for Han just like it won't be for us." Luke looked once again directly into his sister's eyes, almost imploring, "You can't let this consume you. Trust me, I've been there before. The more you obsess over this, the more resentment will build. That's dangerous for you, Leia... for us."
Leia shook her head, pulling her hand free of Luke's. "I don't want to hear any more, Luke. I don't want to know any more."
"Leia..."
"No. I'm not ready to deal with this." She cast her eyes aside to divert her gaze. "You don't know... through everything we've seen and done in the Rebel Alliance, for all the tests of courage and conviction we've endured, during it all I've always known who I was. A sense of what it is I am was my foundation. And that grounded me, Luke," she looked at him. "It was the strongest ally I had to rely on... besides you and Han.
"It's not there now. I don't know who I am anymore. That terrifies me."
Luke stood, moving a pace away as he said carefully, "Don't surrender yourself to fear."
"How can I not be afraid?" Leia almost shot back. When she realized she'd snapped at the wrong target she went quiet, collecting herself a fraction of a second before she said, "Look how Han reacted to finding out. He's our closest friend, Luke, and he bolted when we told him. Did you look in his eyes? He was scared of us. If that's how our best friend responds, how is the rest of the galaxy going to react?"
"The rest of the galaxy doesn't have to know," Luke replied. "Vader went to a lot of effort to erase his former self along with all of the Jedi from the galaxy's memory. There's probably nothing that remains that could tie Darth Vader to Anakin Skywalker. Even if there is... I just get the strong feeling this won't be a problem we have to face in the near future."
The Millennium Falcon shuddered and shifted as she dropped out of hyperspace and back into normal space. Leia was jostled under the gentle jolt in the booth but Luke remained standing, body tightening and knees bending to absorb the change in momentum seconds before the ship had dropped from hyperspace.
Luke picked up speaking again gently, "It helped me to know..." he paused and Leia nodded for him to go on. "It helped me when I understood that Vader and Anakin are–were completely different people. Our father, our real father, wasn't the monster Darth Vader was."
"How could you know that?" Leia asked weakly, sounding defeated.
Luke stepped closer to whisper, keeping eye contact with her, "Leia... people powerful in the Force never truly die. The essence of what they are lives on in the Force after their bodies have given up on them; they can speak to us if we just listen." Luke hesitated, uncertain if Leia was ready to hear this, then trudged ahead, "I've spoken to our father, Leia. I've spoken to Anakin Skywalker, and he is not a monster."
Leia's eyes widened. "You've talked to him? After his death?"
Luke nodded, reaching for her hand again when he sensed her flare of fright. "His presence is nothing like Vader's, Leia, you don't have to be afraid. His presence is comforting."
"Luke, you're saying Darth Vader's ghost is a comfort," Leia shifted uneasily out of her seat, angling herself toward the door. She wanted to run. Leia Organa, a woman never prone to the desire to flee, wanted to run from the situation as fast as she could.
Luke let her start to go, insisting softly, "He's not Vader anymore, that person died when Anakin turned away from the Dark Side. He's our father... you can feel it when he's near, when he speaks, it's warm... it's safe." Luke lowered his gaze, almost talking to himself, "I've wanted to know my father as long as I can remember, since I was a very little boy..."
"You're making me nervous, Luke, please..."
"It's nothing to be scared of. It's the cradle of the Force, where we begin and end. Ben Kenobi is still there too, I've seen him and heard him in my thoughts; if you decide to train to hone your Jedi skills you'll hear them, too."
"I don't think I want to," Leia said, stepping toward the door.
Luke looked inward at himself and realized quite surprisingly that he'd been pressing too far. His own desire to understand, to bring harmony to the knowledge of what he was, had made him come off too strongly for Leia. She was at the fragile stage Luke had been at not so long ago, when his thoughts were a maelstrom of doubts. Leia did not have the benefit of Jedi training, nor the guiding voices of Jedi Masters, to calm her inner turmoil. Pushing her would do more harm than good.
"Take time to reflect on all this," Luke said in a calmer, lower voice that stilled Leia at the doorway half-way through her escape attempt. Luke looked up at her and said gently, "Time is the best acclimation tool you have. For me," Luke sighed, "it was coming to understand and accept... with time."
Luke offered a soft smile, meant to comfort and reassure, and from the slight easing of the tension in Leia's features he believed it in some measure worked. "Don't worry about Han," Luke finally said, "Give him some time to think, to get used to the idea, then I'll talk to him."
"Thank you."
Luke smiled carefully again. Trying to rid Leia of her troubles Luke threw in, "It's going to be okay."
Leia mused aloud, "I wish I could believe you."
Luke quipped faintly, "Always trust a Jedi."
Leia smiled tightly, letting Luke know she appreciated his attempt at a joke, but neither he nor she could ever sincerely take to heart that seemingly ancient adage. They knew better because they knew all too well about a Jedi named Anakin Skywalker.